transposing feelings to avoid anticip grief?

[Annabella]

Hello,  Its Annabella again.

|I lost this site for a while so I am so glad I found it again!

I hope this is not too confusing to read.  Basically my feelings have been quite anxious and all over the board for a while.  My husbands prostate cancer is in remission but to me it feels like the calm before the storm -- and I dont trust the situation.  \it seems like I am desperately trying to latch onto some "happy" feelings in order to avoid the anxiety I am feeling.  For example, I recently told my guitar teacher that I could not continue my lessons with him as \i have been experiencing overwhelming feelings for him that bother my conscience and that I just cant cope with.  I think in my mind I have been looking to him to be a "hero" to me and save me from the grief and fear of being alone I am experiencing.  He absolutely had no idea I had been thinking in these terms and it has just been too much for me to cope with.  He is a christian man and I am a Christian woman so i told him that I must stop as it is very important to me to do the right thing.  He had told me in the past that he loved me but he meant a christian love --- in my mind this messed me up as I seemed to latch onto that and see it for something it was not.  Anyway, I think I was desperate for a happy feeling in order to avoid my anxiety.  Is it possible that I have transposed my feelings for my husband onto someone else in order to avoid my fears?  I know I love my husband and have not plans of leaving.  Can I stop feeling guilty and like i'm a bad person over this mistake with my heart.  Can someone reassure me that this is a natural thing to go through when enduring anticipatory grief and that I can forgive myself and move on.  I have since booked a session with a therapist so that i can get help to cope with my fears.   'why cant I just live in the moment and accept that the cancer is in remission?  Do I secretly just want it to be all over with?  Can anyone help me make sense of this?  Is it possible to resume my guitar lessons at some future date once I have had time to process what is really going on?

[MartyT]

I'm glad you found us again, too, Annabella! It's also good to know that you're planning to meet with a therapist so that, as you say, you can get help to cope with your fears. In the meantime, you may find this article helpful: Anticipating the Death of a Spouse  ♥

 

[Annabella]

thank you Marty.  That article was just what I needed.  I love the quote "in order to get to what was to what will be, you have to go through what is".  This strengthens my resolve to get help to be brave enough to live in the present and be the best I can be for my husband and family right now.  The article also helped me to see that it is normal to think about and envision in my mind a life without him and that it can be a way to cope with the present reality.....\it showed me that I am not the only one that had thought in those terms and that it is a normal part of grieving.  I am grateful for your reply, thank you again.   

Anne

[MartyT]

You are more than welcome, dear one. ♥

[kayc]

I'm glad you found your way back here and Marty was able to help you. Keep us up on how it's going.

[Annabella]

thank you.