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I dread the hoildays


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On ‎12‎/‎14‎/‎2017 at 6:46 PM, Marg M said:

See why we called him Billy the Kid.  I don't know if I have ever put this before.

billy1.jpg

Marg:  Love this...he looks like he was so much fun.....Cookie

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I have that jacket hanging in my closet mixed with my clothes.  Billy was the type if he found clothes that were comfortable he would wear them till the knees had holes in them, the rear end was torn, or some other disaster.  Sometimes he wore them anyway.  One time he wore a Tee-shirt (often) that advertised a gay and lesbian bar).  He had a sense of humor that sometimes was inappropriate, sometimes I had to explain.  The accountant's name was Mr. Goober.  Billy wanted to know if we called him "Goober" and he politely told us,  no, it was pronounced "Gober".  One time a part didn't work he had bought at True Value and he came in and loudly said he wanted to talk to the man that had sold him this defective piece of crap.  I knew he was teasing but the salesman slipping out the back door did not.  At holidays, especially his holidays, he expected presents.  Our kids had no money and I jumped on him for it and he apologized to them but I took away the fun part of my kids holidays.  So, I admitted to being wrong and he enjoyed getting gifts and to ignore anything I said.  In going through all of Billy's stuff I found boxes of things he never used.  But opening that package, slowly savoring the wrapping, (he never ripped into it), he slowly enjoyed the whole part of gift

My daughter is correct, I don't care to get Christmas presents.  I am Scrooge and I ruin it for other people.  My grandmother was like that.  The only thing I did wrong for my Mammaw was one year I switched up her powdered talcum perfumed powder and perfume, I changed it to another kind.  She let me know she liked the kind I got her every year.  My country grandmother never knew who gave her what.  It went into the big dresser drawers so she could use them the next year to give back to everyone, hence it saved her money, and she did not listen to the sisters saying "I gave her this gift last year."  So far, 1-1/2 Xanax's and I have made it two hours.  God Bless you Merry Gentlemen and Women. 

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Winter break started Friday afternoon; I've been submerging my self in every task I can find, updating/repairing computers, developing new curriculum for a STEM program I'll be starting next year, cleaning the house even though my maid service will be here on Friday, proofing the yearbook; anything to occupy my mind and still, driving home from my lab I sobbed like I have sobbed in months and months. I've had some invitations but I just can't seem to bring myself to the point where I want to be around people, and yet I don't want to be around myself.  Thirty-eight years of incredible Christmases and now I simply want to go to sleep and wake up in 2018.

Hang in there folks, it's almost over. 

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I never expected to feel this way, and like I say Billy never believed in the supernatural at all.  He has been gone 26 months now, but sometimes I feel his presence for just an unmeasured moment and I know that it is just remembering he was with me every day for 54 years and it is only natural to feel he is close.  Even knowing he is gone, it does not stop that from happening.  I realize it is just feeling he was there.  Sometimes it is like I forget where I am and am back in the house, for a moment I forget.  But, he was never in this apartment.  No weird feelings, just a natural feeling that he is near.  I cannot see him.  I'm not that "far gone" that I would even say a word.  (Although I talk to him often.  He does not answer.)

My daughter brought a picture of the both of us laughing, a close up.  She had it made to a bigger picture.  I set it in front of his urn.  I accept the moment of nearness and know it is not psychic........maybe psycho, I would not doubt that, but I would not give it up either.  

I still say my prayers before I start reading.  I talk to Billy and Jesus and not necessarily in that order.  Probably both at once.  I think they understand.

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Cookie, 

It's good to hear from you and am glad your knee surgery is behind you, now the recovery and I hope that goes well.  Take good care of yourself, I hope you're not alone.

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Because of schedules, we celebrated Christmas on the 23rd.  One daughter and family.  Nice time, but my back is still really bad.  Basically cleaned up yesterday.  Now we had snow.  I do not think I can sweep it.  For some reason,  kids around here do not want to earn money shoveling .  A neighbor does the main sidewalk, but I have to do stairs.  I think it will just have to stay there.  That really is the least of my problems.  It just emphasizes the isolation..

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We got snow here too.  Most love it, but I feel trapped.  It isn’t pretty to me as it once was because I wasn’t alone if stuck here.  Going to try and take the car out as I had planned on volunteering.  Rattle is built in a forest so many hills and unfortunately it bein* Christmas not a lot of traffic to clear the roads.  

Ive lost my inner child when I lost my playmate.

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When I first moved to Arkansas 20 years ago, we had snow at least once a year, more usually, and sometimes ice under it. I was a flatlander going into hills, rocks, crystal rocks that will cut a person, totally uneven ground.  I was afraid of breaking my hip, knees, head, and the worse I have done is miss a step and the full weight of my big behind fell on my foot turned.  X-rayed and possibly something displaced, but other than the pain (and I cannot take pain killers), (I'd probably have fell again), I turned out okay for an old gal.  And besides, that was back in Louisiana.  Too much reminiscing today.  My granddad has been gone 62 years and you know, we had 62 Christmases without him.  We missed him.  But somehow this is different.  There is just a day, supposed to be the birthday of Jesus, and I can see celebrating that, we had presents, but my favorite was the enlarged picture that I put the frame in front of Billy's urn.  Now when I look at it we are together, close together, and both laughing.  Not the real thing, but better than it was.  Even a two toothpick width would have been better than nothing.  (That meant nothing at all).  It was better anyhow, at least instead of his urn, I am there with him.

