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Some nights are lonelier than others


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On ‎10‎/‎12‎/‎2017 at 11:26 PM, Janka said:

My dear Cookie!

First of all wanna thank you for responding to my post.It´s gonna be 6 years the next month since my beloved man Jan died.Unbelievable!Isn´t it?Unfortunately I must completely agree with what you wrote in here.As you see I come back more often lately as I find it even harder again.In November it´s gonna be 6 years since he is gone and in December it´ll be 11 years since we met for the first time.At the beginning I was sure it´s the pain as the worst part of grieving.Now I realize it´s the loneliness hurting me the most.

With love Janka

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Janka:  Yes, the loneliness is so difficult, partly because it's a loneliness for a particular person you can never have back.  I have people I hang out with, talk with, do things with, but am still paralyzed by missing John, and I don't think six years is very long considering what you lost.  My heart goes out to you and all of us in this situation.  I had an epiphany today...it was that what I am doing is learning to live with this but feel like I will never be at peace with it.  Everyone wants to know if I'm "getting better."  I gave up trying to explain.....hugs to you

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On ‎10‎/‎12‎/‎2017 at 5:44 AM, kayc said:

Isn't it sad that a person can get so used to not having that specialness in their life that they can forget what it's like?  That they can learn to live without it?

It's just like...I've learned to live without touch.  A couple of visits ago, I forgot to get a hug from my son.  He's not a hugger by nature so it didn't occur to him.  I got home and realized I'd gone all weekend without touching him.  I called him and told him that I am so used to living without it that I forgot to get a hug.  I told him if I forget again, to please hug me.  This last weekend, he did that.  And yes, I'd forgotten again.  Sad but another part of my existence now.  I've learned not to compare now to back then, but in so doing I don't want to lose sight of the fact that there is more in life than just doing chores or work.

Kayc:  This is such a dilemma for me too.  I was thinking the other day that it's been 2 1/2 years since I've kissed a man; the last time was when I kissed John's cold, stiff lips after he died.  So sad to me, and, yes, it scares me to think of living the rest of my life without all the physical closeness and so missing it with that special person.  How do you learn to live with it?  Sadly, Cookie

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It's so strange how we become not really used to no touch, but we suddenly realize how long it has been.  I've had that happen several times.  There's hugs along the way, but not the ones I had with Steve.  I'm beginning to truly relish when I get human contact now.  It makes me feel I am still here, not some kind of ghost.  I willl say I have a very hard time watching TV or movies with 'romantic' encounters.  I was watching a couple today say goodbye and how he strokes her hair, touched her arm and lightly  kissed her.  They parted with that feeling, I am sure, of mattering to someone unconsciously.  Knowing they will be together again soon.  Meanwhile I'm trying to decide on what to buy from the take out joint to bring home for my usual solitary night.  I remember being them and took it for granted.  I must have stared at the menu board for 10 minutes as food suddenly became unappealing.  I liked that couple's menu better, one choice was all it had and needed.

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14 hours ago, Cookie said:

How do you learn to live with it?

It's not something we attempt or "do", it just happens with the passage of time and no physical contact.  :( 

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You're right, Kay.  But it really messes with your mental state of mind as the time passes.  I don't like that I find it almost startling now if someone touches me and I don't see it coming.  It was so natural to have that be a part of life.  An essential one too.  

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I will always miss that type of touch, I know....I can sometimes conjure up what it used to feel like to be touched by John, lasts a minute and then it's gone.  Although it makes me so sad, it like the few seconds of what it used to feel like.  I get hugs too from people I know and such, but it's definitely not the same as the touch from your lover, friend, special person. 

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On ‎10‎/‎28‎/‎2017 at 9:31 AM, kayc said:

It's not something we attempt or "do", it just happens with the passage of time and no physical contact.  :( 

I guess I meant I wonder if it's possible to come to some peace about it.  I know that would be different for everyone.  I guess it will be like living with a bad back, it hurts but you just go about your business and get through each day......

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That's a pretty good analogy.

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19 hours ago, Cookie said:

I guess it will be like living with a bad back, it hurts but you just go about your business and get through each day......

 Well said Cookie...

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         Amen!

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