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15 hours ago, kevin said:

I always say to make the best of the day, cup half full and all that.......So I'm in my work mode Saturday morning and trimming my 7 foot hedge....(overgrown).....I'm up the ladder and working hard in the heat, I noticed some buzzing.......then Wam/Bam/ Sting City.......I throw the trimmer, actually jumped two steps off ladder(new hip), and moved away...Two Wasp stings to right bicep....Now I look like Pop Eye ...Neighbour said I was lucky I didn't hit the nest........Nest was taken care of next morning ...You never know what the next day will bring......Angela had a Sting kit which I used 

I think you had the morning I've been having!  I went to water my tomato plant and found what appears to be blackberries starting, all over the bed!  I went to get my vine and stump killer sprayer, and when I attempted to open the cupboard, tons of bees flew out (yellowjackets).  Bee spray...empty.  Put on my grocery list.  Relocated two huge nests (okay, flung them in the yard, relocated sounds better), and fly-swatted the bees I could get a hold of.  Got my sprayer out, it's not working, it dribbled on my fingers.  So I dribbled some on the blackberry vines (how can so many appear at once?!).  I HOPE it's vine and stump killer in the sprayer, not fertilizer, I broke rule #1 Always label what you put in the sprayer.  Since it's on my fingers, I'll see what happens to them.  New sprayer on my list too.  Amazingly I didn't get stung.  Kevin, you need me to send you an Epipen?

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13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Ouch, Kevin.  Should you be allowed to be unsupervised?  ?

Haha!  I don't think either ONE of us should be!  :lol:

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My daughter's partner decided to spray for the weeds.  She did not realize all the plants Kelli had planted were not weeds.  She caught hell.  That is why I like an apartment, my planting days are over.  (To tell you the truth, they never began), my daughter and my mother had the green thumb.  Keeping things bare, to the minimum was my thing.  A few days before Kelli was born I got the hatchet out, and ax, and cut down some perfectly nice shrubs, I think Arborvitae type.  Why?  Cause I could and I had a surge of vitality during those last days of pregnancy.  Insanity too.

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On ‎07‎/‎02‎/‎2017 at 5:38 PM, mittam99 said:

I think we're all there Cookie. This isn't how "it was supposed to be". We all wanted to grow old together in the twilight of our years.

In my life, I met Tammy back in 1999 and 3 year old Katie was part of the package. Instant family so to speak. When Katie left at 18 to go to college in Illinois and live with her grandmother, it was supposed to be me and Tammy alone time, finally... 

Sadly, Tammy was mostly very sick during that time and 9 months later my heart was broken into a million pieces. My Tammy, the love if my life, was gone and my life and all our plans were forever changed.

Life as I knew it was gone, too. Replaced by the sadness of grief.

mittam99:  I know this is so hard; seems so unfair.  Do you ever find yourself asking why we have to go through this...I know, the impossible question.  My heart goes out to you and all of us....Cookie

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Cookie, there are so many "why" questions! Unfortunately, there are absolutely no "comforting answers" so I've learned not to go there anymore (try not to anyway).

Going from a life of love and happiness and contentment to a life that is so brutally and starkly different and so empty, is mind numbing. It's painful, depressing and often times, overwhelming. All we can do is try to make the best of it. Not much choice really.

The past few days, I've really been down. I've tried so hard and I've even accomplished some major goals. But the reality is, I still have nothing that brings me any true sense of happiness. The future still basically feels like one Groundhog day leading into another day of sameness. Another day filled with not much of anything worthwhile and lacking in love.

Tammy and me were a great team. We loved each other come hell or high water. We fought every day for her health to improve. And no matter how bleak it seemed we always had each other for comfort and support. We were always there for each other.

To go from that, to this life of me, myself and I is staggering. Yet, I do go to bed hoping tomorrow will be a better day. I do have hope that someday, some sense of meaning will come into my life. Until then, life is (at times), almost unbearable.

I know we always say "put one foot in front of the other". Sometimes though, it feels like all I'm doing is the side shuffle.

