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I've been in a dark funk for months.   Many things led up to it.  What I have found is the deep loss of sharing anything in my now so called life without Steve.  Because of that I do very little.  That creates a cycle of depression and extreme loneliness.  When I do get something done or find something at the store (which I don't buy because what's the point?)  it emphasizes this unbelievable void.  Often I feel I am going crazy.  I don't even want to write this because it's so much effort and he should be here.  Even tho I love this family here, I wish I never had to find this place.  I don't want to belong here.  I'm tired of being the walking dead.  I'm tired of feeling envy when others here find some relief.  I want to be more compassionate but feel so drained off it.  I feel like a horrible person saying these things.  I lost my doctor months ago thrusting me into the world that is harsh and brutal for medical help when they don't know yoU.  I lost a man I loved as a brother and friend Tuesday.  I'm exhausted from doing and feeling nothing but pain and fear.  I'm going crazy having no one to talk to in my daily life about thingsthat normal people do.  I create chores just to kill time.  This has been said many times in many ways.   I feel I am reaching a breaking point and that scares me most of all.  How.  Much longer can I just repeat existence day after day?  It's gotten so bad that my short term memory is shot.  I always had that and felt sharp and on top of things.  Now I lose things, forget where I put thing things that are so obvious in why I did.  I hear about all that us going on in the world and see my neighborhood carrying on but no one to just shoot the sh*t about it with.  Such a simple need that gone has crippled me.  There is the phone for the very few people I know and email for others.  It feels pathetic.  Plus I get to hear from most all they are doing in a normal living existence.  i don't even  know if this makes sense writing as my mind is in such  an odd place.  have to get out here and do nothing ofvconsequence only to return to the emptiness.  I only do   this only because for me not getting out at all during the day feels unhealthy.  Yet it really doesn't help much.  I just know I haven't sat here all day feeling trapped.  I want to talk to Steve, that's all I know.

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Bless your heart.  You're not alone.  You're in a place we've all been in. And there are no words.  I'm feeling joy now and feel guilty for it.  But I ache for my wife because she's the one I need to share with.  I wish you peace and comfort.  

Butch

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Gwen I totally understand & wish we could talk face to face. Talking to another person who has lost a soul mate is what helps me the most. I just had a bad attack from realizing I was talking abt Susan in the past tense. Best wishes TomPB

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Gwen,

I don't talk about it much but I go through it too, only in waves, not 100% of the time like you do.  I know it has to be hard not having any reprieve.  I do okay when I'm out most of the time, and some of the time I'm okay alone with my solitude, but when things come up it hits me how alone I am and I do get tired of always being alone, I've had a lot of years of it, way too many.  I fear my life being like my mom's.  God I don't know how she did it.  I'm glad it's over for her, even though I miss her, she doesn't have to go through this anymore.

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And, I am so afraid of swimming.  I have real, terrible fear.

Do you ever get to the point that when you are sharing that what you say is nothing more than a grain of sand.  Sorry, I just deleted my bitching.  Just let me say I am trying to steer a boat to the shore metaphorically, without a rudder, holding on to the sides.

Sorry Marty, I just felt totally unimportant for awhile.  You read faster than I can delete.  

I am trying my best to find help for her.  Will see Friday how it goes.  Psychopharmaceuticals sometimes make a person into someone they really are not..  I know, I have taken many.  My daughter has diabetes from them right now and her little brain is fighting the teratomas and all the psycho-meds also.  I just hope to keep my granddaughter off them.  

She is one of the sweetest people I have ever met and you can sure tell she is adopted because she does not have our typical craziness, but I don't know how to handle this and I won't quit trying.  But, when I called the clinic this morning I learned I can no longer ask for help, it has to come from her, and I am hoping I can suggest and she will go along with it.  

I bleed family problems on here all the time and I know that there are some people on here who would love to have these problems to help them get their minds off our grief.  Oh, the grief is still there, but the problem of life somehow overpowers it sometimes.  

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Marg, I'm so sorry to learn of the challenges you're facing with your granddaughter. Is there anyone at her school ~ perhaps a favorite teacher or school counselor ~ who might be willing to guide you and work with you on ways for you to support and encourage her? I realize that she is 18 and "of age," but that does not mean that she has the wisdom of an emancipated adult. Clearly she must have considerable love and respect for you, and I hope an awareness of your wanting only the best for her. Is there any way that you can use that love and respect to your advantage? You say that you cannot make her go to school ~ but if she is still living with you, she is still dependent on you ~ and since this is your home, you get to make the rules. One of those rules might be that it is her job to get up and go to school so she can finish her education. I think you might have more legitimate authority in this situation than you give yourself credit for.

