I Don't Know Where I Would Be.

[Rae1991]

First off, I want to thank KayC, Marty and all those who have offered their advice to people who found this site in their search for answers. Though my experience with losing a romantic relationship due to grief began 2 years ago, I found this site at the time and even though I was unable to post then, it has helped me immensely in piecing my life back together, gaining closure and moving on afterward. As I have been on both sides of the spectrum, both the lost, confused griever and the dumpee of a grieving person, I thought I would share my experiences. I changed their names for privacy reasons. Where to begin....

In 2010 I lost my grandfather to cancer. At the time I was a 19 year old college freshman in a 5 year romantic relationship. I am now 26 and a college graduate. My grandpa was one of my best friends and he helped my parents raise my siblings and I. He spent 6 months in hospice before eventually dying from liver failure and cancer caused by decades worth of alcoholism though he was sober for many years before he died, something I did not know until after he had passed. 9 months later in 2011, my best friend of 12 years, John committed suicide, I found his body. In the days following John's death I fell into a state of severe depression, confusion and sadness. I dropped out of school for the semester and nearly quit my job. In the next few weeks, I began to neglect myself, my relationship and my boyfriend, Joe. While Joe was fully understanding and attempted to be supportive, I wasn't allowing him to be nor was I appreciating any efforts he made to comfort me or assist me with funeral arrangements and other things that needed to be done. (It was the opposite of how I acted after my grandfather died). I was extremely hurtful and neglectful, in words and actions towards him because I was hurting, angry and unsure of what to do, but that does not excuse how I acted towards Joe. About 4 months after John's death, I experienced a sort of "mental break" and Joe finally said that he couldn't take it anymore and that I needed to go to counseling if we were to continue our relationship and our plans to wed. At the time, I was resentful of Joe for doing such a thing, but after going to therapy for a few months and being able to understand why I reacted with such intense feelings and the root causes of those feelings, I was grateful to him and thankful he stuck by my side. I learned in therapy that because of my upbringing with emotionally unavailable, extremely religious parents who both had their own issues, and abuse I had suffered as a teenager at the hands of my mother's alcoholic second husband, that many of my feelings and reactions to things such as grief, sadness and anger stemmed from my unwillingness and inability to understand, control and confront my own feelings and issues. As a result, my life as a whole suffered because of it once I became an adult. I essentially spent my teenage/early adult years hiding and running from my feelings and being angry, until my grandfather's death sent me to the edge of the cliff, and John's death pushed me off it. Joe and I eventually split in 2012 after 7 years together after he admitted to cheating on me and then left me for another girl. We have since reconciled and are distant friends now, but I will always be thankful that he encouraged me to seek help and didn't abandon me.

Fast forward 2 years to 2014, I am now nearing 23 and my last semester in college. I had become great friends with a coworker, Alex, and had been since I began working at my job in 2012. I had met and become great friends with Alex's girlfriend Kayla, their kids and one of his other siblings, Sarah. One night after we'd all gone out to dinner, Alex and Sarah suggested that I meet their youngest brother, Tim, because we were both single, the same age and shared a lot of common interests (weight lifting/health, books we liked, movies, tv shows, etc). I was skeptical, but agreed. Alex gave Tim my phone number and we chatted then arranged a date. After 3 dates, and a few weeks of conversation, we began a relationship. We had a lot of fun together, communicated well, talked about our ambitions, goals and shared so many interests that it seemed we never ran out of things to talk about. 14 months into Tim and I's relationship, in September of 2015 Alex and Tim's dad suddenly died of a heart attack. Tim did not even tell me his dad died. The day after, Alex texted me asking how Tim was doing and I had no idea what he was talking about, so Alex informed me. My heart sank and I started to cry. I called Tim and asked him to call me back, he never did. Four days went by and I was worried about him so I stopped over at his house. (During these few days was when I came across this Group and began reading the threads and advice). Tim wasn't home so I left the box of his favorite cookies and a note I had written for him expressing my condolences on his doorstep. A few days later I stopped by his house again after not hearing from him for over a week, he was home this time. He let me in and simply said that he was sorry for not returning my calls/texts and thanked me for the note. I told him that it was a little scary because I grew worried that something had happened to him, but that I understood if he just needed some time to himself. All I asked of him was that he tell me what he would like to do going forward so I can respect his needs. He told me he did need some time to himself. I let him know that if he, Alex, Kayla or Sarah needed help or assistance that I would gladly help them. I had told Alex and Kayla this same thing days earlier. We hugged each other, told each other "I Love You" and that was the last I heard from him until the end in November 2015. Those 3 months were quite hard for me to accept that my relationship had basically ended even though we never actually broke up. We remained friends on FB though I removed his posts from my feed, I didn't delete our photos/texts because at the time it was just too painful. Alex and Sarah both encouraged me to come to the funeral service but I explained to them that out of respect for Tim's wishes, I only sent flowers to his mother (even though his parents are divorced) as I did not want my presence to been misconstrued as an attempt to make Tim change his mind.

