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Butch,

I'm glad you're with Allen and his family and have Little Man beside you.  I'm glad there's a group for grandparents with loss, it'll help to have those who understand and relate specifically.  I hope you're treating your heart with kid gloves.

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6 hours ago, enna said:

e. e. cummings  ~ a favorite of mine 

Ditto

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If only I could remove my heart.  But then if I did that I’d miss out on loving my son and grandsons.  💔

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So true.  We need our hearts.

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23 hours ago, R.Everit55 said:

If only I could remove my heart.  But then if I did that I’d miss out on loving my son and grandsons.  💔

Yes, Butch. Exactly. 

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2 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

Butch you are such a kind man.  The times you have inspired me and given me peace are uncountable.  You are always in my thoughts.

Thank you.  I’m just an ordinary man though.  ❤️

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No Butch, you are extraordinary.  And you have got to know that everyone on this forum thinks that the many times you have had to physically fight medically for your heart, as many pieces as it have been broken into, your stays in the hospital and yet you come out in a physical whole piece even though we all know what you really need is some peace.  Butch, you are an exemplary fellow and we all admire you.  It shows us all how to live...................because we have to.  

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I just got out of the hospital for a heart attack and being suicidal.  I made it home though.  But I don’t want to face the holidays then Jan 9th is three years since losing my Mary.  I just don’t know how to face it all.  My heart hurts.  My Noah and Gracie should be here.  My heart aches so badly.  😢💔

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Butch, I wish I knew what to say.  I haven’t lost grandchildren, but I have lost 2 people at the nursing home I loved very much recently.   I’m glad you are out of the hospital but I also know the pain follows us so there is no escaping it.  You are not alone feeling suicidal.  I don’t really like the word as I don’t really want to die but I want the pain to stop.  So I think about going to sleep and staying there as I have no religious beliefs like it would take me to Steve.  It’s also a taboo subject except with counselors.  Can’t just talk about it with people and I get that.  What can they say plus it puts them in a very awkward situation.  It also is a feeling that needs to be expressed.  Carrying it alone makes it worse.  Plus people don’t understand the pain it takes to feel that way and want you to stop feeling it, if only it  Both my counselors have been there themselves so they get it were that simple.

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It can be a common reoccurring thought.  It's so key to find something to live for.  It's hard when you don't have family nearby that cares.  That puts the onus on us to try to build relationships worth living for.  Slow and hard, but worth trying for.

Butch, one thing at a time, first get through today.

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20 hours ago, R.Everit55 said:

I just got out of the hospital for a heart attack and being suicidal.  I made it home though.  But I don’t want to face the holidays then Jan 9th is three years since losing my Mary.  I just don’t know how to face it all.  My heart hurts.  My Noah and Gracie should be here.  My heart aches so badly.  😢💔

Butch I hope you're OK I totally relate. I sometimes have to walk a fine line telling people I have suicidal thoughts but am not suicidal. The pain of this first Christmas without Susan is indescribable even WITH friends and family. This morning a friend was talking about a friend who killed himself and I perked up and said "Oh? How did he do it?" and she said "DONT DO IT" they understand LOL. Best wishes Tom🐼

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11 hours ago, kayc said:

 

Butch, one thing at a time, first get through today.

Kay, even getting through one day at a time is such a real struggle.  I’m trying.  

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Tonight was my friend's birthday.  Six of us always went  out for dinner.  Now there are 5.  I almost did not go tonight.  My back is bad, but that was not the real reason.  I just miss Al so much and these kinds of things emphasize it.  Glad I went, but it sure is not joyfull anymore.

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13 hours ago, R.Everit55 said:

Kay, even getting through one day at a time is such a real struggle.  I’m trying.  

I know.  Break it down into an hour then, or a minute, whatever you can handle.

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I hope you can take some time to care for yourself Butch.  You have been doing so much to look after everyone else and I hope you know it's not wrong to ask for help for yourself.  

I have had so many losses in the past two years that I am reacting to things rather than thinking about how best deal with them.  My losses have been no where nearly as dear as yours have so I can imagine that you could be feeling as unstable as I do.  Fortunately, I have that tiny light guiding me forward.  I think of you, you are a light in many lives here.  

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Hi.  This is Butch’s son Allen.  I wanted to let you know he is in the hospital getting help as he is suicidal.  He’s safe.  He’s not eating drinking or talking.  They have him on IV fluids for hydration and nutrients.  The loss of my mom and Noah and Gracie have overwhelmed him too much.  The third anniversary of my mother’s death is coming on the 9th.  Thank you for always being there for him.  God bless.  

Allen

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Allen,

thanks so much for keeping us informed.  He is in our prayers and glad he is getting help.  Our prayers are for your whole family.

Gin

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It's hard enough getting used to losing our spouse, but to lose so many grandchildren on top of it, that's just been too much for him to assimilate.  I pray they can help him with it.

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