Healing

[kayc]

Maryann,

I am truly glad for you and the direction you are taking in your life.  My direction is different, but I can still appreciate yours.  I'm in a different place in my life, I'm older, I've had multiple relationships in my life, and although I sometimes feel alone or lonely, not enough to move me to wanting to date.  I have come full circle, I appreciate that George was special and I could search the whole world over and come up empty as far as finding someone that clicks with me like we clicked.  I cherish that bond and content myself with it, it is enough to sustain me throughout my life.  I know none of us can predict what life will bring, after all, I never could have predicted meeting George, let alone losing him.   May we all find what brings us the most comfort in our journey.

[Cookie]

On 8/17/2017 at 4:46 PM, Eagle-96 said:

There are so many things about this that cannot be explained to those that have not gone through it. No amount of words can prepare someone for what we endure. I honestly don't think I could sit down and begin to try to prepare someone I knew was about to go through this. Not that I wouldn't want to, but I don't think it's possible. 

I agree.  I don't think it's possible to prepare.  I kind of stand in horror of anyone losing their beloved knowing what lies ahead......

[Cookie]

On 8/20/2017 at 0:03 PM, mittam99 said:

Something hit me last night. I was in bed and looking at the closet door and saw a shoe rack filled with Tammy's shoes and that got me to thinking...

Keep or Dispose/Remove/Donate etc... ??

For the most part, I've kept Tammy's things and in many cases they've barely moved an inch since she died. I thought about that rack of shoes and how I would feel if it was no longer there. For me anyway, there is a certain comfort in seeing Tammy's things. Maybe it's my way of protecting myself from the reality that she's no longer here. If the rack was gone I think I'd feel a serious twinge in the pit of my stomach.

I know for some people these physical reminders are painful. Something that emphasizes that their beloved is no longer here to use them.

So where are you at in your journey? Keep or remove?

Mitch:  It's been 2 years and 1 month for me.  Right after John died, I got rid of his underwear and socks right away.  I can't tell you why.  I kept his clothes for a year and a half....when I did take them away it hurt......it hurt with them here and hurts with them gone.  What I'm wondering is how I am going to move out of this house.  I have wanted to move since he died and then I started thinking it might really be harder than I thought.  He built this house, last thing he did.....could be really traumatic to leave.  Won't be moving for another couple of years, though.  But, I can say that everything I've sold or gotten rid of has hurt, like losing him all over again....Cookie

[Gin]

Every time I give something of Al's away, it feels like I am giving HIM away.  His tools went to two  friends.    That seemed OK, but I still felt bad.  My daughter works at a workshop for disabled adults.  Some of Al's shoes and jackets went there.  There are still a lot of clothes that have to be dealt with.  Not today, and probably not tomorrow.

[mittam99]

3 hours ago, Gin said:

There are still a lot of clothes that have to be dealt with.  Not today, and probably not tomorrow.

There's no "have to” Gin, it's up to you whether Al's things stay or go. And that goes for everything in this grieving life. We can do whatever we think feels best for us. Of course, sometimes it feels like we're damned if we do and damned if we don't. Like Cookie mentioned, she felt pain being surrounded by John's clothes and pain when she gave them away. Nothing is easy for us.

Today was actually a pretty good day for me. The sun was shining and I was in good spirits. Even found myself laughing uncontrollably at a movie I was watching. And still, I felt a twinge of guilt. Guilt that I was laughing and enjoying myself alone. Tammy loved seeing me happy and I know she wouldn't want me feeling miserable, and yet, I still felt guilt.

I'm still learning how live life without Tammy by my side.

 

[Eagle-96]

11 hours ago, mittam99 said:

There's no "have to” Gin, it's up to you whether Al's things stay or go. And that goes for everything in this grieving life. We can do whatever we think feels best for us. Of course, sometimes it feels like we're damned if we do and damned if we don't. Like Cookie mentioned, she felt pain being surrounded by John's clothes and pain when she gave them away. Nothing is easy for us.

Today was actually a pretty good day for me. The sun was shining and I was in good spirits. Even found myself laughing uncontrollably at a movie I was watching. And still, I felt a twinge of guilt. Guilt that I was laughing and enjoying myself alone. Tammy loved seeing me happy and I know she wouldn't want me feeling miserable, and yet, I still felt guilt.

I'm still learning how live life without Tammy by my side.

 

I get anxiety when I think about going through Lori's clothes but then I remember it's right when I think it's right. Sometimes I have to be reminded of that(thanks Mitch). And that time may never come, and it's ok if it doesn't. The one thing that weighs on my mind and heart is my wedding ring. I have no plans to remove it but it's like I am being dishonest for wearing it(I think Tom brought this up earlier). Then I think that people pity me when they see me wear it. "Oh poor Sean still thinks he's married". Truth be told, I still feel like I am married and probably always will. 

