Still mourn Husband after 5 years

[kayc]

You're finding your way, Tom, little by little.  Sometimes it's so minuscule as to not notice, but we're getting there little by little.

[Gwenivere]

3 hours ago, TomPB said:

I put some away and threw some out. That always feels like throwing out part of myself. Another grief attack. Endless. 

I keep asking my counselors if I am losing my mind.  They say no.  I haven’t thrown anything out lately, but have had to get into things in Steve’s office I need.  He’s everywhere I turn and especially there.  His desk is so bare without the mess of his music pursuits.  No guitars and cords obstacle course to the back door.  It looks.......nice.  It also looks dead.  There are no more reminders of his daily life.   Replaced an air freshener in his bathroom and saw Advil he took.  Caught my eye and I thought wow, that bottle hasn’t been touched in over 3 years.  A trash candidate?  Yup.  Will it go there?  Nope.  There is nothing left I will throw or give away after all this time.  All the cold legal stuff is done.  Clothes, except a few things he treasured and have very fond memories of, and boxes of 'maybe needed' computer parts are gone because they were a tripping hazard in the garage and.....useless.  His last bottle of open wine is still in the fridge.  All his liquor is still in a cabinet.  I saw some tobacco stuff he used in the fridge.  It stays too.  I don’t really see them but know I would if they were missing.  His keys, wedding ring and now disconnected cell phone are where they always were.  His iPad is still plugged in.  It’s hard enough he is gone. These tangible things keep me from thinking it was some dream he existed.  Time is trying to take him away and I won’t allow it.  I don’t want to live in misery, but I can’t live thinking this was a fantasy love.  Sometimes I guess I need the pain to say yes, he was real and so are the memories.  I lose my mind either way with the attacks.  I’m sitting here hearing our dog barking outside and thinking how he would be uselessly yelling at her to stop, chuckling telling him she’ll never change and him saying.....I know but I can’t help it.  Just a daily ritual missing a big part, like so many others now.  We all have them now and go thru them alone.  I hate that word so much.  Mostly because I never fully experienced it beyond its mere definition.  I think we could all add a new one to it.  

[kayc]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

We all have them now and go thru them alone.  I hate that word so much.  Mostly because I never fully experienced it beyond its mere definition.

I was married to my kids' dad for 23 years, but I was alone in that marriage.  Very alone.  So I've known alone before.  I lived alone before that time as well.  But it's different than alone now, because now I KNOW what I'm missing.  Now it's different because it's not just alone, it's "alone without him".  And that's very different than alone before.  It's alone with these haunting memories.

[TomPB]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

You're finding your way, Tom, little by little.  Sometimes it's so minuscule as to not notice, but we're getting there little by little.

I don't know, Kay. Having OK moments followed by grief attacks, over something specific like finding a bag full of things from our very last sailing cruise or at random, is not a happy way to live. 

[Linda E]

To all,

After 4 years I did donate some of my Husband's clothes to the Vietnam's Vets, that's where he wanted his clothes to go, his wedding ring is around neck, as far as the right time to do this is up to you, no matter what people say do it when YOU are ready, not them. I wear this necklace with his wedding ring.

[TomPB]

I gave away a lot and threw out a lot but our home is still packed with things of Susan's. Just keeping clothes I gave her, or with turtles, or from special vacations or with special memories, her sailing gear...is a lot. Everything on our walls, pictures and paintings of our beach vacations, our wedding presents, our plants, her gardening tools, her cookie making things. I still have the same pillows on her side of the bed as on the day she died. We did two major renovations and every appliance, floor plan, ceramic tile, counter top etc is in large part her idea. I can't look at the kitchen counter without thinking of how happy she was with her final choice. Then we got a LOT when they sold her parents' home. The chandelier in the dining room that she so carefully had shipped. Rugs, furniture, pictures. I have a lot of her baby pictures. The curtains in the bedroom are from her college dorm. I could go on...

 

[Margm]

We each had different circumstances.  Billy and I gave away anything that would not fit into a 28 foot RV years ago.  Then a few years later we set up housekeeping again because of family circumstances.  When he left me, my whole attitude changed.  I packed and gave away.  My family took the fishing gear they wanted and we had people coming in and just taking things.  In the mood I was in, I did not care.  I was like a hungry dog guarding some things though.  I moved (never have I regretted that) as fast as I could.  I bought all new things but the bed.  Not for sentimental reasons though.  As I have said often, we were not homesteaders, more gypsies.  Now I am back to my southern redneck roots. 

My mood changes with the clock, day, weather, song, TV show, cry at commercials, happy, sad, vanilla ones.  Nothing I can do.  He is not coming  back, but I will go to him when the time comes.  I

My belief, my religion spoke here: 1 Corinthians 13:12  King James Bible
For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

Billy used to ask me why I believed like I did, he also had believed but he had doubts, questions.  I told him it was how I had to believe.  That is just me.  There are others that believe like this, many believe otherwise, or not at all.  We are given free will.  

