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Grieving boyfriend has resentment towards me


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My boyfriend of 6 years lost his mom 5 months ago. It was sudden and unexpected, and very tragic. They did not have a healthy relationship. She suffered from bipolar disorder and they would often fight and swear at each other. Throughout the past 6 years, I have tried to build a relationship with her and have been nothing but gracious and caring, even when it was more than difficult to be. My boyfriend used to say, "Don't feel bad. She doesn't get along with anyone". 

When I received the news of her passing, I stood by his side and told him that I will be there however he needed me to be. Whether he wants to talk, cry, or just sit there in silence. I often felt like I was bothering him and that his grieving was very personal, so I often gave him space when he would have bad days.

He told me a week ago that because his mom and I didn't get along, he has had resentment towards me since her death and that he didn't have a connection with me. His mother was horrible to me, and I tried to get along with her. I am completely lost. I have heard about stories where relationships will suffer after a death, and I told myself that no matter what I would stick it out. I have consulted with my close friends and they all think I should give him space and move out. When I mentioned to him that I was looking for a place to move to, he was quiet and sad and asked if we could work through it by sleeping in separate rooms. He is seeing a therapist for the first time this week. I don't know what to do. Any advice is very much appreciated. 

-Amanda

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Hi, welcome here, I'm sorry for what you're experiencing and your BF too.  I wouldn't jump to moving out just yet since he still wants to work it out, maybe try the separate rooms for a while...maybe therapy will help.  Do you know if his "therapist" is by chance a qualified grief counselor?  Not all are trained in grief and know what's going on or how to deal with it, I'd make sure first, check his/her qualifications.

It's very sad to lose a long term relationship because of a death.  I lost my fiance when his mom was dying, he broke up with me abruptly, no discussion allowed, I was just cut off.  His mom wouldn't have anything to do with me, refused to meet me, so I wasn't allowed to go over there and help when he was her caregiver 24/7, yet his ex and his neighbors and roommate could.  Nothing fair about this.  After a few months of no contact we did resume friendship but nothing more.  He doesn't trust himself not to hurt someone, he hadn't expected his response when his mom was dying.   I don't trust anymore either because anything can happen at any time to change everything, although I know not everyone responds that way, how do you know who will and who won't?  I haven't dated since and it's been seven years.

I do know none of this is your fault, it's not personal, although it sure FEELS personal.  Good luck to you, let us know how it goes.

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