 

BTW Mitch,

Don't ever feel guilty for feeling good every now and then. It's ok to smile. It's ok to laugh. It's ok to feel hope. We have so many bad feelings in our grief that we must embrace ANY good feelings we get no matter how small or how fleeting. 

[kayc]

13 hours ago, mittam99 said:

And still, I felt a twinge of guilt. Guilt that I was laughing and enjoying myself alone.

Years ago I read an article that said we need to give ourselves permission to laugh and smile again.  It's not our grief that binds us to them, it's our love, and you still have that with Tammy.

[mittam99]

2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

The one thing that weighs on my mind and heart is my wedding ring. I have no plans to remove it but it's like I am being dishonest for wearing it(I think Tom brought this up earlier). Then I think that people pity me when they see me wear it. "Oh poor Sean still thinks he's married". Truth be told, I still feel like I am married and probably always will.

When Tammy died, I made the decision that she should wear her ring forever. That ring was the symbol of the bond we shared and the overwhelming love I will always have for her.  Early on, I wore my ring after Tammy's death and would probably still be wearing it today if not for an awful experience I had. I was wearing it at work as usual and went home. I washed my hands and realized the ring was gone and must have fallen off (I've lost a lot of weight). In a panic, I drove madly back to my workplace. Luckily someone found it and put it in the safe at work, but I was visibly shaken and vowed not to chance losing it again. That ring is precious to me. As far as not wearing it anymore in public... (as you said Sean), I still feel married to Tammy and always will.

[scba]

https://thesunmagazine.org/issues/321/the-love-of-my-life

"If this were fiction, what would happen next is that the woman would stand up and get into her truck and drive away. It wouldn’t matter that the woman had lost her mother’s wedding ring, even though it was gone to her forever, because the loss would mean something else entirely: that what was gone now was actually her sorrow and the shackles of grief that had held her down. And in this loss she would see, and the reader would know, that the woman had been in error all along. That, indeed, the love she’d had for her mother was too much love, really; too much love and also too much sorrow. She would realize this and get on with her life. There would be what happened in the story and also everything it stood for: the river, representing life’s constant changing; the tiny blue flowers, beauty; the spring air, rebirth. All of these symbols would collide and mean that the woman was actually lucky to have lost the ring, and not just to have lost it, but to have loved it, to have ached for it, and to have had it taken from her forever. The story would end, and you would know that she was the better for it. That she was wiser, stronger, more interesting, and, most of all, finally starting down her path to glory. I would show you the leaf when it unfurls in a single motion: the end of one thing, the beginning of another. And you would know the answers to all the questions without being told. Did she ever write that five-page paper about the guy who lost his nose? Did she ask Mark to marry her again? Did she stop sleeping with people who had titles instead of names? Did she manage to walk 1,638 miles? Did she get to work and become the Incredibly Talented and Extraordinarily Brilliant and Successful Writer? You’d believe the answers to all these questions to be yes. I would have given you what you wanted then: to be a witness to a healing.

But this isn’t fiction. Sometimes a story is not about anything except what it is about. Sometimes you wake up and find that you actually have lost your nose. Losing my mother’s wedding ring in the Tongue River was not OK. I did not feel better for it. It was not a passage or a release. What happened is that I lost my mother’s wedding ring and I understood that I was not going to get it back, that it would be yet another piece of my mother that I would not have for all the days of my life, and I understood that I could not bear this truth, but that I would have to.

Healing is a small and ordinary and very burnt thing. "

 

 

[MartyT]

An extraordinary piece of writing, Ana. Thank you for sharing it with us ♥

[Cookie]

On ‎08‎/‎25‎/‎2017 at 0:19 PM, mittam99 said:

When Tammy died, I made the decision that she should wear her ring forever. That ring was the symbol of the bond we shared and the overwhelming love I will always have for her.  Early on, I wore my ring after Tammy's death and would probably still be wearing it today if not for an awful experience I had. I was wearing it at work as usual and went home. I washed my hands and realized the ring was gone and must have fallen off (I've lost a lot of weight). In a panic, I drove madly back to my workplace. Luckily someone found it and put it in the safe at work, but I was visibly shaken and vowed not to chance losing it again. That ring is precious to me. As far as not wearing it anymore in public... (as you said Sean), I still feel married to Tammy and always will.

Sean:  I had all the same feelings about my ring after John died.  I ended up moving it to my right finger and it feels just right there.  I could never take it off....I also still feel married...

[Cookie]

I lost the amulet that had John's hair in it about 9 months ago and know I will never get it back.  It was such a special thing, a real part of him.  It still hurts, but, yes, I do know I will have to learn to live without it, just like I have to learn to live without him.....

[mittam99]

3 hours ago, Cookie said:

I lost the amulet that had John's hair in it about 9 months ago and know I will never get it back.  It was such a special thing, a real part of him.  It still hurts, but, yes, I do know I will have to learn to live without it, just like I have to learn to live without him.....

