Just when I thought things were getting better....

[Polly]

Here is an update with what is going on. 

I started dating Bill again before Christmas. We would go out but he wasn't spending the night here. That was just too much for my daughter that is still living here. Things seemed to be going ok. Then at the end of February, I broke up with him again. I just felt like I needed some space. I was feeling smothered. I just felt like maybe I needed some time to myself. We really didn't even talk for about a month. Last week I did call him. We talked for about 2 hours. I told him that I still wanted to be friends but I couldn't promise him anything else. You see, we have a lot in common. We like the same things. We talk to each other about everything. He told me that he would rather be friends that not have me in his life. That really meant a lot to me. 

These past few months have been good with me and my girls. My youngest has actually been talking to me about things. She even shocked me a few weeks ago when she asked me if I had talked to Bill. I was honest with her and told her that I had only texted with him at that time. I told her that we were still friends and that for now that is all it's going to be with him. 

So my youngest only has a little over 2 months until she graduates from high school. I have a big trip planned for her and I in June. I'm taking to her to Disney as her graduation present. We are going to drive there. It's about a 17 hour drive. We are going to spend 6 nights on property and do each park plus the water parks. Then we are going to spend 2 nights at the beach before heading home. I think this will be a trip for good memories for us. I'm excited about this. I'm sure Richard would be so proud. 

[kayc]

The biggest consideration is YOUR ultimate happiness, and as long as you are in tune with what you want and giving everything time to process, you are on the right track.  I'm glad you have this upcoming trip to look forward to and that things are going well!

[Polly]

thanks Kay. 

I had a really tough weekend. Lots of tears. Lots of thinking. A lot of alone time. It got really bad on Easter. I worked 6am-3pm and came home to an empty house. My daughter went with her boyfriend to his aunts house. After a couple of hours of crying I realized that I wasn't just upset that Richard wasn't here. I was also really missing and needing Bill. Yes, he drives me crazy at times, but he has the kindest heart just like Richard. He would do anything for me, just like Richard. He would never intentionally hurt me or cheat on me, just like Richard. How can I not let him in my life? So on Monday, it was his birthday. I called him to wish him a Happy Birthday. I asked him if he would meet me at the bowling alley. We used to go bowling at least a week on nights that it was $1 a game. He said yes. It felt right and we had a really good time. I told him that we had to take things slow. My head is really messed up with all of this but we are so good for each other. He totally understands because he lost his girlfriend of 20 years. 

Yes, I'm really excited about this trip. I was so hesitant about doing it but my best friend convinced me that I should just do it. This will probably be our last vacation together so going to do it good. She is already talking about moving out on her own. I'm sure she will because she is my mini-me. I left home a couple weeks after I graduated. 

[kayc]

Polly,

Your daughter will understandably go create a life for herself and you will be left alone to figure out what you want.  Taking it slow is always good, but it sounds like you've found someone that cares for you and may be right for you, just give it time to figure it out.  It doesn't all have to be either/or, you don't have to cut him entirely out of your life, you can be friends and take your time figuring out if you want more than that.  But this is your decision, not your daughter's, just as her choices will be hers and not yours.  

I hope you have a good time with your daughter, you're right, it could be your last trip...but it may not be either.  I wish you well, I really do.

[Polly]

Exactly what I was thinking. I can't cut him out of my life. I thought I could and thought I was ok with it. I was wrong. Being friends and taking things slow seems the best for now. Oh and as far as my daughter. I think she is growing up. She has been more understanding. Before Bill and I broke up the last time, she was trying to be nice to him. 

 

[kayc]

It's hard for a child to see their parent with someone other than their parent at first.  Plus they look at you as an appendage of them, everything is in accordance with how it affects them, it's all about them.  As they grow up and mature, they begin to see their parent as a person unique and separate from themselves, and that's when they begin to consider their parent's feelings and life.  It sounds like your daughter is doing that now. 

[Polly]

Nicole and I got back from our Florida vacation to Disney and Daytona Beach on Sunday. We had a really good time. We both didn't want to come back home. She was born there and I lived there for 8 years. She asked if we could just stay and send for our cats. LOL! It was nice to spend that time with her. no stress or worries. Daytona Beach was a little hard for me. The last we were there Richard was with us.

[kayc]

Polly,

I'm so glad you got to share such a wonderful time together!  I would love to do that with my daughter!  Who knows, maybe someday.  I laughed out loud at the sending for the cats!   

[Polly]

just wanted to let you know that Nicole was in a really bad car accident on Sat night. Not sure how she survived. She broke her femur, upper arm and 3 places in her pelvis. She has cuts all over her face and had glass in her eye. 

