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The Anniversary of Losing My Precious Child

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I am navigating this week carefully and as mindfully as possible.  

Compass Direction: NORTH, then South

This week began with a monumental success for my living child. What a joy - while at the same time pain in my chest. Their angel sibling would have beamed and bragged about their sibling's accomplishment.  My angel child would have told every stranger they saw that day. Oh how I miss seeing that beaming face and hearing that cheerful voice!

Compass Direction: East, then West --- then lost - possibly

The next day, a text from a cousin who has made our tragedy about her.

I am still surprised by those who do not get it when you don't respond to texts or emails. They don't get that silence means we need our time - yes, I've responded in this fashion in the past. I know they mean well - but they're not getting the point.

"I'm here for you. I understand how you feel."

No, they've not lost a child.  

"We're close."

No, we're not. They were rude and mean to me throughout childhood. When around them - they only talk about their life. In her case, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  I want to find a movie line to respond with --- kind of like the "He's Not That Into You" quote for the overzealous female.  Something like  "She's not into your form of 'help". (Sorry, my attempt to be funny.)

Compass Direction: Found East again, going Northeast

A year ago, my child had been in PICU for a month. The various machines were hooked up, beeping, taking over my angel's body - but NOT their spirit. My gut told me what I had felt since their diagnosis - their time on Earth was coming to an end and a new chapter was beginning.  As a mother, I just knew from the moment of diagnosis this time was coming.  (We battled for a year.)

Compass Direction - NOT needed - this is heart space

I love to read - I mean love, love, love to read. However, this chapter of the past year was by no means navigated by my understanding of literature ... too simplistic.  I like reading because I know there's a structure.  Instead, the last year has been navigated by my heart, my tears, my love, my anguish, hugs, writing, talking to 2 good counselors and by my loving husband and surviving child. We talk about everything. We love each other. Even with our loss, I still consider myself to be blessed.

My child passed away on October 1st. This weekend, we are taking some time to disconnect and focus on us. We are going to a special place the four of us loved to visit. Yes, it is that sacred space. Yes, it is that sacred time of connection, remembering and honoring.  We scattered some of my angel's ashes there. A perfect spot - under a tree surrounded by their favorite colored flowers. (The attached pic was taken years ago because it was pointed out by my angel child. And I "had to get that shot".)

I feel close to my angel there. I feel close to God there. (Tears drip off my chin as I type this.)

For me, the pain is not as intense and all consuming - but the pain does bubble up again. I am getting back into the working world. But I still find that I am very careful who I choose to be around - this won't change. I think it's healthy.  Toxic people and toxic situations are not good for me.

Whether you pray, meditate or you just think about people - please do so for my family and I this week.  Thank you in advance for this.

Thank you for creating such a place to share such thoughts, feelings and ideas.

Peace & Many Blessings.


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2 hours ago, Mindy said:

I am very careful who I choose to be around - this won't change. I think it's healthy.  Toxic people and toxic situations are not good for me.

A very wise decision. Good for you.

2 hours ago, Mindy said:

Whether you pray, meditate or you just think about people - please do so for my family and I this week.  


2 hours ago, Mindy said:

Thank you in advance for this. Thank you for creating such a place to share such thoughts, feelings and ideas.

You are more than welcome. 

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I appreciate your sharing here, I know it's not easy.  I am so sorry for your loss.  Those words sound so trite, it oversimplifies what cannot be put into words.  But it's heartfelt nonetheless.  I haven't lost a child, I have lost my sweet husband, my parents, grandparents, countless pets, aunts, uncles, three year old nephew, nearly two year old niece.  I'm learning that loss is part of life's cycle, even when it's unfathomable.  Unfortunately, no one gave us a road map for this.  Learning to navigate through grief is quite a task.

You are so right not to respond to those who are not good for you.  You're right that this journey is about you, not them.  Learning self care was one of the important things I learned in my journey.

The flowers are beautiful...I hope your day together at your special place will be not only meaningful but bring you some comfort.

You are so right...our grief journey evolves, the intensity of the pain lessens, but it can rear up at any time, coming in seeming unexpected waves.  I've learned to accept them and try to flow with it.

The one thing that never goes away is missing them, for the love continues.

God be close to you, you and your family are in my prayers.

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  • 2 months later...

Good to see that you have come out from the loss. I also have lost my child when he was just 6 months old. It was because of lack of proper care of the nanny. Like every day that day also I and my hubby went to the office early in the morning. At around noon I got a phone call from my hubby asking me to come to one of the nearby hospitals. When I reached the hospital what I saw was my child lying dead on the bed. I screamed out, unable to bear the pain. The baby died by drowning. We had a swimming pool in the backyard. Nanny was sitting there with the baby. But when nanny went to pick her phone, the child slipped and fell into the water. Although the nanny took him out of the water, by that time he was dead. It took more than a year for me to recover from that shock. Now I'm happy to say that I'm carrying and my due date is by the end of this month. Eagerly waiting for the newborn. I would like to sleep train the baby but don't know from which month onwards the baby sleep training must start? If anyone is aware of it please do let me know. 

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I am so sorry for your loss, that must have been horrific.  

I'm happy to hear your news about your impending birth, congratulations!  I don't know what baby sleep training is, I'm 65 and my babies are long raised.  My son slept 12 hours a night from the beginning...my daughter wasn't so easy, eight hours a day in snatches.  But I'd love to have them back that age even for just a while!  I content myself with my grandbabies, although they aren't nearly as close (in proximity) as I'd like.

Good luck!

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