Medical impact of grief, stress and being alone

[Gwenivere]

I haven't felt like writing much since the beginning of the month and my new doc changed my antidepressant around.  It's way too detailed to get into and would be boring to read.  The thing that started this whole mess was losing my doc of 27 years in May.  He and I were going to do this also, but he knew me and factored in the panic disorder.  The new doc tried, but we don't have that bond.  Mistakes were made so my trust is very limited in him right now.  I'm sure he has his views of me not being compliant as all good little patients should.  The worst of it is I have allowed myself to get caught up in feeling my meds for a anxiety make me look like an addict, tho I am under what I was prescribed.  Working on that in therapy because I guess I want to be tough, but never have been so stressed, even when losing Steve.  Or if I was, but my focus was on him, not me.  Being thrown out of the nest from my old doc has opened my eyes to how misunderstood a patient can be.  My old doc's view was whatever worked for function is what was needed regardless of popular opinion.  Patient first and foremost.  I called him over the weekend and he wants me n his office AGAIN (3rd time this month).  This time I'm pinning him down to what his actual plan is as it sounds he wants to go straight AD and lose the anxiety meds.  That may work, but his plan is to do it much faster than my body can handle.  Plus it is a big change and people in grief with no support are already dealing with more than thier share of change every single day.  This has pushed me to thinking about ending things.  Never felt that before in my life and a scary place to be.  If I dare mention it I'm told to go to the ER where I know what will happen.  Social worker and ask if I want to be admitted.  Stress upon stress.  I've called so many shrinks I'm surprised the buttons on my phone have any imprint left.  Always dead ends and I don't even know if I wil get one that will help.......2 months from now which is the seemingly waiting time.  I saw one APRN whose plan scared the bejeeezus out of me.  I don't know what to do with the feelings I have towards Steve and my old doc about this.  I wouldn't be in this mess if they were here.  But that is beyond my control as feels everything else right now.   There is anger, bitterness and so much sadness.   I want to scream at a Steve for leaving me yet also want him to hold me and make me feel safe and loved again.  That's what it always comes back to, not really mattering  to that special someone that loves you back.  Gawd I so want to connect with life again beyond all hour here or there.  

Just needed to get this out.  Please no suggestions because I have heard them all.  Like othes here, I needed a safe place to vent.  This last month keeping it bottled inside has been hell and I don't know where it will go from here.  

I read every day about all if you.  My heart is with you all in your.personal struggles.

Edited September 25, 2017 by Gwenivere
Mispellingn

[MartyT]

Gwen, I know you're not looking for suggestions and I respect that ~ but I'm still concerned about you and I care about what is happening to you. I just have one question. Is it at all possible that you could ask your doc of 27 years and your new doc if they'd be willing to have a phone call consultation with each other about you and your case, so they could discuss your history, your response to medications, and come to some agreement about your current treatment plan? Just a thought ~ and feel free to ignore it completely. Just know that I'm here ~ we all are ~ and we care about you. You are one of us, and you matter to us. A lot.  ♥

[Gwenivere]

I was hoping they would talk, Marty.  My old doc had given up his practice but was still an administrator at the hospital.  I then heard he  is off the grid totally now.  That was going to be my request when I started with the new guy, but it was too late.  Old doc referred some patients to this guy so there was maybe some discussion, but not enough it seems.   Thanks for your caring note.  💖

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The worst of it is I have allowed myself to get caught up in feeling my meds for a anxiety make me look like an addict, tho I am under what I was prescribed.  Working on that in therapy because I guess I want to be tough, but never have been so stressed, even when losing Steve.

Oh Gwen!  My little sister and I were just having this discussion this morning...my family has anxiety, most of us, it's our curse, and my daughter-in-law does too.  Oddly my son escaped it.  I wish our society would get rid of the notion that there is something "lesser" about you if you have anxiety (or depression), or that you're "weak"...there's nothing "weak" about anyone who lives with anxiety (or is married to someone with it)!  If they doubt that, they should live a day in the shoes of any of us.  We'd be glad to trade places!  

I know you are plagued far worse than I am, and my heart goes out to you...mine affects my sleep and I used to get full blown attacks Friday afternoons, just before the start of the weekend.  I'm sorry you had to switch doctors, I know how rough that is too.  My old one I had for 33 years, and I even worked for him for four years, he knew me well.  I've been with my latest one for 8 years and she apparently doesn't know me that well...she's the one that refused to see me last time.  I'm going to try her one more time and see how it goes, I have an appt. October 3rd, I feel anxiety even thinking about it.

I have no answers, I know you've probably tried everything, I think I have, you know all the stuff, soothing music, lavender, walks, pets, meditations, etc.  I just want you to know that with everything you are feeling you aren't "lesser than" nor "weak", and I am just sorry you are experiencing this because it's no fun and I wish you nothing but the best in your outcome.