 

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Thanks to La Niña we've only had a light frost two mornings.  It's cold enough, just no moisture in the air.  Went hiking today; 53°; just plain balmy.

 Last year I flew on Christmas day to Austin with my grandson so he could visit his dad.  Walked into a Christmas party and was miserable.  This year I decided to tough it out on my own and let the kids spend time with their in-laws.  Another mistake.  While I was hiking I resolved to spend next Christmas somewhere I've never been, trouble is every place I want to see celebrates Christmas so I'm afraid I'll just be taking my misery with me.  I wish I knew the answer.  Maybe it's time to put on my big boy pants and embrace the unembraceable.  

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You are right, Brad, the feelings just come with us.  Having spent this holiday alone again, I am hoping maybe next time I will be more open to trying new things.  Or maybe a year will get me to a place inside that I can feel some contentment.  Only time will tell.  That would be wonderful if I could relax on my own as I’m not a traveler.  We stopped being partiers on holidays a long time ago.  Throw on the sweats and cozy in was our thing.  We over partied decades ago so we were content.  Comfy being home bodies.  

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23 hours ago, Gin said:

For some reason,  kids around here do not want to earn money shoveling .

I find that in my neighborhood too, people don't think of the elderly or do for them as I raised my kids to.  The kids are all about playing with their expensive toys, not thinking of anyone but themselves.  I saw the neighbor lady paint her house by herself, neither her husband nor four kids lifted a finger to help.  When I raised my kids we ALL painted the house together!
I'm sorry Gin, you're alone and having to do it all by yourself, me too.  I hope it melts soon, you don't need a fall!

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“The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise.” ― Socrates  

I actually thought this was accredited to Plato.  My sister studied all of the Greek philosophers, or whatever they were called.  They were boring then and are boring today.  What would they have done with "rap?"  

Everything has changed since then, but some things stay the same.  

I tease about my Thanksgiving dishes being still in the sink.  Someone asked me yesterday didn't I have a dishwasher.  Why yes, I do.  I just do not like to wash them to put them in a dishwasher that I am going to have to take them out of after washing them.  Seems easier to wash once and put up.  But, I never wrote "Hints from Heloise" nor was I as smart as Erma Bombeck.  

Girls, guys, we got this. No rules, in our own time.  Personally, I use a lot of paper plates, plastic glasses, and plastic "silverware" 

My family is so lazy that once my son (who prefers paper plates) complained because the stiff regular plates could not be used to fold over to get the juice on his cornbread.

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I don't know, Brad, about the "big boy pants."  I was told I needed to put my "big girl pants" on right after John died.  I am quite resistant to that idea and said I don't own a pair.  This is just damn hard and sorrowful no matter how much time goes by.  I had some sweet times this year; was only myself and my daughter, who isolates when she's sad, so it was mostly just me.  I had moments of pure crying just like in the beginning, and I always come around to well he's gone, you have to just figure this out.  I alternate between focusing on looking forward to when I will be with him again to trying to work up some enthusiasm for a future where I can find peace even without him.  We don't know what will happen....anything could, right?  I usually cope with this by hiking and yoga, but this year had arthroscopic knee surgery on the 21st and it's been a struggle.  Being physical as a coping mechanism can be quite a disadvantage sometimes.  I wish I was a couch potato and loved to sit around watching movies, etc.  I can't wait to get back to walking and moving.....wish you all the best and hugs to all...I know this is god-awful for everyone....Cookie

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On ‎12‎/‎25‎/‎2017 at 8:10 AM, kayc said:

Cookie, 

It's good to hear from you and am glad your knee surgery is behind you, now the recovery and I hope that goes well.  Take good care of yourself, I hope you're not alone.

Kayc:  Thanks for the well wishes.  My daughter has been helping me but she's pretty reclusive at times.  I am one of those type A personalities when it comes to physical activities, so I'm my own worst enemy....trying to balance this out.  The problem is, you don't always have good guidelines to follow...they say as tolerated, but that could mean anything, so struggling with that.  It was just arthroscopic, so I'm thinking all will be well regardless.  I know, I'm just being pitiful....all will be well.....good wishes to you....Cookie

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On ‎12‎/‎24‎/‎2017 at 10:50 PM, Marg M said:

I never expected to feel this way, and like I say Billy never believed in the supernatural at all.  He has been gone 26 months now, but sometimes I feel his presence for just an unmeasured moment and I know that it is just remembering he was with me every day for 54 years and it is only natural to feel he is close.  Even knowing he is gone, it does not stop that from happening.  I realize it is just feeling he was there.  Sometimes it is like I forget where I am and am back in the house, for a moment I forget.  But, he was never in this apartment.  No weird feelings, just a natural feeling that he is near.  I cannot see him.  I'm not that "far gone" that I would even say a word.  (Although I talk to him often.  He does not answer.)

