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My mom died suddenly and I don't want to live without her


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My mom died almost 2 weeks ago now. I woke up one morning and was getting ready to go to class but realized she hadn't gotten up yet, and when I went to her bedroom I found her unconscious on the floor beside her bed. The ambulance came but as soon as we got to the ER we were told she had a massive brain hemorrhage as a result of an aneurysm and there was nothing that could be done, so she passed a few hours later. She was only 59, she passed on October 31 and her birthday was November 5. Her mother died from the same thing, though she was older (about 67 I believe) and I never in a million years thought my mother would die from the same thing - I didn't even know it was hereditary before the doctors told us at the hospital.

Finding her like that was my biggest nightmare, I'm an anxious person already and I always worried about losing my mom even though I never had a reason to as she was in pretty good health, but my greatest fear was losing her and now I feel like I'm living in a nightmare. I don't know how to go on without her, I don't have many friends and most of them are in different states for college and she was the only person who was always there for me. I was seriously ill and bedridden for years and she was the only person who was ever there for me or cared for me. Every day when I come home from class there's no one to talk to and no one to share things with and no one who cares about what I have to say. I already struggled with a lot of depression before my mom died but now it's worse than I could ever imagine and I feel like I don't have a reason to live without her. I've never dealt with much loss before in my life and now that I've lost the most important person, the one person who was my entire world and who I loved more than anything, I don't know how I'll survive. I'm only 21 and I feel so much anger and frustration, though mostly sorrow, that she died so young and that there's so much more life we could have spent together and I feel so guilty about so many things.

What makes it all so much worse is that my father, who hasn't been living with us since my mother and him separated 2 years ago, has moved back in since she died. He was emotionally abusive to my mom and she endured so many years living with him before she finally kicked him out. My mom, brother, & I were so happy in the 2 years we lived without him and it hurts so much to think that she could've been so much happier if she forced him out earlier. While I can tolerate him, I feel so much worse with him around and to have him in the house again because it brings back so many bad memories and I feel guilty trying to live amicably with him because of how he treated her, but I don't have anywhere else to live right now because of my school situation.

I've been considering posting my story on here after looking through the forums the past week or so, and just reading them has made me feel much less alone in all this, but I feel even better after writing this out. Thanks to anyone who reads or comments on this, I'm thankful there's a community like this for us to help one another.

 

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Ausma,

I am so sorry, I can't imagine how you must feel, so young, and with all of these circumstances you describe.  I lost my dad when I was 29 but my mom in my 60s, I would think it'd be so much harder the younger you are.  The one person in this world that loved me unconditionally, that got me, was my husband, and he died 12 1/2 years ago.  I know what it's like to feel alone, but I do have my sisters a phone call away.

I hope you can develop a close bond with your brother.  How much schooling do you have left?  I would hope that once you are able to leave home on your own, and create the life you want for yourself, it would be better.  You will always miss your mom, just as I will always miss my husband.  Have you considered therapy to help you deal with your feelings for your dad and the things you've been through?  sometimes it can help just not to struggle through it by yourself.  I got some help when I was young, and I'm glad I did.  

I know we aren't the same after being impacted by such great loss.  Our world as we knew it is not the same, we realize how quickly everything can change and it can leave us feeling unsafe.  A grief counselor can help us work through our grief as they are trained to do so.  You feel anger, that is common in grief, it's a whole lot to process, especially when it's sudden and unexpected like this is.

I can relate to some of what you're saying about your mom and dad's marriage because I was in my own emotionally abusive relationship when I was married 23 years to my kids' dad.  Relationships can be complex, you can care about the person and feel like you're a family but at the same time find the living situation intolerable.  After I married my George, I found all I had been missing all my life, and I couldn't believe that he'd die within just a few years.  I treasure the memories we had, just as you do the memories with your mom, how she took care of you and validated you and made you feel loved and safe.

