My dad just passed a month

[roxs]

Hello

 

I find myself going on these forums since my dad died. My mom had had five brain surgeries and we were told that her tumor had come back and they could not operate anymore. My mom has been on hospice now for two years. We were waiting for that moment for her. We did not see coming my father dying. He had been the one taking care of my mom because her last surgery left her talking slow almost like she had a stroke. My father went in for a hernia surgery in June and from there we discovered he had cancer and his body never recovered. He passed away within 5 months he was only 61 years old. 

Every day I feel like we did something wrong like we could have saved him. Every day I wake up I go through the same thing finding ways to save my dad. I go through so many scenarios in my head (even though he passed away already).  I can't listen to any recordings of his voice or videos. On my way to work I cry and scream out to him. The pain is so much sometimes I feel like I'm not going to make it. I did not expect this to happen. This wasn't what we thought would happen. I miss my dad so much it takes my breath away. I miss his voice his laugh the way he would speak. There are 6 kids and we all take care of my mom.  I cry so much wanting to understand why.  Every day I beg god to just make it a dream and I'll wake up and he will be here. I have begged so much.  I rush to go to sleep in hopes that I dream of him. I have not had a dream yet of him. Sometimes my anxiety is to much. I want to get into my car and drive until I find him.  

 

I thank god for my husband. He lost his sister when she was 16 years old to a drunk driver and his mom only made it 2 yrs without her because her pain was to much she passed away at the age of 42. He always guides me because he has experienced my emotions. So many people tell me that everyone dies. Not one person lives forever. We are just passing by in this life.  That gets me thinking that this life is just a dream and one day I to will wake up. 

[iPraiseHim]

roxs,

Welcome to the place many of us come and stayed to make sense out of death of our loved ones.  I asked and wrestled with those questions for many months after the sudden, unexpected death of my wife. We try to make sense of something that is just not in our control.  I searched for anything that i could account for that would somehow make this outcome different.  You are fortunate to have a supportive, loving, and caring husband.  At times. this all feels like a bad dream.

Please feel welcome to come and share your heart.  The people hear understand, care, and support each other in ways most of the "outside" world just doesn't understand. MartyT, has some great resources her to help you on your journey through grief and healing. I will pray for healing, and Peace for your heart and soul. - Shalom, George  

[MartyT]

My dear, I am so sorry to learn of the death of your father and your mother's serious illness. You don't say what, if any, bereavement support you've received so far, but if your mom is on a hospice service, you are eligible for whatever bereavement services they offer (at no cost), and I urge you to ask your mother's case manager how you might take advantage of those services. You need and deserve whatever support you can find ~ and of course you are most welcome to stay here with us as you continue on this most challenging journey. I hope you'll take some time to explore some of the forums you'll find here and, as you come to know us, you will find that you are among kindred spirits. We're all in this struggle together, and we're so sorry that you're now a member of our tribe ~ but pleased that you've found your way here. Welcome. ♥

[kayc]

roxs,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father.  Looking for ways to find a "different scenario" is common in grief, and we often feel guilt even though we don't deserve it.  I think it's our way of trying to find a different outcome, one where they'll still be here.  Know this is part of your grief and not something you did or didn't do.

I hope you will get some grief counseling to help you navigate your way through this.  Not all counselors are trained in grief, so it's important to get a grief counselor.  I'm glad your husband understands what you are going through and is there for you, it's so important to have good support.

I'm sorry also for the anticipatory grief you're going through with your mom.  I'm glad you found this forum, it helps to express yourself and know you're heard.  I hope you'll continue to come here as long as you need.  We'll be here and hear you.  I lost my dad when I was 29 and he was 62, I know how hard that is.

[lovingladyo4]

What a beautiful and touching tribute you give to your dad! Not only was he a remarkable person, but he impacted your life in a way that has shaped you into the person you are today. You have much to be thankful for!

I don't know if the smartest and most intellectual of all human beings that ever lived can grasp the totality of what death means and why it is a fact of life. But God does share with us in his word that he created us because he wants to share an eternal relationship with us. Because of that we can look at our lifetime here on earth as a journey toward reaching that goal. And yet that explanation doesn't remove the pain a person will feel from the loss of a loved one. Even those who love God and believe in his saving grace, still grapple with why death must be a part of our reality. It's moments like this when we need to press in to God and trust in His unfailing love and compassion for us. 

Do you have frequent opportunities to talk with someone about your feelings? I hope there are those who can listen and be there for you. It's ok to experience the pain of grief because it's a deep and complicated process and mourning can take a long time to work itself out. Talking helps release the pressures and uncertainties that surround loss, and crying will help do that too. And please try to take care of yourself too. As hard as it might be, getting rest, exercise, and recreation will propel you to move forward. I would be willing to bet your dad would find great joy in knowing you are still embracing life as a gift, and would want to continue cherishing every second you have. 

Here is something I would like to pass along to you. It is my hope and prayer it ministers to your heart in a very special way. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYpnWx9gnZs