[KarenK]

Gwen,

Holding you in my heart as we navigate this rocky road. Living without that one person who made us feel special definitely sucks. Hope somehow your days become brighter.

Karen

[Gin]

Gwen,

I have no suggestions...just hoping you feel better.  This is such a rotten road to travel without our mates.

[Marie Lee]

Dear Gwen, I offer no solutions.. I kind of think life is all about the journey and everyone is unique and different..but I do want to say I am glad to see a post from you.

You are a kind and loving soul - just know that you are loved. 

I don't come here as often as I did during the early stages of my grief.. but I think if you all often and want everyone to know how much this group means to me... 

Hugs/ Marie

[amstcole]

Since you don't want suggestions - though i have quite a few - i'm just going to send a virtual hug and prayers for you...anyway, just one suggestion -have you considered switching doctors?  

[TomPB]

I feel for you Gwen, wish I could give you a hug.

For myself, I've really noticed how tired grief makes me even when I think I haven't done anything. But there's a constant high intensity workout going on inside even when I'm sitting quietly.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, amstcole said:

Since you don't want suggestions - though i have quite a few - i'm just going to send a virtual hug and prayers for you...anyway, just one suggestion -have you considered switching doctors?  

Thank you for the hug and prayers.  Switching docs at this point would just create more stress.  I wouldn't know where to begin again and with the 4 month experience of trying to find a shrink and still nowhere on that, I can afford more pushing me over the ledge.

I've told him we are now doing things at my pace.  I'm the patient, I call the shots because only I know what I feel.

[Margm]

I know you do not want suggestions.  Guess what?  I don't have any.  Gwen, I have put off going to the doctor period.  I go to my old caregiver once every six months.  And, that is to get Xanax.  I really felt bad today and got to thinking, I cannot kick the bucket while I am trying to help take care of my granddaughter.  That really won't help her problems at all.  And then again, I have no control and no doctor.  I have a picture of me and Billy taken just before he left.  We are on opposite sides of an old big wooden and iron bridge and I look at it and think he is just on the other side of the bridge and I'm tired.  My thoughts are with you and I know the antidepressant might cause you some anxiety but I think you will read on it that it can cause thoughts of suicide in some people.  Please let your doctor know this.  My granddaughter's caregiver naturally wanted to put her on antidepressants, which she has been on in the past.  She hated the way they made her feel and won't take them.  I was on Prozac for probably 15 years.  I told my granddaughter's caregiver (nurse practitioner) that Prozac made me just have apathy so bad I could not cry if I wanted to.  She told me they gave it to her for anxiety and it calms her down.  Made me think "damn, just give me a sugar pill and tell me I am going to feel excellent" and maybe I will.  I do so truly feel for you.  Long way between Louisiana and Washington, but my heart is with you.  We are all the same, we are all different.  We share this dammed grief.  I know that is supposed to be damned, but I like the sound of dam-med. 

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Thank you for the hug and prayers.  Switching docs at this point would just create more stress.  I wouldn't know where to begin again and with the 4 month experience of trying to find a shrink and still nowhere on that, I can afford more pushing me over the ledge.

I've told him we are now doing things at my pace.  I'm the patient, I call the shots because only I know what I feel.

I understand.  Everyone has told me I need to get a new doctor (after my doctor refused to see me for my injuries...that after making an appt. and driving 120 mile round trip and waiting for an hour in the waiting room).  I don't relish starting again with unknown in place of what I already know regarding treatment with Rxs, etc.  I am hoping this was a once event and that our relationship can continue.  I'll know more after October 3rd when I have my next appointment.  If I truly cannot work with her again, I will have no choice but to start the search for a new doctor, something I'd dread.

[Gwenivere]

You know what really steams me about this new guy?  His throwing me out there to find help blindly.  My old doc would have consulted with shrinks he knew from his hospital affiliation.  Maybe it might get too complicated and me need to see them, but he would tell me who and had some pull getting me in.  This guy is new in town, but surely there are resources he could look into.

[kayc]

Yeah, I'm missing my old doctor and dentist, those were the days, when you could call them at home any time day or night.

[Gin]

Kay,

i am getting nervous about how much longer I will have my doc.  He is 67 and will probably be leaving soon.  He took care of Al and me for many years.  

[kayc]

Change is so hard! It's made harder when change isn't constructive or positive. 

[Margm]

Well, I had all my records sent to one clinic in town.  I did that a year or so ago.  The two nurse practitioners worked with the doc that retired and then they disappeared.  They must not have liked the new doc.  So, I have two new FNP's.  I will go to which ever one they send me to, or to the doctor one.  My problem is the doc thinks he knows more than I do.  Guess he is right, but I know what I can take and what I cannot and if he does not listen to me, then I will leave.  No need for GYN exams or other radiated portions of my body, but they might treat bronchitis if I happened to have it, but they better be careful.  I can take my two blood pressure meds and Xanax and afraid of anything else.  If they don't listen to me I will leave and find one that does listen to me..  I do not want any heroic measures medically or surgically.  So, I hope I find one that will listen to me and maybe I will listen to him/her.

