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Getting so lonely....


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Well, I am in another crisis of loneliness....one in which I crave John's touch and presence but I know that is not going to happen now.  In the beginning, I used to think I could conjure his spirit up and actually tried so hard sometimes.  Reality is setting in at 2 1/2 years.  I actually googled dating sites for widows/widowers and found a place called widowsorwidowers.com.  Anyone heard of it?  It's funny, I got in there and felt horrible just being on the site for a lot of reasons--am I giving up on John (even though I know he's gone), could I really spend time with someone else, etc.....after you've had close companionship and love for so many years, it's debilitating to go without it....also, I'm an older woman.  Does anyone else struggle with this?  I would give anything to have him back, but I try to imagine the rest of my life without closeness....it's a very bleak picture.

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Cookie, I think I am in that lonely crisis all the time.  I do not know how to handle it.  No one could ever take the place of Al.  It would be great to have some company, but I probably will do nothing.  Let us know how that site works out.  Age is a problem for me, also.  I just want some company.

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I’ve never considered looking at dating sites, but I sure can relate to the absence of human contact.  It’s definitely hard after decades to try and adapt.  I’m going into my 4th year.  I’m so messed up by it I thought it was the 3rd.  I don’t think you are invalidating John, just feeling human.  Only you can decide what feels right.  Perhaps giving it a shot or just looking was enough.  There certainly are no rules.  But yes, I struggle with it.  I had an opportunity but when  thinking of all that dating and work to get to know one another it felt too overwhelming.  I had an opportunity but I really didn’t feel that way towards the guy.  If anything I want some companionship, male or female that understands how this changes your whole life which a widow/ers site would be a bonus.    

I’m also leery of websites.  Being scammed and such.  It happens a lot to vulnerable people.  Just saying.    

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Loneliness has no age restrictions. I would enjoy having some companionship. I have perused some of the dating sites, but it goes against my nature and my pocketbook to pay for obtaining a date. Why not just hire a gigolo? lol  Seriously ,the men I found in my age bracket were looking for women 25 years younger and not for companionship. It was kind of creepy and frightening to me. In reality, I think I was looking for Ron and of course, he wasn't there.

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Cookie, you are not alone in feeling the loneliness and I'm at 2 1/2 years also and you are right reality is really setting in.  I thought moving closer to family would change that feeling and it did a very very tiny bit, but the companionship, that certain touch and the look of love I use to get can't be matched by family.  I have no desire to do the dating thing, that is just too overwhelming to me, but like has been said above, it would be nice to have a in person companion that understood this feeling and didn't really want more than just to be my friend at this point.  I know I will not find Dale, wish I could, but at least a friend that understands would be great.  Hugs to you all

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I am not dating but I do enjoy going to musicals, ballets, symphonies, dinner, hikes, with ladies I know who are also grieving.  To those outside looking in it looks like dates except for both of us it is simple companionship.  I can only put up with myself for so long.  When I travel on tours, I'll purchase two tickets to every concert I attend and always have found a taker for the second ticket.  For me it is so nice to have an evening or a day of conversation and human contact.  I have a friend who enjoys joining me.  She is still married.  Her husband has advanced Lewy Body's disease.  It is not romance, it is simple friendship and we are able to commiserate and share with each other.  I haven't found that in those who don't understand.  They are the ones who want to fix that which is unfixable.

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I have found a friend that I am close to and spend a lot of time with. It dosent ease my grief however. He feels more for me than I do for him, but accepts me for who I am. I dont think, after losing 2 men who I was deeply in love with that I will ever find that connection again. I have resigned myself to that and go throuh the days looking forward to once again being with the two who made my life complete. Perhaps after these losses the heart won't allow me to love again to that degree.

 

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Like everyone else I'm lonely but I can't even fathom another relationship. I have to find my way to some sense of peace and happiness on my own. My grief is forever and so are my memories. It sounds bleak in a way, but it's what my mind says and I'm working it out the best I can 24 hours at a time.

Tammy was my once in a lifetime love. 

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I can't imagine finding anyone with George's spirit, zest for life, love, sweetness, beautiful communication, relates as I do, let alone chemistry, and how we fit together so well in each other's lives.  When I think how easily our adjustment was with each other when we married, it was truly amazing.  And I don't want to settle.  I was one already conned in my grief fog, not going to make that mistake again out of desperation!  If I could, I'd have lots of friends, male or female, just people to do things with, talk to.  I have a couple of male friends I can talk to, but I'm not about to go to a dating site.  The thought of dating gives me the heebie jeebies, and yes, most of the men on them are looking for something else like you said.  I've resigned myself to living my life out alone but it does get hard sometimes, everything on me, my shoulders, no one else to help make decisions, do everything, pay for everything, and most of all, no one that loves me and wants to hold me.  Plus, George was such a delight to cook for!  He loved everything, appreciated everything!