Because of what I had begun reading and learning from this Group, I realized the chances of us reconciling were slim to none, despite hoping that maybe we'd be the exception (as all of us here once did). I was still very much in love with him, but after reading Tom, KayC and Miri's amongst others' threads intensively and repeatedly for weeks, I realized that despite our connection, chemistry and love we shared, there were red flags that I failed to notice or overlooked. Something that a user named Ron had said to Miri a few years back that struck me deeply and has stuck with me since, "Walking away doesn't equate to letting them down. You walk away to spare yourself anymore hurt and because it's the right thing to do for them. Walking away is in itself an act of love." One day in November 2015, Tim texted me explaining how sorry he was for hurting me and that he'd like to get together and talk things out. I had extremely mixed feelings by this time because I wasn't sure if it was just loneliness compelling him to do this or that he did truly miss me. I consulted with my friends who knew of our situation and I talked to Alex about this as well before agreeing to meet him. In the back of my mind I was still optimistic, even though I tried not to let my feelings get the best of me. We met over dinner, talked and engaged each other like we always did. I told him that how he acted hurt me deeply and that it has affected my trust in him. Tim asked if I would consider working things out. I said yes on the condition that we slowly work at gaining the trust back and that he communicates with me about how he is feeling as I did not expect our relationship to be normal like it was before his dad's death. Alex, Sarah and Kayla were really happy that we agreed to work things out as over the time we were together, I grew close with his family and siblings. 

About 2 months after we started working things out, Tim began to grow distant again in waves. I let him sort himself out, gave him space when he asked and kept an open line of communication whilst I kept on with my life, hobbies and work while still being a support for him. One night, we were having a conversation about a book I had read that I thought he'd like so I suggested he read it and he then became angry and wouldn't tell me why. He went to bed and I followed not long after. We woke up the next morning as normal and I asked him if he was okay and what happened last night. Tim said he had a "flashback" and that he'd explain after work. So things went about as usual, though he never explained what that meant. Two weeks later, we were at his apartment, we kissed before we left for work, said we loved each other and that we were to meet up for dinner later on. I arrived first and got our table, so I waited for him to arrive. I grew worried after an hour went by thinking he got held up at work, he didn't answer my call or text. Two hours had gone by so I gave up the table and left while I called him again. He never returned my calls or texts. So I called Alex and Sarah the next day to see if they knew where Tim was or if something had happened to him. They had both said they had just talked to him yesterday and that he seemed fine. I didn't hear from Tim again until 4 weeks later when I asked to come and get the few things I had left at his apartment. He coldly texted me saying he would leave them in a box at his front door. When I went to retrieve them, they were not there. I never did get my things back and though they were trivial and replaceable, it seemed like a much bigger ordeal at the time. When I informed Alex, Sarah and Kayla of what had been happening, they were shocked, upset and apologetic to me for his random, callous behaviour.

At that point the saying from Ron I had read in this Group months earlier about walking away, the wonderful advice of KayC and Marty, and the quote, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them" were spiraling in my head in a nearly mocking fashion. I felt so embarrassed, heartbroken and ashamed of myself for allowing him to do that and ignoring my instincts and the advice I had read here. I did however learn valuable lessons from all of this. I shouldn't have been embarrassed because love can make a fool out of even the most intelligent people, no one is immune to that. It wasn't me, it was him. And nothing I could have done or said would have changed the outcome. I had to create my own closure because I wasn't given a choice. It has been nearly two years since I have seen or heard from Tim. Even though at the time I was still in love with him, I blocked him on FB, deleted and blocked his number and removed any photo of us I had. Not because I was mad, but simply because I came to realize that he wasn't the person I fell in love with, after talking with Alex and Sarah it became clear that he had a pattern of this kind of behavior since he was a teenager and that it'd be easier for me to move on without reminders of him everywhere I looked. I also had to take a hiatus from my friendship with Alex and Sarah because they are his siblings, though Kayla and Alex are also no longer together I have remained good friends with both of them, too. I moved away 6 months after all of this because I got a new job and it helped me immensely improve my life, future career and gain my happiness back. I am also about to move again to start Medical School and I honestly don't think I would have made the choice to go back if Tim and I had stayed together. I am no longer heartbroken or still in love with him, nor do I wish him harm, but that experience definitely changed the way I approach dating, who I trust, how I judge potential dates/relationships and how I approach relationships and deal with the conflicts they inevitably come with as well as those I face alone. I was in a very brief relationship of 3 months this past year (2017) in my new city/state with a man named Jay, his grandmother died 9 weeks into our dating. Jay reacted almost the exact same way as Tim did. But this time I had the wherewithal to step back from the situation and assess it accordingly. Jay too asked to reconcile after I made the decision to end the relationship because he was treating me poorly. I declined and have not spoken to Jay since.

