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Some nights are lonelier than others


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The end of this month will mark 3 years Steve has been gone.  I've posted that I lost my doctor in May.  I don't know how I am going to face the anniversary, November with our birthdays, the start of the holidays and ending in January with our wedding anniversary.  I mention my doctor because since he retired I have been cast 'to the wolves' for medical management for my depression and anxiety with the new one.   Something my old doc would have reached out to associates for help.  My new guy has increased the depression because finding help has been futile.  Then I think if Steve were here, it still would be a pain to lose my doc, but  I wouldn't be needing outside help with the depression and anxiety.  The timing couldn't have been worse.  I have to continually remind myself I am not going crazy when I am spiraling out of control because the crazy around me.  I'm just trapped in it.  I am physically and mentally exhausted.  Gawd forbid the days I have nothing planned.  I would just sit here and.....I don't know what I would do!  I create things to get me out for a bit.   I'm finding I'm losing feeling connected with the world and people.  They live.  I exist.  My 'jobs' have diminished drastically.  I was the shopper, cleaner, cook, unfortunately care giver and now those are hardly needed if at all.  I'm so tired of thoughts I can't share with anyone anymore. How many ways can we keep saying we are  tired if being alone?   This is redundant stuff we've all talked about.  No one understands in my very small circle the pain.  I just keep saying I am hanging in there.  I ran into someone who hadn't realized it had been so long.  Of course I know why as their life has continued on as it always has.  In fact better as thier kids are gone and now they are back to so much time together they had to sacrifice.  It was like having a mirror.held up saying, this could have been you.  I love thier house looked lived in.  Messy here and there.  Signs of life.  The most I get are a few dog toys strewn about.  I just miss him so much and the 3rd time is no charm of getting used to it.  We should be planning birthdays and thanksgiving.  Our yearly challenge of one. Christmas gift  after years of big celebreations as we settled into low key.  Anniversary was a big one as we relished another mark in our time together.  

Ramble over.  It's a particularly lonely Sunday night.  Week starts up with medical issues, counseling and filling time that use to be easy because, well, you know why.  

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Gwen,. Know how it is.  I hate weekends.  I feel so jerky wanting to "kill time".   Before we did not have enough and now.....This weekend is particularly bad since this sciatica has confined me to the house doing nothing.  All the anniversaries you are facing is so hard.  Thoughts are with you.

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I'm having the opposite problem, too much to do and just me to do it.  I'm exhausted.

Gwen, thinking of you as you're going into 3 years.

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11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I'm finding I'm losing feeling connected with the world and people.

I'm sorry Gwen. If it helps a little bit, I feel the same on that. 

There is no "strong connection" with what I do and with whom happens to be there in that moment.

I became quite solitary. I don't call my friends, just text them. I don't look for company to do stuff. I don't beg for company.

People keep asking if I made new friends. But they never lost company nor they had to rebuild a life from ground zero. I had to re-learn "social skills". This is not a joke. 

I found a good question for them: what about you, have you made friends in the last 6 months? no? and why not?

It seems very easy....from the outside. Like it is our fault that we don't "try" enough nor we are "open" enough.

I am alone because of death.

My thoughts are with you.

 

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Weekends are the worst esp Sunday when we had our favorite loving routines. Such a pair of creatures of habit, didn't take much to make us happy. Home alone on a dark day surrounded by memories is worst of the worst. I try to be with friends but instead of enjoying being with them I think of it as a band-aid on not being with Susan. My grief couselor says "don't miss this part" meaning this part of my life matters too, but it's hard to get there.

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Others do not realize how hard it is to make friends.  Someone told me, "When you go to the health club, just ask a group to go out with you for coffee".   First of all, that is not my style.  And maybe I do not want to be friends with them.  And, these folks are busy and not necessarily interested in me.  This new life is sure hard to navigate!  

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Gwen.. I could type a book in response to being lonely and solitude, I hope you are feeling a bit better...

Ana, I like that response and will keep in mind to use it ...

Tom, weekends are tough indeed.. Gin.. I get it.. truly, I do... Kay.. I hope you get some relief soon..

All, Yes , Yes.. Yes.. all the anniversaries and memories.. Still trying to make peace w/ myself and all that is new...

Sending out hugs.. Marie.

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Gwen and all:  I totally empathize with you.  It's been almost 2 1/2 years and I'm worse off than ever in the lonely department.  I had so hoped it would be better, not worse.  I, too, manufacture things to keep me busy and it's horrible if I'm not.  The problem is that I wasn't that way before he died and now it is such a job to keep things going.  I also got terrible bee stings in August so can't do yard work and that was a major way of filling the time.  I really feel exhausted with all of this too.  Tired of trying to just get through another day.  Tired of the loneliness, which even doing things doesn't completely help because like everyone else what I'm lonely for is my love to care about me and to care about.  Keep hoping time will make this better but am becoming a little hopeless about that.  My thoughts are with all of you....Cookie

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Sometimes I sit here and think this is reallly pathetic.   Looking for things to do when it used to be there was plenty and by end of day we were happy to sit down and relax.  Watch some TV, eat dinner, etc.  I get so desperate that if a lightbulb burns out I'll ake a trip to replace the spare.  I can't even tally the miles and time I've invested to fill the days I am not volunteering.  Even then, I still keep coming home to this cold, lonely house.  All the 'we' times are gone.  I'm so tired of doing things alone like meals and waking up knowing that is how it is going to be ALL day.

