Going Through The Motions of Being Alive

[Sandra M.]

I'm new to this group. I found my way here because, like most everyone else here, I am in great pain. My husband--the love of my life, my soulmate, best friend, and center of my life--left his body three months ago. I live everyday in pain and loneliness, going through the motions of being alive, but not feeling alive. They say that grief comes in waves. Well, a wave has grabbed me, and despite everything I have been trying to pull myself free of it, it just won't let me go.

Thank you, all, for providing a space where I can express myself freely knowing that I will be accepted without judgment.

[MartyT]

Welcome, Sandra. I'm so pleased that you've found your way to us ~ but so very sorry for the reasons that brought you here. ♥

[Gwenivere]

Hi Sandra.  Your loss is so fresh and raw.  I had the opposite reaction, I felt nothing for a good 6 months.  Just shows how we all are different.  It always feels strange 'welcoming' someone to a place that is safe, but no one wants to be in for obvious reasons.  But I thank gawd it is here because there are no other people that understand this unless it happens to them.   That was and still is one of the hardest parts of this change.  Whatever you encounter on your journey, there are many here that will validate and understand.  I’m at over 3 years and don’t know what I would do without this family.  I truly hope it helps you as you encounter how different the world is and how people may treat you.  I also hope you have some supportive family and friends, tho they will fall short sometimes.   No rules here.  Share what you need as it comes up.  One thing about what this pain has done is make for very compassionate people.  Always were, but like little saviors when you need them.  🌺

 

[Sandra M.]

40 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Hi Sandra.  Your loss is so fresh and raw.  I had the opposite reaction, I felt nothing for a good 6 months.  Just shows how we all are different.  It always feels strange 'welcoming' someone to a place that is safe, but no one wants to be in for obvious reasons.  But I thank gawd it is here because there are no other people that understand this unless it happens to them.   That was and still is one of the hardest parts of this change.  Whatever you encounter on your journey, there are many here that will validate and understand.  I’m at over 3 years and don’t know what I would do without this family.  I truly hope it helps you as you encounter how different the world is and how people may treat you.  I also hope you have some supportive family and friends, tho they will fall short sometimes.   No rules here.  Share what you need as it comes up.  One thing about what this pain has done is make for very compassionate people.  Always were, but like little saviors when you need them.  🌺

 

Hi Gwenivere. Thank you so much! Your compassion came through very clearly in what you wrote. I understand completely what you and MartyT said about welcoming me here, but it feels good to be here, nonetheless. I only have one sibling, a sister, and though she is very supportive, she lives on the opposite coast. I don't have any close friends and most of my coworkers, good-hearted people, have felt too awkward to interact with me since 2012, when my dear husband, Jim, was first diagnosed with cancer. It's been a long and lonely journey and has just gotten more lonely, with a loneliness that can never end. It's still just so hard to believe Jim is gone forever.

I love the flower you signed off with. Can you tell me how you did it? I wanted to send one to you, also, but flowers did not come up as an emoji category!

 

[Gwenivere]

I lost my Steve to cancer too after years of fighting.  He wanted to downplay it for his friends and my sake.  But I saw the anguish he faced knowing he had limited time.  I wish he would have shared more with his buddies.  But.....his choice.  The forever part is mind boggling.  We keep waiting to wake from a nightmare.  

The flower came from my iPad.  

I'll put one for me, another for you and one for the awesome people here. 🌸🌹🌺

Marty created a safe haven for us all.  She needs something special too.  💖

 

[mittam99]

Sandra, sorry for the terrible loss that brings you here. There's nothing more devastating and life altering as losing a beloved spouse. It not only feels like your life has no meaning but it's as if you're in some sort of alternate reality that you no longer fit in. I lost my wife Tammy to the ravages of systemic lupus on March 6, 2015 and honestly, I'm still going through the motions of life. I don't say that to scare you in any way. It's just how it is. You just take things one moment at a time. Build up to a day at a time. A week at a time etc..