I hope for you in your life that you meet someone like I did and that you find a career that you enjoy and a life that you can enjoy, even while missing your mom.  I've learned to carry my grief inside of me, even while I'm enjoying happy moments, grief is present, I've learned to coexist with it.  That doesn't mean I'm sad all the time, but I do miss him each and every day, if that makes sense.

Your parents' relationship was undoubtedly complex as my own was with my kids' dad.  Realizing that there was much more to it than you'll probably ever realize, you can accept that even while there were things your mom couldn't tolerate, there was probably some love there too and some understanding of who he was and why he was like he was.  That is true for me and my ex, I will always care about him, it was the living with him I couldn't handle, his controlling behavior and judgment was hard to take.  I hope for you that you can graduate and move out and have a home with peace and tranquility.  It may be easier to reconcile your feelings for your dad if you aren't living with him.  Whatever you do, keep going to school, graduate!  It can be a goal that will help you achieve what you want in life.  And let your teachers know what is going on.  If you find yourself struggling with your classes because of your grief, consider cutting back on the hours you carry, but keep going.

Coming here does help, there's a lot of caring people going through similar things...we care.

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Thank you so much, kayc, for your kind words. I'm so sorry for your loss, too, and that you know the pain of being in an emotionally abusive relationship. 

I only have a semester left before I graduate with my associate's degree, thankfully, and then hopefully I'll be able to move away to study next fall for my bachelor's.

I've considered therapy, not very seriously, for years, but now that my mom is gone I'm considering it seriously, mostly because I have no one to talk to and I'm struggling a lot right now with finding release for all the emotions I have bottled up inside. 

 

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I just want to mention that not all counselors/therapists are the same or equal.  There are some that specialize in grief and are qualified, others that do not have the education/training in grief.  If you want to get therapy for something else, that's one thing, but if you're wanting it to learn to deal with your grief, it's good to look for someone with a degree in Thanatology.  

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/10/seeing-specialist-in-grief-counseling.html

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  • 2 weeks later...

Ausma 

I am sorry for the loss of your mom  and the way you found her is a terrible way to find your mom  then to lose her so soon after finding her like that. It's like almost what happened to my SIL  but  my brother  found his FIL  like that but sadly he was already gone  by the time he was found he  didn't want his wife  to see her father like that it gives you a horrible flashbacks  after you witness that stuff   . 

Your also pretty young as I'm for sure you had more dreams you wanted to share with your mom  as Jimmy Fallon just recentely lost his mom and he did a tribute to her on the Tonight Show it touched me deeply because  he said he and his mom do the 3 I love you squeezes when  holding onto the hand  then when he did the last I love you squeeze on her hand and she didn't do the three I love you squeeze back he realize he was in trouble and it made me think since my mom and I do the I love you squeezes like what Jimmy Fallon mentioned it made me  go wow that is something that I would miss with my mom  also .

Also, why did your father move back into the house when he was kicked out two years ago ?   With a father being emotional abusive like that around your mom and knowing that your dad did that to your mom for many years  it would definetly not help your grief any so is there any way you can get him out or is he helping with finances if not then maybe find a place of your own so you could start healing properly ?

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Thanks, kayc, for the advice. I had no idea that there were therapists that specialized in grief, so I'll definitely look into that.

Thanks lattiee for your kind words. My father moved back in because he does handle my finances and pays for my college. I really don't have anywhere else to go as I don't have a job right now, but I'm hoping to move out possibly by January if I transfer to a college in the city. 

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You're on the home stretch!  Soon you'll be graduated and starting a job, it'll get better for you.

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  • 7 months later...
On 11/11/2017 at 4:49 AM, Ausma said:

My mom died almost 2 weeks ago now. I woke up one morning and was getting ready to go to class but realized she hadn't gotten up yet, and when I went to her bedroom I found her unconscious on the floor beside her bed. The ambulance came but as soon as we got to the ER we were told she had a massive brain hemorrhage as a result of an aneurysm and there was nothing that could be done, so she passed a few hours later. She was only 59, she passed on October 31 and her birthday was November 5. Her mother died from the same thing, though she was older (about 67 I believe) and I never in a million years thought my mother would die from the same thing - I didn't even know it was hereditary before the doctors told us at the hospital.

