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First new year without my partner


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Pauly you have come to this place where people truly understand what you are going through.  That doesn't help much, but it does help.  Read the posts of others and you will find that there are those who are traveling the road you travel, or have traveled the road further than you have at this point.  This is possibly the hardest thing that we do in life, continuing on when our every reason for living has been taken from us.

The love of my life was taken from me just two years ago.  I won't say that my existence is "better" after two years, but I believe that I am learning to cope.

Completely understandable that the holidays have slammed you.  Go easy on yourself.  Sometimes we can only survive a minute at a time.  Anger, guilt, and emptiness follows us.  You will encounter times when you will not feel the burdens as heavily as you do now.  Survive this time, one minute at a time.

Prayers to you Pauly

BillT

 

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37 minutes ago, Pauly said:

Hi all I'm new here. I lost my Wife,best friend and the only woman who could put up with me last March. I've never in my life have felt such pain as if somebody has punched me in the chest, then stood back and said now get on with your life. The past couple of weeks over Christmas and New Year have been horrendous, I know I shouldn't have but I hit the bottle Christmas Day. 

I cannot seem to stop breaking down and sobbing away then there is the anger and guilt, the emptiness....

Pauly, that all goes for me and we're at similar points on the journey, I lost Susan 3/31/17. Welcome. Sharing with others living the same nightmare is one of the things that helps me.

I watched “Good Will Hunting” last nite just because I like Boston movies, and had totally forgotten the subplot that the therapist (Robin Williams) was dealing with the loss of his wife! Gave me a whole new perspective on the film, crying, still feeling it today. Then this morning a friend gave me some pics of us from when we had taken her sailing, looking so happy together doing our favorite activity. That set me off more. So after having been relatively OK for most of yesterday I'm now having a grief attack. I know they pass, but when I'm in them I can't imagine ever enjoying life without her.

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Pauly, I have read books, quotes, etc.  And, the first year or so I had to read things over and over to comprehend.  I guess the grief "fog" lasts longer on some than others, but the grief hangs on.  You have just heard from two of our men and there are more.  I can say the forum saved my life because after 54 years of marriage, there was no reason for me to go on, so somehow, I believe after three days Billy helped me find this forum.  And my Billy did not believe in anything supernatural, so if he could talk, he would probably say he didn't help me.  But, I feel he did.  

I think I am one of the older ones and there are a lot younger that are going through the same feelings you go through and they don't follow a straight path.  And, we all have our own path. 

One quote that helped me does not help everyone.  I knew Rose Kennedy had lost so many members of her family and as an older woman she quoted: “It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”

You are among friends.  Keep reading.

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Hello Pauly,

First of all let me tell you how sorry I am that you lost The One.  So did I, only mine died nearly thirty months ago. Looking back, I remember very little of that first year; I remember what I did for Thanksgiving but not Christmas.  What I remember was hiking, yelling, sobbing, wailing, swearing, not sleeping, not eating, trying desperately to find relief from the pain, reading everything I could find on grief, seeing counselors, support groups, psychiatrists.  The second year wasn't much better.  I channeled my energies in trying to reinvent myself. Trying to find ways to escape, traveling as much as I could, seeing things I've never seen, connecting with people who understood my pain and I could theirs.  I'm still trying to reinvent myself.  I'm still trying to escape.  I'm still trying to figure out who Brad is because we were BradnDeedo for so very long.

As BillT so sagely said: "Go easy on yourself".  You are on a journey that has no travel plans.  Know that we here do understand and are willing to share from our experiences.  Sometimes it helps and other times not so much so but everyone does care.

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2 hours ago, TomPB said:

So after having been relatively OK for most of yesterday I'm now having a grief attack. I know they pass, but when I'm in them I can't imagine ever enjoying life without her.

I still find myself so wishing to share those "good" times with Deedo.  So many things that I want to share with her to see her reaction.  I find that at times I do enjoy myself but those times are unsustainable.  I go to musicals/ballet/symphonies because that was something we never really shared.  I don't go to movies because that is what we did.  When I travel it's to parts unknown to me.  Deedo was married to an Air Force pilot and lived eight years in Germany.  She loved that country, she loved Switzerland, and I can see why, so do I but I can go there only because it was not a place we traveled to together.  

