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To my Darling Husband

I know what you mean, Gin. Things that should bring us some small measure of comfort or happiness simply don't anymore. That's what's troubling me the most at this point. Finding something that gives

To All, I will always remain lost until I join my soulmate and Husband, Julian in Heaven. He was the love of my life , I am dead inside and I accept it.

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I came down with a cold Thursday evening.  Last night I went to bed at 8:30 only to immediately get woken up by the German Shepherds across the street.  Again.  For the fourth time this week.  The owners don't care, won't bring them inside, don't yell at them.  So sleep is evasive.

Gwen, have you thought about volunteering somewhere else?  Somewhere where you might have some connection?  Going to the senior site is the highlight of my week.  I love these old people.  Their chatter and laughter fills my soul!  Right now we're having problems with the Director or Manager or whatever she is...she can't stand noise and people and doesn't belong working in a job like this.  She yells at everyone and is mean spirited and cranky.  She needs to go, she's just not well suited for the job.  Some are trying to get the powers that be to transfer her to a different type of job.  To see these dear old people yelled at, talked down to, treated like wayward children because they can't hear and they're just trying to socialize, for many of them this is the only socialization they get during the week, it's really hard.  I feel the tension in the air when I walk in, it's changed the atmosphere...it needs to change back.

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Kay, I’ve been at Foss for 24 years.  Seen and shared so much there I can’t imagine not going despite the new administration.  It’s something I have to reframe because I do love the people there and do report negligence when I see it.  It’s just hard right now as it is in a phase I am not truly close to anyone.  I’ve had times my best friends were residents.  But as they are much older, things change.  I’m letting myself be bothered and I know it is because I am so drained inside from other sources like health and intense grief returning. I lost a friend there this year so no one close right now.  I’m hoping that eventually this new admin will lighten up, but they are pretty set and have the staff tense too.  A lot of adjustment for everyone except the residents, which I am grateful for.  I reported 3 aides and residents have told me how they actually do thier jobs now.  It’s just another challenge of grief and wishing things were the same.  So many people I miss and mostly telling Steve about it when I got home as he hot to know many I was close to.  He was involved there too for a few years.

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I understand.  It's good that they have you to go to bat for them.  

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On Friday, April 13, 2018 at 4:50 AM, Linda E said:

Sandra M & TomPB,

I love the idea of a group home, I would join immediately.   Ne & Julian being our crazy selves, so I know he would approve on such a place.

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Linda E and Tom PB,

This site feels like a virtual group home to me :)

Sandra

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It is.\\\\\

18 hours ago, Sandra M. said:

This site feels like a virtual group home to me :)

It is.

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Love Sandra's pic.

It's Marathon Monday in Boston, a day we always spent together. On a cool wet one like today a lot of snuggling would have been involved. Had swim practice this AM but gonna be a lonely afternoon.

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Tom P,

I used to run Marathon's and my Husband was always at the finish line to swing me around for finishing. I tried one without him and just couldn't run them anymore.

I still run but only in honor of his memory. 

 

20140412_101100.jpg

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On 4/17/2018 at 8:06 AM, Linda E said:

Tom P,

I used to run Marathon's and my Husband was always at the finish line to swing me around for finishing. I tried one without him and just couldn't run them anymore.

I still run but only in honor of his memory. 

 

20140412_101100.jpg

Another beautiful pic Linda. Susan talked about coming to a swim meet but I always said it would be lots of sitting around before a very short sprint and wasn't worth it. Now I guess it would have been nice.

Talked with grief counselor yesterday. She said if joy is impossible I could seek "satisfying moments" and I said maybe I have some of them, when I'm into the moment. Today I cleaned up our little deck where Susan was so happy doing her urban gardening. It's a beautiful day but it was just painful and not "satisfying" at all. All I could think of was  how carefully she organized everything and how much I miss her.

 

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Tom, I should be happy that the weather is finally getting warmer.   BUT, I am not.  Al loved to garden and we would be out there together as soon as possible.  It is no longer any fun without him.  He made a flower tower on our patio and always made it look so nice.  I do not want it anymore but just cannot take it down.  So, it sits there full of weeds.  Things sure have changed!  And not for the better.

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I know what you mean, Gin. Things that should bring us some small measure of comfort or happiness simply don't anymore. That's what's troubling me the most at this point. Finding something that gives me a sustained feeling of enjoyment or real satisfaction. Oh I have little accomplishments and some smiles here and there, but it's fleeting.

Yesterday I decided to paint my front door. It went well until I knocked over the paint can and paint flew everywhere (yes paint actually can fly B)). I was able to clean up the mess for the most part, thankfully. What I missed was coming back inside and sharing the story and a few laughs with Tammy. It just doesn't feel like an accomplishment when you have no one to share it with.