Finding her like that was my biggest nightmare, I'm an anxious person already and I always worried about losing my mom even though I never had a reason to as she was in pretty good health, but my greatest fear was losing her and now I feel like I'm living in a nightmare. I don't know how to go on without her, I don't have many friends and most of them are in different states for college and she was the only person who was always there for me. I was seriously ill and bedridden for years and she was the only person who was ever there for me or cared for me. Every day when I come home from class there's no one to talk to and no one to share things with and no one who cares about what I have to say. I already struggled with a lot of depression before my mom died but now it's worse than I could ever imagine and I feel like I don't have a reason to live without her. I've never dealt with much loss before in my life and now that I've lost the most important person, the one person who was my entire world and who I loved more than anything, I don't know how I'll survive. I'm only 21 and I feel so much anger and frustration, though mostly sorrow, that she died so young and that there's so much more life we could have spent together and I feel so guilty about so many things.

What makes it all so much worse is that my father, who hasn't been living with us since my mother and him separated 2 years ago, has moved back in since she died. He was emotionally abusive to my mom and she endured so many years living with him before she finally kicked him out. My mom, brother, & I were so happy in the 2 years we lived without him and it hurts so much to think that she could've been so much happier if she forced him out earlier. While I can tolerate him, I feel so much worse with him around and to have him in the house again because it brings back so many bad memories and I feel guilty trying to live amicably with him because of how he treated her, but I don't have anywhere else to live right now because of my school situation.

I've been considering posting my story on here after looking through the forums the past week or so, and just reading them has made me feel much less alone in all this, but I feel even better after writing this out. Thanks to anyone who reads or comments on this, I'm thankful there's a community like this for us to help one another.

 

Sending you lots and lots of love and solidarity Asuma!!

I'm in a really similar boat to you. My mum was the same age as yours when she passed and I'm the same age as you. The friends sitch is also very similar - my mum was my best friend and I had depression before she died and she really helped me through it.

Everyday I wake up, I feel like I'm just experiencing a bad dream and although it's only been a few weeks I really can't imagine spending the rest of my life (especially if it's a long one without her). Like, I just don't know how.

You're not alone in how you feel!! 

 

Edited by missingma
Forgot to add that my mum also died really suddenly - as in it was completely unexpected. Never in a million years did I imagine that she'd go this soon!!!
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@missingma  How long ago did this happen?  I am so sorry for your loss.  Our mothers are our go-to person, it's hard to get used to their being gone.  You wonder how you do the rest of your life without her...one day at a time, that's how.  That's what I've found works best for me, to try not to go there in my mind, just take each day as it comes.  It's hard to lose that person we love, that person that's in our everyday life.   

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  • 4 weeks later...

@missingma thank you so much for your condolences. I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mom and that you have to endure this pain too. If you’d ever like to talk I’m here for you, though I don’t know how much help I could be since like @kayc said I’ve only been able to deal with it by getting through it day by day. Still, sometimes it helps to know there’s someone going through the same thing as you. Sending you so much love ❤️❤️❤️

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  • 7 months later...

My mom passed away two weeks ago March 8, we were best friends/sisters and I can’t live without her, she went into cardiac arrest and passed I went to check on her she was gone, some people tell me why r u shocked your mom was very ill, but that’s not how I saw it, her heart went from 29 function to 40% thanks to dialysis, she had kidney failure, heart failure, enlarged liver and PKD she was born with, which makes u have thousands of cysts on your kidney, I was gonna be her kidney donor also, we were just waiting for a heart, she was getting better I’m stuck in a state of shock, if I hadn’t taken a nap after work I could’ve got there earlier and performed cpr, also if I was awake I could’ve drove her to hospital.. I feel like I let her down majorly she always cried at night cause she didn’t want to die, I know she heard me crying for her also, due to the messages I found after she passed, I just want her back, feels like someone is squeezing my heart and the sadness feels a dark blanket over my soul.. I just can’t take it any longer I miss her so much she was a fighter who beat hospice death dates twice, she even had feeding tube removed due to her being able to eat again... life isn’t fair