My daughter brought a picture of the both of us laughing, a close up.  She had it made to a bigger picture.  I set it in front of his urn.  I accept the moment of nearness and know it is not psychic........maybe psycho, I would not doubt that, but I would not give it up either.  

I still say my prayers before I start reading.  I talk to Billy and Jesus and not necessarily in that order.  Probably both at once.  I think they understand.

Marg:  I also get that feeling that maybe John is here...but nothing concrete.  I always think it's wishful thinking on my part....but, hey, if it works....I would like to think he is here, but then I get mad because I think, well if he's here why doesn't he show himself....then I think I am really losing it.  Oh boy.  I talk to him a lot and the universe....

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6 hours ago, Cookie said:

 I had moments of pure crying just like in the beginning, and I always come around to well he's gone, you have to just figure this out.  I alternate between focusing on looking forward to when I will be with him again to trying to work up some enthusiasm for a future where I can find peace even without him.  We don't know what will happen....anything could, right?

Dear Cookie,

I´m sorry to hear that!It happened to me lately after I found out CD with pics of me and my beloved man.It had fallen down behind the furniture in the bedroom and has been there 6 long years.I still can´t watch them,maybe one day I will.I was crying like at the beginning too.It lasted for a few minutes though,but it hurt immensely.Fortunately the moments like that are rare nowadays,but all the more it hurts then.I´ve had a peaceful Christmas full of joy now and did my best to do not cry as much as I used to do before.It works and this Christmas is the least painful for me since my beloved Jan died.I take it for a progress anyway.I also feel the same as you sometimes,but I try so hard to figure it out,otherwise I can´t go on,and I have to.Life still may be beautiful and we need to make it happen.

5a42f3066f3a7_Smile1.gif.47373a59ce5a6ba6ea68a18df0e7789c.gif

With love Janka

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As for the big girl panties, I don't think that term should come up with regards to grief; it implies we should be able to handle it, something that's not accurate and is actually devaluing of our feelings.  More accurately people should allow us to have our feelings, they are ours to have, and we should be able to take all the time in the world that we need to process our grief.  

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On 12/26/2017 at 1:25 PM, Cookie said:

Marg:  I also get that feeling that maybe John is here...but nothing concrete.  I always think it's wishful thinking on my part....but, hey, if it works....I would like to think he is here, but then I get mad because I think, well if he's here why doesn't he show himself....then I think I am really losing it.  Oh boy.  I talk to him a lot and the universe....

I talk to Susan all the time and I say her response too. I tell her that we were so close in life that she must be able to reach across the dvide to comfort me with her presence, so why doesn't she? She says look 🐼, it's not easy for a spirit to do that. I sent you the falcon and the note and the turtle dream. I can't perform on cue.

I meditate on Susan every night. I have a sort of altar in our bedroom. I try to visualize us in our favorite places like sailing in the BVI. In The Man In The High Castle Mr Tagomi moves to another timeline doing that, but I'm afraid I'm stuck in the one where Susan dies on 3/31.

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On 12/26/2017 at 10:25 AM, Cookie said:

I would like to think he is here, but then I get mad because I think, well if he's here why doesn't he show himself

They don't have the physical body to help them do things.  Like Tom said (for Susan):

 

16 hours ago, TomPB said:

I tell her that we were so close in life that she must be able to reach across the dvide to comfort me with her presence, so why doesn't she? She says look 🐼, it's not easy for a spirit to do that. I sent you the falcon and the note and the turtle dream. I can't perform on cue.

 

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On 12/26/2017 at 8:19 PM, Janka said:

Dear Cookie,

I´m sorry to hear that!It happened to me lately after I found out CD with pics of me and my beloved man.It had fallen down behind the furniture in the bedroom and has been there 6 long years.I still can´t watch them,maybe one day I will.I was crying like at the beginning too.It lasted for a few minutes though,but it hurt immensely.Fortunately the moments like that are rare nowadays,but all the more it hurts then.I´ve had a peaceful Christmas full of joy now and did my best to do not cry as much as I used to do before.It works and this Christmas is the least painful for me since my beloved Jan died.I take it for a progress anyway.I also feel the same as you sometimes,but I try so hard to figure it out,otherwise I can´t go on,and I have to.Life still may be beautiful and we need to make it happen.

5a42f3066f3a7_Smile1.gif.47373a59ce5a6ba6ea68a18df0e7789c.gif

With love Janka

You're so right Janka.  We do need to make it happen if we can.  I just think this is a long, long process, longer than most would imagine.  I've been reading some about brain science.  They talk about how we have all these neural pathways to this person we loved love and loved us. It takes a long time to rewire all this....not that it will ever be complete, but at least you can create new pathways to other love and pleasures....this makes sense to me, I guess because of the science of it.  You strike me as such a hopeful and beautiful person.....hugs, Cookie

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