In the nearly 38 months since Tammy died, I've learned to cope. Learned how to take the grief waves in stride. I function. I do what needs to be done at my speed. I've learned to co-exist with my deep and profound grief. In that sense, I guess I've done "OK". What I haven't learned to do is live in a way that makes me happy. That's a goal that often feels unattainable. And yet, I still hold out hope that some semblance of happiness will come back into my life.

Mitch

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Yes everything is two sided. Goes to the question of stay or move. I can't imagine leaving the home we shared, but having a memory in every square inch, and in every brick on the street too,  is not all good for my state of mind. My counselor says just don't say "no, never" re the possibility of ever being happy again. Consider that it might be possible, even the I think it is so unlikely. Maybe.

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My goal is not to be happy again because where I am now rejects that and fighting it causes too much inner conflict.  Fortunately my counselors don’t push that.  They do try and help me reframe things, works sometimes, but often not.  I guess the best thing I ever read was not to fight where you are.   You have to go thru it.  No shortcuts or skipping it.  I’m at the lowest point I’ve ever been and wondering how I will survive it.  Too many things tugging at me from the outside world hat need tending and I am just worn out as they, ironically, spotlight the sadness and loneliness.  Like Mitch said, things happen that would normally be things we could laugh about, but when alone they become horrible reminders.

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“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Do you know that this by Kubler-Ross has probably been on here hundreds of times.  You know I try to read about widows and how they handle the widowhood.  I cannot read Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, she is the death writer.  Well, I did it.  And, all I can say is, she knew what she was writing.  Yes.....I have not read her before.  It is kind of like your family practice physician was Dr. Jack Kevorkian.  

He left me in that other state.  Where ever he was, I was home.  He was not there.  I tell myself he cannot be gone.  The next nanosecond I know, for sure, he is gone and he is not coming back.  I listen to music, I cry.  I listen again, I don't cry.  Next time I will probably.  Dammit, he just plain is not coming back.  I have even been angry at him for leaving me.  He didn't do it on purpose.  I know that.  I no longer cry until I cannot breathe.  

It is not okay.  But, I have a lot of things occupying my mind at all times.  There has been a moment or two or three that I thought I felt his presence but then, Billy was not superstitious and I am him and he is me and so I am not superstitious.........but I used to be. I miss my mystical, magical, imaginative life.  And this year, I saw the Dogwoods, the Daffodils, the forsythia, the tulip trees, the "granny graybeards (and I have no idea if that is what they really are called).  I did not see them last year though.  Possibly I am developing scar tissue over the wound that will never heal.  But, it will tear easily.   

 

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Hello All,

What I do is plant a new flower on his death anniversary date 5/5/2013. I know I will never be happy again until I die but have learned to live with it . My sweet Babie J  keeps me going, she has her favorite nic soft ball in her mouth.  

Babie J 001.JPG

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Yes I will grieve forever and nothing will replace Susan Everyone tells me a new life will be “different”. They love that word. I know what they’re saying but to me it’s become code for “not as good”. I will never again experience being loved by an angel like Susan  I don’t need a specific trigger for that thought to hit it comes anytime, like this morning 

 

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Yes moments of happiness or joy are possible, just not the same as it was before, but I try not to compare, that's setting myself up for a fall...instead I embrace what good there is and try to be glad for that.

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Kay, I look up synonyms to describe the same thing I have said over and over.  I guess that is similar to Billy (this was a man's man) never asking directions, even though I said "Billy, we are lost."  "I am not lost, I just don't know where I am."  So, maybe I am not lost after-all, I just don't know where I am.  

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2 hours ago, Marg M said:

So, maybe I am not lost after-all, I just don't know where I am.  

Marg...

We're definitely emotionally lost. But, I think we actually know where we are in most ways. Sadly, it's an awful place we never imagined we'd have to live in.

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After practice this morning I told my grieving swimmer friend (lost husband 4 ms ago) that working on Susan's deck was giving me grief attacks and she said I shouldn't do it alone. Why didn't I figure that out myself? Duh!  I'm travelling next week so I'll get a friend to help when I come back. She had told me about another woman she knew who was grieving and that person came by. Both have golden retrievers and said I had to get one. She is extremely sad after 2 1/2 years and said only "Leo" had kept her alive.  I'm sorry for her but always looking for more people to connect with. If I can help other grievers at least that's somethiing positive and of course sharing helps me. We had a mini grief group.  

Then I got out a bag of Susan's to take on my trip. It was full of her things from our last sailing cruise, our favorite activity. I put some away and threw some out. That always feels like throwing out part of myself. Another grief attack. Endless. 

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