If you've read this much, thank you. I know it is a lot of detail. All I have to say is if you find yourself in this situation and come here seeking solace; take the advice of those in this Group by reading their stories and experiences and understand that this is not a unique situation. KayC and Marty offer wonderful advice. If this happens to you, understand that IT IS NOT YOU, IT'S THEM. Yes, you will take it personally to some degree as you experience the grief of losing your relationship, but their grief does not excuse them from treating you like you don't matter. If they were falling into a hole and you reached out your hand, they still wouldn't take it. You have to let them work through it alone if that is what they choose, no matter how much you want to help. All you can do is stop yourself from falling down the hole with them. You need to do what's best for you because if they leave you in a lurch such as this one, it's a clear indication they are already doing what they feel is best for themselves without consideration of how it makes you feel. I know it hurts, but please ask yourself why you would want to be with a person who so willingly and easily throws you away when life gets hard.

Thank You,

Rae

[MartyT]

Rae, my dear, I cannot thank you enough for having the courage and the determination to share the details of your story with all of us. I'm so sorry that you've been hurt like this, but so grateful that you've taken these difficult and challenging life experiences and learned such valuable lessons from them. You sound like a very wise young lady, and I've no doubt that one day you will be an amazing doctor ~ or whatever you decide to become. I also believe that somewhere out there is a man who will recognize the treasure that you are, who will love you as truly and as deeply as you deserve, and who will never let you go. Blessings to you, my dear, and know that we wish you all the success and happiness you so richly deserve.  ♥

[kayc]

18 hours ago, Rae1991 said:

"Walking away doesn't equate to letting them down. You walk away to spare yourself anymore hurt and because it's the right thing to do for them. Walking away is in itself an act of love."

 

18 hours ago, Rae1991 said:

"when someone shows you who they are, believe them"

 

18 hours ago, Rae1991 said:

It wasn't me, it was him.  And nothing I could have done or said would have changed the outcome.

 

18 hours ago, Rae1991 said:

I had to create my own closure because I wasn't given a choice.

 

18 hours ago, Rae1991 said:

that this is not a unique situation.

 

18 hours ago, Rae1991 said:

please ask yourself why you would want to be with a person who so willingly and easily throws you away when life gets hard.

My dear Rae, thank you for sharing your story.  It capitulates so wonderfully, ALL of our stories here, change the names and some of the details, they're uncannily similar.  Yes, enough so I'd call it a classic grief response, although thankfully, the minority have this response.

The above quotes stood out to me, so right on, such sage advice!  I do believe I remember Marty's saying "when someone shows you who they are, believe them"...at least it sounds like something she would say!    

I have remained friends with Jim over the years and am so glad I chose to, but it could not have been possible but for three things.  1) I realized and recognized I needed to put a wall around my heart to protect myself from HIS wavering back and forth as he'd say "I love you" and then disappear for a couple of weeks, I recognized that he did not know what he wanted so I chose to let it go in one ear and out the other as far as I was concerned so he couldn't yank me around emotionally like a yo-yo.  It's so important for us to ultimately do what is best for ourselves and NOT let someone yank us around.  2) His Asperger's weighed in heavily with his only being able to focus on one thing at a time and played heavily into his responding the way he did.  Understanding that helped me not personalize what he did, not judge or blame him, but accept that his response would have showed up in our relationship whether his mom died or not, and it would be very hard to be married to such a person.  Having him as a friend I can accept what I could not accept in a husband, the expectations are different.  3)  I value him very much as a person and enjoy his company, his wonderful sense of humor, even though we mostly talk on the phone and don't see each other often because of distance and commitments.  I consider him worth being in my life but could only do so because I long ago determined (and followed through) to not allow hopes up for anything OTHER than friendship.  It can't work if the two people involved are hoping for or expecting different outcomes.

