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Polly

Just when I thought things were getting better....

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it's been 2 months since an update. Nicole went back to work on Nov. 4. Her arm isn't 100% yet but it's getting there. Hopefully in the next couple of months she can find a full time job. 

Bill and I went to the beach at the beginning of October with our friends and he proposed to me. 

It's now half way through November. I have thinking about Bill moving in with me. That is a hard one. I want it to happen. I want to take things to the next level but it's just so hard. I don't know if it's because this is the house that Richard and I shared. Or maybe because I'm worried about what our kids will think. IDK. The kids are all adults. They have all accepted the fact that I need to keep living. I think it is me. I think I'm having trouble with taking the next step. I know Richard would want me to be happy and would want someone to take care of me. 

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I am happy for you, Polly, that you have someone that loves you and wants to be there for you!  Kids aside, how do YOU feel?

Proud of Nicole!  She's worked hard to get where she is.  My sister told me last night that she's making FOUR trips up and down the aisles of the stores with her walker every day now.  She was worried about people stopping and talking to her and I said if she was doing it for aerobic activity that would affect it, but she's not, she's doing it to build her muscles and that won't hurt it because she's still going the distance.

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Idk. When i'm with Bill everything feels right. But when i'm here by myself I question if i'm doing the right thing. I wonder if this is what I want. I have even thought that maybe can't do this. Then at the same time I think that I'm crazy to even think that. Moving on is just so hard. Thankfully he totally gets that because he is dealing with the same emotions. 

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Of course you have mixed emotions, you're still in love with Richard...but then you always will be.  If you lose someone to death I think you have to accept that there will always be two men in your life, not just the one new one.  I'm sure it looks scary to make that leap.  I remember wondering what I'd gotten myself into when I first married George and I'd come home from work and he'd be looking out the window watching for me to come home.  I wasn't used to that.  I was used to being independent not having someone cling to me.  But I can honestly say within two weeks, I'd adjusted.  Even sleeping with him was a huge adjustment.  He'd be all entangled, legs, arms, everything, super close...whereas my kids' dad didn't sleep with me the last 15 years of our marriage!  I was used to being ALONE!  But it was an adjustment, that's all it was.  George and I had a wonderful marriage, a wonderful relationship, I wish it could have lasted a whole lot longer and he was with me still.  Sigh...

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I broke it off with Bill a few weeks ago. He was smothering me. I'm too independent for that. I need my space. He thought he had to do everything for me. I had talked to him about that several times in the past. Just not what I want or need. Things with Nicole has been good. She still is trying to recover for the accident. She still has pain in her arm and leg. I'm sure this is always going to be a problem for her. We have become really close since her accident. We are considering moving. Not sure yet but either moving back to my home town to be close to my 6 sisters and my mom or moving back to Florida. I would love either of those places. There is nothing here in this small town. Rich's family barely talks to me. They don't include me in anything anymore. Sad. It's like, Rich died so you are not part of the family any more. 

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Wow, I didn't know you had SIX sisters!  I thought my family was big, with four sisters and a brother!

I know how you mean with Rich's family not having anything to do with you anymore, that's how it was with George's family.  I guess they only put up with me on his account?  Weird.

Anyway, I hope the move goes well for you and it's a good move (no pun intended) on your part.  Let us know what you decide!

It's good you figured out how you felt before marrying...believe me!

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These past few months have been bad. I broke up with Bill in Nov. I thought it was the right thing to do. The first couple of weeks I felt ok with it. Then everyday I would find myself crying. I tried to move on. That didn't work. Then 3 weeks ago, I went out by myself just to get out of the house. As I was walking in a parking lot to my car Bill drove past me. I didn't realize it was him until after he passed me. I stood there and my heart was pounding. I thought maybe this was a sign. A few days later I decided to message him. We ended up talking on the phone that night for about 2 hours. We have since then decided to try to work things out. Nicole, my 19 year old daughter, isn't happy about it. I have realized that she is the reason that I have kept myself from being with someone that I care so much for. It's a real struggle for me. She is my baby. At the same time, why should I not do what makes me happy? 

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I think your daughter, Jessie, gave you sound advice, Polly.  Nicole may not want her world to change, but it WILL change for both of you as she gets out on her own.  As she matures and sees you as a person and not just an appendage (her mom), she will see it differently.  You need to do what is right for you, just as Nicole will do what is right for her, and I guarantee she won't wrap her life around what YOU think of HER choices.  I wish you and Bill the best!

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Bill and I have been trying to work things out for a little over a month now. It has been going really good. We have been taking it slow. I think the time apart was good for us. Not that it was any fun. It gave us time to really think about things. We both know that we want the same thing. We cant imagine our lives without each other. 

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