Mitch

 

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3 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Going from a life of love and happiness and contentment to a life that is so brutally and starkly different and so empty, is mind numbing. It's painful, depressing and often times, overwhelming. 

Exactly. And, in my case, it all happened in about 10 minutes.

Today I did some of the "chores". Arranged to take Susan off my health ins. Yesterday I made an appt with someone to help me dispose of her clothes and did a little on financial matters. As a goal-oriented person I start feeling that it's good to be getting things done - then the reality hits that this is preparation for a life that I do NOT want, and it's overwhelming.

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I've been trying to figure out how not to keep waking up to panic.  Unsuccessful so far and losing my doc with only an APRN as backup is terribly frustrating.  I am waiting to see a shrink for med management in early August.  But here is the real problem coupled with that feeling.

I have a very hard time listening to music, in fact I don't.  So I tried the buzzer on my alarm.  Thing is I hate beeping noises.  So I went back to radio.  Seems every morning it is some kind of being in love song.  Today was 'You're Still The One '.  These songs used to make me smile or I just enjoyed them because they rang true in my life.  Often a reminder of how fortunate I was to have have that someone in my life.  How awful it is to dread waking up.  It's summer and gorgeous here.  It's winter in my heart and soul.  My social highlight of the day was a plumber to fix a toilet.  Another human being in the house.  I actually hated seeing him leave.  It's frigging pathetic.  So desperate to talk to someone even if it is about water lines.  A human voice that was not the TV.  Now I get to do errands this afternoon that are just habit.  Friday things i always did and add in picking up something for dinner because our sinful take out night isn't fun alone.  

I had to drag out probate papers and his death certificate for a fund that turned out to be $8 in interest.  They asked if I wanted a check but I would have to fill out more paperwork.  I  declined.  Of course they had no idea (tho politely condolent) how that tears a person up.

I was thinking last night about the first few months after he died and how I cleared out the garage of his boxes of useless computer parts.  I gave away his clothes because they could be used but also I wanted the space to put things I needed in here because I couldn't drag them in myself.  Shock mode was heaven compared to this.  I'm too far into it now to ignore how much time I have had to fill without him.  How I endlessly come home to this insanity.  I don't know who I am anymore.  This has all been said before and I could say it again everyday.  One person, just one, gone from existence and life came to a screeching halt.  I know, I know, this is where I am supposed to dive into that gratitude I had him in my life and the good memories.  Doesn't work for us all, folks.  It's an odd feeling to want to live, just not without him.

Run for your money on word salads, Marg!

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Hey Gwen..

I know what you're saying about the whole concept of "I was blessed just having them in my life". It isn't the magic answer to solve the many dilemmas we face in this grieving life of loneliness and longing. I guess the way I use it and feel it isn't meant as some mystical voodoo spell that brings me contentment and bliss. It's nothing like that at all.

My life sucks. I will never sugar coat that. I don't know how I even do it sometimes; this life is so maddeningly hard. But none of us (I can't imagine) would go back in time and give up the life we shared with our beloved to lessen today's pain. That life contained the best moments we ever had or ever will. 

Here's how I use those moments etched in my memory to help me get by. A thought about something to do with Tammy and my life with her will pop into my head. And often, the result of that is both tears and smiles. Tears that she's not here but a smile from the joy a particular moment gave me. I guess in some ways it's all how you spin things. That's not to say this will work for you Gwen, I get that. I just hope in time, your life takes a turn for the better... and you know what? It just might... really.

Mitch

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4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Run for your money on word salads, Marg!

Gwen, I have written volumes, reread through them and deleted them.  (I hope).  Sometimes I serve the same word salad.  

I think I am getting better and then I get that urge to dig that hole, or hide the car behind a seedy motel in some faraway place, but they would find me and probably have a silver alert out.  I cannot get the picture of the three police cars and the ambulance all with lights flashing in my front yard at 2:00 a.m. (fixing to break the door in) all because I had gone to sleep with earbuds in my ears.   Damn, I don't think any of us are gonna get outta this world alive.  