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I have friends.  I have companionship.  I have many family members who depend too much on me.  I usually go to stores with my head usually held down, cannot be too careful where I step.  I am not looking for anyone, anything.  I had 54 years, I consider myself fortunate but miss him terribly.  The little woman that had remarried, in the wheelchair in front of me in Walmart waiting for her medicine, she said "it's not the same."  OMGosh, I hope no one looks for "just the same" because it is not going to happen.  I give one of my friends thumbs up, although she is at the hospital, clinic with him constantly, but hey, that takes up her time for the last more than 12 years.  Heart attack on their honeymoon, almost complete care for this new husband ever since.  Went to the nursing home to see one of Billy's friends (and mine) and his wife.  My feelings............I don't know.  I did not cry.  

I find myself remembering things my mama said.  She had her faults (I know, I probably inherited many), but she had her good points also (I wish I had inherited) and a life of hearing her quote the poets and the Bible, there were times that I thought Shakespeare wrote the Bible she quoted him so often, but other ones also.  Mama said there was the thin line between insanity and genius and I really believed it, I knew she felt she walked that thin line often.  I felt she did also.

“The old order changeth yielding place to new And God fulfills himself in many ways Lest one good custom should corrupt the world. Comfort thyself: what comfort is in me I have lived my life and that which I have done May he within himself make pure but thou If thou shouldst never see my face again Pray for my soul. More things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams of.” ― Alfred Tennyson

There are those that will find others.  I am too old and for some reason, that is a comfort to  me.  But, never try to compare.  

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19 hours ago, Gin said:

Cookie, I think I am in that lonely crisis all the time.  I do not know how to handle it.  No one could ever take the place of Al.  It would be great to have some company, but I probably will do nothing.  Let us know how that site works out.  Age is a problem for me, also.  I just want some company.

Yeah Gin, I have no idea of how to go about this.  I met John at 18 and we were together for 47 years.....not really the dating queen, and I just want a friend and companion too......I'll keep you posted, though.

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19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’ve never considered looking at dating sites, but I sure can relate to the absence of human contact.  It’s definitely hard after decades to try and adapt.  I’m going into my 4th year.  I’m so messed up by it I thought it was the 3rd.  I don’t think you are invalidating John, just feeling human.  Only you can decide what feels right.  Perhaps giving it a shot or just looking was enough.  There certainly are no rules.  But yes, I struggle with it.  I had an opportunity but when  thinking of all that dating and work to get to know one another it felt too overwhelming.  I had an opportunity but I really didn’t feel that way towards the guy.  If anything I want some companionship, male or female that understands how this changes your whole life which a widow/ers site would be a bonus.    

I’m also leery of websites.  Being scammed and such.  It happens a lot to vulnerable people.  Just saying.    

Gwen, that is part of my uneasiness...the not knowing who you're dealing with.  I also met a man through a friend of mine, her brother.  He wanted to date but I didn't have the interest in that respect towards him.  He ended up finding a woman who really liked him and they are dating.  This is so hard.  Don't know if I'll do the site, but I hate remaining stagnant and doing nothing.  Right now, my knee is keeping me from doing what I usually do when I get like this which is hike and yoga.  It's driving me crazy...maybe that is what this is about....

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19 hours ago, KarenK said:

Loneliness has no age restrictions. I would enjoy having some companionship. I have perused some of the dating sites, but it goes against my nature and my pocketbook to pay for obtaining a date. Why not just hire a gigolo? lol  Seriously ,the men I found in my age bracket were looking for women 25 years younger and not for companionship. It was kind of creepy and frightening to me. In reality, I think I was looking for Ron and of course, he wasn't there.

Karen:  Would just like to find a regular man out there, preferably who knows what this grief thing is all about and is looking for the same thing, someone to spend time with, laugh, have good conversation, etc., that's all....seems so simple, but apparently isn't....

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17 hours ago, Brad said:

I am not dating but I do enjoy going to musicals, ballets, symphonies, dinner, hikes, with ladies I know who are also grieving.  To those outside looking in it looks like dates except for both of us it is simple companionship.  I can only put up with myself for so long.  When I travel on tours, I'll purchase two tickets to every concert I attend and always have found a taker for the second ticket.  For me it is so nice to have an evening or a day of conversation and human contact.  I have a friend who enjoys joining me.  She is still married.  Her husband has advanced Lewy Body's disease.  It is not romance, it is simple friendship and we are able to commiserate and share with each other.  I haven't found that in those who don't understand.  They are the ones who want to fix that which is unfixable.

