Devastated

[Vanush]

Years ago, I met this girl. We shared an incredible romance. We lived close, it was all going to be so easy. We dated for 4 years.

However, things changed this year. 2 friends of hers was less than pleasant to me. This continued to be an issue as they would constantly be around my gf, and be rude towards me, but in such a way that my gf had no awareness. I felt so awkward and on edge around them, and it affected the time we spent together. My gf could understand but wanted me just to get over it. I wanted her to and suggested she speak with these friends. My girlfriend did not, and I continued to feel uneasy and rejected around her friends. My girlfriend would constantly complain that I never hung out with her, and I knew this was the issue and communicated it regularly but she was not prepared to do anything. 

As the months rolled on, my girlfriend increasingly became busy hanging out with her friends, such that there was no time for us. She also was not a planner but spontaneous, whereas I am the former. I am working full time with night shifts and had to do most of the work and effort. If I called and suggested an activity she'd list things she had to do with her friends that weekend. So we didn't hang out as much. Gradually resentment crept in. As I approached a busy time at work I had very little time, so stopped putting effort in and asked her to. It no longer worked, and we saw each other less frequently. Despite my pleas I seemed to come below friends, partying, sport and music on her priorities. Arguments began to happen. Then my world broke in two.

That night, I sensed she had been talking with her friends.The worst part about it, was that she cited the lack of hanging out with her, and the minor arguments over just 3 weeks. I said that it hadn't been discussed or worked through. She told me she needed space, and then broke up with me the next day. It happened near where we had our first date, and I was inconsolable.

During the next 4 weeks I received phone calls from her, she told me she still loved me, told me her life was falling apart, is this normal grieving ? 

I suggested that we chat, to which she agreed. After some space she reiterated the issues, to which my main reply was "these are normal couple issues which I was unaware of and can be solved", but she was unprepared to. She told me she still loved me, she wanted this to be worked out one day but right now she needed space, and that I should move on. I understand that my ex gf is going through a crisis of sorts now. I held onto hope, she told me she still loved me etc, and didn't want to stop talking. 

I decided recently that we needed to stop talking as it was damaging me, but right now I am devastated. This is the woman who I thought I was going to marry. We worked so well until I felt as if she stopped putting in for us. I felt like they were her friends words coming out of her mouth that night.

i am trying to make efforts to move on but we live so close together and both work in hospitality, and end up bumping into each other frequently. I feel betrayed, robbed and devastated. To want something so badly, then to have it and then taken away again rips you apart. 

Of course I would want her back, but I understand I have to move on for now. I don't understand her decision, and believe she may come to regret it soon. I am just so hollow and empty right now and have no idea what to do. I discussed with her recently re no contact and she told me she felt strained from the discussions and stressed, she was upset, at which point I said no contact for months. 

This has been a huge loss for me, and I'm completely empty. I want to do the best thing to both give us a best chance of working out in the future but also to move on. What do I do? 

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry for your loss, my friend, but pleased to know that you recognize your need for understanding and support and that you've found your way here to this warm and caring place. You don't say what is behind this girl's claim that her life is falling apart, but from what you have shared with us, it does not seem as if she's been treating you with much respect or consideration, much less with love. It is up to you to decide if this is what you want for yourself in a relationship, but I hope you will pay careful attention to the evidence in front of you. Her behavior toward you now is probably a fairly accurate indication of how she will behave toward you in the future. 

I hope you will take some time to read through some of the threads in this forum. And if you click on some of the links on this page, you will find a great deal of information that you may find useful as you find your way through this challenging time: Death of A Relationship

[Vanush]

Thankyou very much, Marty. Your consideration is greatly appreciated. 

I suspect there may be a personal crisis going on in her life. I also think my emotions over the last month have been part in her being a little rude at times, she was extremely confused, and I almost needed her to make a decision. I pushed her to make one, and it was to stay broken up. I feel calmer now that there is a decision, but regretful that I may have influenced this in any negative way. 

Even the way it stands now, we will discuss again in the future, and she wants to stay in contact, saying that she hopes we can work it out one day and that we need space. I am grasping to understand how she could love me as she says, but still have broken this up. 

As pathetic as it feels to admit, I want her back. But I know that that will not assist me in moving on in any way to think like that. Each day I pass date locations and locations key in our relationship, and it feels like the wounds are being reopened again...

[kayc]

Vanush,

I'm a big fan of Dr. Phil...not necessarily his episodes, but how he handles things, the advice he gives.  One of the things he's prone to saying is, "If we don't change things, we'll get the same results."  That is so true!  If you don't want a repeat of what you've been through, things would have to change if you went back together.  I've also learned that you can't change other people, they have to want that to happen and make that effort themselves, we can only control ourselves and our own responses.  Now is a good time to respect and value yourself enough to recognize what you do and don't want in a relationship and don't accept less.  

Breakups hurt.  We have emotional bonds that take time to heal.  That's why it's important to take some space after a breakup and give yourself a chance to get over her.  It doesn't die easy, it's painful!  But in time you wake up one day and realize it doesn't hurt like it did.  I would hope for you someone who will consider you and not her friends only.  If you have evaluated what her friends have said about you and don't find basis for it (as I'm sure you have), then let it go.

This is a good time to focus on YOU, spend time with YOUR family and friends, keep busy, get through this.  If you ever do consider having a go at it again with her, these things need to be discussed and a different plan put into play in order for the relationship to be successful, but it'd be good to start from a neutral territory, not one of pain and brokenness.  Take time to heal and know what you really want.

[Vanush]

Thankyou very much to the both of you, so much kindness from you both, and you don't know me. You're making the world a better place

 

[kayc]

I wish you the best going forward!

[Vanush]

Update on this messy situation. You were all so right. Recently she told me she loved me and invited me around for dinner. I tread very very carefully and told her I wouldn't tolerate her hurting me. After a short break, we chatted again, and She told me she hooked up with a man while away, 2 days after telling me she loved me. Not a nice person, and one who has damaged me severely. I don't understand what I did to deserve that. She told me sorry etc, but I told her we could never ever be friends. I think the right move for me, but the images in my head don't get any less vivid

[kayc]

I am so sorry.  I can't imagine a person messing with someone like that, let alone someone they claim to love.  The very least someone can do is be honest with us!