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The End of the World


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I just realized that this very old song expresses how I feel

https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ninagordon/theendoftheworld.html

I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything's the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does

How can I go on doing the things I always did and trying to have a new life when Susan, who was my whole world, strong and full of life and love and future plans, passed away in about 10 minutes with no warning or preparation? Isn't it more likely that the full horror of what happened has not  hit me yet, and when it does I'll be non functional?

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Quite the timing you asked that question about being hit  with the reality of it, Tom.   Although I am facing 3 years in less than 2 weeks, I was wondering if something was wrong with me because it feels so much worse now.  I talked to my counselor about it and he said that timing and events are different for everyone.  He had some clients it took 5 years before it truly hit them.  He calls it acute grief that people assume we experience at the time if the death, but it's very different.  That is more shock and disbelief.

The last 3 years were certainly hard, full of grief and all that comes with it.  Is year, tho, I feel truly beaten down to the point of what is the purpose of going on.   He will never be back.  I will die alone. In between I have no one to share the time I have.  I wake every day with thoughts and plans and no one to share them with.    I've handled small and major things on my own so I know I am capable.  But this year some events happened that held a magnifying glass to the reality and I cannot look away.  It's finally become real.  Part is taking no pleasure of accomplishment for what I do.  It's all just a pain in the ass now.  It can be as small as little chore we shared or as large as getting a call after all this time from someplace that didn't know he had died.  

Now the changes around me have a big impact.  Not that I thought there was, but I see so clearly there is no going back and the road ahead of me.  It's what has been talked about in other topics. Assumptions we are 'better' with the knowledge.  We are more adapted to doing for ourself because we have no other choice.  Maybe it is that choice that is missing that is a big trigger.  Without getting profoundly detailed about things that happened to me this year, what I can say from many sessions with my counselor is that in voicing them  I am understanding why this feels like the first year of ultimate true reality.  One hugely significant change and then the constant little ones are taking a toll.  Time is irrelevant.  This is my time of painfully acute grief.  All it has done is reset the clock and this is my first year I see the truth of it.  No books, platitudes or anything can ease my soul and heart.  Timing is hard because talking with people is far past their understanding of the permanence of this so it becomes more isolating.  They've 'heard it all before' kinda thing.  

While  I absolutely hate how intense this is, at least I know I am not going crazy.  Well, in some ways yes, but in keeping with what I am dealing with.  I have no interest in life right now.  Medical issues are info gathering only to me to decide what is worth pursuing with so little motivation.  They (whoever they are) say do it for yourself.  Easy to say if you had a love of life.  The redundancy of days upon days in this new life I never wanted have beaten me down.  I've missed all the things we do, his voice, his presence, his lifeforce for so long.  Do you ever get used to a lifeless house after 30 plus years?  I don't know, sure can't see it now.  He has been replaced with an iPad to fill my hours at night.  Hardly warm and cozy.  I don't read articles on grief anymore.  I am a veteran yet a newbie.  I have found no answers.  I don't have that belief I will see him again which makes it harder.  If I'm wrong, great, but I have to live in this world now watching life go on and often in happy ways for others.  I'm functional.  Like a robot.  I've become a good little widow in the eyes of the world.  I keep it to myself.  A big thing I have noticed is no one really asks how I am doing about this.  I wish someone would sincerely so I could have a good cry and not be alone doing so.  

Now I go out and do 'normal' things like shopping and then come home to this wonderful home we made that feels lifeless.  Where is that guy who helped me unload or had a smile and signs of life within?  I don't count the dogs because they have adapted as animals do.

Sorry for the novel.  Your post just brought everything I struggle with to the surface.    

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5 hours ago, TomPB said:

I just realized that this very old song expresses how I feel

https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ninagordon/theendoftheworld.html

I wake up in the morning and I wonder
Why everything's the same as it was
I can't understand, no, I can't understand
How life goes on the way it does

How can I go on doing the things I always did and trying to have a new life when Susan, who was my whole world, strong and full of life and love and future plans, passed away in about 10 minutes with no warning or preparation? Isn't it more likely that the full horror of what happened has not  hit me yet, and when it does I'll be non functional?

TomPB,

I went through these thoughts and feelings at about the same time.. Grief is not linear. I found my life drastically changed whether I wanted it to or not.  Losing my identity, husband,best friend, mate, caregiver, etc... It didn't seem to affect other people as much as it has my life... a tearing of the heart and soul.   As I continue on this grief journey, I also discovered some tools that helped me deal with this new and changed lifestyle.

I still don't like it but I know I don't have the power to change it.  Gradually, after sharing this pain heartache and grief, it somehow helps to get it out of my head.  I have learned many things along this grief journey as you will to.  There is a reason and purpose to all of this but I don't know what it is for you. My prayer is that you will find you path through the grief. You are welcome to read my earlier posts.  I don't know if they will even make sense.  I hope it helps someone else in this grief journey. - Shalom, George

 

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19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Quite the timing you asked that question about being hit  with the reality of it, Tom.   Although I am facing 3 years in less than 2 weeks, I was wondering if something was wrong with me because it feels so much worse now.  I talked to my counselor about it and he said that timing and events are different for everyone.  He had some clients it took 5 years before it truly hit them.  He calls it acute grief that people assume we experience at the time if the death, but it's very different.  That is more shock and disbelief.