This life is tough but I can still hear that sneaky humorous side of you and also I hope you got to watch that plumber bend over just for the hell of it.  

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51 minutes ago, Marg M said:

This life is tough but I can still hear that sneaky humorous side of you and also I hope you got to watch that plumber bend over just for the hell of it.  

I definitely get a kick out of Gwen's posts when she says something funny. She's a good person and even through all the pain her personality still shines through.

-----------------

Speaking of plumbers bending over... Funny Tammy reminiscence. Tammy always got a huge laugh out of guys bending over and exposing their butt crack. So much so that everyone knew about it in her family. Every year for her birthday and Christmas, Tammy's mom would mail her two sets of cards. One normal and one "crack card". Yeah, there is such a thing.

Tammy would see Santa or some male hunk's crack on a card and her day was made!!

Oh how I miss my sweet, funny Tam Tam. 

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6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

  My social highlight of the day was a plumber to fix a toilet.  Another human being in the house.  I actually hated seeing him leave.  It's frigging pathetic.  So desperate to talk to someone even if it is about water lines.

I sometimes observe myself from the outside. By that I mean I go into a state that a long-ago girlfriend called 'self-analysis paralysis,' letting my mouth talk (and sometimes my fingers type) without my brain seeming to have any input whatsoever. For the last several weeks I am a dang Chatty Cathy. I blab in the line at the grocery store. I chatter with the bank teller who looks like she wants to press her hidden button and run. Not out of fear, out of boredom.  Heck, I can see the vague expressions or eyes glazing over, but can't seem to shut my mouth lately. Marg, maybe I'm vocalizing word salads. I used to be the introvert.  Someone stop me!

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Dave,

I used to do the same thing, then feel completely embarrassed afterward. As Gwen said, "pathetic". I would go for several days without seeing or speaking to another human being. It almost seemed like a relief to know that I still belonged to the human race. I am still friendly, but no longer have that desperate need to talk to someone...................anyone. I fear that I have become a boring person to converse with.

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14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

So I went back to radio.  Seems every morning it is some kind of being in love song

Put the radio on a news station, it won't be beeping and it won't trigger you.  I can't listen to the love songs either.  We had so many "our songs", everything to do with love reminded us of our love, I don't play that kind of music anymore, it's too hard.

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Shock mode was heaven compared to this.

No kidding!  Too bad it couldn't last longer, at least to partially shield us.  While I DO feel glad I met him and had him in my life (I can't imagine not having met/had him), it doesn't take away from the fact that it hits you all the harder when they're removed.

 

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12 hours ago, Marg M said:

I cannot get the picture of the three police cars and the ambulance all with lights flashing in my front yard at 2:00 a.m. (fixing to break the door in) all because I had gone to sleep with earbuds in my ears

I have the opposite problem...my body will be stinking before my kids or anyone notices I'm gone.  The church might notice when I don't show up to do something for them.  Marg, it may be annoying, but at least you have someone that cares and notices you're there...

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1 hour ago, kayc said:

No kidding!  Too bad it couldn't last longer, at least to partially shield us.  While I DO feel glad I met him and had him in my life (I can't imagine not having met/had him), it doesn't take away from the fact that it hits you all the harder when they're removed.

 

Exactly. One thing does not cancell the other. 

 

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1 hour ago, kayc said:

Marg, it may be annoying, but at least you have someone that cares and notices you're there...

Kay, I so appreciate my family.  They drive me crazy.  It is something new every day.  I wonder often what Billy would do in my circumstances.  I do know he would not be living in an apartment.  I do know my granddaughter could not live in that 23 foot RV that one of us was to live in at the close of life.  I do think the granddaughter would be his top priority.  I still have the little poem I wrote to myself, the silly little poem that I wrote when I was sure I was dying of cancer in my early 40's. The stress from everything was tearing me apart.  It still is.  I say I am not tough but my system of nerve tissue could provide electrical energy for NYC till the end of time.  