The first year I took the family to Disneyland because Deedo was passionate about it, she never tired of going there.  Now that's done I can't see ever going back.

In March, I'm taking the adult kids on a cruise.  It will be interesting because the last Port of Call is Cozumel, a place Deedo and I went to a lot before she got sick.  We never did a cruise so I'm not worried about that and I did book a scuba dive because that was always my thing, she'd shop and wander around town while I dove.  Just seeing the island may be a trigger in and by itself.

I digress.  The point I wanted to make is that some of us may find ways to enjoy life and adapt to what lies before us but it certainly will not be easy nor will it be quick.

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7 hours ago, Brad said:

I still find myself so wishing to share those "good" times with Deedo.  So many things that I want to share with her to see her reaction.  I find that at times I do enjoy myself but those times are unsustainable.  I go to musicals/ballet/symphonies because that was something we never really shared.  I don't go to movies because that is what we did.  When I travel it's to parts unknown to me.  Deedo was married to an Air Force pilot and lived eight years in Germany.  She loved that country, she loved Switzerland, and I can see why, so do I but I can go there only because it was not a place we traveled to together.  

The first year I took the family to Disneyland because Deedo was passionate about it, she never tired of going there.  Now that's done I can't see ever going back.

In March, I'm taking the adult kids on a cruise.  It will be interesting because the last Port of Call is Cozumel, a place Deedo and I went to a lot before she got sick.  We never did a cruise so I'm not worried about that and I did book a scuba dive because that was always my thing, she'd shop and wander around town while I dove.  Just seeing the island may be a trigger in and by itself.

I digress.  The point I wanted to make is that some of us may find ways to enjoy life and adapt to what lies before us but it certainly will not be easy nor will it be quick.

Like what Brad said i'm due to fly out on the 13th to Ireland to see my parents and then onto London to see my brother, strange thing is i'm getting panic attacks about going somewhere without my Wend. My closest friends say the trip will do me good but for the life of me i can't see how when i seem to struggle with everyday tasks

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6 hours ago, Pauly said:

strange thing is i'm getting panic attacks about going somewhere without my Wend. My closest friends say the trip will do me good but for the life of me i can't see how when i seem to struggle with everyday tasks

Pauly, 

For me it doesn’t matter what I plan, I soon regret making the plans and the closer the day comes the more I rue my impetuousness. I have to force myself into following through. Once I’m there, I do enjoy myself and am happy I forced myself; but it does happen every time I make plans ahead of time. 

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19 hours ago, Gin said:

We had that at Al's memorial also.  His favorites...and The Old Rugged Cross, What a Friend we have in Jesus and Amazing Grace.  He used to tell people that he was old and liked the old hymns.

I'm with Al, Gin...they sing all the new songs on the overhead & with video, but I like the old hymns best.  I'll take either though. :)

 

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19 hours ago, Pauly said:

Hi all I'm new here. I lost my Wife,best friend and the only woman who could put up with me last March. I've never in my life have felt such pain as if somebody has punched me in the chest, then stood back and said now get on with your life. The past couple of weeks over Christmas and New Year have been horrendous, I know I shouldn't have but I hit the bottle Christmas Day. 

I cannot seem to stop breaking down and sobbing away then there is the anger and guilt, the emptiness....

I am so sorry that you have lost your spouse.  No judgment here (about the bottle), totally get it, just a word of caution...it doesn't give the desired effect, it actually can leave us more depressed.  If it weren't for my liver, I might be tempted myself!

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17 hours ago, Marg M said:

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”

So true!