After all, this is a wound that never fully heals. It's far too deep and far too emotional. Everything that had meaning in life is no more. In time what you can do is cope. I function fairly well now but life just doesn't have the joy it had when Tammy was here. It's a process... a very hard one. In some ways grief is a learning experience. Everyone's journey is different. My path and my direction are different than someone's else's. What works for me, may not work for you. But there are things that all of us here at this forum share. We all loved our spouse more than life itself. We all share an intense sadness and pain and confusion and we think about the why's and the what-if's and we just want to go back in time and somehow, some way, prevent the death of our beloved.

You talked about the grief waves and believe me there will be plenty. And you never know how big those waves will be or when they will hit. But they will. There's also what I call the grief dance. There are many versions. You have the one step forward, two steps back version. The two steps forward, two steps back. And on occasion, I enjoy the two step forward and no steps back version. That's rare but sometimes it happens.

You're early in your journey and I know how much it hurts. I wouldn't wish this kind of emotional trauma on my worst enemy. But we're living it and this is our life from here on out. Just don't look too far ahead. Cherish the small victories. Pat yourself on the back for just making it through another day and leaving the fetal position. And know that your man will always reside in you, heart and soul.

Mitch

[kayc]

Sandra,

Welcome here...this is a place that pretty much saved my life after my husband died nearly 13 years ago.  It's a long journey, one that doesn't end, but it evolves as we go through it.

I've heard it said three steps forward, two steps back, so even when you're in the "going backwards" stage, it's overall moving forward, so not to feel discouraged.  

You're still in the very early part, so I want to share what I've learned in my twelve years in the hopes even one thing might be of help to you.  It's too much to grasp at once and not everything will resonate with you at this moment, so it's good to print out and refer to once in a while and see if something else grabs you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[Sandra M.]

Dear Mitch and KayC,

My heartfelt condolences on both of your losses. We do share the same pain, so our hearts feel the same pain, a pain that we would not wish on our worst enemy.

I thank you so much for writing to me with such deep compassion. I really do not have adequate words to thank you for extending yourselves to me. Grief feels so lonely, but your messages are a great source of comfort, and I will read them again and again.

I am writing from work, which I must get back to, but I did want to take this little bit of time out to do something truly important--writing to you.

You are both so eloquent but I am too deep in my feelings to write much. I just really needed to reach out. I have phoned three counselors within the last three days to try to set appointments up but no one has returned my calls. I feel so disappointed when I find I don't have any messages back, but maybe everyone is taking time off, this week before Easter.

Thanks again for your compassion, your time, your kind words, your prayers and your hugs. I send the same to you.

All the best to you.

[Sandra M.]

1 minute ago, Sandra M. said:

Dear Mitch and KayC,

My heartfelt condolences on both of your losses. We do share the same pain, so our hearts feel the same pain, a pain that we would not wish on our worst enemy.

I thank you so much for writing to me with such deep compassion. I really do not have adequate words to thank you for extending yourselves to me. Grief feels so lonely, but your messages are a great source of comfort, and I will read them again and again.

I am writing from work, which I must get back to, but I did want to take this little bit of time out to do something truly important--writing to you.

You are both so eloquent but I am too deep in my feelings to write much. I just really needed to reach out. I have phoned three counselors within the last three days to try to set appointments up but no one has returned my calls. I feel so disappointed when I find I don't have any messages back, but maybe everyone is taking time off, this week before Easter.

Thanks again for your compassion, your time, your kind words, your prayers and your hugs. I send the same to you.

All the best to you.

Thank you, sweetheart, for promising to never leave me and to always stay by my side. I sill love you more than anything, and know our love for each other will bring us back together time after time after time. It's still you, sweetheart, straight down the line.

 

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, Sandra M. said:

Dear Mitch and KayC,

My heartfelt condolences on both of your losses. We do share the same pain, so our hearts feel the same pain, a pain that we would not wish on our worst enemy.