 

 

[kevin]

I had a Doctors visit, everything was good , he said anything else.....I said Memory appears to be slipping.....We chatted but no magic pills......My question, Anybody else out there slowly losing  memory...particularly super short term.?...Its like I can't focus or concentrate on specifics....I decided to make a list every night and it will be a dynamic list, as stuff is being crossed off, new stuff is going on.........Other than my Joints not working ,I'm doing fine and Hobble 3 miles a day on the Golf Course.......

[kevin]

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal.”

- Irish Tombstone

[DaveM]

Kevin, heavy short-term loss for me as well. It's a good thing the doc and dentist call to remind me that I have appointments. I gave up a dentist last year because his office wouldn't bother with reminders. So they can't bother with me, then. Lists, lists, lists. I am in the process of moving right now, so have a running grocery list, a list of what's next in the move, and a to-do list. Shoot, I have to keep a 'pay this bill on this day' list as well.

[Gin]

Kevin,. I make lists for everything.  Before I go to bed at night, I make sure I have my list ready for the morning.

Dave, Moving must be very stressful.  I can not even get a room  fully cleaned, let alone get a house cleared out!

[iPraiseHim]

1 hour ago, kevin said:

I had a Doctors visit, everything was good , he said anything else.....I said Memory appears to be slipping.....We chatted but no magic pills......My question, Anybody else out there slowly losing  memory...particularly super short term.?...Its like I can't focus or concentrate on specifics....I decided to make a list every night and it will be a dynamic list, as stuff is being crossed off, new stuff is going on.........Other than my Joints not working ,I'm doing fine and Hobble 3 miles a day on the Golf Course.......

Kevin,

I am not a doctor nor do I play one in this Internet world.  However, there are a few things I have learned in my studies and research.  Grief affects me now even after 2 and 1/2 years. I make  a lot of lists and sometimes forget to check my lists. I find I do better with regular time sleep schedule and allow myself enough time to wake up before my alarm sounds.  I have also added 1-2TBS of Coconut oil to my food intake and it seems to help.  Research the effects of low fat diets on memory loss.  - Shalom, George 

[Margm]

Oh y'all, I cannot say I am happy to hear that about memory, but honestly, I have not worried about memory.  And........short term is gone almost 100% of time.  My granddaughter tries to make me remember things and I just don't want to remember.  I will come up with the right answer and she will say "are you sure?"  Hell no I'm not sure. All I am sure of is this.  I get to rewatch shows I saw last week all over again and I love it.  Now, I do have my things I have to remember, as always....keys in left pocket, cell phone in right  pocket.  At night in box by my bed.  Glasses always left on printer.  Purse against wall in bedroom or by computer in daytime.  Has to be that way, if not I go into shock mode and cannot think period and get very scared because I sure won't remember where I had them last. There are 18 Joe Pickett books by C.J. Box and four separate ones not about the man.  I am enjoying reading them all over again but am easily distracted and have to reread them over and over.  Billy already had them on his Kindle so I didn't have to buy any of them.  I do make lists ever so often and I cannot keep my mind on one thing for long.  Kevin, all of you, I think we do pretty good.  I am not too sure that the amphetamines I took back in the 70's didn't scramble a few brain cells anyhow.  Sure was fun until I had to get off them.  

My mom just died with Alzheimer's at 94.  I still think the grief has got us all in a memory loss mode and it is no telling how long it will last.  I just consider that part of the scar tissue.  

[Gwenivere]

Marg, so sorry to hear about your mother.  

Keven, what was the question about short term memory?  🙂

Oh yeah, mine is shot, has been since after the 1st year after Steve's death.  Today I was heading for an appointment and almost missed a turn and I have made this drive for years.  I'm really careful backing up in parking lots as I have had so many close calls thinking I've checked all mirrors.  I can't count how many times I get up to check things to find I already did them or the opposite when I'm sure I haven't  I thought I might get used to it, but it really frustrates me when I was so sharp before.  I always made lists and would find I had done them and more when I got home.  Of course, without Steve my lists are much shorter.  Don't need a lot anymore.  I also carry spare keys in my pocket or the house as I have locked mine inside.  The list goes on and on.  I am so grateful I have a keypad for the car having locked my keys in there.  I don't know if I will ever get used to this.   It's like having OCD or dementia.  Feh.

[kayc]

Kevin,

I live by lists.  I remember when a friend's house burned down...I asked her years later what had been the hardest thing to lose.  She said her calendar, she didn't know where she was supposed to go or what she was supposed to do.  I thought that was funny but probably oh so true.

Grief affects our memory.  Focus is hard.  Brain/grief fog.  Try to be very understanding and patient with yourself like you would if this happened to a friend.  I'm sure part of it is getting older but I'm not ready to give in to dementia yet.