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Pancho519

My girlfriend broke up with me blames me for the death of her daughter

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My girlfriend broke up with me recently on 10/30/2017 we had a great relationship and were the same page. She has two kids and told me her kids are her life. I accepted them and we started going out together. The kids are 2 and 5 one days she was on her way to visit me and she was running late. She was in a car accident someone t boned her on the driver side my girlfriend suffered major broken bones and her daughter was killed in the accident. I’ve been there for her since the beginning. She wanted me there with her at the hospital she even wanted me with her when they took her daughter out of life support. I knew it was going to be hard and I will have to be patient. She recently broke up with me almost a month since the accident. She told me that she felt like she can’t be in a relationship right now and that everytime she sees me it reminds me of that fact that she was on her way to visit me the day that she lost her daughter she said she thought I was being pushy that she not blaming me but she can’t help it that it’s wrong and that she can’t show me the love I deserve or need because of that thought. Ever since then I just left her alone I did write to her but did not get a response. I don’t know what to do I don’t k kw if there might be a way I can get back with her. We both were in love with each other and I still am but don’t know what I should do please help me and advise would help thank you

This is what she wrote to me the day of the breakup. 

I know you're there for me. But I can't open up to you. I just can't, I know you've done all these things for me and I'm highly appreciative. But I don't think that I'm in a position right now to have a relationship. The person I love the most is gone. My daughter is gone. And I lost her on my way to your house. When you were being pushy and needed me there at a certain time you're always so pushy. And I'm not blaming you. But every time I look at you I think about that. It's not right. It's wrong. But I can't help it. I don't want you to be angry. But I can't do this. I can't give you or show you the love you deserve. I'm numb. I hope that you can please understand. I really need some room to breathe. My life seems so surreal. Everyday is getting worse. I miss my daughter so much. All the love I have is for my kids. I don't have anything left of me.

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I'm so sorry.  This sounds classic.  A certain number of people react this way in their grief.  My fiance broke up with me when his mom was dying.  He felt guilty for all the times he spent with me that he feels he should have spent with her (we were in our fifties and he did go see her but he felt guilty it wasn't more).  We had some months apart and now we're friends, mostly on the telephone, we only see each other a couple times a year.  He's felt guilty for hurting me but feels he can't trust himself to be in a relationship because if he could do that to me, he could do it again to me or someone else when tragedy struck.  I also have the same fear.

Usually the road doesn't lead back to where you once were.  

When they go through such a tragedy as this, their loss is so great it's all they can see and feel.  You are a reminder of the time "before".  She's overwhelmed with her grief and doesn't see any normalcy in her life, she has nothing left over at the end of the day for you or anyone.  It's not her, it's the grief.  It would help her so much to get grief counseling, but there's nothing you can do, that is up to her.

If you do hear from her, stay away from relationship talk.  Even something as innocuous as saying "I miss you" can seem like pressure to her and she can't handle it.

In the end you have to do what is right for you...try to spend time with family and friends, work on yourself and your own life, get out, do things, keep busy.  You will cry but the periods will become less frequent in time.

I wish I could give you hope but I've read each and every thread in this section and of all of them I think there was one whose relationship made it through intact.  I consider Jim and I a success story even though we didn't renew our engagement because we do still have our friendship and I feel he's valuable to want to have in my life as a friend.  It doesn't work if one of you is secretly hoping for something more though, in order to BE friends you must accept each other on each other's terms and not try to change each other.  That takes first having a time away from each other to heal and come to grips with things as they are.

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Thank you Kayc for your reply I really appreciate it. I have reached out to the aunt to see if there is anyway I can help from a far even if my ex doesn’t know about it. I told her I am going to keep my distance and if we were to get back together it will have to be on my ex terms and she will have to reach out to me hopefully when she is ready. She still wants me to be with her and her family but I can’t force myself right now especially not after that text message. Her aunt recommended I text her at least once a week to let her know I am still thinking about her I don’t know about that what do you think? Also her is the last text I sent her after she had texted me. 