I thank you so much for writing to me with such deep compassion. I really do not have adequate words to thank you for extending yourselves to me. Grief feels so lonely, but your messages are a great source of comfort, and I will read them again and again.

I am writing from work, which I must get back to, but I did want to take this little bit of time out to do something truly important--writing to you.

You are both so eloquent but I am too deep in my feelings to write much. I just really needed to reach out. I have phoned three counselors within the last three days to try to set appointments up but no one has returned my calls. I feel so disappointed when I find I don't have any messages back, but maybe everyone is taking time off, this week before Easter.

Thanks again for your compassion, your time, your kind words, your prayers and your hugs. I send the same to you.

All the best to you.

Sandra, I'm glad my words were able to touch you and maybe help in some small way. This life of grief is so unimaginably difficult and at times, nearly unbearable. I know when I first came here in 2015, I didn't know where to turn. Family and friends meant well but truly didn't understand my loss. Here at the forum I found something that made a difference... a real understanding of the pain I was feeling. Members here embraced me with kindness and a genuine desire to help. I didn't get cliches or platitudes. Just the truth. Sometimes that truth was painful to hear but it was honest and heartfelt.

Losing your soul mate is losing yourself in many ways and it certainly changes day to day life. Nothing will ever be the same or feel the same. But somehow we survive. Even today, more than three years since my Tammy died, I still live life in 24 hour increments. I have good days and I have bad days. Of course it's all relative. My good days are a pale immitation of my life with Tammy. I know how lucky I was to have a wife like Tammy and to share a life with her. Those of us here at the forum were all blessed. Not every relationship out there is like the one we shared with our beloved.

At the same time (because of the deep love we shared) our pain after losing them is that much deeper. With intense love comes intense and prolonged pain.

I don't know if what I'm about to write will help you but it helped me early on in my grief journey. A member here said something that touched me deeply. Basically they reminded me that I wasn't the same person I once was. That I was still Mitch but I was Mitch with a whole lot of Tammy mixed in. And that made so much sense. We do become as one. From that moment on I realized that even though Tammy was physically gone, she will always be a part of me. She's with me with every step I take.

You've found a really wonderful resource here at Marty's forum. Keep posting... it will help. When you're ready tell us a little about your man, that will help too. And if the need a hug or a shoulder to cry on, we've got you covered.

 Here's a link to a topic I started not long after Tammy's death that might be worth looking at:

Hugs,

Mitch

[Shoosie2]

Sandra

 

I am so sorry that you have joined the Club that no one wanted to join. Like you, I'm about 3 1/2 months since I too lost the light of my life. It does get easier, and then it will get hard, out of nowhere. I had a meltdown at work (REALLY??!!) yesterday, so I'm not a true survivor yet, but I'm working on it, day and night. Don't give up. I know that sounds easy to say, but we are here, ,and our loved ones aren't. So, that means we have to live now for two people. We have to try to honor them by trying to put one foot in front of the other...sometimes minute by minute.  Like Mitch said, we are all on the same road, and you couldn't have found a more supportive group of people to help you through the tough times, as well as celebrate the victories, no matter how small they may seem to  you. We all will hold you up when you feel like you are sinking. We will all be there to cheer when you have a good day, and there will be good days coming. They just will be different because it's just you. I try to remember that at one time in my life, I was BR.....Before Rick. I was able to have a life, do things that made me happy, and enjoy the beauty of  this gift of life. Yes, it was oh so much more miraculous when Rick was here. But now, I have  a new lease on life. It may not be the one we wanted and had planned on, and had dreams of. Baby steps, Sandra.  But we can all do this, in tiny increments ....arm in arm, marching forward in solidarity, and feeling the pain, but looking forward to better times.

 

Peace 

Steph

[kayc]

Sandra,

I hope you do hear back from the counselors, don't give up, keep making calls and if you don't like the first one you try, try another, they aren't all the same.  You will get through this, one day at a time, somehow we do.  It's different than it was when we were on our own before meeting our spouse, now we know what we're missing, but like Mitch said, we have incorporated them into us as well.  It's all a journey, a life long journey...until we meet again.