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5 hours ago, Ejanine said:

if I hadn’t taken a nap after work I could’ve got there earlier and performed cpr, also if I was awake I could’ve drove her to hospital.. I feel like I let her down majorly

When we're grieving it's common to do the "what ifs, could have, would have" thing...as if somehow we're responsible, as if we could have saved them.  It's our way of looking for a different possible outcome because the outcome that happened is too hard for us to bear.  But the truth is there is only one outcome, and that's the one that happened.  Sometimes we look for answers that were beyond our capability to know, like something medical that we didn't go to school for, even though there were doctors that were trained and schooled and they didn't catch it or change anything.  What we're looking for in ourselves isn't reasonable or rational for us to be or do but we do it anyway...it's part of grief and you're not alone in this.  When my husband died (heart attack) I thought, if only I'd MADE him go to a different doctor.  But he was a grown man, responsible for his own decisions...I had suggested it, but he didn't do it.  We can't go back and change things but we wonder, what if...

It's all part of the process, it takes time to accept that what happened, happened.  And it wasn't a choice given us to change it.  You were willing to donate your kidney!  I think any of us were willing to do anything to save them...if only we'd known.  

I'm sorry for your pain.  You say she beat death twice, it sounds like it was her time and although we hate that, we want to fight against it, we can't.  You are right, life isn't fair.  Sometimes it's realities are harsh.  I lost my mom 4 1/2 years ago, it doesn't seem possible.  There's times I still want to call her, go see her and then I remember, nope, I can't.  I talk to her sometimes, don't know if she can hear me, but what does it hurt to try.  

I wrote this article about ten years after the death of my husband, I hope something in it will be helpful to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Thank you so much, Haven't thought about this yet, the guilt is eating me up, cause I don’t usually work fridays but we were struggling and I wanted to help us, i keep thinking maybe if I was there or didn’t take a nap when I got home that I could’ve helped, given her nitro like a have a dozens times before, it’s like I will never know, I just hope she wasn’t suffering or in pain.. I wasn’t very religious, but I would like to think whole heartedly that’s there is a god and that she’s in heaven watching over me or in my heart, but I just don’t know, also I have family who weren’t there for her who are throwing there guilt on me 

Edited by Ejanine
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None of us have foreknowledge, but we can have hope and faith and there's a fine line between the two...I choose to believe I will be with my loved ones again, I can't handle the alternative and it helps me a lot.  Not telling you how to believe just that it helps me.  I wish you peace inside and comfort as well, I know it's so hard doing this time without the ones we love here in our everyday lives.  At least we can know they are at peace and not suffering.  I've had two NDEs and it was very alluring to let go and go to it but I still had unfinished business here (first time had kids to raise, second time I had my dog and cat to care for).  I hope you will be able to let go of the guilt, we can only be responsible for what we knowingly do and you could not have known that this day she would go.  (((hugs)))

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/01/guilt-in-wake-of-parents-death.html
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

And although this one might not apply, the answer contained in it may still be helpful:
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

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  • 6 months later...

I know your post is from a few years ago, but I came across it just now and feel like I can finally relate to someone. I’m only 21 years old too and my mom passed away from cancer almost three months ago. She was my best friend, and it doesn’t feel right that she’s not here anymore. It feels like the more time passes by the harder it gets for me because it’s like really setting in that she’s gone. I’ve never experienced death before, and to lose someone who is so significant in my life has been pretty unbearable. I’ve had friends/family who have lost a parent let me know that they are there for me, but they are not the same age group. I feel like it’s worse being so young, knowing there are going to be many instances I’ll need my mom still. I’m not sure if you’ll reply, but I was just wondering, does it get any easier? Do you have any advice on what has helped you be okay?