“Sorry for texting you so late at night. I wanted to let you know that I miss you. I didn’t want this for you and I not to be together. I never wanted you to be going through this pain. I just wanted the best for you, Vera and Joseph. The moment I knew I loved you I was going to love Vera and Joseph the same. I never wanted this to happen. I hope one day we will be able to reconnect and you will able to see me and speak to me without me reminding you of that day and that pain. This was never my intent. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think about you, Vera and Joseph. I wish I was able to change time and told you not to visit me that day. I love you and I will keep on loving you. I will forever keep you, Vera, and Joseph in my heart. I will always be available for you. I hope you and I will be able to reconnect one day when you are ready. I will always be here for you. “

Please any advice will help. I feel so lost and heartbroken. 

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She knows where your heart is and she knows how to reach you.  I would let her have her space and not text her.  You've told her everything you needed to so she's aware of how you feel.  Any more and she may feel pressured and go the other way.

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Interestingly enough, Jim and I were talking on the phone last night and he told me that if what happened to his mom had not happened, things would have turned out quite differently for us.  I told him I knew that.  Still, there are no "undo" buttons in life and it has affected both of our trust, him in himself, me in others.  If I was younger I might be more inclined to work through it, but I just don't feel like all the effort again...I've had six major relationships (four marriages and two engagements) and I'm just too tired.  I had a great husband once (he died) and so I call it good and content myself with our memories.

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On 11/16/2017 at 5:00 AM, kayc said:

She knows where your heart is and she knows how to reach you.  I would let her have her space and not text her.  You've told her everything you needed to so she's aware of how you feel.  Any more and she may feel pressured and go the other way.

 

On 11/19/2017 at 5:58 AM, kayc said:

Interestingly enough, Jim and I were talking on the phone last night and he told me that if what happened to his mom had not happened, things would have turned out quite differently for us.  I told him I knew that.  Still, there are no "undo" buttons in life and it has affected both of our trust, him in himself, me in others.  If I was younger I might be more inclined to work through it, but I just don't feel like all the effort again...I've had six major relationships (four marriages and two engagements) and I'm just too tired.  I had a great husband once (he died) and so I call it good and content myself with our memories.

Today I really feel like contacting my ex girlfriend. I really miss her and I haven’t contacted her since she broke up with me. I don’t know if this is a good idea but she still had t reached out to me. What do you think I should do?

 

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I honestly don't know if I'd make the first move, the ball is in her court.  And time is in a warp for her so it doesn't seem the same as it does to you.  I know this is hard for you.  You are grieving your relationship with her...

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8 hours ago, kayc said:

I honestly don't know if I'd make the first move, the ball is in her court.  And time is in a warp for her so it doesn't seem the same as it does to you.  I know this is hard for you.  You are grieving your relationship with her...

You’re right I just wish there was something can do. 

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I know, it leaves you feeling helpless and frustrated.  :(

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On 11/25/2017 at 4:20 AM, kayc said:

I know, it leaves you feeling helpless and frustrated.  :(

Yes it does. So haven’t heard from her it’s been more than 30 days. Her aunt contacted me just yesterday. I asked her how she has been and her aunt told me so so. Her aunt told me that she is still angry at the world and that she feels like she will be stuck for a long time. She hasn’t gone to her physical therapy and is lacking any type or motivation even though she still has her two year old son. Then she told me that she attempted to kill herself by taking to much pain killers. I asked her if she was taken to a mental health and she said no she didn’t want to go. I feel like I should reach out to her now but I don’t know what do you think?

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You could try but don't get your hopes up or expect anything, especially since she's this angry.  She's not in a receptive frame of mind so advice won't likely be received.  Whoever found her after her suicide attempt should have called 911 so the authorities would have gotten involved, maybe they would have forced her to get treatment.  I see that as important, especially since she had a two year old.

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