[kayc]

Polly,

You must be in shock!  Have they gotten all of the glass out of her eye? Even with extensive broken bones, they should heal...my biggest concern is, how is her brain?  Did she sustain any brain injury?  I hope and pray not!  How are YOU doing?  Do you have anyone with you?  I so hope you have support around you!  You look young and are likely still working.  Is there any possibility you can take a leave of absence when she gets out of the hospital to help her with recovery?  More questions than answers.  I know how it felt when my sisters and nephews sustained their car wreck, it felt life-altering because it was.  You view life differently afterwards.  Was there anyone else in the accident with her?

I am so sorry.  Nicole, AND you, are in my prayers.

[MartyT]

Oh Polly. I cannot imagine the horror. The photos of Nicole's car speak volumes. I am so sorry. Sending healing thoughts and prayers to you and your daughter . . .

[Polly]

Thanks Marty and Kay. Yes, I think they got all the glass out of her eye. No, she doesn't have any brain injuries. I have my older daughter and Nicole's best friend have been staying with me at the hospital. We have been taking turns staying over night with her. I took off work all this week. Supposed to go back next Tuesday. I will have to take a leave of absence if she needs help once she is home. Can't afford to do that but I will do whatever I have to do. She is my baby. No one else was in the car with her. She was following a new boyfriend, as in that was their first date. She is not really sure what happened. She hit a tree then went airborne and hit the telephone pole. The boyfriend saw it and called 911. He stayed with her until help got there. 

[kayc]

Has the hospital helped you file for temporary disability for her?  She will need some income and definitely continued coverage for medical, especially as this is going to disrupt her life's track for a while.  If she gets on disability, it's possible you could get paid as her caregiver as long as she needs it, I'm hoping your job will hold for you.

I'm glad she got help quickly!  I'm also very glad she has her sister and friend there for her too.

Very glad there's no brain injury!  Bones heal easier, I know she has a lot of breaks though and this is going to be tough.  Have they scheduled any surgeries?

You're all in my prayers!

[Polly]

No they haven't even mentioned the disability.  But I was wondering if that was possible.  I will call the care worker. She had surgery on Sunday morning. They put a rod in her femur. And a plate in her upper arm. 

[MartyT]

As a mom, I feel for both you and your daughter, dear Polly, and send you my heartfelt prayers to soothe, mend and heal her broken body and your broken heart. ❤️

[kayc]

Praying for Nicole's body to heal, I hope they can help you.  

[Polly]

Nicole came home last Friday. I did have to take a leave of absence. She can not walk. My son-in-law came over and build a ramp for me. This has been very hard for me emotionally. So much so that a little over 2 weeks ago I told Bill that I needed space. I haven't talked to him except for a few messages when he would ask how I or Nicole was doing. I have no clue if I will work things out with him. I know I have hurt him over and over. It's just so hard. I know right now my main focus is Nicole. I guess if it's meant to be it will be. 

[kayc]

We hear of many who get broken up with when their SO is grieving or caregiver/anticipatory grief.  I was one of those that got dumped when my fiance was taking care of his mom before she died.  Some people want their person by their side through all but a significant number need space to focus on what they're going through.  We tell people that go through the breakups that it's not personal, it's about the other person and what they're going through, not them.  I know it's of little consolation at the time but later on they can look back at it with more perspective.  Jim  and I are very good friends after all is said and done, in fact we've spent a couple of days together in the last couple of weeks.  It took time and healing but we made it through intact.  Not as a couple, but as friends.  Bill does sound like a swell guy and if it's meant to be, as you say, it will be.

Polly, I really wish you and Nicole the best as you go through this.  I'm going through something right now with my sister, Peggy.  She fell and crushed her vertebrae and it was nearly THREE months before the doctors DID anything!  She finally had her surgery yesterday (they tried to cancel the afternoon before and I found out a few hours later, I called them and told them hell no, they weren't cancelling it, not on my watch!  I told them they are going to shower her, test her, do her surgery, and not let her out until she is ready!  When she comes home she will need care for at least a month.  I can't do that for her like I would like to because she's a chain smoker and my allergies and asthma will not allow me to be in her home.  But I will cook for her and do her laundry and take it to her.  I wish I could do more.  If only she'd wear the patch while she's recovering from surgery!  

Do they have PT scheduled for Nicole?  I praise God she lived through this accident, now I pray for her continued healing and strength for you as well.  Know our arms are around you both!