[Linda E]

It will 5 years this Saturday May 5,  I lost my Husband to cancer. My niece had the nerve to tell me that I am living a lie that I don't want to live without him. I told her I have no choice to be here until God takes me . If I take my  own life which I am so tempted to do, but I want to see my Husband after I die so I just live in this hell. How can your own family be so cruel??  Well F _ _ _  them all.

[TomPB]

13 minutes ago, Linda E said:

It will 5 years this Saturday May 5,  I lost my Husband to cancer. My niece had the nerve to tell me that I am living a lie that I don't want to live without him. I told her I have no choice to be here until God takes me . If I take my  own life which I am so tempted to do, but I want to see my Husband after I die so I just live in this hell. How can your own family be so cruel??  Well F _ _ _  them all.

So sorry Linda and best wishes for getting thru the anniversary. I just had the 1 yr.  I'm fortunate that no one close to me has said something hurtful like that but I have no problem understanding how it hurts. Maybe I'll get to have that experience as more time passes and I don't "get over it".

The rest of what you say goes for me too. If I thought I would be with Susan it would be very tempting to take my own life. However I fear that doing so could damage my spirit to the point that I would NOT be with her. In the message to my sister thru her psychic, Susan said that she is waiting for me but that I must not "leave the planet no matter what before my time comes". Sounds like a warning.

Wow, do I sound crazy or what. Sure would have said that before 3/31/17

 

 

[Gwenivere]

It's obvious your niece has no clue or experience.  I just had a call last night with a guy who didn’t.  Oh, they have all the answers!  Not.  It’s hurtful and invalidating.  My reaction is the same as yours , f*ck them all.  No one should offer opinions on something they don’t know.  It’s a simpler concept lost on so many.  I feel fortunate I know that and have never hurt anyone.  Even when asked what I would do, I would say I honestly don’t know.  I have not been there.  

[Margm]

It's true.  People in glass houses should not throw stones.  

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Linda E said:

My niece had the nerve to tell me that I am living a lie that I don't want to live without him.

Wow, clueless!  I guess the best you can do with that is discard it.  Save up your most incredulous look for her!

[Linda E]

Hi All

Thanks for your support, I was very down about her comment, but I know what my Husband would have said to her, myob.

I am so thankful for having all you as friends who care.

God Bless You All, Linda

 

[Shoosie2]

Hi everyone

On another grief message board, someone posted this beautiful poem.  TomPB, there a few lines that may particularly resonate with you.

Sonnet 89 - Pablo Neruda

 

When I die, I want your hands on my eyes:
I want the light and wheat of your beloved hands
to pass their freshness over me once more:
I want to feel the softness that changed my destiny.

I want you to live while I wait for you, asleep.
I want your ears still to hear the wind, I want you
to sniff the sea's aroma that we loved together,
to continue to walk on the sand we walked on.

I want what I love to continue to live,
and you whom I love and sang above everything else
to continue to flourish, full-flowered:

so that you can reach everything my love directs you to.
so that my shadow can travel along in your hair,
so that everything can learn the reason for my song.

 

 

And LindaE- you took the words right out of my mouth F them all if they can't support you!!!

 

Peace

Steph

 

[Linda E]

Shoosie2

Love this poem, thank's for your support.

Linda

 

[Linda E]

Shoosie2,

I just shared your post with my niece. I think she got the message. That's so much for your post I have been upset for days with her rotten comment.

[TomPB]

5 hours ago, Shoosie2 said:

Hi everyone

On another grief message board, someone posted this beautiful poem.  TomPB, there a few lines that may particularly resonate with you.

Sonnet 89 - Pablo Neruda

 

When I die, I want your hands on my eyes:
I want the light and wheat of your beloved hands
to pass their freshness over me once more:
I want to feel the softness that changed my destiny.

I want you to live while I wait for you, asleep.
I want your ears still to hear the wind, I want you
to sniff the sea's aroma that we loved together,
to continue to walk on the sand we walked on.

I want what I love to continue to live,
and you whom I love and sang above everything else
to continue to flourish, full-flowered:

so that you can reach everything my love directs you to.
so that my shadow can travel along in your hair,
so that everything can learn the reason for my song.

 

 

And LindaE- you took the words right out of my mouth F them all if they can't support you!!!

 

Peace

Steph

 

That is very moving, made me cry. Thing is, it really resonates with what I would want if I was dying with Susan by my side. It takes a little more effort to think of it as Susan talking to me, especially since we didn't get to say goodbye. But that works too.

[Linda E]

This quote says it all.

[KarenK]

Linda,

My heart is with you. I thought of you yesterday as I faced the same "anniversary".

Karen

[Linda E]

Thanks Karen 

[Linda E]