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Girlfriend lost mother, i'm losing her


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Hello, I will start my story first with a background of my history.  I had a rough childhood, mother was addicted to cocaine then crack which led to aids. My father was a vietnam vet who became an alcoholic and spent most of my childhood in prison due to DWI's.  Both parents have passed away and strangely it did not affect me at all.  My uncle who is a cardiologist and my aunt a nurse help guide me as a child and i turned out pretty well.  Im 39 never married, been in love 3 times, i have however been with a few hundred women and only loved 3.  The first 2 loves dumped me and it was completely devastating.  I am now with the 3rd girl i have ever loved.  We met about 2 years ago and it was fireworks.  Its so nice when you actually like someone so much and its mutual.  The fireworks of course ended when her mother passed.  No need to go into details, you guys have heard them all by now.  The first week after her mother passed i was the only person she wanted around, she shut everyone out.  All her friends were texting me wanting to help and she wanted nothing to do with them.  I would tell her "hey your friends want to let you know they are here for you" she would exclaim " i have everyone here i need right now!!!" meaning me.  I was so glad i was the one she needed and could not imagine being one of the ones she shut out.  So, before her mother passed we planned a trip to costa rica, after debating going she said her mother would have wanted to her to go and so we went.  Had a good time, she did have her ups and downs but the place is beautiful and we soaked it up.  We were still doing well at this point, she would be a little distant at times but i understood.  Now 3 months afterwards she has now become completely distant from me as the grief is in full force now.  We would go weeks without talking only using snap chat as means of communication.  I wanted to give her the space she needs but its so hard, i have so many thoughts that go through my head, is she seeing someone else, did she lose interest in me.  I ask so many different people for advice and most guys are like "thats weird, she shouldn't treat a man like that, she should want you there for her if she is hurting" and she must be seeing someone else.  So i go through all kinds of ups and downs.  Its been so hard, i don't eat, it is affecting my work, the feelings of her leaving me are devastating to me.  She stopped telling me that she loves me, no longer uses our pet names like BOO, BABY, actually called me by my name which was strange.  She is a horrible communicator but i knew this going into the relationship.  My birthday was 2 days ago and i thought for sure she would set something up, nope, i got the typical happy bday text in the morn, a phone call later in day, and that was it, no dinner plans, nothing. So in the phone call i put her on the spot and asked "what are we cause i dont know anymore" she said she doesn't even know who she is anymore, said she was in the twilight zone, and just focusing on her kids tryin to get thru each day. I then said i understand and i backed off the relationship talk, i said thank you and explained all the negative thoughts i was having because she leaves me in the dark, she said she was sorry and i then shifted the conversation to a more understanding convo.  I said im here for you, what you are going thru is normal, let me know when you want to see me, im not needy but give me just a little sometimes just so i know we still have something.  I felt so much better after having this talk.  Then i found this website and it was a God send.  Gave me a whole new perspective.  I now don't take her cold shoulder personal.  So i think we may have had a breakthrough, i met up with her two nights ago after the Astros won game 6 WHOOP!!!  We met at her house and it was like fireworks all over again, i spent the night and next day i helped her around the house, mowed, picked up, got her breakfast.  And wouldn't you know she called me BABY again!!!  Im now ok with giving her space because i understand why.  I am spending more time with my friends and thinking of getting back in the gym.  Her sister told me that she doesn't have time to grieve and hurt me, so i think she just wants me to do my own thing for awhile and not depend on her for happiness right now.  So thats where i am now, this website has saved my sanity. 

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I am so glad you found this place too.  When I went through it eight years ago, there wasn't anyone pointing the way for me so I didn't know NO relationship talk!  It makes them feel pressure and can tip them over the edge.  Something as simple as asking to be there for them is seen as pressure from them. 

I truly hope all works out for you both and you have a happy ending to this story.  Not everyone does respond this way but there is a significant number that do.

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Reflecting back on my birthday weekend really starts to make me think things are not as good as i had hoped.  All that i have put in this relationship and all i get is a phone call and a few snap chat happy bday.  No attempt to make plans, not even a card! nothing.  Since seeing each other friday night, our communication has picked up, but it feels more friendly than anything, like im communicating with my sister or something. I miss her being interested in me, now i really just feel like im only here to keep her from feeling completely lonely.  I went out with my buddy sunday night to play darts and i met another girl.  I invited her to play darts and we hit it off, it felt really good to get this kind of attention again.  I would never have done this had i not felt neglected.  Im not pursuing this new girl, yet, but it just felt good.  Is this cheating? Im confused.  I want my girlfriend back, my friend showed me text messages of how his girlfriend communicates with him and its how mine used to communicate with me, showed interest. i miss that. So today i think im going to start giving my girlfriend the cold shoulder, i will respond, just with one word responses.  Feeling neglected and a little used right now. Heading to the gym now.  Thanks for reading.  Feels good to vent.