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I don't know if this person has their settings set up to receive notifications when there's been a response to their thread, or not.  I was a daddy's girl and lost my dad in my 20s...he missed so much of my life.  I'm 67 now and he missed meeting his grandkids, that is one of the biggest, but I did tell them stories about him and kept his picture up.  My daughter had dimples and a wonderful personality and I told her how much her grandpa would have loved her.  My son graduated Valedictorian, served his country, graduated with three engineering degrees and was Commencement Speaker, straight A's and debt free, and I shared with him how proud his grandpa would have been with him, and also when he remodeled his homes (my father was a master carpenter).  There are ways we can share with our kids after they die so they feel they know them even though they died beforehand.

There are also ways we can honor them.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/02/parent-loss-continuing-their-song.html

Does it get any easier?  In my opinion, yes.  I lost my beloved husband 14+ years ago and I can't begin to tell you how excruciating the pain was at the time...eventually the pain's intensity lessens as we begin to adjust and cope, it takes time but our grief evolves even though it doesn't have an actual ending.  We will always miss those that we love.  I just lost my beloved dog 8 1/2 weeks ago and it's felt just as painful...I still don't know how I'm to live without him.  I still visit his grave and cry, I still miss him continually.  But from experience I know the pain will eventually lessen.  

We only get one set of parents but even with my dog I can't replace him with another dog.  But I can open my heart and home to other people & animals and enjoy other relationships, even while continuing to miss that mom I've lost, or the dad I lost, the husband, pets, friends, sister, niece, nephew, etc.  The older we get, the more losses we go through and when we get to this age, there is a host of people/animals we're missing and we learn to live with loss/grief as part of our everyday existence.  

This is an article I wrote about ten years after losing my husband, I hope you'll find something in it that is helpful to you:

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255
  • Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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  • 3 months later...

My mama just died in a stinking nursing home.  I went almost everyday to spend time with her, but not on her last day.  They had her so doped up she barely knew who I was.  I told them to take her off all that psych dope and I think they reduced it.  So many pills her stomach started to bleed and her heart quit.  80 years old.  I have been crying and screaming for 13 days solid.  I have only eaten a can of soup in 13 days. I have prayed and it really helps, but sometimes I think about taking my own life to end the pain of the loss.  I don't know which way will go.  I feel like I killed her taking her to that nursing home.  That guilt has me chewed up inside.  That guilt makes me feel like I failed her and I should have taken her home.  I think that guilt of not bringing her home will eventually make me take my own life.

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7 hours ago, Michael1963 said:

I think that guilt of not bringing her home will eventually make me take my own life.

My friend, on the one hand I can assure you that thoughts of suicide are not unusual in grief (see, for example, Thoughts of Suicide in Grief).

On the other hand, judging by what you have posted here, I must emphasize that this site is not intended for individuals who are in crisis and actively contemplating suicide.  If you're thinking of suicide, read this first.  If you are experiencing serious suicidal thoughts that you cannot control, please stop now and telephone 911 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Using your smart phone, contact the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741

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@Michael1963  I strongly urge you to not only call the suicide hotline Marty provided, but to make an appt. with a grief counselor asap.    Let them know it's urgent.
Guilt feelings are common in early grief and it's important to work through them with someone to understands the grief process.  Right now your feelings are leading you, but it's important to get to the place where rationale thinking can kick in too.  Feelings are often a result of something, in this case loss, but they were never meant to be a good barometer of anything or to lead us.  It's important to balance them with facts.  The truth is, you could not have known what would happen when you took her there, the expectation is that they would to their job.  Everyone has a right to expect nothing less than that.  Bringing charges against them might be a more constructive way of dealing with your loss so that no one else would suffer in the way you feel your mom did.  Make an appointment to talk with the head person there to get some of your questions answered, it could be that they have explanation for some of the things you saw but  don't understand.  If they don't, that's when I'd contact a lawyer. 

I am so sorry for all you are going through.  My mom had dementia, stage IV, and had to be placed in a dementia care facility.  We kept an eye on things and if something demanded I talk with them about it, I did.  Overall they did a great job, but there were times I had to call something to their attention or fight for her.  I'm sorry you feel justice wasn't done for your mom...taking your own life would not be her choice for you, I am sure.