[TomPB]

Sandra, as kayc says, not all counselors are the same. Mine, who is an angel and also a psychotherapist, says that in retrospect she was clueless doing grief counseling before she had her own losses. Also we are constantly texting between sessions and she doesn't watch the clock like a lot of therapists, so if we run over it's fine.

OMG this is a hard road. 48 yrs of unconditional love with Susan always by my side, one single being T&S, & now I'm supposed to go on solo. Friend says I was torn apart from my other half without anesthetic. The deeper the love, the deeper the grief. My counselor says grief IS love, and that in the end all that remains is the love.  On this forum are people who had the deepest love. Best wishes, Tom PB

[kayc]

On 3/28/2018 at 6:54 AM, TomPB said:

My counselor says grief IS love, and that in the end all that remains is the love.

I can relate to that statement...even though the "missing him" part of the grief remains and will for the rest of my life, I also find great comfort in the love that continues and in knowing that I had it all once in my life and some never experience that.  Oh that I wish it could have continued many more years and been taken together!

[Sandra M.]

On 3/28/2018 at 6:54 AM, TomPB said:

Sandra, as kayc says, not all counselors are the same. Mine, who is an angel and also a psychotherapist, says that in retrospect she was clueless doing grief counseling before she had her own losses. Also we are constantly texting between sessions and she doesn't watch the clock like a lot of therapists, so if we run over it's fine.

OMG this is a hard road. 48 yrs of unconditional love with Susan always by my side, one single being T&S, & now I'm supposed to go on solo. Friend says I was torn apart from my other half without anesthetic. The deeper the love, the deeper the grief. My counselor says grief IS love, and that in the end all that remains is the love.  On this forum are people who had the deepest love. Best wishes, Tom PB

Thank you, TomPB.

In the first days after Jim had passed, I had that exact feeling that he had been torn apart from me--those are the exact words I told a counselor I was seeing at the time. Her response was to ask me where he had gone. I was in too much shock and pain to be able to process much in real time and answer her, but I did/do know that my sweetheart is in a very good place--and I ache with wanting to be with him. I know that you know what I mean.

Thank you for reaching out to me; it helped me.

I send you hugs and my best wishes.

Sandra

 

[Gwenivere]

Every day is just monotony now.  Unlike the movie Groundhog Day, I just ramble thru on autopilot going to bed and repeating.  Afternoons are maybe different, but waking and the long nights alone are so hard.  No one to add some spontinaity.  Things run totally by the clock now.  When my dogs require something.  I look for things to do to kill the time but there aren’t enough.  The things I do think of are chores anyway that used to bring reward.  Sharing them with someone.  No one says....hey, let’s do this instead.  TV was only on when we watched something we recorded or rented, now it’s my roommate and full of baby boomer ads for disease and drugs with dire side effects.  Commercials about love (perfumes, jewelry, just seeing people together building a life) are heart wrenching.  I see that all the time in real life.  I’ve always been friendly with strangers but now I depend on it to feel connected to the world in any small way knowing I have to come to this now house, not home.  I guess I am writing this today because last night I was so angry he left and doesn’t feel this pain.  We always shared pain in losses.  I don’t know how to do this alone and especially about him.  I felt horrible wanting him to feel it, but it was desperation from being alone.  This wouldn’t exist to even deal with before.   So I’ll go out for a bit, come back here, change clothes, feed the dogs, get the house ready for the night, feed myself and sit in the silence of what was my heart.  The emptiness.  Wonder where he is.  Cry out for him to go to sleep.  See the images of life on a TV.  The first couple of years I was in a cocoon of disbelief.  It’s gone now after over 3 years.  There’s no protection from the reality of this.  I don’t even know what I am waiting for anymore.    I’ve tried so many suggestions.  I want us back.  Some one wrote the 5th year was thier worst.  I’m halfway thru my 4th.  I guess I believed it would get better as it has for some.  I’ve yet to find meaning and without that, I’ll be stuck in this a very long time,that I do know.   Ramble mode off, plenty of time in my head for that later. I’ll take my Xanax and hope for numb.