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You need to understand she doesn't HAVE anything in her to give right now.  Try not to read too much into it, it could go either way from here, try not to appear needy to her and drive her over the edge.  It hasn't been that long and already you're seeking someone else?  Sounding like childish games.  Try to have more empathy.  If YOU want to move on, do so, but be up front and honest with her so she knows not to expect anything from you.

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I don't want to play games, you're right, i just want to do whatever it takes to get her back.  Im not seeking anyone else it just felt good to get that attention, not really sure how to explain it.  This is just really tough, i go through emotional waves, up and downs, I almost want her to feel she could lose me "like getting hit over the head with a frying pan" and try to wake her up.  I also don't want to seem like a push over and that she can just run all over me, and i'm just here at her beck and call. Isn't that a turn off?  So maybe giving her the cold shoulder is the wrong way to go about it, i just want to come off like i'm really busy and happy.  right?  Keep it friendly? 

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I thought about what you said about showing empathy and that is what ive been doing from day one.  Days like today are hard because she has been totally silent. This is when it gets rough. My thoughts wander. My friends dont help the situation any because they say i need to leave her and how she is doing me wrong. They just don’t understand grief.  When she goes silent i start to really worry, should i reach out, isn’t she thinking about me, i worry if i give too much space that it could become the new normal. We don’t even talk on the phone, its all snap chat and text.  I get so many mixed signals. The best thing that has happened is finding this website, im learning.  This is all new to me. I dont want to lose her. 

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Well, I am very glad you landed here too. Grieving a loved one is hard, and it has many ripple affects. FWIW, I think you are helping her immensely by understanding her pain and being there when she needs you to be (and away when she needs you to be). I can tell by what you wrote that it is tremendously hard for you because of the not knowing...but, it sounds like you can see she still cares about you. Have you considered maybe talking to a pastor or a counselor to see how you might be able to help her while still giving her the space she needs to grieve? This may help ease your concerns as well. I am praying for peace in your heart and peace in her heart as well while she grieves the loss of her mom.

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18 hours ago, fisherman said:

I don't want to play games, you're right, i just want to do whatever it takes to get her back.  Im not seeking anyone else it just felt good to get that attention, not really sure how to explain it.  This is just really tough, i go through emotional waves, up and downs, I almost want her to feel she could lose me "like getting hit over the head with a frying pan" and try to wake her up.  I also don't want to seem like a push over and that she can just run all over me, and i'm just here at her beck and call. Isn't that a turn off?  So maybe giving her the cold shoulder is the wrong way to go about it, i just want to come off like i'm really busy and happy.  right?  Keep it friendly? 

I don't think that's what she's doing.  Have you read the other threads in this section?  How she's responding is how many respond in grief.  They have feelings for the people they love, yes, but they don't have it in them to contribute anything towards a relationship while they're heavily grieving.  Period.  It's not about you, right now it's about her.  If you want to make it about you, you're best going on your way then.  Sure it feels good to have attention, but this hasn't been that long, that's showing signs of neediness, the very thing she can't handle right now.
Right now would be a good time to focus on working on yourself, taking classes, spending time with friends, going to the gym, seeing family, etc.  When my fiance broke up with me when his mom was dying and he was caregiving 24/7, my house got very clean!!  I visited family, I kept busy.  We had several months apart and when he made contact with me after her death, I was there for him as a friend.  He felt he couldn't trust himself not to hurt me or someone else again should something happen, and he hasn't pursued a relationship since.  Likewise, my trust has been broken and I haven't pursued a relationship with anyone since...it's been over eight years now.  You are younger, of course you don't want to go the rest of your life alone.  If you don't feel you can wait to see how things will go, that's understandable and a decision only you can make, but be up front with her ahead of time if that's the case.  There are lots of articles here, it might be good to explore this site.  It's important to respect her wishes and then YOU decide what is best for YOU. 

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/grief-understanding-process.html

And this one wasn't due to grief so much as trying to give that relationship a chance when broken up:
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/250552-reconciliation-list 
and https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-back-out-there/201605/5-things-do-heal-your-grief-when-relationship-ends

I do know how hard this is, I've been through it.  I made mistakes, I wish there had been all these threads when I went through it so I could have avoided some of those mistakes.  I'm sorry yet another person is going through this...YOU are grieving the relationship as you knew it, and it's damned hard, I know it!

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16 hours ago, fisherman said:

 I get so many mixed signals.

I did too, only after we resumed talking, after his mom died.  It was jacking me around emotionally and I finally did what I needed to do for me and steeled myself to not be swayed by his every wind of emotion, to REALIZE he didn't know his own mind and to let it all go in one ear and out the other for my own sanity.  In the end, we became very good friends and still are, he is someone I care very much about, and vice versa.  Maybe this was how it was meant to turn out.  I just know that what he went through did alter our course and I had to accept it.  Not everyone ends the same though and I always hope there'll be a happy ending for those going through this very confusing time.  I knew I couldn't control the outcome, I couldn't sway him, so I had to do what was ultimately best for myself.  I had to accept what was.

