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Linda, I wish I could more than react to your post.  Marg, Mitch, Ana.....you are all so right.  This is the only place I can come and know others feel and struggle to find meaning and a life worth living now.  I know you have your grand daughter, Marg.  I am trying to figure out how to do this utterly alone.  My counselors help some.  One even experienced what I have, The other lost a child.   I sit there and wonder, how did they do it?   I ask and see they found meaning helping other people.  I’m not helping, I am the other people.  Plus they have support systems thru colleagues.  Besides the crushing grief my life has become one doctor after another.  The worst is the back doc pushing surgery.  Heck, I am writing more than I intended.  Plus I have to go to an urgent clinic for chest pain.  Come home with that to show as what I did today.  I miss my life with Steve more than I can say.  Alone is a very cold way to exist, and it sure isn’t living.  I just want to walk in the door and feel good about being in this house.  That the memories of what we built helped, not hurt.

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To my Darling Husband

I know what you mean, Gin. Things that should bring us some small measure of comfort or happiness simply don't anymore. That's what's troubling me the most at this point. Finding something that gives

To All, I will always remain lost until I join my soulmate and Husband, Julian in Heaven. He was the love of my life , I am dead inside and I accept it.

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Gwen, as many hours as you have put in at the nursing home, as many years, you have had a full life of public service.  I dare say any of the rest of us have done so much for our fellow man.  Your a good woman and I am sorry your going through all this.

I have my granddaughter, but right now she is afraid of everything and is scared to learn to drive.  We will get through this.  

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Gwenivere,

I am lucky to be in good health at 70, I run every other day to help me survive is this so called world. I do not go to doctors since my Husband died unless really necessary, I don't care to have check-ups because I don't care if I do die from non-treatment, the sooner zI die the sooner I will see my Julian again.  

Julian & me Lions.jpg

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19 hours ago, Marg M said:

We want to believe that people love and are loved, but there really are people that find it a relief to escape the prison they cannot get out of.  I have only one in mind, and that is my other set of grandparents.  He was controlling, he had Parkinson's disease, and he held himself back from everyone.  My grandmother catered to him and I do not remember unkind words, but neither kind ones either.  He had anger.  No one said a word at the table while eating.  You pointed to what you wanted passed to you.  I know his mind was affected at age 56 and he died on my birthday.  He was not mean to me, but he had been mean when he was able to be, but other than beating my dad when he was 17, he was sent away for chasing his 16-year-old daughter with a knife.  My dad grieved him because as the oldest he had to help take him away from his home.  I think he had been mean all his life.  I don't know why.  We did not talk about such things.  But, my grandmother was a quiet sweet woman, but I think there was relief.  I think sometimes that must happen.  I am so very thankful I was married to my best friend and though life has an empty void, it was filled with love.  So, Mitch, you are right, and we don't know what goes on in other's minds.  I do not remember Mama missing Daddy as much, but they did love each other, but I am not sure they were friends.  I get into the judging sequence when I do this, and I am not that smart.  (And, my grandmother would never have said anything callous to anyone.  She was sweetness and love, honor and beauty).  

Marg, You sound like you are describing my mom, only Daddy loved her, he never intervened except with the butcher knife incident.  He had his own issues, he was an alcoholic.

I do know one lady that was thoroughly glad when her husband died, he was an alcoholic and he was mean to her, she never remarried.  You can't blame people for their relief in such cases, all of our relationships are different.  There's wonderful love, there's abuse, and there's a lot of mediocrity in between.  We are the lucky ones that knew love...unlucky to have lost them.

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6 hours ago, Linda E said:

I am lucky to be in good health at 70, I run every other day to help me survive is this so called world. I do not go to doctors since my Husband died unless really necessary, I don't care to have check-ups because I don't care if I do die from non-treatment, the sooner zI die the sooner I will see my Julian again.  

Linda, totally relate. I'm apparently in good health, tho who knows what might be unseen. I swim on a masters team and am faster in sprints than a lot of much younger members  - been a sprinter since high school. Swimming is one of the things that helps me "survive in this so called world" and my teammates and coaches have supported me amazingly. One of my best friends now is another swimmer who recently lost her husband.

Before the world ended, if I had a health scare, my #1 fear was that I didn't want my time with Susan cut short. Now that's not a factor, Susan said she'd be waiting for me, so bring it on!  However I'm a creature of habit and keep up my preventative care appointments, even tho your approach makes sense to me. 

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TomPB,

You are awesome, keeping up my prevented care appointments are no longer part of my life as I wish to join my Husband. The sooner the better. Thanks for your input. Last picture while he was alive at St. Patrick's Day St. Augustine Lighthouse 

DSC08540.JPG

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Linda, I totally understand the not wanting to do preventative care.  I only do what I absolutely have to because my dogs depend on me. So that means more med crap than I want to do.  I don’t know if Steve will be waiting, but I tire of this longing and aching.  I just want it to stop.  This is not living without him.  It’s just killing time knowing it won’t get any better.  I already had that.

