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A&K

To my children with immense love

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Noah, our first born.  Our oldest son.  You will forever be the heart of this family.  You were a great big brother.  You are our pride and joy.  For 12 years you made us so proud.  You’ll always make us proud.  

Lily and Lila, our first baby girls.  I’m sorry God brought you to us much too early.  I’m sorry we couldn’t do more to help you survive.  You girls are our tiniest princess’.  Thank you for fight so hard   

Gracie girl, our sunshine and pure happiness  You were born early too but you were so stubborn you wouldn’t settle for anything but living   And that’s just what you did for a year and a half   We are sorry the RSV pneumonia took such a huge hold of your little body   You will always be our princess   

Our four heavenly angels live in mommy and daddy’s hearts like a lifeline   We will hold onto that for all our days   We love you so much and miss you   😘 

 

 

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I love you son.  I know you miss your babies.  😢💔

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Your dad was telling you that because it was (and is) the truth, Allen. His love for you has nothing to do with the pain and grief he was no longer willing or able to bear. Just as your love was not enough to save him, neither was his love for you. The love you have for and from your dad has not died with him. Hold onto it. It's real and it matters. 

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Because he did love you.  Marty is right, it has nothing to do with his love for you, it had to do with his own inner pain.  He still loves you, his act was not loving, but sometimes we have to separate an action from the person and forgive them and realize that wasn't all there was to them...it was the action that matters to you in this moment but the love matters too.  I know that probably doesn't make sense.

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I’m really questioning his love right now.  I mean I know he loved me and all of us but it’s really a struggle to not question how much love.  I just don’t know.   But I appreciate your words.  ❤️

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Oh Allen and Katie,

I can only imagine how very confused you are right now about your dad’s love for you but we do know how very much he did love you.  In my opinion, it is perfectly normal for you to be questioning everything right now.  One significant loss is almost unbearable for us to comprehend let alone multiple losses.  Let me share one thing about your dad that I found about him over the last years.  Your dad and I have been emailing ever since your mom passed.  He struggled with her death and the love he had for her always came through in his emails or in what he shared on the forum.  Your dad had tremendous love for his family.  His struggles were inside himself.  He was so proud of you, Allen, and he truly loved you, Katie.  His heart tore opened a little each time there was a death of one of your precious babies ~ his grandbabies.  At times he was not even able to put into words the ache he was feeling.  I believe that only a very deep love would be capable of this.  He worked so hard in trying to understand all the multiple losses in such a short period of time.  I believe that at times like this there are no words that can comfort us rather what is needed is a willingness to listen.  Most of us do not have advice to offer during a time like this but we do have hearts that can open to each other and listen.  I am here for you as are others on the forum.  We will listen even though we will not be able to answer most of the questions you and Katie have. I will continue to carry your family in my heart as you walk through this very dark place right now.  Light will come because of the love you have for each other.

I love the pictures of the kids that you share with us.

Anne

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21 hours ago, A&K said:

I’m really questioning his love right now.  I mean I know he loved me and all of us but it’s really a struggle to not question how much love.  I just don’t know.   But I appreciate your words.  ❤️

I can understand that.  We've all heard "actions speak louder than words", yet I know he did love you!  This is not fitting with everything I knew about him, I just wonder he didn't become very overwhelmed, after losing Gracie...  I know you also suffered those losses, I don't know why one person handles something and another doesn't, but I remember an article Anne posted a while back about resilience being so important to our grief journey, and I think that does have something to do with it.

You're in my prayers.  It's okay to question, it's okay to have adverse feelings, they are what they are and they're our own, nothing right or wrong about them.  You will work through this in your own way, in time...

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This is Katie.  I’m grieving for Gracie and Noah and the twins.  But my husband and nine year old son are both grieving for my FIL.  Butch is deeply missed.  And we want to know why he took his life and couldn’t stay with us.  This pain is grueling.  I want my family back.  I want joy and freedom and everything.  😢💔

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Keeping you in thoughts and prayers.  I wish I could give you joy and a happy heart...

 

hugs-gif-16.gif

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11 hours ago, A&K said:

And we want to know why he took his life and couldn’t stay with us.  

Katie, my dear, please read this: Worried about your friends? How to talk about suicide  ~ most especially this:

"This is a crappy reality: you can’t save everyone. You can do the best you can, make all the right moves, say all the right things – and the ultimate decision belongs to your person. Global News Radio host Kelly Cutrara and I discussed this very thing, and why it’s so important to know the difference between supporting your person and saving them. Listen in to our conversation at this link."

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Katie, 

I wish we could all go back to that morning and stop him, but you can't stop what you don't know.  You guys tried, he was in therapy, getting help, you were supportive of him, you shared your children generously with him.  Suicide is a sad fact of life.  :(

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Dearest Allen,

As I have first hand knowledge of being left alone because of suicide I can tell you that I believe the love your Dad felt for you on any given day in your life was not diminished near his final hours.  His death was not anything to do with you.  He was sick and it was his mental illness.

It is hard to accept that this could be true, but that is what the stigma of suicide does.  It makes us disect everything we thought about that person and ourselves.  A person who is suffering with depression can get to a point where they do not think rationally.  I think once people see suicide and mental health as a possible fatal disease like cancer and death things will be better.  That won't happen for me and probably not so much for my 31 yr old son but I think that it can happen in your children's lifetime.

Sending you and your beautiful Katie sisterly hugs ❤️🙏. I hope my words have a positive effect as that is all I want for you and your family.

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Amen!

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I know for me suicidal thoughts have always been a fight for me. I had a pretty rough childhood and depression, so I always felt worthless. I'm now 40 disabled with epilepsy and brain damage on both sides of the brain. I still loved my Boy more than life itself. He seen me fight with it a few times. The fear it put my Son in really frightened me. I started playing more and talking with my Son we got close. Everyday though I still felt worthless but love my Boy more than ever. You should know he loved you. Depression is a hard battle for me now more that Jacob's not here. I still love my Boy, He loved you.

I hope I'm not out of place here and that some of my words helped.

God bless you and your family. 

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