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My boyfriend lost his mum and grandparents and broke up with me


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Hi everybody, I've been reading through the posts and thought about sharing my story. I met my boyfriend 4 months ago, it was young, Yes, I know, but there was such a good connection between us. We spent a lot of time together, we went out with his friends or mine, he wanted me to meet his parents, we were getting really close, we never had an argument. We went on holiday for a week and had a lovely time, the day we came back he took me to lunch at his parents for the first time (I had declined the first times he asked because I thought it was early). The following day he went to Japan, he was supposed to be there for two weeks, but 5 days into his trip his mother was rushed to the hospital, had a heart attack and went into a coma; he asked me to help him find a ticket to fly back but his relatives told him to wait. Two days later his mother died. At the hospital they realized she was poisoned by a chemical element, and so was the rest of his family: his father, his aunt and his grandparents. His father and aunt are still in the hospital but they are getting better; his grandparents died within a week. After his mother died I bought him a ticket for two days later (he asked me to, he chose the day). When he came back I went to pick him up at the airport and stood by him the whole time, to the hospital (we had to have bloodwork done because we had lunch with them the previous week and they did not know when and how the intoxication took place), we had to go to the Police to talk with them (the investigations are still ongoing but they are not going anywhere) and I was with him the whole time, I was with him at the wake, at the funeral, we went out sometimes with friends and sometimes alone. His way to cope was to pretend he was fine, he did not open up about his feelings; still, the cracks were there. He slept an awful lot, he was edgy and tense, colder and withdrawn, the sex was basically non-existent. Then, after a couple of weeks since his rerum, he broke up with me. He did it with a text on whatsapp, which I was appalled by. He said  he did not feel in love as he would have liked to be and that he felt I uncomfortable, nervous and almost guilty. So he broke up with me. He was quite brutal, and cold, almost business-like. I know, I feel, that this has all to do with his grief and that we were not strong enough as a couple to survive this. So I'm not asking you for advice, I'm not asking for reassurance about his possible comeback, I know he won't come back. When he will be ready he will likely fall in love with someone else, even if he was so happy with me, even if his friends had not seen him like he was with me for a long time. We had our chance, and tragedy took it away from us. Sometimes things go wrong and we just have to accept this. Thanks for reading my story.

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Hi, I'm glad you caught me before I left for a couple of days, I'll be offline so am glad I have a chance to respond first.

I'm very sorry for what you''re going through...been there.  :(  Your poor BF, he's been through so much, I can't imagine so many losses at once!  As you've already seen if you've been reading here, this is a common grief response, although not everyone responds this way...a certain segment of people feel they can't do a relationship at the same time as they're grieving.  In his case he still has his father and aunt fighting for their lives.  In my case, my fiance of one year broke up with me by FedEx, it came to my office so I wasn't even afforded the luxury of dealing with it privately.  Very humiliating, and I was totally blindsided and heartbroken.  
In these situations it's best not to talk relationship talk with them because it causes them to feel more pressure which they can't handle, but you're saying you don't want advice so I'll leave it with that.  There is no way of knowing when he'll be ready for a relationship because everyone is unique and so is his situation.  He has a lot to get used to.  In my situation I considered him worth having as a friend even without the relationship and after a few months break we resumed contact and are friends today these seven years later.  He has not dated since, neither have I, but we are older and that factors in, plus it hurt my ability to trust...and it hurt his ability to trust himself.  He felt if he could do this to me he couldn't trust himself not to hurt someone else if things went wrong in life, and since none of us have guarantees...

I'm glad you realize it is the situation and not you personally.  My personal feelings are that I wouldn't want to be with someone if they could just up and ditch me just like that, I want someone who loves me through thick and thin, and wants to go through life together...or not at all.  I've pretty much chosen the not at all because I had the right person once and he died, I just haven't ever met anyone else that loved me like that or vice versa.

My only advice in moving forward to aid you in getting over this is keep busy, work on yourself, spend time with family and friends, a good time to join a gym or take up a class.  It took me a few months but we do get over even this.  I know how painful this is.  It is good to work on forgiving him so it doesn't affect who you are, we do it for ourselves more than anyone as they often don't even realize it.

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I know.  In the end I am glad things worked out the way they did for us but I do miss him, he has the most terrific sense of humor and was very intelligent, good values, I enjoyed his company.  But his Asperger's might have drove me nuts.  Still, he is a worthwhile person I'm glad I'm friends with.  And he took care of me last year when I had eye surgery.  ;)  You may feel more like resuming as friends later on down the road after you've had a chance to get over him, but you may not either, time will tell.  Just do what's best for YOU.  You need to be #1 in your life.  :)

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  • 1 month later...

Just an horrible update... After 2 months of investigations, they found out that it was my ex boyfriend's cousin that poisoned the family and he's been arrested. I'm no longer in contact with my ex because he shut me off but my heart is breaking for him and the pain he must be feeling 😔

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Pixie, wow, that's got to be very hard.  Prayers for all concerned.

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