When Will I Feel Like Living Again?

[Jae]

My daddy died March 22, 2006 at 10:47 P.M. I keep seeing his last moments replaying in my head like a movie that rewinds by itself. I hear his last breath and the sound of his heart as it slowed down to nothing. I hugged him and rested my head on his chest like I did when I was little because I knew it would be the last time.

I'm 39 yrs. old. Why do I feel like he abandoned me all over again? Why do I feel like a lost little girl? Aren't I to old to be feeling this way? This is supposed to be a normal part of life. We are supposed to lose our parents, right? Why do I feel like I can't breath sometimes when I think of him and why do I feel so cold lately?

I don't want to be out in public or even talk on the phone. I don't want to hear, "He's in a better place." Or "He wouldn't want you to be sad." Or "How are you doing, sweety?" With that pathetic look on their face. I don't even know why I feel so angry sometimes. Is this normal?

Sometimes I'll be sitting down watching t.v. because I ran out of things to clean, wash, or anything to keep me busy and that image appears in my mind again. I start to cry and my husband (who lost his father in Nov. 04) asks me "What's wrong?" What the hell do you mean 'what's wrong?' It's only been 2 weeks since my father left. Am I not supposed to grieve for more than 2 weeks? I feel so lost. I don't even know what to do with myself besides clean what's already clean. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I can't concentrate. I can't sleep, or eat. I just don't know what to do with myself. I miss my Daddy so much it literally causes pain in my heart. When will this pain stop? Or at least lessen to a degree that I can start to function normally again.

[shell]

Dear Jae,

EVERYTHING you are feeling is normal and most of us on this board have felt all of this at one time or another. Even feeling cold, oddly enough. There's a post just about that. I'll find the heading and you can read it.

A lot of the posters have also had friends and husbands, etc. that didn't seem to understand their grief. Again, read some of the posts, just browse the titles, and you will see a mirror image of yourself.

I am so sorry for your loss and all I can tell you is that it takes time...lots, to even feel functional again. You might also want to talk to your doctor, perhaps he/she can suggest some things. Or go to grief counseling. And, of course, keep posting here. I think I can speak for most of us in saying that it has helped us tremendously.

Hang in there and give yourself a hug,

Shell

I found the post about being cold. It's in this same category, on page 2 and the title is "Does This Happen?"

I don't know why it "doubled" my reply to you, but be sure you read at the very bottom. It has the info on the post about being cold.

Shell

[LoriW]

Jae,

I am sorry for your loss. It's painful and it's hard. I lost my Mom on 11/30/2005, very suddenly to cardiac arrest. I tried to get to the hospital before she passed away but I missed it by mere minutes. However, I too,still see her laying in the bed....tubes and wires coming off of her body. My father and my husband (who was near their home doing work) standing in the corner teary eyed. My Dad's words echo in my mind at times "She's gone, Lori...she went to heaven."

I went to my Mom....and like you I felt like a child again. Lost and afraid...afraid of not having my Mom. I said, "I love you Mom...you were a good Mama." I haven't used that term "Mama" since I was a little girl. I was 39 years old and I was reduced to feeling lost and unsure of myself over the loss of the most influential woman in my life.

Jae, I am a little over 4 months into this grief journey. At times things are better. I too have a husband who asked me what's wrong when I am crying. I think part of their fear is to see us so upset. They know we should be and are but maybe our sadness makes them afraid for us and themselves? I don't know. Days have gotten better but I do know that I cry every day...mostly I get teary eyed in a fond thought or my mind finds it's way back to that dreadful day of her passing. I remember that day with such detail...it's almost like a movie that plays in my head. Mostly I grieve alone and it's when I know I am alone.

In these past months I have felt, angry, sad, alone and afraid. At first, my forgetfulness even surprised me...and because it happened right after Thanksgiving and right before Christmas the Holidays were burdensome. I received many thoughtless remarks from inlaws who were surprised that I wanted a minimal holiday celebration. My remarks back may not have been very nice but I needed to deal with the holiday season the way I wanted to this year.

Jae, take time for yourself. I am learning not to rush through my grief but to feel it. To feel the loss of my Mom...and to learn that I will have to live without her for a long time. I miss her dearly...I miss seeing my Mom and Dad together...it's a shock and a change that I knew would come some day but it seemed too soon. Too quick. I just had seen my Mom 4 days prior to her death and she was fine. Be good to yourself. Keep your Dad's spirit alive...tell stories...I tell stories to my girls and I am smiling more. I want them to remember what a loving and remarkable woman their grandmother was.

Hugs to you and my deepest sympathy over the loss of your Dad.

