scba Posted July 18, 2017 Report Share Posted July 18, 2017 On Sunday, July 09, 2017 at 11:00 PM, Gwenivere said: I have to settle this in my heart on my own. Unfortunately this is true and for each side of grief. It is our solely work. It is difficult. Painful. It makes us angry. Mitch, same happening here. Peace Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted July 18, 2017 Report Share Posted July 18, 2017 4 hours ago, Cookie said: scba: Do you know anyone who is house sharing? Hello Cookie: I know someone, that's me! I'm presently sharing a tiny appt. It has its pros and cons. Cons: I still feel lonely because my partner and best friend is missing. Sharing won't be and won't feel as before. Warning: my flat mate is not my partner and best friend, and I project some expectations about behaviour (like "care" or be "fully" understanding of my issues, as my bf did). Pros: money saving, chatting, housekeeping is shared, I won't eat alone. I can get distracted. It won't """"solve""" your grief issues, it won't """"change""""" feelings coming from grief. My experience has been that grief IS, regardless. However, today I choose house sharing than a solo appt. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted July 18, 2017 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2017 2 hours ago, mittam99 said: You mentioned that we're not the most important person in the world to anyone and that's a fact. I guess the idea is that we become important to a very special person... us. And that's easier said than done. It's hard to feel great about yourself when the life you live in feels like a great big ZERO. I went from feeling like I was special to feeling like I'm a nothing. That's quite a downgrade. I haven't been feeling really great in the past few weeks. It's all just so damn hard. I try and try and try and no matter what I'm still in the same place. I have small bursts of positive activity and hope followed by the same old, same old sadness and angst. It's like the cat chasing his tail... it's a lot of hard work that seems to get you nowhere. It really is deja vu all over again. I wish I had a positive spin to put on this but today is a day I'm not able to. But then again, tomorrow's a new day and maybe things will feel better. At least I still can hope, right? We can all hope, Mitch. Problem is my dictionary lost the definition. It's the constant set backs, as you said. I do projects too and as soon as they are done and I feel that maybe 5 minutes of accomplishment, it's gone. I know every counselor will say that the feeling if mattering has to come from us now. I do agree with that in part. But I don't think you can go back to that as your identity when you've experienced the connection we had that changed everything. We fully gave ourselves to someone and they to us. This isn't a breakup or divorce. It was discovering true meaning that was ripped away. But all this has been said before. Steve always told me not to lose hope when he was here. He had no wisdom to give me for when he left. He experienced losing hope too at the end so he did know about that. What he didn't know is living on without it day after day when there isn't an end to accept. His battle ended, mine began. as for tomorrow? I really feel if I mattered to someone it would help, but I don't so I know waking brings the same fight to get thru it. The big challenge is I don't know what I am waiting for. I've already knew I could handle all the tasks that come up we shared. I miss the ease of that. I'm not saying any of this to invalidate those with family. I know you are still alone at your most vulnerable moments. But it is enviable to have some connection. I look at pictures posted and think that must help just a tad. To those who's family contain crisis because of dysfunction, my heart goes out to you to have to battle that as well. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TomPB Posted July 18, 2017 Report Share Posted July 18, 2017 I fear that the conventional wisdom on recovery doesn't account for the closest, most loving, long term relationships where two people become a single being. "You were half of T&S for 48 years, time to find out what T is all about". Yeah, right. The light was on for 48 years, let's move on to a good life in the dark. Susan's sister Emily asked me what I was doing these days. It was hard to answer besides trying to not be alone. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 18, 2017 Report Share Posted July 18, 2017 We don't always have to put a positive spin on everything, sometimes there IS nothing positive about it. I am in the same boat, Gwen. I have two kids but it doesn't seem they care much, they don't visit, call, etc and are too busy for me to visit. As Gin says, it's hard making new friends, I have been working on that for quite a while but the level of friendship isn't very deep. Point blank, I don't think anyone would miss me if I went. It can get depressing. I guess the one thing I can do is try to make a difference in someone else's life. I'm going to visit shut ins with someone else, as I am able...these injuries are severe and limiting me the last couple of months. (Still trying to get authorization for medical). 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted July 18, 2017 Report Share Posted July 18, 2017 With all you do to show support for others I sure hope the medical will kick in soon. You are amazingly strong to do so much under less than good circumstances. I hope you are feeling free from your medical problems and are feeling refreshed soon ❤️ 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted July 18, 2017 Report Share Posted July 18, 2017 First of all, my apologies to Gwen for the "off-topic-ness" of this thought... Every time I see this thread, I think of the 1963 Ingmar Bergman film "The Silence". Interesting movie by the way, if you don't mind subtitles and like Swedish films. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 19, 2017 Report Share Posted July 19, 2017 Thank you, Marita. I have a feeling this is a long slow go, I may never feel the same again and Lord knows the arthritis I may get from this later on. I've just never suffered such a bad fall with so many injuries at once! My toes, knees, and shin seem the worst of the injuries. I hope the ins investigator calls soon, I'll probably call him this afternoon if he doesn't call first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted July 23, 2017 Report Share Posted July 23, 2017 On 07/17/2017 at 7:35 PM, Gin said: Gwen,. I really relate to how you feel. I do not see many people and miss Al even more. He was really the love of my life. We adored each other and you cannot replace that. Cookie,. It is very hard to find new friends, especially some who will really care. I do not feel that I matter to many people. I know, Gin, and it really depresses me sometimes..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted July 23, 2017 Report Share Posted July 23, 2017 On 07/17/2017 at 10:51 PM, scba said: Hello Cookie: I know someone, that's me! I'm presently sharing a tiny appt. It has its pros and cons. Cons: I still feel lonely because my partner and best friend is missing. Sharing won't be and won't feel as before. Warning: my flat mate is not my partner and best friend, and I project some expectations about behaviour (like "care" or be "fully" understanding of my issues, as my bf did). Pros: money saving, chatting, housekeeping is shared, I won't eat alone. I can get distracted. It won't """"solve""" your grief issues, it won't """"change""""" feelings coming from grief. My experience has been that grief IS, regardless. However, today I choose house sharing than a solo appt. Yes, I figured it wouldn't be the cure-all. That is one thing I've discovered in these 2 years. At first, I thought that surely by 2 years things would be so much better, but everything is really settling in for me now--the long-term nature of this pain, the aloneness, that nothing really can fix it. I do think it would be good to have distraction around, as you can get so lost in aloneness....that's how I'm seeing it. How did you get the flat mate? Seems like that would be a challenge, getting the somewhat right person. Thanks for the input, Cookie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted July 23, 2017 Report Share Posted July 23, 2017 On 07/19/2017 at 8:51 AM, kayc said: Thank you, Marita. I have a feeling this is a long slow go, I may never feel the same again and Lord knows the arthritis I may get from this later on. I've just never suffered such a bad fall with so many injuries at once! My toes, knees, and shin seem the worst of the injuries. I hope the ins investigator calls soon, I'll probably call him this afternoon if he doesn't call first. Kayc: So sorry for your fall. Isn't that the way? You can be going along doing okay you think and then something happens and everything changes so quickly. Hope you feel better soon....Cookie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted July 23, 2017 Author Report Share Posted July 23, 2017 Kay, I don't know what else I can add but another voice of support. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted July 23, 2017 Report Share Posted July 23, 2017 I have fallen and so far the worse thing was when my foot took the total weight of my behind on concrete, foot bent wrong. Instant pain. I knew my size 7's could not take the weight of my elephant behind. The pain only got worse. X-rayed it in ER and I did hear them say something was out of place but they wrapped it to where maybe the out of place part fit back in. I fell off the bed (high bed) and broke my little toe once and the doc I worked for told me to make up some real story rather than falling out of bed onto my foot. They just buddy taped it. I have been lucky so far. I drag my feet sometimes and the rubber on the sneaker catches and wants to throw me. I have found though, when you are falling now, it is like it is in slow motion and there is actually nothing you can do. I knew my head was going to hit the concrete but I could do nothing to stop it. Old age is not for sissies for sure Bette Davis. Kay, I hope you get some relief. Makes driving 49 miles to Bri's doc not seem so bad. Going to have to drive between 20-30 to her PT also. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted July 24, 2017 Author Report Share Posted July 24, 2017 I HATE that slow motion feeling when I have fell now. Knowing there is nothing you can do but hope you brace for it. I've been taken down by running dogs when I did the dog park but didn't know it was coming so I fared better not tensing up. Now, to fall at all scares the hell out of me! It's bad for every one, but I'm about 6 feet tall and it's a long way down. Plus no padding at all. ? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 24, 2017 Report Share Posted July 24, 2017 I'm only 5'1" and lots of padding (I can relate Marg, even wear the same size shoe) but I didn't get any warning, it happened really quick! No matter how much padding our behind has though, that doesn't help our knees any! Growing old isn't for the faint-hearted, for sure! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted July 24, 2017 Report Share Posted July 24, 2017 Kay, I knew my elephant behind had totally dismantled my foot. Now when your falling it is honestly like your in slow motion and can do nothing about it. I can remember not too many years ago falling, turning a flip and jumping up. It was all so fast and easy. Now it is oooohhhhhh-nnnnoooo in such slow motion and you know you have to protect something but your not fast enough. I don't know why that is. Sometimes I think I need a cane with me at all times just to catch me when my sneakers stick on the concrete, the wooden floor or the pavement because I drag my feet occasionally. Then for the next few moments I walk like a drum major, but then I forget again. And, if I did not have sneakers on to hold up my ankles and feet I really would fall. I am very careful walking in stores when it is raining. I remember in younger days having soft bottom moccasins on and falling through the hospital door, feet first, then behind, but I remember jumping up. I don't jump up anymore. We can tell ourselves to "be careful" but we will forget again. All I can say is "be careful." I used to think if I did not tell my kids that then it was a bad omen. Sometimes it is fun and excusable being an old woman, sometimes just dangerous. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted July 24, 2017 Report Share Posted July 24, 2017 Hips and other joints have the stress/weight ratio of 6 :1........Extra 25 #'s of body weight contributes to 150#'s of stress on each joint or verterbrae (back/neck)...Knowing this now, I have nuitrition and slow weight reduction as my priority...And I have Osteoarthritris in my hips and at least one shoulder.....I can still function pretty good....only slower and a lot less agile....And my jumping days are also long gone... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted July 25, 2017 Report Share Posted July 25, 2017 Well, no one told me that after all the radiation the floor to my personal items was not strong. So, I tried running (no, trotting) a little while but then I was getting up at night 3-4 times. Women should not do this with a damaged foundation. But, I can walk, I just have not done it as an exercise in 21 months. I can't make promises I might not keep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted July 25, 2017 Report Share Posted July 25, 2017 “Old age ain't no place for sissies.”― Bette Davis Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted July 25, 2017 Author Report Share Posted July 25, 2017 Bette Davis would find me such a disappointment. i just unpacked a large box of 24 6 inch pillar candles, had to take a pain pill and slather on some Aspercreme. Used to be I bought fun girly things. Now I make sure I have lots of pain remedies. WAY past a Billy Crystal' characters saying ' Dahling, it's not how you feel but how you look' saying of years ago. Kevin, you say jumping being over. I look at the floor and if something needs to be picked up, dogs great at dragging stuff in, it's a long internal conversation about is it worth it! But, have to keep moving while I can, just a tad more vocal about it. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 25, 2017 Report Share Posted July 25, 2017 Marg, It didn't feel in slow motion to me but I was unable to stop it...thoughts crossed through my head as I was going down...I was taken by surprise, I remember worrying about my dog, I didn't want him to be injured in what was happening, I was worried about all of the "tweaking" I was feeling inside my toes, my foot, my back, neck, shoulders as I went down...and then I hit, with such force, as Kevin describes...I regret every ounce I'm overweight, and believe me, it's more than ounces. Gwen, I envy you your height, if I was 6' I wouldn't be overweight! Gwen, I got a smile out of "Used to be I bought fun girly things. Now I make sure I have lots of pain remedies." How quick it all goes! What used to be sure has changed! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Autumn2 Posted July 25, 2017 Report Share Posted July 25, 2017 I can so relate and have real fear about falling...almost to the point of ptsd. Almost two years ago I fell down a staircase while carrying a microwave. Couldnt really see the steps and obviously wasnt using the handrails...well in the fall I severely sprained my right ankle and broke my femur...you know the big bone in your leg. Fortunately my wonderful hubby was home. Surgery involved putting a rod in the femur and two screws at the top and two at the knee. The whole rod is about twelve inches. I was in hospital three days and rehab for a week (no, not drugs or alcohol). It took me a minimum six months to get back to a semblance of normal. Could not drive for that long as right foot/leg. I am sooo lucky as bone united well. Now I get around faily well...certainly not normal but okay. Not much pain in leg but more problems with foot and ankle. Now my ptsd..remembering the fall in Slow motion and knowing now I am alone. My husband was wonderful thru all of this and now he is gone and no one so i am so careful...maybe too careful. Guess i am nuts. Anyway, I feel for all of us seniors because yes it sure isnt for sissies. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TomPB Posted July 25, 2017 Report Share Posted July 25, 2017 My cousin Kate broke her neck in a fall and died about 6 ms after her husband Bobby. Sometimes I envy her. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marie Lee Posted July 27, 2017 Report Share Posted July 27, 2017 Hi everyone-Been out of the loop and did some reading trying to catch up mon how everyone is doing .. You all say so many things that are impactful and downright genius and I wrote them Down to remember.., mostly it's one of Marge's .. The " eff" story Marty posted hit the nail on the head.. Gwen: You're such a loving soul surely Steve is so close to you - holding you - maybe so close he's literally a part of you.. holding you up... Tried to quote this part of Gwens post but it didn't work right - Gwen said: I miss him making fun of me. To me and telling his friends some crazy thing I did. But all with love in his heart. More to the point, he noticed me. There are so many little things I don't bother with any more because no one notices like he did. I try but to no avail... Isn't that the heart of it all? He noticed me... Sending much love- Marie Lee 6 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted July 27, 2017 Report Share Posted July 27, 2017 I was out mowing on a hill and the grass was a little wet and boom, down I went; luckily I was able to hold onto the mower. Hit hard on my hip but everything is okay. It is scary; you worry about breaking anything when you're in your 60s. Guess this is the new normal......Cookie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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