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I'm pining yearning and aching for my wife. We didn't have enough time.  And I feel guilty saying that compared to those who've had significant less time with their spouse.  I wish there were stairs to heaven. I wish I could dance with my bride again.  I wish I could feel her in my arms once more.  I wish I could hear her sweet I love you's.  There's nothing I want more than to say I'm so sorry for not fighting with the Drs hard enough to find a cure.  I'm so sorry.    

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We all are sorry,but we did the best at that moment,I think.My beloved man Jan died from morning till night.He wasn´t old,ailing or ill,and yet he died.In the morning he said how much he loved me and in the night he was dead.The worst part of it is the fact it were the doctors who killed him and this fatal error of them took his life.I miss him even more than before.

Send you hugs!

With love Janka

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That's a common grief response, Butch, but we're not medical experts, we expect them to do their job and when they don't, it catches us by surprise.  I have to fault George's doctor for his death too, he not only didn't catch his heart disease, he didn't explore it in spite of his complaints.

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13 hours ago, R.Everit55 said:

When will the pain stop?  💔😢

I'm not sure that it does completely, but it does change.  It's important to sit with our grief, it's part of the processing.  Some keep so busy as to push it away, but in the end, it's still waiting for them to deal with it and they haven't avoided a thing.  The missing him is a type of pain that will always be with me.  I've kind of gotten used to it, but that doesn't necessarily make it any easier, especially when you see the rest of the world going on with their partner.  You wonder why is it that everyone else can but you?

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My apologies for being redundant here.  I am aching for my wife plus my grandchildren.  My wife would make all things feel just a little bit lighter.  My heart hurts.  💔💔💔💔😢

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4 hours ago, Gin said:

I have always wanted to really feel Al's presence, but I never have in these 2 years.

For what it's worth Gin, it was in my fourth year that I first felt Kathy's presence, I mean her physical touch and it coincided with the time I realized that I was no longer Steve and Kathy but simply Steve. I was letting go of some of the anguish that I feel may have been blocking her from reaching me.  I can't be certain of course. I just feel it was so. If only we had all the answers but grief doesn't quite work that way. I truly believe that Al, Kathy, and every other soul continues to exist on the other side. They may be closer to us than we think.

Butch I get the dancing part and how you miss it. I loved dancing with Kathy for we simply got better with time. I once said I would never dance again but I was wrong. 

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I want to feel Susan's presence, I mean beyond how she lives in my mind. I've mentioned the falcon and the note elsewhere so I can't say there is nothing. We were as close as 2 people can be, there is a memory in every square foot and every object of our home. She died in our bathtub. If her spirit lives on it must be here....but I don't feel much. I talk to her constantly and even speak her responses. I meditate on her and look for the candle flame to do something.  I've had 5 dreams of her but in all of them she was ignoring me, which shows how abandoned I feel. A friend who says he does feel the presence of his departed loved ones very strongly says this can't be forced.

Steve, my grief counselor tells me that after 48 yrs as half of T&S I need to reclaim my identity as T,  that my life matters. Makes sense, but I don't want it. So it's interesting to hear that was a requirement for you.

Susan was a ballet dancer in her youth. Some of my best memories are of watching her perform. Sometimes I imagine that her spirit is dancing now on the other side.

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22 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

it was in my fourth year that I first felt Kathy's presence, I mean her physical touch

It was over 11 years for me when I felt his physical touch, I hadn't known that was possible, but it was his hand on my back, calming me, just like he would have when he was here in life.  If ever I needed it, it was at that moment.  I don't know how hard he had to work to manifest in that way, but I surely appreciate it.

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18 hours ago, MartyT said:

Here is yet another fascinating post ~ more food for thought: Grief Woke Me Up and Now I Can't Go Back to Sleep  

I relate to her perspective even though I have different views on some of it, like them having no body, but the point isn't what you believe, it's what you allow yourself to consider so it can open your perspective.  The "what ifs" are seemingly endless.

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On 11/2/2017 at 8:46 PM, R.Everit55 said:

My apologies for being redundant here.  I am aching for my wife plus my grandchildren.  My wife would make all things feel just a little bit lighter.  My heart hurts.  💔💔💔💔😢

I know how you feel and I am so sorry 😐🙁 IT really is so hard 

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