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The one thing i know from this is im learning a lot about myself.  Realizing just how needy i am and how much up her butt ive been.  Its funny when i fall in love it seems i let the rest of my life go and get tunnel vision on her. This “space” has made me take a step back and see that. So if we work out, im not making that mistake again, i will keep making “guy time” go fishing, visit family more etc... I totally stopped all of this for her.  After writing my previous post Im realizing the error in my ways, just something about writing and knowing others are reading it does this for me, interesting. Such great advice here too, other people i talk to just don’t get it. So after a silent day yesterday, out of no where last night BOOM she starts messaging me about the astros game, so we kept up with the game with each other thru messages.  Giving her healthy space I believe is just what the Doctor ordered for this relationship to make it, i just need to survive those rough times and battle thru them, thats when i come back here and read to get strength. So just what is giving space? Can i ever initiate a convo? Or do I wait for her to always start the conversation? Thanks again for y’alls time. Very much appreciated.  

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2 hours ago, fisherman said:

So just what is giving space? Can i ever initiate a convo? Or do I wait for her to always start the conversation?

It's not so much "giving space" as it is holding space for a person in mourning, as in being present for her in her grief. You may find this article helpful, my friend: The Sweetness of Holding Space for Another

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20 hours ago, fisherman said:

The one thing i know from this is im learning a lot about myself.  Realizing just how needy i am and how much up her butt ive been.  Its funny when i fall in love it seems i let the rest of my life go and get tunnel vision on her. This “space” has made me take a step back and see that. So if we work out, im not making that mistake again, i will keep making “guy time” go fishing, visit family more etc... I totally stopped all of this for her.  After writing my previous post Im realizing the error in my ways, just something about writing and knowing others are reading it does this for me, interesting. Such great advice here too, other people i talk to just don’t get it. So after a silent day yesterday, out of no where last night BOOM she starts messaging me about the astros game, so we kept up with the game with each other thru messages.  Giving her healthy space I believe is just what the Doctor ordered for this relationship to make it, i just need to survive those rough times and battle thru them, thats when i come back here and read to get strength. So just what is giving space? Can i ever initiate a convo? Or do I wait for her to always start the conversation? Thanks again for y’alls time. Very much appreciated.  

I tried to let him set the pace.  I tell you, people who are grieving can be very thin skinned and sensitive and almost everything we say and do can be construed as pressure or taken wrong.  It's hard being there for a griever.  I say this having been on both sides of it.  It's always good to not lose yourself in a relationship, don't avoid your family and friends because you're in one, a lot of people do that.  A while back my son explained to his wife that he has other relationships in his life besides her, some of which go back many more years than they do...she has a habit of putting pressure on him to come back home as soon as he's with someone else, including me.  It's taken him six years to have this conversation.  We all need others in our lives and if we narrow the field too much, and something happens to that one person we've wrapped our lives up in, then what?  I've seen it happen time and again, and the person left is lost.  

Marty's article on the subject is perfect on holding space for someone.  It's not about possessiveness, it's being there for them, whether in their presence, or apart physically.  

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I was doing really well with everything and i feel like i took 2 steps backwards last night. I have been doing really well with the "no relationship talk" no i miss u, showing her i do have a life! I could feel her coming back to me.   She invited me over friday evening, but i declined because i already made plans to watch the baseball game with friends. This is part of the new me, she isn't used to that, normally i would have been over in a flash.  I took her up on the invite the next day and her mood was so good when i got there i just loved it.  She was flirty, i could tell she missed me.  She wanted me to stay the night, go to her sons baseball game the next day, everything just felt like normal again.  Until!!  Trick or treat comes around.  She didn't invite me.  This really hurt my feelings and after a couple of beers i felt bold enough to tell her it hurt my feelings and i said it actually made me a little mad.  I reminded her of how much fun we all had last halloween.  Well, she responded and told me it was her dads birthday and  he was all alone, and she was having trouble with her sons father.  Anyways now it all feels wrong again, i feel like i pushed her away again just when she was coming back to me. Our communication was picking up and now today its flat, dead.  Not sure how to recover from this, or even if i was in the wrong for expressing how something made me feel. 

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15 hours ago, fisherman said:

showing her i do have a life!

It's not about "showing her", it's about having one, living it.

15 hours ago, fisherman said:

This really hurt my feelings and after a couple of beers i felt bold enough to tell her it hurt my feelings and i said it actually made me a little mad.

How well did this go over?

15 hours ago, fisherman said:

Well, she responded and told me it was her dads birthday and  he was all alone, and she was having trouble with her sons father.

Instead of jumping to conclusions, it might have been better to ASK if she minded if you were with her, that would have given her a chance to respond/explain.
You can't go back and redo, but hopefully learn something in the process.
Normally in a relationship you don't have to walk on eggshells with everything, but quite frankly, when one is grieving, they're ultra-sensitive...thus the relationship can be tenuous.

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