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So many problems IN ADDITION to the grief.  My 25 yr. old grandson was recently diagnosed with epilepsy and has had some devastating seizures.  Last week he had another one and he fell down the stairs.    A few months ago he dislocated his shoulder and can no longer get it back in.  Next is surgery.  He hates the drugs he is on.  Make him feel depressed.  

Marge...hope you get help for your granddaughter.

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Marg,

With what you have left of your post I don't really know what you're talking about...from the bits and pieces and Marty's reply it seems your granddaughter is having some problems and you'd like to take her to the doctor but now that she's 18 she's on her own with them?  And she doesn't want to go to school?  Being 18 I would think she'd have graduated already but if not, does she not understand the importance of an education today?  Even when I was young it was essential to get a high school diploma and many of us went to college even if we didn't get a degree, nowadays it's essential to have a college degree!  Perhaps if she talked to a school guidance counselor it'd help her map out a plan...

Good luck!  Launching kids is a very challenging stage!

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Gin,

If he has epilepsy, does that qualify him for disability, and can he collect social security if so?  It might be worth looking into, because epilepsy can affect what jobs we can take, etc.  My uncle had it and I'm glad we no longer live in the dark ages that he endured in his life, it's physically challenging enough without society's ignorance being thrown into the mix.  I'm very sorry for the pain he must be experiencing with his dislocated shoulder. I hope his state has Medicaid for disabled and that he can get his surgery fully covered.

What line of work is he in?  Will this diagnosis affect his job?  I can only imagine this grandmother's heart and how it must be breaking to see him going through all this.  (((hugs)))

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I really should not have written.  This is a grief forum and what I wrote kept my mind off my grief and magnified it at the same time.  You know my situation and you and I both got out of dysfunctional families into a dysfunctional family of our own, more than once.  So, we do what we can, we follow a path that sometimes is marked out for us and we learn to keep our mouth shut (some of us, not me).  Yesterday was a bad day.  I shared and then I figured I shared too much.  No, I am not sure what to do.  I know she is not prepared for life.  Never had a  date, which might be good except she has to learn life and sometimes a 75-year-old woman cannot meet an 18-year-old on their own grounds.  We never fuss, she is very sweet, but was terribly bullied in school where the kids never moved in or out, same families for years, what I call vanilla kids.  I cannot go into what all was said but even rocks were thrown.  She was put into homeschool.  You think you know prejudice, then you take a beautiful girl with slight Asian eye structure and you cannot imagine how mean other kids can be.  She has exotic beauty and got along with the boys fine, the girls hated her.  I remember when I was a kid, I grew up with a bunch of vanillas also, I was a strawberry though.  I still was not bullied or made fun of.  The worse that was said to me was "she's got freckles on her butt she is pretty."  I cannot understand kids doing this to other kids.  It was never done to me and with red hair and freckles you would have thought I would have been a target.  I don't understand this world sometimes.  But, again, I have said too much. 

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Marg,

You go right ahead and write what is in your heart. It is still part of your grief. All of our lives have been changed in many ways because of our grief. Being older, it is hard to comprehend the ways of the world now, especially where our grandchildren are concerned. I just know we have to "be there" for them and help he best way we know how.

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22 hours ago, Marg M said:

She has exotic beauty and got along with the boys fine, the girls hated her.

Sounds like the other girls were jealous.  They can get like that.  

I've never heard the term vanilla or strawberry, but I try to avoid labeling.  I guess I'd be vanilla because I grew up in the same household, same parents, all my life, but it wasn't advantageous at all, not with a mom with mental problems and a dad that was alcoholic, much abuse growing up.  I know Marty doesn't like the word crazy but I know no other way to describe my mom, poor soul, she was tormented all her life and tormented us in turn.  I'm glad she's finally at peace, although I miss her, go figure.

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Just my way of describing blonds, redheads, and I guess chocolate would describe brunettes (in my mind).  (Everyone likes ice cream).  Mama used to give us all "Little Abner" names, and of course I was always "Moonbeam McSwine," the one who lived with pigs.  (I hate housekeeping and have never been neat.)  I hesitate to use chocolate because it might be unpolitical.  My redneck society possibly.  

But, crazy or insane, we use names we live with and lots of times they are not politically correct.  I did notice that the UK dropped Fox because it somehow "poisoned the minds of conservatives and the elderly."  Okay, that got my attention...........I had been labeled, and I cannot deny it, I am the elderly and I hate politics.  (And I don't think we are to mention politics). 

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I've never heard the term vanilla or strawberry, but I try to avoid labeling

Sorry, put the quote on bottom.

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