I like how you have recognized and acted upon doing what is right for YOU.  You focused on your dreams and goals and bettering yourself, and oh my goodness, what an outcome you've had!  I'm so proud of your choices!  The world needs more doctors, especially good ones, and you have a head on your shoulders, I'm excited to see what is in store for you!

It goes to show that even in the hardest times in our lives, we can learn and grow through the experience and not let it bog us down.

I also want to add that the "no contact" is necessary.  We had that for a time and it allowed healing.  It's essential to have healing from your emotions and break the patterns you had before having renewed contact, IF doing so.  I'm glad you had the wisdom to recognize what you did and choose to let him go.  

 

[Rae1991]

Thank you, Marty for your reply and encouragement. There's someone out there I'm sure, but for now I'm focusing on traveling and advancing my career. If I meet him along the way, great! If not, I've still got plenty of life to live, people to meet and places to see. In the past year, I've been to 5 countries and am planning on traveling more this coming year before school starts in 2019.

Kayc, thank you for highlighting some things about my story. It means a lot as I've heard I'm "too young" to give advice. I read your story about Jim and it broke my heart, but I'm glad you were able to regain your clarity, peace, and establish a friendship with him later on. I am only friends with my ex Joe because it took me a long time to forgive both him and myself for the failures that contributed to the demise of our engagement and accept that we were both just too young and hard headed for it to have lasted anyway. Unfortunately, neither of our exes, Jim or Tim had the frame of mind to admit they didn't know what they wanted and caused us even more hurt. I agree that being with an Asperger's person would have made it extremely difficult to maintain a healthy relationship, let alone a marriage whether or not grief was involved. But I'm glad that was recognized prior to the marriage and you were able to remove yourself from the emotional roller coaster he had you on. Your situation resonated heavily with me after Tim's dad died as Tim acted the exact same way, so I took cues from your posts on how to deal with it. Though, as you posted, it took serious effort to pull myself away from it and understand that his "I love you's" no longer meant anything, even though I desperately wanted to believe they did. It was a difficult pill to swallow. And after finding out from Tim's siblings that his father was abusive, his mother was emotionally and verbally abusive, and he had a pattern of yo-yoing the women he'd dated; it made me realize that his issues ran far deeper than anything I could've known and, that maybe he was never truly the person I fell in love with. I don't see a friendship with Tim being able to happen because even though I have forgiven him for my own sake, I get the inkling that he still has a lot of anger and resentment towards me for reasons I will never get the answer to. I do hope however that one day I will be able to find love like you and George had. It seemed like a fairytale and gives me hope knowing that love still exists in a generation of people my age terrified of themselves, commitment, relationships, hurt and love. While I was devastated by my break ups with both Joe and Tim, I am grateful for Joe showing me what love looks like and Tim for making me realize I still had a lot of self work to do and that I was selling myself short in relationships, love, my goals and life. When I asked Joe why he stayed with me through my terrible treatment of him and myself, what he said to me has always been in the back of my mind. "I stayed because I missed you. I missed my best friend. Even if it meant that I had to leave you for refusing therapy, I wanted you to remember who I know you are, with or without me. It would have wrong of me to abandon you because life got in the way. I didn't want to throw away 5 years of us and our future marriage because you forgot who you were for a minute."

[MartyT]

Your contributions to this particular forum are worth their weight in gold, my dear, and again I thank you for sharing your hard-won wisdom with us. Trust me, you are not "too young to give advice." What matters is that you have learned some extremely valuable lessons in the life you've lived so far, and you are humble enough and generous enough to share those lessons with others who come here. They can decide for themselves whether or not your words resonate ~ but sharing your personal story here has added enormous value to this forum, and for that you have my admiration and respect, as well as my gratitude. ♥

[kayc]

You'e never "too young"...that was recognized in the Bible when referring to Timothy, who was young.  Many young people have wisdom, many old people do not, it doesn't have to do with age but whether we learn from our experiences.

This just goes to show, again, that people need to recognize what is right for them and do accordingly! 

[Rae1991]

I heard something interesting the other day that I heard in a YouTube video that is an extension of something I said in my original post. 

"When someone shows you who they are, don't JUST believe them, act accordingly and show them the door."

I agree with that sentiment 100%. As I think just believing them is only the first step, but one too many times we fail to do the second step: Showing them the door. Until it's too late or they've done the same thing a second, or even third time. ☺