I've got to learn not to care/I've got to accept I can't be there/I'm not that important, life does go on/If I was not here then I'd be gone.  

I've carried that little silly ditty with me for over 30 years.  I was so stressed out then and I am no less stressed now.  As much as Billy tried to help me then, there was no help, and I knew it.  I know it now.  

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21 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I've been trying to figure out how not to keep waking up to panic.  Unsuccessful so far and losing my doc with only an APRN as backup is terribly frustrating.  I am waiting to see a shrink for med management in early August.  But here is the real problem coupled with that feeling.

I have a very hard time listening to music, in fact I don't.  So I tried the buzzer on my alarm.  Thing is I hate beeping noises.  So I went back to radio.  Seems every morning it is some kind of being in love song.  Today was 'You're Still The One '.  These songs used to make me smile or I just enjoyed them because they rang true in my life.  Often a reminder of how fortunate I was to have have that someone in my life.  How awful it is to dread waking up.  It's summer and gorgeous here.  It's winter in my heart and soul.  My social highlight of the day was a plumber to fix a toilet.  Another human being in the house.  I actually hated seeing him leave.  It's frigging pathetic.  So desperate to talk to someone even if it is about water lines.  A human voice that was not the TV.  Now I get to do errands this afternoon that are just habit.  Friday things i always did and add in picking up something for dinner because our sinful take out night isn't fun alone.  

I had to drag out probate papers and his death certificate for a fund that turned out to be $8 in interest.  They asked if I wanted a check but I would have to fill out more paperwork.  I  declined.  Of course they had no idea (tho politely condolent) how that tears a person up.

I was thinking last night about the first few months after he died and how I cleared out the garage of his boxes of useless computer parts.  I gave away his clothes because they could be used but also I wanted the space to put things I needed in here because I couldn't drag them in myself.  Shock mode was heaven compared to this.  I'm too far into it now to ignore how much time I have had to fill without him.  How I endlessly come home to this insanity.  I don't know who I am anymore.  This has all been said before and I could say it again everyday.  One person, just one, gone from existence and life came to a screeching halt.  I know, I know, this is where I am supposed to dive into that gratitude I had him in my life and the good memories.  Doesn't work for us all, folks.  It's an odd feeling to want to live, just not without him.

Run for your money on word salads, Marg!

Gwen:  I can relate to what you say.  I almost love to have to call someone to come fix something, not only to have someone in the house but someone who doesn't know anything about me being a widow.  I live in a community where everyone knows who I am and knew who John was; they just don't mention him, though.  So, it's nice to meet someone who doesn't know and I can pretend for a while that I'm not a widow.  Doesn't last long.  I have thought about house sharing and wonder how that would work out, mainly because of the coming home to the house without him in it.  Keep thinking about changing things up and not have it cost an arm and a leg.  Anyway, just talking....Cookie

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14 minutes ago, Cookie said:

Gwen:  I can relate to what you say.  I almost love to have to call someone to come fix something, not only to have someone in the house but someone who doesn't know anything about me being a widow.  I live in a community where everyone knows who I am and knew who John was; they just don't mention him, though.  So, it's nice to meet someone who doesn't know and I can pretend for a while that I'm not a widow.  Doesn't last long.  I have thought about house sharing and wonder how that would work out, mainly because of the coming home to the house without him in it.  Keep thinking about changing things up and not have it cost an arm and a leg.  Anyway, just talking....Cookie

Cookie, I think home sharing is a good idea to consider. 

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9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I know I am, Karen.   I don't talk much to anyone any more.  I listen to all thier good stuff and walk away feeling more alone than ever.

Gwen, although I share my appt, my sibling doesn't listen to me when I talk, or is not interested in what I say. Our exchange is reduced to home stuff.

I had terrific conversations with my bf every day, I may never have that in my life again. I must accept this and get used to be ignored or not be "that someone" who was special and felt special every day. 

It's painful to live without. There are days I wish I never had that so I would not cry today missing it. So many contradictions....