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Weekdays are no different than weekends for me. Every day is an exercise in loneliness and "existing". The emptiness of life without Tammy is often so overwhelming I can barely fathom what lies ahead. The future? Pretty much the same as today and the day before and the day before that. Biding my time until... and that's just it. Until what?

Life seems to be different variations on the same theme. Just trying to get through the day in one piece, emotionally and physically.

There's no joy. No love. And for now (and maybe forever) no real sense that I'm doing anything truly worthwhile or ultimately, fulfilling.

I know that sounds a little bleak, but, hey, at least I'm trying. There's that, right?

And Gwen, here's a big hug3.gif.ff7b118a2c23f08cd7f306ddc98e06ef.gif hug.

Mitch

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22 hours ago, Cookie said:

I also got terrible bee stings in August so can't do yard work

Me too, Cookie.  August 18 I got stung by a wasp and discovered I'm HIGHLY allergic.  My lawn is now a field.  I had someone mowing it with his tractor but he ruined the transmission and both my lawnmowers have been hauled off by the junk guy, still looking for someone to do lawn care.  We had someone but he died in an accident this summer.  Small towns...hard to find good help.
I can't relate to having nothing to do, like I said, I have the opposite problem.  I always have a list going of things I need to get done and it's always deadline for something. This is the busy time of a year for a treasurer, need to spend time on budget setting and then it'll be year end, taxes, etc.  Ugh.  I have a hard time getting the paper read!

With vacuuming, sweeping, raking outdoors as well as inside housework, I'm exhausted.  I think I need Geritol.

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11 minutes ago, kayc said:

I can't relate to having nothing to do, like I said, I have the opposite problem.  I always have a list going of things I need to get done and it's always deadline for something. This is the busy time of a year for a treasurer, need to spend time on budget setting and then it'll be year end, taxes, etc.  Ugh.  I have a hard time getting the paper read!

With vacuuming, sweeping, raking outdoors as well as inside housework, I'm exhausted.  I think I need Geritol.

Kay, 

I'm not trying to speak for Gwen or the others but it's not that there's nothing to do. We all can fill our days with the mundane type of chores you mentioned. I work five days a week. What we can't seem to do is find things in our lives that are emotionally fulfilling and bring us a measure of real happiness. Those days seemed to have died along with our beloved.

That's the biggest struggle in this new life. Creating the formula that finds an emotional "comfortable and happy place" without the love of our life by our side.

Mitch

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5 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

What we can't seem to do is find things in our lives that are emotionally fulfilling and bring us a measure of real happiness.

Oh that!  I'd forgotten about that.  It's been a long time...

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4 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Kay, 

I'm not trying to speak for Gwen or the others but it's not that there's nothing to do. We all can fill our days with the mundane type of chores you mentioned. I work five days a week. What we can't seem to do is find things in our lives that are emotionally fulfilling and bring us a measure of real happiness. Those days seemed to have died along with our beloved.

That's the biggest struggle in this new life. Creating the formula that finds an emotional "comfortable and happy place" without the love of our life by our side.

Mitch

Me too

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Isn't it sad that a person can get so used to not having that specialness in their life that they can forget what it's like?  That they can learn to live without it?

It's just like...I've learned to live without touch.  A couple of visits ago, I forgot to get a hug from my son.  He's not a hugger by nature so it didn't occur to him.  I got home and realized I'd gone all weekend without touching him.  I called him and told him that I am so used to living without it that I forgot to get a hug.  I told him if I forget again, to please hug me.  This last weekend, he did that.  And yes, I'd forgotten again.  Sad but another part of my existence now.  I've learned not to compare now to back then, but in so doing I don't want to lose sight of the fact that there is more in life than just doing chores or work.

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On 10/12/2017 at 5:44 AM, kayc said:

I've learned not to compare now to back then, but in so doing I don't want to lose sight of the fact that there is more in life than just doing chores or work.

I don't need to compare my "new life" to my life with Tammy because it's painfully obvious how this one sucks. There is no comparison. And that's just it. I had love. Contentment. Pleasure. Comfort. A shoulder to cry on. Companionship. I had intimacy. Truth is, I had a good life that was special because Tammy and I had each other.

There's nothing special about life these days. Unless "especially awful" counts.;)

Having said that, I do try my best. It's just that life before was so much better and it feels like I just tread water these days.

Mitch

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I have nit adjusted to the 'no touch' thing.  I feel the loss of it so intensely.  Skin hunger.  In this just contact.  When I get a good one I don't want to let go.  I getting those quick hugs from people but they are so fast and gone.  The times I felt true caring are like a warming in the cold of my life now.  