Edited March 29, 2018 by Gwenivere

[Sandra M.]

19 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

Every day is just monotony now.  Unlike the movie Groundhog Day, I just ramble thru on autopilot going to bed and repeating.  Afternoons are maybe different, but waking and the long nights alone are so hard.  No one to add some spontinaity.  Things run totally by the clock now.  When my dogs require something.  I look for things to do to kill the time but there aren’t enough.  The things I do think of are chores anyway that used to bring reward.  Sharing them with someone.  No one says....hey, let’s do this instead.  TV was only on when we watched something we recorded or rented, now it’s my roommate and full of baby boomer ads for disease and drugs with dire side effects.  Commercials about love (perfumes, jewelry, just seeing people together building a life) are heart wrenching.  I see that all the time in real life.  I’ve always been friendly with strangers but now I depend on it to feel connected to the world in any small way knowing I have to come to this now house, not home.  I guess I am writing this today because last night I was so angry he left and doesn’t feel this pain.  We always shared pain in losses.  I don’t know how to do this alone and especially about him.  I felt horrible wanting him to feel it, but it was desperation from being alone.  This wouldn’t exist to even deal with before.   So I’ll go out for a bit, come back here, change clothes, feed the dogs, get the house ready for the night, feed myself and sit in the silence of what was my heart.  The emptiness.  Wonder where he is.  Cry out for him to go to sleep.  See the images of life on a TV.  The first couple of years I was in a cocoon of disbelief.  It’s gone now after over 3 years.  There’s no protection from the reality of this.  I don’t even know what I am waiting for anymore.    I’ve tried so many suggestions.  I want us back.  Some one wrote the 5th year was thier worst.  I’m halfway thru my 4th.  I guess I believed it would get better as it has for some.  I’ve yet to find meaning and without that, I’ll be stuck in this a very long time,that I do know.   Ramble mode off, plenty of time in my head for that later. I’ll take my Xanax and hope for numb.

Dear Gwenivere,

I can relate to so much of this and it makes my heart ache for you, for me, and everyone here and elsewhere that is going through this suffering.

I wish I had something of real comfort to offer.

 

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, Sandra M. said:

I wish I had something of real comfort to offer.

Sandra, in this grieving life, real comfort hardly exists. The best I can say is we try to find a way to survive and to cope. Not much of a long term goal but it's something. I mean, we're still here and there must be a reason for it, but sometimes it's just hard to bear. We've gone from living life with that one person who made every day better to the constant pain, longing and loneliness of today.

Personally, I have a really hard time finding purpose now. When Tammy was here I always knew who I was and what I needed to do. I was a beloved husband with a beautiful wife who I cherished and loved more than life itself. I was her champion and her knight in shining armor. We fought the battles together and together we were so much better, so much stronger. Alone, I have little direction and my life feels meaningless. I went from a love story for the ages to a life devoid of love except in my mind's eye and my memories. This new world is so hard.

So really, all any of us can do it try our best. If our best means laying in bed and bawling our eyes out that's OK. I think just joining a forum like this and reading and/or posting shows we want to find a way to ease this pain and suffering. I do find some sense of comfort knowing that when I post here, the people here "get it". I feel less alone in a way.

 

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Sandra M. said:

I wish I had something of real comfort to offer.

Knowing someone reads our words is comforting, Sandra.  It’s a technological connection but it can so validate us.  As Mitch said, knowing people here 'get it' makes it feel a little less alone.  

