Spouse, Lover, Friend, Partner, Teacher

[Nikki]

Hello to everyone on the forum. My name is Nikki, I joined the forum last year, I am not sure when exactly-many things are a blur still. I have not posted since August of last year. I lost my fiance and boyfriend of 8 years on Jan. 13 2005, it was a Thursday-I came home for work and found him on our living room floor, I thought he was passed out from drinking-he did a lot of that after he lost his job, but he had shot himself. He was 33.

Like I said I have not posted in a long time, but I do get the notifications in my E-mail and I do read them and check the board. Most of the time I do not think I have much to say that would make a difference to anyone. My grammer also has much to be desired,please forgive me. I would also like to Thank everyone on the forum, words, poems, songs, and your devotion to your lost partner is so inspirational and lets me know that it is OK to be grieving, sad, angry, lonely and dissapointed- STILL and in my friends and family for abadoning me and forgeting I still am in pain.(sometimes agony).

I have been trying so hard lately to be positive-to make what seems like this living hell tolerable. I think a lot when I am in the car about how to do that. I have no answer, but I did have a thought-these people we have lost, our spouse,our lover, our friend -are one of our greatest teachers. My loss has taught me how strong I can be-I don't mean not crying, geting up and going through the motions of life , but how strong my spirit is, the human spirit and also another lesson is that I have faith-I never knew that but I do! And surprisingly I feel closer to god, he is taking care of my most precious love-I have to believe that or I would lose my own mind, so by his death I am forced to have faith. If I could I would change what happened in a minute, but I cannot-I do need a place to talk about it -my grief and my sadness, my emptiness and my tears-I think I have found the place-everyone here leans on one another and tells it like it is and I feel lucky to have a place to go Thank you again Nikki

[Guest PattiZ54]

Hi Nikki. We welcome you to our "family". We wish we did not have to meet you for the reason we have, but we're glad you found us. Everyone here completely understands what you are going through. I lost my husband, Charlie, of 16 years (we'd been together for 21)Nov. 16, 2004(so not too long before your loss). It's been 17 months and believe me.....it STILL hurts alot!!! You are not expected to be hurt-free by now - I would imagine you never will be. I can't imagine having gone through what you did. That had to have been devastating! My husband passed away from cancer due to him having systemic scleroderma - it was a sudden passing, but yet we knew he wouldn't be around forever.

This forum has helped me tremendously in the fact that you actually realize that you are not the only one traveling this "road". All of us have suffered a similar loss as you have - as I said before....we understand.

We hope that you will come here often and ANYTHING you have to say is welcomed and is never judged.

My thoughts are with you today and always!

Patti

(Charlie 6/10/58-11/16/2004 - I love and miss you, Dear!)

[kayc]

Nikki,

I am glad you posted; don't worry about your grammar, we can understand you just fine. We are here to support each other, encourage each other, be a safe place to vent, offer hope or inspiration to each other, whatever is needed. Most of all, it's just good to not feel alone, to know there are others who understand. This is a wonderful site with some really terrific people on it. It's too bad we've all had to meet this way, but it's one of those blessings out of tragedy.

I am glad you have faith, that is also a blessing out of tragedy. It's hard to understand when bad things happen, especially of this magnitude, but we are assured of the hope of seeing our loved one again. We know that the spirit doesn't die, but life changes form or proximity, and we know we'll be reunited one day.

Please feel free to have your say any time, we're all here for you, we're going through the same things.

I lost my husband and soulmate last Father's Day. It's hard to think about, if I think too much, it kills me. This is the hardest journey I've ever been on and the most challenging.

[Guest Guest_Deborah_*]

Hello Nikki, you sharing your feelings, helps you and it helps others. I lost my fiance who I'd been with over 14 years this past November. This is a very lonely process and this site has been my safe place to share. Actually my hospice counselor was with me today trying to help and I showed her this site. Its sad to me that this is where I have to come, rather than the friends or family, but they don't understand. I'm so grateful for everyones support and I hope you will come and share with us again.

[spela]

Hi Nikki,

I'm really glad you posted - glad because that means (I THINK) that you have found the energy to write here, and because you have faith an can think in a positive way.

Thank YOU for being there. Thank you for being my friend.