I want to also add that while I know you hate hurting Bill, he knows that is not your intent, and these different styles of handling things are not right or wrong, but YOUR way and it's good to learn this so you can determine compatibility of styles before making a commitment to each other.  For myself, I'm glad I learned this BEFORE marrying Jim and am glad we didn't marry.  I think he is a valuable person I think is worth keeping in my life as a friend, but that's all.  But then he didn't even give me the benefit of a conversation about it, he broke up with me by FedEx!  He's very non-confrontational to a fault.  What's interesting is that now he's become acquainted with his brother and sister (he was an only child in an adoptive home) he's having to learn to deal with them and work through things for the first time in his life.  I smile as I realize God tends to give us our lessons over and over until we learn them.  But now he's having these conversations with me and truly trying to work through things (with his brother and sister) for the first time in his life.  

You may not be able to avoid hurting Bill but that doesn't make you the villain.  You have to do what is right for YOU and it makes sense to me that your focus is completely on what you need to do for Nicole.  Maybe later you can incorporate him a little more.  If not, that's okay too.

[Polly]

Kay,

So sorry to hear about your sister. Wow, on them trying to cancel the surgery. That is crazy!!! I'm glad you stepped up and put your foot down. So everything went good with the surgery? 

Nicole's first pt appointment was this morning at 8am!!! What a nightmare to get there at that time. First off we got up at 6am. Neither one of us are morning people. We were running a little late leaving. We should have left at 7:15am. Then when we got to the highway it was a parking lot. At this point I knew we were going to be late. I had Nicole call them and tell them the situation. They were nice about and said they would still see her. Next appt. is on Friday but I made sure it was not another 8am appt. it's at 930am. 

I feel horrible about hurting him again. We are so good together. I guess in time we will see. 

[kayc]

Polly, At least you handled everything the right way with him.  You gave him the benefit of a conversation about it.  Jim didn't do that with me, he broke up with me by Fed Ex, having it come to my office at 9:20 a.m.  Dealing with my emotions in front of the coworkers when I was blindsided was beyond horrible.  Had he at least sent it to my home so I could get it in privacy would have been better.  And you didn't exactly break up with Bill, you said you needed space, a break, that's much better because it leaves it open-ended and although you may finalize it on down the road, at least it gives him a chance to absorb some of it first.

Try not to think about your "hurting him" so much as doing what you need to do to get by right now.  Right now your focus is on Nicole and getting through this together and that is understandable.  If I haven't said it before, you are a good mom and a wondering person.

Peggy came through the surgery, she sounds weak and was pretty woozy, understandably.

I'm glad you could get the next PT appt. later!

[Polly]

Fed ex?!?!?! omg, that is just crazy! and to your work not to your house? wow! 

Yes, I think I was in survival mode when I told him I needed space. I knew I couldn't handle anymore than just Nicole. Well she has been home for 10 days. Some days were so bad. One night she was in so much pain that it made me nauseous. A few times she has been so angry and frustrated. She is very independent like me and hates not being able to do things for herself. She still really cant walk. She has a one handed walker that she uses. It's a struggle just to get to her bathroom which is probably no more than 12 steps away. I took her out this evening to get something to eat and we stopped for ice cream before we came home. That pretty much wore her out. We have a busy week ahead. Tues we see the surgeon. Wed the neurologist and Thursday is PT. I'm hoping that she is mobile enough that I can go back to work in the next few weeks. Even if it's just a few hours a day. 

[MartyT]

Pulling for both of you, dear Polly! ❤️

[kayc]

Polly, still praying for her...and you.  I can understand feeling overwhelmed.  I was feeling that way myself last week, oddly am doing better today, don't know why, I had very disheartening news but don't want to post it on your thread...

I hope all goes well at the doctor and more strides can be made!  

[Polly]

Just wanted to update. It's been over a month since the last one. Nicole is walking with a cane now. She still can't walk for long distances. She can now start using her left arm. She was also cleared to drive. We bought her a car this week and that has helped her feel more independent. This whole thing has brought us closer together. She actually talks to me about personal things now. I have also straightened things out with Bill. We talk everyday but only see each other a few times a week. Nicole even went to dinner with us last weekend and she was really good about it. Yesterday, I told her I was going to ask him to come over to help me get the 4 wheeler out of the garage and put it in the shed. She was ok with that. In 2 weeks my girls and I are going to my hometown to go to the craft show that I love going to. All 6 of my sisters live there and my mom. So we will get to spend time with my mom too. We are looking forward to it. Then when we get back a few days later Bill and I are going to the beach with our friends from Wed thru Sunday. 

[kayc]

I'm glad things are going better for you guys.  It's weird how things work out sometimes.  I'm glad you have a couple of fun things to look forward to!

My sister isn't sleeping well at night, keeps thinking she has to go to the bathroom.  The doctor said it might be side effects from the pain pills she was on, spasms in her bladder?  They may have to send her to a Urologist.  She kind of has a schedule now, wakes up a lot at night, does her PT in the morning, naps in the afternoon.  I still worry about her, hoping she pulls through this with some quality of life.