Pauly,

It's been 12 1/2 years for me.  I don't say that to scare you, I'm not in the same place now as I was in the beginning.  In the beginning I wanted to follow suit, I was scared, anxiety fully blown, the pain was horrendous.  Time alone does nothing to heal us, it's what we do with that time that matters.  I want to share what I've learned in my twelve year journey, hoping even one thing will be of help to you.  Print it out so you can read it now and then because right now it's so fresh it's probably hard for anything to sink in and stick.  Such is early grief. 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

  • Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
  • Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
  • Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
  • Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
  • Try not to isolate too much.  
  • There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
  • Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
  • Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.]
  • In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
  • Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
  • Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
  • Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
  • Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
  • Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
  • Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
  • Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

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Hi Pauly, I'm sorry that you need to join our group. The people on here have all gone through the pain of losing our halves, the person that is there for us regardless. The person who loves us unconditionally. They are gone and we have a hole in our hearts that we don't know how to fill.

Every first is the hardest, and for me Christmas and New years is hard every year. Hitting the Bottle is something not to be ashamed of as long as it doesn't become your crutch. You were brave enough to admit it, most of us don't.... 

This is my second loss in nine years and I'm crushed for a second time, but I learned the first time that things get better, you can become complete again. Life goes on and so do we whether we want to or not.

Once you feel up to it. may I suggest that you look for support groups, grief sharing and definitely stay  here. The people here are very wise and supportive. The more things you can involve yourself in, the better. 

I sincerely hope this doesn't sound like a lecture.... just that I care that you're hurting

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Thank you all for your kind words, I know somewhere in the space they call my head that she won't be coming home. 

As far as the bottle goes its a NO from now on, before I came on this site and read all your stories I really believed that grief was something you suffered with for a couple of days and then everything went back to normal. Well how wrong was I. This morning I'm packing before I go to work and  for the life of me I can't think what I want to wear, the Boss always organised me when it came to holidays. 

Well its 3 days to go and i'm suffering panic attacks about leaving here without her, the sudden onset of overwhelming grief is getting more and more often. One of my wife's close friends said she would want me to go, but I just can't that feeling of guilt and dread.

I hope you all have a Lovely weekend and hopefully i'll be sat here next week talking to all.

Pauly

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Pauly......

I wish it was only a couple of days . I'm sorry to tell you that it can last for years. There is no time limit on grief, we learn to live with the pain and sadness. Missing the physical person is the worst part. 

 

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To be quite honest, the only thing that kept me from the bottle (aside from my dad's alcoholic genes and my bad liver) is the fear if I tipped the bottle I might never put it down.  

Pauly,

It's hard going places without them, but I've also found it's something I've had to push myself to do, otherwise I'd be in the confines of these four walls for the rest of my life.  I do hope you are surprised by a smile on your trip.

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Kay... I know the feeling from the first loss. I remember waking up one Friday morning thinking that I need to check if I had enough booze in the house for the weekend. That shocked me, as like you , there is alcoholism is my family and I always said I would never go down that road. That was the end of drinking .

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I'm 26 yrs sober in AA. This has been a big help because part of the program is building a support network and I have been able to use it as a grief support network. Making a call when I'm feeling bad is business as usual for me.  Also we share our "experience, strength and hope" at meetings and in person and that works with grief. My grief counselor is in the program and has written the "12 steps of grieving" at the end of her book. 

The first thing everyone asked me after 3/31/17 was if I'd picked up a drink. Amazingly, I haven't had the urge. Early on I had the thought that if I got drunk enough I could die in an "accident" and it wouldn't be suicide, but I never thought a drink could make things better.

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Tom, 26 years... you must be very proud of yourself. My sister was in AA and I know she had a huge support group. She has never had a loss like we have had and I pray that she is strong enough to not want a drink if her spouse passed. Hopefully she will realize that her group would help her.

Please don't think I'm condoning having a drink. With my second loss, the urge isn't there. This time around my feelings are different, my heart and soul are empty.... I am frozen inside. I don't want to see people, I haven't the energy. I would just be content to sleep the rest of my life away. And yes...having an "accident" would be so simple  But I have children and grandchildren that I could never do that to.

So I patiently sit here and try to find some semblance in my life' I know from experience that it will get better and one day I will be able to laugh and mean it.

