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Another Update - 1y6m - Missing my dad tonight


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I was just brushing my teeth getting ready to go to bed when I had this memory of when I was 6 years old. I managed to remember my dad's landline and I used to phone him randomly whenever I used to want to speak to him. It sent me in a spiral of negativity because well, I can't do that anymore. I feel like I have a bit of a panic attack but I am handling it, I just miss him a lot, so much it hurts my chest and my arms tingle. I scrolled through his Facebook to remember him and read the nice things that people said about him after his dead, some of them I think are quite insensitive, some of them are actually quite nice and soothing and it's great to see that there are people who saw beauty in my dad. I wanted to talk to my mum, or my brother but they weren't online, so I decided to get on this and post something to rant a little even though now I'm struggling with things to say. I'm just going to leave you with the start of a poem I'm working on, it is quite sad and dark, but I guess it should be.

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My dad died drowning in a hospital bed

My dad killed himself but he wanted to live

My dad was born when I was twelve

My dad died when I was fourteen

 

My dad died drowning in a hospital bed

He didn't shed blood except in my dreams

He rode through the red carpet only to trip

My dad died drowning in a hospital bed

 

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Very expressive, but very sad.  I'm sorry you're missing your dad.

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