[Guest Guest]

hi Jae my daddy died last year august 13th 2005 i still see his last moments and wish to see him he died of a massive heart attack we never even new he had a heart problem i am the eldest of four children and yet i was always daddys little girl he suffered all of my life ( im 32) with arthritus and seperated from my mum when i was 20 i have taken care of him since even now im the one who up keeps his grave i miss him so much and i know he is no longer in pain but the selfish side of me just wants him back somedays i saw him everyday some times once a week but friday was always our day he would come round and we would have chinease he was my hero i have got better then how i was you will to my dad was only 56 not a day goes buy when his not in my thoughts and i do talk to him the other month i begain crying as i went to my local pharmacey and the man who has always worked there is going bald on top just like my dad was so when i got home i begain crying untill i heard him in my head saying oh my god girl come on your now crying over a bald head which then made me laugh and yes my husban would say the same whats wrong even though he lost his farther two weeks after mine but it seems other people seem to move on why cant i but when you actually think about it they are proberley just doing as we are putting that oh im o.k face on but just keeep thinking about the things that he did that made you feel good and laugh cause trust me he is around you scooping you up in his arms and giving you a big hug cause you will always be daddys little girl luv paula

[shubom]

I'm sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my father 6 years ago. He was 47 and died of a heart attack. We were all devestated, and my mom took it hard. I worried about her and took care of her best I could, like my father would have wanted. But she died in her sleep in Jan of this year, at 56, of unknown causes. And I had to come home and find her. So you see, no matter what I did, she still slipped past me. I'm so sad. Words can't express the sadness I feel for the loss of both parents. I'm not even 30 yet. And I need them !

The pain doesn't go away. It does gets easier to bear, but I think only because I do things to keep busy so I won't think about it. I stay with relatives because I can't bear going to an empty house. I try to cover the hurt, but it doesn't go away.

No one understands. I spent the weekend, with my ex-boyfriend. We went site-seeing and had a good time. I was laughing and joking, then all of a sudden, a memory of my parents hit ! Then I switched subjects and blurted out, LIFE REALLY SUCKS. He was shocked at my sudden change in emotion. Then he had the nerve to ask me what could be so bad with my life? Since I have a great job, a nice house, nice car, etc. I wanted to blurt out YOU IDIOT my PARENTS JUST DIED ... HELLO !!! The house you see was bought with my father's insurance money ! And now my mom is gone, and I'm left with this huge house mortgage! I wanted to scream that out, but I didn't. What good would it do, if he hasn't lost anyone and doesn't know what I'm talking about?

I wish I could find someone who could understand my pain. But apparently no one understands what YOU are going through, but YOU.

So yes, it does get easier so you can function, but the pain doesn't go away. You could be fine one minute and the next minute not so good.

[shell]

Oh Shubom, what a weekend! Sorry it was going so well and then had to get ruined with his insensitive remarks. It just never ceases to amaze me how many people just don't seem to give a darn about others feelings. I think that's why I've, more or less, made myself a hermit while going through my grief. I'm afraid to be around people because they usually end up hurting me or making me more depressed or pissing me off. I'm afraid grief is a solitary journey. That's why this board is so wonderful, you can share with people here that DO understand and relate.

Hang in,

Shell

[shubom]

Hi Shell,

Thanks for the words of encouragment. Yes, I also feel like grief is a solitary process. My friends, relatives, co-workers, everyone around me tend to forget I'm grieving! I really have no one to talk to, except for these boards. I'm a little confused in this whole grief and dying process. Even when these people have lost loved ones in the past, they tend to forget how it felt and they separate themselves from YOUR situation. They pretend it didn't happened, which makes you feel like you are the ONLY who is going through it or has ever went through it. There's only a select few in hundreds that shares their experiences. I hate that about our society ! And I'm not going to be one of those people. If and whenever my friends or anyone needs help going through a tough situation like this, I will sure be there to help them. I will be there to listen and understand !

[shell]

Shubom,

It is strange that people who have been through it too, but maybe a long time ago, seem to forget how it feels. I will never forget, and like you, I have tried harder to be there for people and reach out to them. At least I have gained, what I consider, an important lesson about caring and giving. I was always there for my friends, but I have to admit that I was probably one of the people I'm complaining about until it happened to me. I would say, "I'm sorry, how awful" but I probably didn't "follow up" with them as often as I should have. But people who HAVE been through it should know better!

Hugs,

Shell

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

I am struck by Shell's observation that "people who have been through it too, maybe a long time ago, seem to forget how it feels," as it reminded me of a wonderful article I read recently in Grief Digest Quarterly Magazine. I've just now placed it in The Latest News forum, under the title, What Is a Compassionate Friend?

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[D C]

Jae,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can and do feel your pain. I think you should do what ever you like to do thats right for you, dont worry about what other people think. If it's time to cry; then do it. We lost our daughter on Nov. the 17th 2005 to a truck crash, it still seems unreal, she should walk into the room any time but I know it will not happen. There is a hole inside of me the size of a building, it never goes away. I can only say that life will get a little better as time goes on. I dont think the pain will ever go away, you just learn to live with it. This process is different for each person, whats right for me may not work for you. Jae; you do what you think is right for you and to hell with what anybody else thinks. Hang in there, I think the only thing that keeps me going is I know there are others in the same boat that I am in. I hope the best for your and your family. You are in my prayers.

D.C.

[shell]

DC,

I am so sorry for your pain. I think you are right, the pain never goes away, you just learn to live with it. And that you have to handle it the way you want to and not worry what others think.

My deepest sympathies,

Shell

[Paul S]

Marty said (quoting shell): "I am struck by Shell's observation that "people who have been through it too, maybe a long time ago, seem to forget how it feels,"

I fear forgetting how it feels, though sometimes it seems as if "how can I possibly?"

I think sticking around here, making this place a regular stop, will help prevent that.

To forget the loss would mean that the person died again.