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3 hours ago, Lainey said:

Tom, 26 years... you must be very proud of yourself. My sister was in AA and I know she had a huge support group. She has never had a loss like we have had and I pray that she is strong enough to not want a drink if her spouse passed. Hopefully she will realize that her group would help her.

Please don't think I'm condoning having a drink. With my second loss, the urge isn't there. This time around my feelings are different, my heart and soul are empty.... I am frozen inside. I don't want to see people, I haven't the energy. I would just be content to sleep the rest of my life away. And yes...having an "accident" would be so simple  But I have children and grandchildren that I could never do that to.

So I patiently sit here and try to find some semblance in my life' I know from experience that it will get better and one day I will be able to laugh and mean it.

Lainey, thanks. I'm not so proud of myself since I didn't do it myself, but Susan was and the further I was from a drink the better our marriage got. I thought I knew how to use my support group, but nothing that came up before came close to the pain of losing Susan.  I had thought that crashing and burning from alcohol (it was ugly) was my worst nightmare, but compared to losing Susan it was nothing.  At first it was almost like the tools of the program didn't work any more. But I know it has helped even when I'm so miserable that I can't believe things could be worse. I hope your sister will grab that lifeline if she ever enters grief world. BTW I'm sure that a few drinks would help some people in grief - that's just not me.

 

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My uncle turned to alcohol when my grandma died. She was his whole life and lived together. I remeber he called in the evening and was drunk. I was too young and ignorant an labelled him as "weak". Now, I can understand him and his pain, and I regret having treated him bad. 

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21 hours ago, TomPB said:

I'm 26 yrs sober in AA. This has been a big help because part of the program is building a support network and I have been able to use it as a grief support network. Making a call when I'm feeling bad is business as usual for me.  Also we share our "experience, strength and hope" at meetings and in person and that works with grief. My grief counselor is in the program and has written the "12 steps of grieving" at the end of her book. 

The first thing everyone asked me after 3/31/17 was if I'd picked up a drink. Amazingly, I haven't had the urge. Early on I had the thought that if I got drunk enough I could die in an "accident" and it wouldn't be suicide, but I never thought a drink could make things better.

I agree.  All joking aside, my father was alcoholic and I never had any desire to follow in those footsteps, although I do think it's which genes we inherit or don't, I'm fortunate that I didn't. My kids' dad and I raised them as teetotalers because with alcoholism on both sides of the family, we didn't want to contribute to it in case they got the gene...which thankfully my daughter hasn't and my son has elected to never have that first drink and find out.  Smart man.

I know alcohol is not a fix for anything, it's an escape and not a great one at that.  There's no way through this grief but straight through it, pain and all.  It's important to let ourselves feel the pain and all of our feelings so that we can process this grief and find our way through it, and there IS a way through it, even if one thinks there is not.

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49 minutes ago, kayc said:

I agree.  All joking aside, my father was alcoholic and I never had any desire to follow in those footsteps, although I do think it's which genes we inherit or don't, I'm fortunate that I didn't. My kids' dad and I raised them as teetotalers because with alcoholism on both sides of the family, we didn't want to contribute to it in case they got the gene...which thankfully my daughter hasn't and my son has elected to never have that first drink and find out.  Smart man.

You'd think those with alcoholic parents would not follow, but I can't count how many times I've heard "I realized I'd become my father"

49 minutes ago, kayc said:

I know alcohol is not a fix for anything, it's an escape and not a great one at that.  There's no way through this grief but straight through it, pain and all.  It's important to let ourselves feel the pain and all of our feelings so that we can process this grief and find our way through it, and there IS a way through it, even if one thinks there is not.

Seems that's right, unfortunately.

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3 hours ago, kayc said:

alcohol is not a fix for anything, it's an escape and not a great one at that. 

That's because alcohol is itself a depressant ~ and something we certainly don't need when we're already drowning in sorrow!

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18 hours ago, MartyT said:

That's because alcohol is itself a depressant ~ and something we certainly don't need when we're already drowning in sorrow!

For sure!

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