Double the grief and drowning in sadness

[GRAMMY50]

On January 6th my mother passed away after a difficult year of declining health. I was just beginning to grieve this HUGE loss and 3 days later, I received word from my oldest son that his wife who was 20 weeks pregnant had just learned that their baby had an extremely severe brain malformation and would not reach full term. The following 3 weeks were filled with multiple specialists and testing which confirmed the prognosis.   On January 31st my beautiful granddaughter Eleanor was born at 23 weeks and lived for only 30 minutes.  She was so absolutely beautiful and perfect on the outside.  My son and his wife delivered Eleanor just 1 year and one day after suffering their first miscarriage.  They have an amazing 5 year old, son who is autistic, and he is the love of my life and theirs.  They have wanted so desperately to grow their family and these losses have been beyond devastating.   I find myself today struggling tremendously in my grief. I’m doing everything I know how to support them emotionally and yet it feels so completely inadequate, and at the end of the day I am left with my own sadness that feels so overwhelming, it takes my breath away.

[kayc]

Grammy50,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and the loss of your grandbaby.  July 25 was the due date of my daughter's long awaited baby, but she lost her child.  It's very hard to see their hopes and dreams dashed.  We want beyond anything to make our kids' worlds right and it feels so helpless to stand by and watch them going through things...things I went through myself and wouldn't wish on anyone.

And the loss of your mother too.  I lost my own 3 1/2 years ago, and even though I expected it would come, she'd had dementia and leukemia, the finality hits you all the same.  There is no way to prepare for the loss of someone, whether we know ahead of time or it catches us off guard, it is still hard.  I am so sorry for all you are going through.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/04/in-grief-coping-with-multiple-losses.html 

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/02/parent-loss-continuing-their-song.html 

 

[MartyT]

We share in your sorrow, Grammy50. Grandparents grieve twice: not only for the grandchild who died, but for their own child as well. It is hard enough to be in pain yourself, but for a mother, harder still to see your children in pain. And in addition you are mourning the loss of your own mother as well. I'm so sorry!

In addition to the readings that Kay has offered, you may find this one helpful, too: Silent Grief: Pregnancy and Infant Loss ♥

[kvolm]

As a new grandma myself, my heart aches at the thought of losing this precious first grandson.  So I can imagine that your reality is SO MUCH MORE overwhelming than I know.  I am deeply sorry for this pain that you are carrying with both of these losses.  We read so much about the difficulties of being in this "sandwich" season when we are juggling and struggling to be invested in the lives of both aging parents and adult children.  But even in all my reading, I don't think I had a sense of what life would be like after the deaths of my parents and in-laws.  On one hand we are released from stress but only to replace it with the sadness and grief.  Do you feel like you must be "strong" for your son and daughter in law or could you help one another by walking through this sorrow together?

[GRAMMY50]

Thank you all for your response. I seem to be stuck in this space where so many key people have fallen off the radar in my circle. I'm struggling and not needy by nature so I'm not the kind to "ask" for someone to check in with me.  But I literally feel like screaming out "I'm not ok"  could someone who is suppose to notice please just  NOTICE?? 

I know people grieve in a huge spectrum of ways. So I feel like I am really aware if this.  (I am actually very involved in peer support for law enforcement we educate people on PTSD, trauma, depression ect) so I have a pretty extensive understanding. Yet here I am living it and it's beating the hell out of me. And I'm feeling a bit abandoned.

Anyway, thank you for allowing me to purge.  I needed it..

[kayc]

I'm sorry you are feeling abandoned.  That seems to be all too common.  When I lost my husband, all of our friends disappeared on me, it was hard enough to lose him, but to lose everyone??!!  My family hung in there but they didn't have a clue what I was going through except my mom and she had dementia so even her understanding soon disappeared as she forgot my husband.

I found that this was a very good place to come to where people got it, understood, and cared.  This place was a lifesaver to me.  It would have been good to sit across from someone though. 

[MartyT]

 

9 hours ago, GRAMMY50 said:

I literally feel like screaming out "I'm not ok"  could someone who is suppose to notice please just  NOTICE?? 

 When we work in the field of mental health, teaching others to be more empathetic and aware, I think it's especially hard to be with those who fail to notice when we ourselves are in pain or "not ok." You might find this article helpful (along with the resources listed at the base): Coping with Cumulative Losses: Personal vs. Professional ♥

[GRAMMY50]

5 hours ago, MartyT said:

When we work in the field of mental health, teaching others to be more empathetic and aware, I think it's especially hard to be with those who fail to notice when we ourselves are in pain or "not ok."

MartyT,

You nailed it!  Thank you.  It really helps to communicate with people who understand.

Thanks for the article links.