The last 3 years were certainly hard, full of grief and all that comes with it.  Is year, tho, I feel truly beaten down to the point of what is the purpose of going on.   He will never be back.  I will die alone. In between I have no one to share the time I have.  I wake every day with thoughts and plans and no one to share them with.    I've handled small and major things on my own so I know I am capable.  But this year some events happened that held a magnifying glass to the reality and I cannot look away.  It's finally become real.  Part is taking no pleasure of accomplishment for what I do.  It's all just a pain in the ass now.  It can be as small as little chore we shared or as large as getting a call after all this time from someplace that didn't know he had died.  

Now the changes around me have a big impact.  Not that I thought there was, but I see so clearly there is no going back and the road ahead of me.  It's what has been talked about in other topics. Assumptions we are 'better' with the knowledge.  We are more adapted to doing for ourself because we have no other choice.  Maybe it is that choice that is missing that is a big trigger.  Without getting profoundly detailed about things that happened to me this year, what I can say from many sessions with my counselor is that in voicing them  I am understanding why this feels like the first year of ultimate true reality.  One hugely significant change and then the constant little ones are taking a toll.  Time is irrelevant.  This is my time of painfully acute grief.  All it has done is reset the clock and this is my first year I see the truth of it.  No books, platitudes or anything can ease my soul and heart.  Timing is hard because talking with people is far past their understanding of the permanence of this so it becomes more isolating.  They've 'heard it all before' kinda thing.  

While  I absolutely hate how intense this is, at least I know I am not going crazy.  Well, in some ways yes, but in keeping with what I am dealing with.  I have no interest in life right now.  Medical issues are info gathering only to me to decide what is worth pursuing with so little motivation.  They (whoever they are) say do it for yourself.  Easy to say if you had a love of life.  The redundancy of days upon days in this new life I never wanted have beaten me down.  I've missed all the things we do, his voice, his presence, his lifeforce for so long.  Do you ever get used to a lifeless house after 30 plus years?  I don't know, sure can't see it now.  He has been replaced with an iPad to fill my hours at night.  Hardly warm and cozy.  I don't read articles on grief anymore.  I am a veteran yet a newbie.  I have found no answers.  I don't have that belief I will see him again which makes it harder.  If I'm wrong, great, but I have to live in this world now watching life go on and often in happy ways for others.  I'm functional.  Like a robot.  I've become a good little widow in the eyes of the world.  I keep it to myself.  A big thing I have noticed is no one really asks how I am doing about this.  I wish someone would sincerely so I could have a good cry and not be alone doing so.  

Now I go out and do 'normal' things like shopping and then come home to this wonderful home we made that feels lifeless.  Where is that guy who helped me unload or had a smile and signs of life within?  I don't count the dogs because they have adapted as animals do.

Sorry for the novel.  Your post just brought everything I struggle with to the surface.    

So very, very sorry. I can so relate to what you are going thru "but" just eleven months for me. I wake up and think darn I woke up, then  i think well I woke up and didnt have a stroke and couldnt care for myself. It is a toss up!

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Thanks for the replies and Gwen, novelize all you want, please. Totally relate.

As I said, I frequently have the thought that this putting one foot in front of the other without Susan can't last. There must be a bomb in my head waiting too go off. I've somehow dodged the full horrible impact of her unexpected death, but it will hit me at some point. I'll be curled up on the floor or staring off a ledge.

EVERYTHING brings memories. It's a beautiful fall day and all I see is the days like this long ago when we first came to Boston, inseparable then as we remained till 3/31/17. But I'm having a coffee at our favorite coffee place and going sailing, our favorite recreation, with friends tomorrow. It's like I'm coasting on autopilot. Can this really last?

I have a grief counselor and a non-specialist shrink. I've run this past both of them several times and they say they don't think there is a time bomb in my head. 

 

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Tom, the old song that hits me hard is one by The Seekers, I Know I'll Never Find Another You.

You're right in that EVERYTHING triggers memories. And sadness. I heard the song in the car this afternoon. From the song:

There is always someone
For each of us, they say
And you'll be my someone
Forever and a day
I could search the whole world over
Until my life is through
But I know I'll never find another you.

I loved her over 30 years ago, and lost her. I found her again last year, and lost her again.

Dana, I'll never find another you.

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Dave, your post perfectly illustrates why I get so annoyed when told I may find someone else.  I do know it happens for some, but after 40 years of this man in my life even before we were married and with other people but kept being drawn together, it was a once in a lifetime deal.  I truly cannot imagine anyone that would fit with who I have become.  The way I feel it in my heart is I am more in love with him now. I didn't know that could happen.  I thought death would freeze where we parted but it intensified.

It's surely different for us all.  But I think we all can feel in our hearts what our futures will be.  It's been almost 3 years and while I crave the companionship, it has to be him.  I've run into other men that I find soothing, but we would never fit right.  But they are great for hugs!