Brad:  Most of the men I know are part of a couple (heck, most of the men and woman I know are) and the ones who aren't, well I can't imagine inviting to do something.  I did invite my friend's brother to hike and he interpreted it as romantic interest.  Seems like it's easier for men to branch out....am I right or wrong.  I think what you are doing is a great idea. You seem to have hit on something.  I'll find my way....or keep trying. 

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3 hours ago, mittam99 said:

Like everyone else I'm lonely but I can't even fathom another relationship. I have to find my way to some sense of peace and happiness on my own. My grief is forever and so are my memories. It sounds bleak in a way, but it's what my mind says and I'm working it out the best I can 24 hours at a time.

Tammy was my once in a lifetime love. 

I understand that too, Mitch.  I don't even know how it would be for me to be with someone else....I think I'm so lonely for John I feel like I can't stand it sometimes, so I start asking myself what else can I do.  He definitely was my lifetime love also, and I feel a little angry that he's gone.  I guess that's why in reality I'm just looking for a friend......

 

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Thanks for all of your feedback.  There is important perspective in each of your posts.  These are hard things to talk about but it's nice to have others to talk about them with.  Appreciate you guys...Cookie

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I have two thoughts/emotions in total conflct. 1. Susan was my one and only. 2. I'm so lonely, I want another partner.

OMG how would I handle another romantic relationship? Could she do anything I wouldn't compare to Susan? How would she feel when (not if) I had a grief attack? Turning it around, Susan loved me with warts and all. Am I gonna start worrying about what impression I will make on another person after 48 yrs of perfect understanding?

But I do want to do couples things eventually. I want to go sailing with someone to sleep with me in the vee-berth. I have a female friend I consider my non-girlfriend. We go to dinner frequently and she gave me an expensive Christmas present. If I asked her sailing that would look like the next step in romantic escalation, right? Could I share the vee-berth and tell her I can't currently imagine sex with a non-Susan? Awkward.

A very confused Tom🐼

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Like the woman told me "it's not the same" and certainly it should not be.  If your looking for the same, quit looking.  That person was someone you molded into the people you both were.  It might have taken you 30 years and more to do it.  You cannot mold another person into John, Tom, Harry, Shirley, Jane, Tina, or anyone else..  They  are who they are and lets hope they do not want to mold you into someone they lost.  You have to meet on even ground and start over.  If some of her/his mannerisms are like your former partner, that is great, but there are going to be dark times that they do not compare and it is unfair to the other person to think they should.  Three of my older friends (same age as me) seem to be very happy.  Myself, I have had so much illness that I do not want to share my life with anyone else.  I had never been married but the once though, so I have nothing else to compare happiness and unhappiness with other people.  Some of you do and that gives you a different perspective on other relationships.  You have the experience to know there are different relationships.  That might make it easier to share another.  

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Cookie and Tom, you might consider exploring all that Soaring Spirits International has to offer. They are all about connecting widowed people with one another. I know that many people have made wonderful connections with other widows and widowers through their various programs ~ most notably Camp Widow. See Our Mission to learn more.

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5 hours ago, Cookie said:

Seems like it's easier for men to branch out....am I right or wrong.  

Cookie, I really don't know if it's easier, I speculate that there are more widows than widowers but have nothing to support that.  It also wouldn't surprise me if men were more prone to misinterpret gestures of companionship and friendship, taking them for something more.  I mentioned my friend; she has problems with men in her support groups; she is still married although her husband has been nonresponsive for the most part for over two years; all the same she is married and some men struggle with that.

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I quit going to my support group because it was all kinds of grief and there were more people who had just recently lost children.  I left the meetings crying and worrying about the young man lost in the woods hunting that had just eaten the beef stew (his favorite) at his mom's house.  Of course he was gone.  (I have such a problem saying the real words.).  Just women.  And I have said this before, when I asked why men were not involved the answer was an off-handed "Oh they just remarry."  I knew that was not the correct answer and after meeting a man who lost his wife of 49 years when I bought my car, I could tell, he just wanted to talk.  I'm sorry, I was buying my first car without Billy with me, (although he would just stand back and let me choose) and I hope I was not "short" speaking to the man.  Actually, it was raining hard, and I just wanted to run away, I was not thinking clearly.  Now, I would let him talk.  Then, I was trying to escape..  And from this forum, men have pain and grief also, and somehow, the pain and grief all seem the same.  Men and women.  We are all the same, but it is true, sometimes we come from different cultures.  I was going to send off the whole family's DNA sometime or the other to Ancestry.com.  I just did my sisters for her birthday gift.  I know mine would be some different.  I so very much wanted us to have Native American, but dammit, we are the ones who came over and took the land away from them.  Red hair and freckles, the tribes would have made me sleep outside the tents.  

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