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i think i need some help


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My mom died in 2009 and I'm still having a really tough time with it. She had cancer and honestly, when she passed, i kind of fell apart. Im better now, I have a great job, a great family etc. But the pain is still there. Getting through the year is torture sometimes. So many holidays and events that all come back to who is missing, who wont see this achievement etc. I now grief takes all sorts of forms, I'm just so sick of being sad so frequently..

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I am sorry for the loss of your mom. I am glad that you are better now and that you have a great job and a great family. Holidays are always hard. In my case, the pain of loss will always be there just not as intense. The way I have dealt with the loss of my mother is to prepare one of her favorite dishes for a holiday dinner. Now that I have grandchildren we bake some of her famous cookies and make popcorn balls during Halloween ~ a favorite holiday of my mother’s. My grandchildren never met their grandmothers for they were deceased. Over the years I have found that if you share memories with other family members it eases the pain of our loved one not being with us. Sadness is something that is present when we have lost someone we love.

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Enna, thanks for your kind words. As it happens, we have one of our big holidays coming up this week (Rosh Hashana). There will be lots of cousins and uncles and aunts coming to spend time with us and share meals with us as well. I have been cooking and baking for weeks. My relief is going to work LOL.

As we get closer to this wednesday night, I feel like yet again, I am sinking emotionally. All of the recipes that I have prepared are family heirloom style ones passed down to me from my mom. This wasn't a conscious decision, its just what we like to eat around our holidays. My spouse and I (if history holds true) will in the next few weeks have a big argument and then like in the past, it will dawn on both of us that this is sadness.

The understanding is that this is taking too long. Ive never met anyone (real life or online) that gets so upset about this loss so many years later. 

 

Anyway, thanks for writing back.

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I'm very sorry for your loss.  Try not to compare your loss or your reactions to anyone else's. I've heard it said that to each person, their loss is the greatest, and I'm sure that's true.  But it's also true that we all handle grief differently and our feelings can go the whole gamut, all of them normal.  It takes what it takes, there's no time limit on grief.  My grief is the rest of my life, I've learned to coexist with it, I can still smile, enjoy life, but carry that missing them/sadness inside of me also.  It helps to imagine your loved one partaking in these things alongside you, who knows, maybe they are and can't let us know.

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What helps me when grief overcomes me (in thinking of mom’s passing a couple of years ago) is a verse I read in the Bible.  It reads  Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

If i don’t do that those things, I find myself overwhelmed with grief, despondent, and unable to think clearly.  However, I think about those positive attributes, it becomes only a matter of moments before the grief completely dissipates.  I don’t know if you have a faith system, but putting my trust and hope in God has helped me get through the difficult times of grieving.  Maybe this article will help. Moving Forward: Dealing With Grief

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