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  • 3 months later...

Today is the 208th day without my mom, she too died suddenly and very very unexpectedly. You are not alone, at all. I too find it hard to go through each day that i cant call her, pop in on her...but i have two kids i will live for. 

It truly isnt easy. it is the hardest thing i have to live through. You have my sympathies and hope you are doing better now. 

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Jenn, it's been 5 1/2 years since my mom passed and I still get the urge to call her, although I wasn't able to for a couple years before she died (she had dementia and forgot how to use a phone).  They've been part of us all of our lives so it's hard not having them here.  Sudden deaths are really hard, I lost my husband that way.  

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  • 3 weeks later...

I lost my Mom on April 11, 2020, at age 86 unexpectedly from a brain hemorrhage.  
 

I’m 54 and I was very close to her.  I know intellectually that I was blessed to have her for 54 years.  She loved me unconditionally and our bond was special. 
 

My Dad died in 2016 also unexpectedly and now that they are both gone I feel like my life is done, a part of me wants it to be done.

 Dealing with her death on top of this Covid 19 mess, our criminal and negligent government and the next great economic depression we will face, I feel like the world and our country just isn’t worth living in.
 

 I’m absolutely lost, I’m numb and angry and extremely tired.  I think I’ve gained 20 pounds in a month from binge eating.   I know I can’t go back but so much of me does not want to go forward.  I’m just a physical shell going through the motions.  I already feel dead emotionally.  

So why post on here? Well because I know that millions and millions of other people are suffering during this time as well.  I know that this will pass and I know that I have a partner who loves me.  I have a sister and niece and great nieces and nephews.   They live across the country so trying to travel now is not possible.  Perhaps I would feel better if I visited them?  But when?
 

Those thoughts, rational thoughts, keep me from harming myself.  But dealing with the bad emotions is taking its toll.  How in the hell did we allow all of this to happen? Going back to 9/11 it’s seems we are on a rapid slope down into the abyss.  
 

I feel like I’m watching an enormous wave approach and I can’t move out of its way.  I’ve never felt this dark before. What do I do? What do we all do? 
 

 

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Jeff,

I am sorry for the loss of your mom, mine has been gone since 2014.  My mom had mental illness and one of the most difficult people I've ever had to deal with so very different memories than yours, but all the same I loved her.  My dad has been gone for 38 years, he was sweet but alcoholic.

Sometimes it's a real struggle when the last parent goes, suddenly we have no one who has been there all our lives, loved us unconditionally's a bond that is sorely missed.  And now we're it. 

Yes, plan to see your sister and other relatives, no matter how far away!  This will be over but possibly never truly over, it will change how we live from here on out.  I feel ill prepared for that.  I want my life back!  I lost my husband 15 years ago Father's Day and it feels like all the strides I have made towards building a life I could do, finding purpose, making friends, all of it is ripped from me during this pandemic and I'm now back to square one...and feeling the same things as you are.  Day by day I'm alone, the phone doesn't ring anymore.  Everyone has kind of settled into a melancholy of their own.  This is a time like no other.  Not to minimize the depression, but I'd favor that to this as at least they still had their families to be with, could still get together with others, attend church.  This is a very lonely Mother's Day, I can't see my kids or grandchildren.  If my mom was still alive I think I'd ask her to stay with me, no matter her difficulties.  But then she had dementia and it got to where she needed 24/7 care and watching, too much for any one person.  

You ask a lot of valid question, wish I had answers.  The only thing I know to do is what I've tried to do since my husband died...take one day at a time.  Stay in today, for all of the tomorrows are too much to contemplate!  I learned that early on.

And reach out to someone with a phone call.  We may not be able to make our lives better right now but perhaps we can be a glimmer in someone else's life!

My son brought me a puppy before Christmas, I don't know what I'd do without him!  He's someone to love, someone to keep me busy, someone to interact with during this solitary confinement.

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