Still mourn Husband after 5 years

[TomPB]

Well today is day 2 of year 2 and I'm just tired. 48 years of unconditional love & partnership as half of Tom&Susan and now I'm living alone, surrounded by memories, like a ghost haunting the places where we were so happy. Nobody who hasn't experienced it has a right to say one word about timetables. The best part of my life is over....but I still hope that something will emerge that makes the rest of it worth living.

[Gwenivere]

There’s a 1% group?  If they issued cards I’d definitely have one.  There are just some things you feel to your core and one is this life I am in now is what is left til I go.   Yeah, I could be wrong.  I met Steve 40 years ago, so two thirds of my life.  Now that time is playing catch up with older age, I can’t see this improving to have to face it alone.  I never figured In widowhood at 58.  Didn’t ever think of it at all, but so soon?  There is not one person in my real life that understands this.  This is about love more than marriage.  I know couples that will adapt when it happens.  There are times I envy them, to be spared this.  They re not the people that will be found here or for very long.  I’m still deciding whether I loved too deeply......like I had choice?  It was out of my control so now I live it.  24/7.

[kevin]

I think number is higher ..at Least 5% over 45 years old experiencing Grief .....When you look around its almost a radar we have developed(sic)

[TomPB]

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

  I’m still deciding whether I loved too deeply......like I had choice?  It was out of my control so now I live it.  24/7.

People tell me it's good that I'm "feeling my feelings" and I tell them that, for me, it's not a choice. We talk about how I feel the pain of loss more than the joy of my memories of Susan and I have to explain, no, I'm not choosing to focus on the loss, it's what my mind does. Geez!

[Linda E]

Dear NG,

We were together 37 wonderful years. May 5 he will be gone 5 years, life is not one bit better since he died.

[Linda E]

This is on my refrigerator door.

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Linda E said:

We were together 37 wonderful years. May 5 he will be gone 5 years, life is not one bit better since he died.

I am trying to figure out how to keep going forward as I feel this way also.  All the things that gave life purpose and meaning seem to be gone, so what do you do?  They say they come from inside, but what if inside there is nothing?  I have on activity left I always did and it has even changed.  It is from internal politics where I volunteer than my emptiness as it used to pull what little life I still possessed out and felt good.  Other activities are not needed without Steve.  Others succumbed to age and limits.  So I went from a full life to days of hours to fill but I can’t find anything feels fulfilling.  Life has now changed to doctors and problems.  Not the life I had of security from loving and being loved.  There are people out there that don’t matter to anyone.  I was not one of those and the transition is is gut wrenching .

After this long I have given up hope I will wake up some day with....hope. 

[Margm]

I have put this on here a bunch of times.  My grandma wrote a book for all the grandchildren of her life called "I Remember" and I have seen some of it repeated at some colleges as teaching of the pioneer woman.  She also wrote for a local newspaper, wrote that since she was 14.  She wrote it until she passed away in her 80's.  In our book she repeats some of the things we go through.  I  have not really gone through people telling me "to get over it" in nice words or cruel words.  I am lucky.  But, as I have mentioned in other posts, she says that people tell her  it is ancient history and  she says "He has been gone 18 years, but to me it seems like yesterday."  We never get over it period.  It is one of life's burdens we carry because we loved so much and we were loved.  Period.

[kayc]

My mom was widowed 32 years...and until she got dementia and couldn't remember he died, it was with her every day and she remembered him...it was fresh to her also.

[Linda E]

[Margm]

No empathy in those folks.  No experience.  No humanity.  What kind of imbecile says that to someone grieving.  I don't wish it on them, but if they are not a robot, their day will come.

I read all the time on here about people being so wrong to insinuate we should do anything any different than what we do.  We grieve, we live, we grieve some more and we live while grieving.  If they don't like to be around us, then the door opens and they can leave.  Sorry if we make people feel depressed, just think, they can be depressed and they can walk on.  We will still be depressed and we will still handle our grief the best we can, not to their time table or anyone but our own.  And that might be the rest of our life, if it bothers them, they don't have to come around.  I am not a good actress and I am who I am no matter what.  If they ask me how I am, I say "fine" and walk on.  If they grab my arm and want to know really how I am, then "I am making it, thanks for asking."  I honestly don't have any problem from anyone though.  Maybe because I am so old that all my friends know how I feel because they feel the same way, they have just sometimes developed more scar tissue.

 

[Linda E]

Marg M

People who tell me that will one day have to deal with the loss of their spouse and I'm sure their tune will change. Me and my Husband Julian 

 

[Margm]

I love it.  My dad used to take pictures at our big dinners and he would wait till I had a fork going to my mouth.  I have so many pictures of me and forks.  You look so happy.  This is a picture of Billy and me doing what we liked to do best.  He had his camera around his neck, his trekking sticks beside him and I guess mine are there somewhere.  We loved walking those backwoods of Arkansas, and in the Ouachita National Forest we were in magic land.  No more magic.  My heart is with you my friend.

[Margm]

Billy always looked so dour, but his dry sense of humor kept us in stitches.  He was a friendly fellow, but preferred not being around lots of people  Funny thing was, when he was around a large group of people, he was at his funniest and people crowded around him.  Did not stop him from preferring solitude.  He kept us all laughing in the family but you won't find many pictures with him smiling.....or me either.  Just us.  

And he had the beard since the 1970's.  Early.  He shaved it off once and I told him to grow it back.  Didn't have to convince him.  And, I liked it when he had a pony tail hanging down the back, but he did not like that, still I liked it long.  We were over 21, we could do what we wanted to.  And we did.