Cookie, I don't know how much of this thread you've had a chance to read but earlier I mentioned Tammy's combs that are on the bathroom vanity. Well, they still have Tammy's red hair in them and always will. Maybe someday I'll put them away in storage, but emotionally, that time hasn't arrived yet.

[Gwenivere]

It hurts so much to lose something we didn't choose to, Cookie.   I have our 30th anniversary ring that I am very careful about as with my weight loss, it has slipped off several times and I was fortunate to always find it.  It actually means more to me than my weddding set because it marks how far we came together.  The beginning was easy with the anticipation and blissful excitement.  This symbolizes both the good and bad and we were still together planning on more history to add to it.  I lost the mini Swiss army  knife he gave me so now carry his.  I miss the other because he got it in pink for me.  And of course, it was a gift.  Now his keys look different without his knife.  I'm so sorry you lost the amulet.  Big difference between choosing to put something away or pass it on than not knowing where it is.

 

[Eagle-96]

I keep a lock of Lori's hair in a envelope on our dresser. When I asked for it at the visitation I thought people would think it was weird. I am blessed to have very understanding friends that loved Lori very much. I'm sorry you lost that Cookie. It must have felt like losing another piece of him. As if we need any more pain in our lives. 

Mitch,

I keep Lori's side of the bathroom, closet and bed the same as the day she left. Everything is there. Her brushes and combs with her hair. Her hand mirror with her fingerprints on it. Pillows with her smell. I even run her hair dryer from time to time just to bring back the sound of her. You keep Tammy's things the way they were until you are ready. There is NO timeframe. 

[mittam99]

Tammy is always looking out for me...

So, I was just driving home from work on the highway when all hell broke loose. I was driving my new car in the slow lane of a 3 lane highway. Up ahead I could see everyone's brake lights going on and traffic was really slowing down. I saw that the center lane was moving faster so I went to go into that lane...

Just as I went to make the move to the center lane, the van that was in front of me decided he was going to do the same thing and he cut me off. I had two choices. Slam on my brakes or veer into the fast lane. I chose to do the latter and that's when it got dicey. As I started to move into the fast lane I heard the sound of screeching tires. I had cut off someone in the fast lane. Seeing that, I had to brake hard and veer to the right to avoid hitting him all the while the van was on my right side in the center lane. This I was at 65 MPH, and I'm fishtailing and trying to control my car with a van inches away on the right and the car inches away on the left. I had nowhere to go and could only try to drive like a stunt driver to avoid a collision. All I could think about were the dents on my brand new car. But somehow in Mario Andretti style I avoided any metal to metal contact. This had all the makings of a great movie car chase/stunt scene.

I don't know how I controlled the car to avoid a collision. I was frantically turning left and right, the wheels had locked up and I was sliding, but somehow I got through unscathed. I know Tammy was protecting me today. No doubt in my mind. I'm still shaking as I write this.

[brat#2]

Mitch, that sounded scary, glad you are okay and yes Tammy was watching out for you.

[MartyT]

Praise the heavens, Mitch. We're so grateful to know that you're all right. Tammy is indeed watching out for you ♥

[kayc]

Mitch, I know how fast these things can evolve, and my stomach is clutching just thinking about it.  I'm so glad you are alright!  You're trying your little angel to the limit!  

[TomPB]

Mitch I hear u I've found myself stumbling a few times we're vulnerable in grief so glad u made a clean escape. 

[Gin]

Mitch, so glad you are OK.

[Cookie]

So glad you're okay Mitch.  I believe Tammy was looking out for you...you're not done yet.  I like to believe that about John.  A couple days before he died, he suddenly said, "If I can, I will come back to help you."  Lately, the last 8 days or so, I've been finding different bird feathers at my feet when I stop and look down, all in different places.  I always collected feathers and he would try and find me neat ones when he was alive and bring them to me when he thought it was one I would like....I got stung by all the bees and had to stop doing yard work, have messed up my knee and might need surgery....I really think he might be showing me he's here.  Hugs to you all....Cookie

[kayc]

Cookie,

You and I are in the same boat...I'm dealing with injured knees and toes (it's been three months, still not healed) and 3 1/2 weeks ago discovered I'm highly allergic to wasps.  It's ended my being comfortable outside as I have tons of them.  Have been trying to locate a beekeeper to collect them but so far no luck, one of the hazards of living out so far.
 

Take care of yourself, I know all too well what you're going through!

[Gin]

Had a bad day today.  Just very sad again...or still.  Talked to a neighbor and she said I should make more friends.  Well, easier said than done.   She has no idea.  Her husband is 90 and they are both doing well.  Lots of support from kids and grandkids.  I do not think she knows what lonely means.  She complains that she has TOO MUCH company!   This journey is so hard on all of us.   

[kevin]

Cookie, we are in the same place......I will be selling once I clear all my stuff out...I have a two year dead line...My cloths and Angela's both are going to the Shelters...Took me two years, now I am fully bought into the idea.....