[kayc]

Somehow year three, five, ten, how is it any different, they're still not here, it's still a struggle going on alone.  The only thing that changed from year one to now is I've gotten used to it, done some adjusting, learned a lot, but at the end of the day, it's still me, my dog, and my cat and they aren't going to be with me a whole lot longer.  I watched Mary lose Bentley, I know it's coming someday with Arlie, once you've gone through loss of this magnitude, you can't go through life in ignorant bliss, you know it's limited, it's always in the back of your mind.  What helps me is trying to stay in today and not taking on the whole future of aloneness, that's too much.  The nagging thoughts creep up but I try to banish them.  I don't have any Xanax, on too many medications as it is, so have to try to go to sleep with my own thoughts...

[Gwenivere]

I wish I could master that that one day at a time thing, but I can’t.  Something always happens to remind me.  Most are just day to day living in a headspace of no meaning.  I worry about my elder dog too. The magnitude that will be.  All death looks different to me now.

[kayc]

I hear you.  And the day at a time thing?  I have to keep reminding myself to stay in it.

[Sandra M.]

On Wednesday, March 28, 2018 at 5:35 AM, kayc said:

 It's different than it was when we were on our own before meeting our spouse, now we know what we're missing . . . .

KayC,

Reading this was so affirming. . . knowing what I'm missing, the contrast between what I had and what I have now, makes my heart ache deeply. A few women have said to me that since I was a single woman on my own for many years before I met Jim, I know that I can make it on my own now. Well, yes, I can make it, but I did not like the single life, not having anyone to love and to love me back, and now that I've had that experience, I know how full and wonderful life can be and how deeply empty life can feel.

 

[Gwenivere]

Sandra, no one has said it exactly like that to me, but I know most think I was once so 'independent', it should be like going back.  They haven’t a clue.  They don’t see in thier own lives the interconnection they’ve formed with thier partners much less if that was taken away. I’ve had a couple mpathetic people tell me they know they would be traumatized if it happened to them.  Plus, I was in my early 20’ s when I was on my own.  I spent more time with him, 37 years.  Now I am alone again, but much differently, for over 3 years.  I know I am a capable person, now about even more so with responsibility that comes with that.  Let me do the math.....a little over 20 years when life was playing around figuring it out.  people to party with, guys to flirt and date-with, appearance oh so important, in general trying out the world without a care for tomorrow.  Almost 40 years with someone that filled what I was looking for thru my experimenting, share the losses time brings as people fade from it, but building on what we both wanted as a true team.   So 2 thirds with real love as opposed to thinking I knew that it meant, breakups are so crazily funny to me now from people I never really loved beyond a young minds view.  The drama of it all.  This is the real thing.

To even think these are even comparable is actually insulting.  

[mittam99]

I was a bachelor for a long time. Tammy and I didn't get together til I was 44 years old. So yes, I was independent before I met her. I can cook, clean, repair cars, shovel snow ... you name it. Anything thrown my way I can handle it. But what I didn't have was real love in my life. True unadulterated joy. When I met Tammy, I found that. She was perfect for me. She accepted me for who I was. She loved me unconditionally and I loved her heart and soul. Together we could move mountains. We were made for each other and that's not just words.

When Tammy died, my world turned into something I didn't recognize. A dark place. A place where everyone seem cold. A place where I wasn't really sure I wanted to be. The fact that I could fend for myself (the aforementioned cooking, cleaning etc.) was meaningless. What I didn't have was Tammy and without her by my side nothing in life mattered. I couldn't understand why Tammy... this sweet, wonderful woman, died. This was supposed to be our time to shine, our time to grow old together. We had plans to vacation that Spring at the beach. The pain of knowing that Tammy died was staggering. It wasn't just that she wasn't here, it was the confusion and emotional trauma of her dying suddenly like that and being gone in an instant. What could I have done differently ... or better? I was her knight in shining armor and yet somehow I felt helpless to "save" her.

In the three years since Tammy died, I have learned to cope. I do understand that there are things that are out of our control. But none of that makes this life alone very livable. It's monotony for the most part. I still feel like I'm taking baby steps or maybe even that I've reached the "highest heights" of my grief journey. I'm here, but I haven't found the formula to find any sustained happiness.