[Linda E]

Marge,

He was quite handsome, I must say, smile or no smile. 

 

[Margm]

A funny story.  I was at the Christmas party for our school back in 1960.  My friend Judy was from the town the school was in.  I rode the bus with a bunch of other Webster Parish kids.  Her boyfriend of many years looked at me and said "she is for Billy."  Now, don't get me wrong, her boyfriend was a college "man" and she had gone with him and only him forever.  She thought he was the most handsome person in the world.  It was a blind date so I talked to him on the phone and they wanted to go that night but I had a date.  He kept trying to make me break it and said "you don't know what your missing."  I had asked my friend was he as good looking as her boyfriend and she honestly told me he wasn't, but he was cute.  That turned me off exactly.  Later on, persistence paid off.  But, to make sure I wanted to go, I had a boy (friend, just a friend) take me to meet him.  That way I had a way to go home.  I met him and my jaw dropped, he was a 6'3" Steve McQueen.  I had been known to miss a date on Saturday night just so I could watch Steve McQueen in "Wanted Dead or Alive," crew cut and all.  Still it was not love at first sight.  We decided to date others after three months (I had), but that didn't work too well, he was unforgettable.  Plus, my friend told me after his date with someone else; something about the difference in an orchid and rose song.  That did it.  He is still unforgettable and always will be.  

It is funny as you grow old together.  I never saw Billy as old.  He looked better than 54 years before.  I miss him.  

[MartyT]

2 hours ago, Marg M said:

you won't find many pictures with him smiling.....or me either.  Just us.  

Maybe not, dear Marg ~ but this one is adorable! ♥

[kayc]

I love seeing you guys' pictures, they're great!  It helps us see the relationship, the chemistry, the spark between you.  I love it!

[Linda E]

KayC

It would be nice to see more pictures on this site, my own family and friends don't care to see my pictures, but I say screw them 

[Margm]

Linda, I cannot imagine why your family would not want to see pictures of the two of you.  I love them.  But, I am going into my 3rd year, at least 2-1/2 so far, and you know how I hate numbers.  But, it is just now that I can look at pictures of him.  We are all different.  Some wanted pictures with them from the very moment they left and surround themselves with pictures..  It has taken me this long, and I am still not there yet.  I have one of him looking off into the distance that I cannot see.  I flip right by it.  I have one taken at my daughter's wedding years ago that we are dressed up and he is grinning because he is pinching me on my backside just as the picture is taken.  I'm getting better with the pictures.  Yours are wonderful.  

[mittam99]

On 4/8/2018 at 7:51 PM, Linda E said:

Marg M

People who tell me that will one day have to deal with the loss of their spouse and I'm sure their tune will change. Me and my Husband Julian

Linda, honestly that may not be the case. We assume those people that say those heartless, callous things would feel differently, but I have my doubts. Some people just have no empathy or compassion to begin with. Even when they lose a spouse their tune may not change for one simple reason. Few people have had what we had. A true love story. A person who was perfect for us in every way. Someone who made our life better and someone who we can barely live without.

For example, my brother in law's brother lost his wife of well over 30 years a couple years ago. Within a few months, this 70+ year old man was chasing after young women. Not every relationship is like the one you had with Julian or me with my beloved Tammy. We were blessed. And now because of the deep undying love, we feel empty and lost.

[Margm]

5 minutes ago, mittam99 said:

We assume those people that say those heartless, callous things would feel differently, but I have my doubts.

We want to believe that people love and are loved, but there really are people that find it a relief to escape the prison they cannot get out of.  I have only one in mind, and that is my other set of grandparents.  He was controlling, he had Parkinson's disease, and he held himself back from everyone.  My grandmother catered to him and I do not remember unkind words, but neither kind ones either.  He had anger.  No one said a word at the table while eating.  You pointed to what you wanted passed to you.  I know his mind was affected at age 56 and he died on my birthday.  He was not mean to me, but he had been mean when he was able to be, but other than beating my dad when he was 17, he was sent away for chasing his 16-year-old daughter with a knife.  My dad grieved him because as the oldest he had to help take him away from his home.  I think he had been mean all his life.  I don't know why.  We did not talk about such things.  But, my grandmother was a quiet sweet woman, but I think there was relief.  I think sometimes that must happen.  I am so very thankful I was married to my best friend and though life has an empty void, it was filled with love.  So, Mitch, you are right, and we don't know what goes on in other's minds.  I do not remember Mama missing Daddy as much, but they did love each other, but I am not sure they were friends.  I get into the judging sequence when I do this, and I am not that smart.  (And, my grandmother would never have said anything callous to anyone.  She was sweetness and love, honor and beauty).  

[scba]

1 hour ago, mittam99 said:

Linda, honestly that may not be the case. We assume those people that say those heartless, callous things would feel differently, but I have my doubts.

I agree with you Mitch. That`s why in our grief we feel very alone and not understood. 

I've had three relatives who were widows. My dad`s mum, I think she felt some relief because grandpa was very sick. She loved him but she was not the type of caregiver. Her life as a widow was a very independent and social-active one. I remember she phoned a friend every night. Her only concern in life was his youngest son, he survived her for few years. I am sure they are reunited now. 

My other grandma, she was in her 50s when she became a widow and loved my grandpa deeply. I`m sure she would have understood me. She was never the same again and then her family fall apart. 

My aunt, I remember her 60 yo celebration party and the video diplayed with memories of her life and no pictures with my uncle. Nothing. I was shocked. But she and her family went on as nothing has been missing there. 

These are my examples.

I wish my grandmas were alive to talk with them. 

 

 

[Linda E]

 

 

[Margm]

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep.

(Robert Frost)