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My mind never ceases to find ways to rethink things I thought I had come to accept and spin them a new way and drag me back in.  Not that I was content before, but maybe feeling a slight ease in th pain.  

I now am not the most important person in the the world to anyone anymore. I'm not even within 5 tiers of that with anyone.  If I died, there would be those that would miss me, but it wouldn't change thier lives at all really.  This didn't matter to me before.  I had someone that would have had thier world shattered as I have.  This is not about vanity.  This is about the inmate need to be connected with life and know you matter.  You matter in what you think, feel, do, share and mostly love.  Steve was my life.  To see at everything I do now matters to no one, even me most times, is a bitter pill to swallow.  When I do say something at home, no one hears.  I can't share my thoughts or things that happen with anyone that are just little things at the time.  I can cry and no one is here to care.    

Im no ones daughter, mother, best friend or wife anymore.   All those come with deep roots of feeling life matters.  I'm just an older woman now living alone.  I can't go back to those days I was the center of the universe.  That us for the young that hadn't discovered there is so much more being a part of a team that changes everything.

I miss him making fun of me.  To me and telling his friends some crazy thing I did.  But all with love in his heart.  More to the point, he noticed me.  There are so many little things I don't bother with any more because no one notices like he did.   I try but to no avail.   

I feel abandoned by the loss of my doctor.  He at least cared about my health and we were friends too.  One of my counselors is going on vacation and  I won't be able to reach out to him.  He's setting up back up, but they don't know me.  The nursing home appreciates me, but if I can't make it, it doesn't create a void they cannot fill.  

Day after day, night after night............I still cry wanting him back.  That has stayed consistent for all this time even tho it is the impossible.  He died and the lights went out.  Power outages and I fear someday the light won't come back on at all.  

 

 

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scba:  Do you know anyone who is house sharing? 

Gwen:  My heart breaks reading your post, mostly because I can relate to it and I also feel so much for you.  I think we are left with trying to find maybe friends to connect with who care.  I know, that sounds impossible, but it is a hope of mine.  I too struggle so much with not feeling cared about or special to anyone.  I think that is where my anxiety events come from.  It is so hard to live without once you've had it.....fondly, Cookie

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Gwen,. I really relate to how you feel.  I do not see many people and miss Al even more.  He was really the love of my life.  We adored each other and you cannot replace that.  

Cookie,. It is very hard to find new friends, especially some who will really care.  I do not feel that I matter to many people.  

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Gwen, I know what you mean. I'm definitely not anyone's VIP either. I probably have one or two people that care about me but I'm not truly important to anyone, anywhere. It's tough to go from being with someone who loves you unconditionally, to living an existence of loneliness, emptiness and meaninglessness. Not to mention a life devoid of love or physical contact. Grief like this overwhelms and envelops every one of our senses. And sadly, none of us are getting younger or healthier as the years go by. The future is not a pretty picture is it?

And somehow we are supposed to not only function, but thrive. Not only thrive but find contentment. Find contentment and happiness. Talk about a tall task! I for one have tried my best. Tried to make this life livable. And I've had some moments when I thought maybe things were "looking up". Then, back to earth and reality I fell. The reality is that life without Tammy sucks. It's drudgery, it's torture and it's not the life I wanted as I grew old.

You mentioned that we're not the most important person in the world to anyone and that's a fact. I guess the idea is that we become important to a very special person... us. And that's easier said than done. It's hard to feel great about yourself when the life you live in feels like a great big ZERO. I went from feeling like I was special to feeling like I'm a nothing. That's quite a downgrade.

I haven't been feeling really great in the past few weeks. It's all just so damn hard. I try and try and try and no matter what I'm still in the same place. I have small bursts of positive activity and hope followed by the same old, same old sadness and angst. It's like the cat chasing his tail... it's a lot of hard work that seems to get you nowhere. It really is deja vu all over again.

I wish I had a positive spin to put on this but today is a day I'm not able to. But then again, tomorrow's a new day and maybe things will feel better. At least I still can hope, right?

Mitch

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