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49 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Dave, your post perfectly illustrates why I get so annoyed when told I may find someone else.  I do know it happens for some, but after 40 years of this man in my life even before we were married and with other people but kept being drawn together, it was a once in a lifetime deal.  I truly cannot imagine anyone that would fit with I have become.  The way I feel it in my heart is if I am more in love with him now. I didn't know that could happen.  I thought death would freeze where we parted but it intensified.

It's surely different for us all.  But I think we all can feel in our hearts what our futures will be.  It's been almost 3 years and while I crave the companionship, it has to be him.  I've run into other men that I find soothing, but we would never fit right.  But they are great for hugs!

Dear Gwen!

This is true!It´s been 6 years for me the next month and I haven´t kissed,touched or made love with anybody else since he died.Unbelievable,isn´t it?However that´s the way it is by now.Your post reminds me,it doesn´t matter how much time it is,the love of my life is the one,only him!

Janka

Vrabcek.08022009179.jpg.8482fe008804687ad2f55176b1b0f8d4.jpg

My angel Jan...

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Janka, the word love and its many forms is tossed around a lot.  There were several times I thought I was in love and I was as I understood it at the time.  I was young and wanted to experience all I could.  Most were really lust and that served its purpose. We learn from every experience.  Steve and I began in lust, but there was always something under the surface and slowly it began to happen.  We became friends and found we shared almost the same feelings about our deepest interests.  Even when I married the first time I knew I loved Steve more than my fiancé.  I knew it wouldn't last but got caught up in the bling of it.  My ex finally sensed it and asked if it was Steve and I had to tell the truth.  Steve was discontent in his marriage and it grew as we grew to know each other.  I truly thought he would, being a free spirit, after getting divorced be around but never commit to me and had no expectations of that.  Just any time I could have.  Suddenly decades passed.  So at almost 62, I know that won't  happen again.  All I wanted to do is have our story continue longer.  The final chapter farther down the road.   I was 58 when he died and we had become as bonded as two people could.  They say never say never, but short of his returning, I feel I know how this will play out.   

 

 

 

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17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

The way I feel it in my heart is I am more in love with him now.

That is how I feel too...maybe because I realize all the more how rare and special he was...I knew it then, but I see it even more so now.  I was just so lucky.

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Susan and I were as bonded as two people can be. Susan didn't just say "I love you", she was creative. For example, last Valentine's day she knitted me a heart. For one of my birthdays she cooked a meal that had been described in a book we had read together. I had this kind of affection for 48 years, in addition to so many other things I could write a book, and it is overwhelming to try to adjust to living without it. I know more than ever how lucky I was but at this point I mainly feel the pain of the loss. IT HURTS SO MUCH to be without her.

Nevertheless I'm so lonely that I can't help thinking about having another partner at some point. No idea if I could or will want to. I think Susan might wish it.

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2 hours ago, kayc said:

That is how I feel too...maybe because I realize all the more how rare and special he was...I knew it then, but I see it even more so now.  I was just so lucky.

My boyfriend was a gift from God, a sign from His Grace in my life. It lasted too short, but I experienced it as such. He was the best thing I had in my life. I understand I may never have any kind again. 

Am I idealizing him????????

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While it may be human nature to idealize someone we have loved and lost, Ana, you might also look at it this way: You have found and experienced what true love is ~ so that, should such love ever come into your life again, you will recognize it. You know what it looks like and how it is supposed to feel. You have learned what true love is ~ and certainly it is possible that, if you are open to it, you could find it once again. Our Steve and Patty are just one example. Neither of them ever dreamed that they could ~ or even wanted to ~ find true love again, but they did. It CAN happen, it DOES happen, and it's usually when we least expect it and aren't out there actively looking for it.

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22 hours ago, TomPB said:

Susan and I were as bonded as two people can be. Susan didn't just say "I love you", she was creative. For example, last Valentine's day she knitted me a heart. For one of my birthdays she cooked a meal that had been described in a book we had read together. I had this kind of affection for 48 years, in addition to so many other things I could write a book, and it is overwhelming to try to adjust to living without it. I know more than ever how lucky I was but at this point I mainly feel the pain of the loss. IT HURTS SO MUCH to be without her.

Nevertheless I'm so lonely that I can't help thinking about having another partner at some point. No idea if I could or will want to. I think Susan might wish it.

Tom,

You had a gold mine.  And if you could have any portion of that again, I would wish it for you.  What a special woman, your Susan!

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21 hours ago, scba said:

My boyfriend was a gift from God, a sign from His Grace in my life. It lasted too short, but I experienced it as such. He was the best thing I had in my life. I understand I may never have any kind again. 

Am I idealizing him????????

I don't think it's idealizing to recognize their wonderful qualities.  I see George as a whole person, strengths, weaknesses, all of it.  We went together so well, balanced each other, were good for each other.  That's not idealizing, it's not putting him up on a pedestal.  I see him realistically and I take the whole of the man and love him, all of him.

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