Back to the beginning

[Brad]

I’m still trying to find my “new” life. The loneliness can be suffocating. I have two friends, both of whom I love dearly but I am not in love with either of them. I find I don’t wallow as much when I’m with them and we can open up with each other, being frank and candid about our lives. That is a rarity, too often people cannot handle reality, they want a fantasy. Sadly, these two friends are far enough away that it means getting on occasion, leaving far too much aloneliness time.

As with Tom; Deedo was the reason I loved my life. I am happy staying passionately in love with her. But it would be nice to have someone to share the quiet times with. I might even find myself actually watching a movie rather than wandering aimlessly as the noise breaks the silence. 

[scba]

2 hours ago, TomPB said:

It will be "different".

I hear you Tom. Been told the same from my therapyst. About a possible future relationship. I know it is pointless to think of it, but I do, what "different" would be and feel? I am not sure if I want to find it out, if I will ever dare to explore the difference. To be alone is heartbreaking, to expose my heart to Be broken is fearing. If only Different, I would ask for peace. 

[Shoosie2]

Hi Kevin,

You and are in the same boat, without an oar. My Rick left this earth on December 20, 2017 and today is February 6, so it's been 7 weeks of trying to make some kind of sense out of my now bizarre existence without him. I was feeling pretty good for the past week, with no crying, just some choking up. Then the roller coaster started again yesterday, and I cried for so long and so hard that I ended up with a major headache and unable to sleep  (not that sleep is a readily-found commodity in my home anymore). I feel exactly like your headline- back to the beginning- I feel just as bad today as I did back in the early days in January, and I'm so sad and blue today. I have to force myself to smile at anything, and seek something pretty to color my bleak word. It's a very early spring here in Northern California, and the daffodils are coming out, and the almond orchards are blooming. So I have to appreciate that beauty and force myself to think of something besides missing my husband.  My bandaid has been torn from my broken-heart wound, and now I have to wait for the scab to heal up again. This is so exhausting!

FYI, I have discovered a website Meetup.com where people of all ages meet up to go to meals, hiking, dancing, meditating- really anything you want to do, there is a meet up group for that. This is NOT a dating site- it's a social group website. I thought I see what's available in my area, but right now, I'm not good company for anyone. Last Friday I was going to do a Meetup  bird watching group, but today I can't think of doing anything with anyone because they are not Rick.  I feel like an addict- I've had a relapse on grief and I'm back to square on.

Hugs to All who are going through this SUCKY process. I am trying to console myself that at least he's not suffering or in pain, and that makes the grief a bit easier.

Steph

[Gwenivere]

Steph, you are so new in this grief hell.  Everyone here could probably tell you that the first year is so terribly hard.  Grief is our response to the monster of death that rips us apart to the core.  I’m so sorry you are here because of it, but glad you found us.  You can say anything you feel safely in our family.  I couldn’t do anything social in the beginning.  I was too disconnected from the reality I knew.  I just robotically did what I had to.  Keep talking here and you will find nothing you feel is abnormal.  That we truly need as the outside world does not understand this til it happens to them.

[kayc]

@Shoosie2 

Welcome to our site, although I'm sorry for the reason.  Losing your spouse is no doubt one of the hardest things you'll ever go through.  I remember being in shock, didn't see how I could live without him a week, let alone the rest of my life.  My heart goes out to you in your loss.  

This is what I've learned over my twelve year journey, and I want to share it with you in the hopes that even one of these "tips" will be of help to you.  It's a lot to absorb at once, you might want to print it out and read it every once in a while, because what might not strike you now, might later as our grief is ever evolving.
 

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.