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On ‎10‎.‎10‎.‎2017 at 7:05 PM, Cookie said:

I really feel exhausted with all of this too.  Tired of trying to just get through another day.  Tired of the loneliness, which even doing things doesn't completely help because like everyone else what I'm lonely for is my love to care about me and to care about.  Keep hoping time will make this better but am becoming a little hopeless about that.

My dear Cookie!

First of all wanna thank you for responding to my post.It´s gonna be 6 years the next month since my beloved man Jan died.Unbelievable!Isn´t it?Unfortunately I must completely agree with what you wrote in here.As you see I come back more often lately as I find it even harder again.In November it´s gonna be 6 years since he is gone and in December it´ll be 11 years since we met for the first time.At the beginning I was sure it´s the pain as the worst part of grieving.Now I realize it´s the loneliness hurting me the most.

With love Janka

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Janka,

i wush I could print out your above post and put it where I could see it all the time.  I've long ago accepted the grief, but the loneliness. Is still so cold.  One can talk to counselors and people here, but when you are so truly alone day and night without that voice or contact it gets so crippling at times one can feel they are going crazy.   I'm at 3 years and finding this the worst of the loss.  I suppose they are onnevin the same, but I would give anything to talk to him.  To hear his laugh, comments and ideas fir real, not just the memories of how they filled our house with life.  Nothing earth shattering, just 2 people in life and live together.  

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The loneliness is horrible, no doubt. Yet, at least for me... the only way to really fix that is to somehow travel back in time and cure Tammy of all her medical conditions and live happily together forever.  Short of that, no one, no group of people and honestly nothing could ever change the emptiness, loneliness and meaninglessness of life these days. All I can do is accept that this is the life I have for better or worse. It's not a life I wanted or a life I would have ever chosen. Yet here I am. Taking it one day at a time and just trying to keep my head above water without my Tammy. It's not much of a life, but who knows...

Maybe someday, I'll have some sort of epiphany and figure out what I need to do to at least feel some glimmer of happiness. So, I guess in that sense, I do still have hope.

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Steve gave me a small medallion with hope carved in it.  This was when we thought he was clear and asked me to always carry it.  When things turned I threw it across the room and he asked me to always carry it which I do.  Every time I change jeans I see it and wonder.  I know I hope for some lessening of the pain, but that hasn't happened.  I look at it and just see it as almost ridiculous.   But  a promise is a promise so I keep carrying it after 3 years.  

I know we all want to go back and wish we could cure our partners illnesses.  My dream is they never got sick, had accidents or whatever took them away and we would have never had to experience any of the countless stories we have all shared.  

I miss being an optimistic person.  This changes you for life.  

Its wonderful Steve and Cathy found each other.  They can share their pain as well as love again.  It's the sharing I miss most, good and bad.

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17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Janka,

i wush I could print out your above post and put it where I could see it all the time.  I've long ago accepted the grief, but the loneliness. Is still so cold.  One can talk to counselors and people here, but when you are so truly alone day and night without that voice or contact it gets so crippling at times one can feel they are going crazy.   I'm at 3 years and finding this the worst of the loss.  I suppose they are onnevin the same, but I would give anything to talk to him.  To hear his laugh, comments and ideas fir real, not just the memories of how they filled our house with life.  Nothing earth shattering, just 2 people in life and live together.  

Someone mentioned the 1st three years to be the hardest at all.I wasn´t able to believe that.I thought there can´t be any stronger pain than I felt.However as time passes by,I must admit it´s not so unbearable as it used to be then.I don´t think it´s for less pain,it´s just because I had to learn living with the pain each and every day,especially at night being alone.I had no one beside me...no family...no dog...only 70 plush toys of mine sitting on the bed as a company I could talk to...It´s been 6 years the next month and I realize again it has been more than 2100 lonely nights in empty flat by now.Terrible number!How could I have stood all of that so far?It´s hard to believe.I had to be very strong though.Anyhow I´ve survived with the pain in my right hand and the loneliness in my left hand.I must confess there´re still those days when I find it harder...when I feel it hurts more than ever...I still cry for him very much and I know that I´ll never stop...Yet I realize that I can´t change it,so I try to live with what I have now.It´s not much,but I must do it day after day,because it´s not my time yet.I´d give everything to be with him as there´s no real happiness without him...no glimmer of pure joy in my eyes anymore...no one who could take the place of him as he is irreplaceable forever...A few days ago I met my old friend from work and she asked me if I already forgot my beloved man.I was so shocked inside with what she said,but I didn´t want to show it,because I knew there was no bad meaning of that.Anyway I realized there´re many of people who are able to replace anyone of their lives and I was aware how lucky person I really am to met the best man and the greatest love of my life they all can only be dreaming of.This is what helps me go on with smile on my face and hope in my heart,because I was really loved and it´s forever.No one of those people can understand the love we feel for our loved ones,dear Gwen,because they never felt the way we do.I hope it may give you a little comfort now.I always repeat it again and again,when I feel hopeless like that.

With love Janka

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Fot those around us who don´t understand how hard
it´s gonna be for all of us this Christmas once again.

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