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They told me if I had GYN problems they could do a D&C, but if anything was wrong, they could not correct it, because of all the radiation I have had, the ruptured colon, the sepsis, so why in this world would I put my feet up in those damn stirrups again?  If I have an infectious disease, heart trouble, anything like that, I will seek preventive care.  Anything below the radiation line (and that is a big area) will not hold a stitch and can do no more radiation.  If I have to have surgery on my knees or hips (which were radiated....hips), I cannot take the opioid pain killers or anything that would affect my colon.  I found a gallows humor cartoon one time that involves me.  Hope I don't shock anyone.

I did try to remove this.  Don't know how.  But, this is the sorry truth.  I would have preferred to have problems in a more accessible, something that allowed me more dignity.  Laying on the surgeons table, when he removed the tube they had placed beside, operated into the fleshy part of my hip, I did not know he was going to jerk it out.  It had been in there quite awhile.  The pain was such that i let out a string of curse words that my sweet husband had heard before, but he had not heard me use them in public.  I surprised him.  I did not surprise the doctor.  

commode.jpg

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It is a beautiful tattoo.
 

I relate to what Gwen wrote.  I have to be here to take care of my dog and cat...I'd like to be around for my grandchildren to know.  I guess I'll leave it up to the powers that be to decide "when" but I sure hope I don't have to go it alone another 30 years, especially on this mountain!  Got snow last night, will today, tonight, and Monday.
 

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On 3/19/2018 at 1:32 PM, Gwenivere said:

I 'think' I know what you are talking about, Linda.  As Marty said above above about it not staying as acute acute and sharp.  I am going into my 4th year and it makes the first 3 look like a cake walk.  Something happened that I now feel it more than ever.  I’ve done all the legal, getting rid of medical reminders, destroyed all images of him in the ravages of his cancer and worked with therapists since.  I don't know if it’s the length of time now or it has taken a turn to something unhealthy.  I’ve read many articles about this as a disorder.  I am not adapting as I once was.  The years before were hell for sure, but nothing like this.  I have absolutely no personal support like family or friends so I know that takes a toll.  We are all trying to get used to not being someone beloved anymore or having our beloveds there to give what we still feel.  All I do know is the person I once was could find something to give life some meaning to keep living it and now I can’t.  And that truly scares me about my options.  

My heart aches with yours, Gwenivere. Hoping you are find some relief from your pain.

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3 hours ago, Linda E said:

Sandra M,

I feel that most people on this site were true soulmates, not a norm in this society, so I think that most people do not understand what we are going through and never will.

Exactly. Even losing a loved one who is not a soulmate, IMO, gives no idea. Sometimes I think we need a group home.

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6 hours ago, Linda E said:

Sandra M,

I feel that most people on this site were true soulmates, not a norm in this society, so I think that most people do not understand what we are going through and never will.

Linda E,

You are so clear on this. Thank you so much for sharing! I have never been within the norm of this society. It feels good here--where I am among those who DO understand what I am going through.

Thank you again.

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21 hours ago, Linda E said:

KayC

I too have to stick around until my Babie J is gone, right now her legs are going bad, she is 14 yrs. old. After she passes I don't care what happens to me.

DSC00085.JPG

OMG, she is so adorable!  And 14!  That is great.  I don't know what I'd do without my animals, especially my dog. 

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18 hours ago, Linda E said:

Sandra M,

I feel that most people on this site were true soulmates, not a norm in this society, so I think that most people do not understand what we are going through and never will.

I so agree!  Is it no wonder we struggle to adjust to a loss of this magnitude!

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6 hours ago, Linda E said:

Sandra M & TomPB,

I love the idea of a group home, I would join immediately.   Ne & Julian being our crazy selves, so I know he would approve on such a place.

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Another great pic, Linda. OK, here's us being very happy at the end of a wonderful cruise...and I'm supposed to live without this now.

IMG_1796.jpg

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I’m facing a day of talking to no one of any consequence.  Doing hiring errands and home to silence....again.  I really feel like it is driving me insane.  Got a call from the breast care people who I have begged to take me off thier list.  Tracked down the number and hope it will happen.  I do not want to talk about cancer.....ever.  Tax crap came in the mail so had to fax forms and pay the IRS.  My alarm system went bonkers and I had to fix that.  Not a day goes by now that isn’t some problem to deal with and the only one I would want to talk to Steve about anything because everything else fell into place after that.  We don’t realize how much that banter was so fulfilling.  Not a huge revelation, we all feel it.  I have become silent too.  Locked in my mind.  I even notice it when talking to people out in the world.  My core of connection has been severed.  It’s so odd going to get gas so I can not go to the places we used to.  Pick up a burrito to eat later alone as all meals have become.  

The group home sounds good.  I would love to cry and have someone there that understood.  An arm around me.  Someone I could be there for.   Even the volunteering is suffering because all the people I see talk to each other all day.  It’s not like a spousal connection, but shared interests.  I feel I leave feeling lonelier for it now.  

I take my anxiety meds an they hit hard with fatigue beause sleep is never right anymore.  

Im so tired of feeling sorry for myself.  Yet, here I write about it.  Nothing makes sense anymore I do.  

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