Going Through The Motions of Being Alive

[iPraiseHim]

18 hours ago, mittam99 said:

I was a bachelor for a long time. Tammy and I didn't get together til I was 44 years old. So yes, I was independent before I met her. I can cook, clean, repair cars, shovel snow ... you name it. Anything thrown my way I can handle it. But what I didn't have was real love in my life. True unadulterated joy. When I met Tammy, I found that. She was perfect for me. She accepted me for who I was. She loved me unconditionally and I loved her heart and soul. Together we could move mountains. We were made for each other and that's not just words.

When Tammy died, my world turned into something I didn't recognize. A dark place. A place where everyone seem cold. A place where I wasn't really sure I wanted to be. The fact that I could fend for myself (the aforementioned cooking, cleaning etc.) was meaningless. What I didn't have was Tammy and without her by my side nothing in life mattered. I couldn't understand why Tammy... this sweet, wonderful woman, died. This was supposed to be our time to shine, our time to grow old together. We had plans to vacation that Spring at the beach. The pain of knowing that Tammy died was staggering. It wasn't just that she wasn't here, it was the confusion and emotional trauma of her dying suddenly like that and being gone in an instant. What could I have done differently ... or better? I was her knight in shining armor and yet somehow I felt helpless to "save" her.

In the three years since Tammy died, I have learned to cope. I do understand that there are things that are out of our control. But none of that makes this life alone very livable. It's monotony for the most part. I still feel like I'm taking baby steps or maybe even that I've reached the "highest heights" of my grief journey. I'm here, but I haven't found the formula to find any sustained happiness.

 

Ditto, Brother.  Same MO.  I didn't met my beloved Rose Anne until I was almost 33.  So far, they are the BEST years of my life. 

Life is very different now.  I have not had that same level of JOY, Acceptance, and Love.  We travel similar paths in many ways yet there are differences. 

A year ago, a chance meeting with a fellow member here has rekindled my passion for flying.  Although it seems utterly impossible because of my age, excess weight, and low income.  In one year, I have lost 130+lbs, living healthier, purchased a flight simulator, and built a new computer ( another bucket list project) to improve flight performance.  When the dream was rekindled, it was the first time I was looking FORWARD to something rather than just remembering the past life with Rose Anne.  I still miss her every day. 

I still have setbacks, down times, and challenges, yet this dream is thrusting me forward.  I still don't know how to pay for the lessons and all of the studying involved but I will make a way somehow.

Mitch, I don't know what that is for you and everyone else but I sincerely pray each of you find your WHY(purpose) for stepping forward each day.  We are still alive and our beloveds want us to keep living, growing, and even enjoying life.  That would put a smile on their heart and face.  In the meantime, keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will reach and continue to heal through this path we are all thrust upon. Take care, my friend.  - Shalom

[mittam99]

That's just it George. I don't have any real passion towards anything in particular anymore. No one item as a must do on my bucket list. At this point, my bucket list contains one item... to find a glimpse of satisfaction in life. I'm not expecting real joy. Just something that makes me feel like I'm actually enjoying myself. That my life isn't just a futile, repetitive, Groundhog Day of dull, empty and meaningless going through the motions activity. When Tammy died, it changed me, understandably. I lost that sparkle in my eye. I hope it comes back but so far it's been 100% elusive.

I'm so glad that you've found some sense of joy again. We're all seeking something better than what we feel today. Hopefully that spark is out there for all of us.

[Cookie]

On ‎03‎/‎29‎/‎2018 at 5:34 PM, Gwenivere said:

Every day is just monotony now.  Unlike the movie Groundhog Day, I just ramble thru on autopilot going to bed and repeating.  Afternoons are maybe different, but waking and the long nights alone are so hard.  No one to add some spontinaity.  Things run totally by the clock now.  When my dogs require something.  I look for things to do to kill the time but there aren’t enough.  The things I do think of are chores anyway that used to bring reward.  Sharing them with someone.  No one says....hey, let’s do this instead.  TV was only on when we watched something we recorded or rented, now it’s my roommate and full of baby boomer ads for disease and drugs with dire side effects.  Commercials about love (perfumes, jewelry, just seeing people together building a life) are heart wrenching.  I see that all the time in real life.  I’ve always been friendly with strangers but now I depend on it to feel connected to the world in any small way knowing I have to come to this now house, not home.  I guess I am writing this today because last night I was so angry he left and doesn’t feel this pain.  We always shared pain in losses.  I don’t know how to do this alone and especially about him.  I felt horrible wanting him to feel it, but it was desperation from being alone.  This wouldn’t exist to even deal with before.   So I’ll go out for a bit, come back here, change clothes, feed the dogs, get the house ready for the night, feed myself and sit in the silence of what was my heart.  The emptiness.  Wonder where he is.  Cry out for him to go to sleep.  See the images of life on a TV.  The first couple of years I was in a cocoon of disbelief.  It’s gone now after over 3 years.  There’s no protection from the reality of this.  I don’t even know what I am waiting for anymore.    I’ve tried so many suggestions.  I want us back.  Some one wrote the 5th year was thier worst.  I’m halfway thru my 4th.  I guess I believed it would get better as it has for some.  I’ve yet to find meaning and without that, I’ll be stuck in this a very long time,that I do know.   Ramble mode off, plenty of time in my head for that later. I’ll take my Xanax and hope for numb.

Gwen:  I know of what you speak.....I, too, after almost 3 years still feel so much pain.  I have this spiraling, up and down thing that happens.  I'll be okay, then boom the smallest thing sends me crashing back into the sorrow and pain....can't figure out how to stop it.  Feels like I'm doing time, as in a jail sentence.  I have also tried all the suggestions and frankly I'm tired.  There are those moments, though, and I cherish those.....the neutral, okay moments that are almost like heaven now.  Hugs to you.....Cookie

[Cookie]

On ‎04‎/‎01‎/‎2018 at 4:07 PM, mittam99 said:

That's just it George. I don't have any real passion towards anything in particular anymore. No one item as a must do on my bucket list. At this point, my bucket list contains one item... to find a glimpse of satisfaction in life. I'm not expecting real joy. Just something that makes me feel like I'm actually enjoying myself. That my life isn't just a futile, repetitive, Groundhog Day of dull, empty and meaningless going through the motions activity. When Tammy died, it changed me, understandably. I lost that sparkle in my eye. I hope it comes back but so far it's been 100% elusive.

I'm so glad that you've found some sense of joy again. We're all seeking something better than what we feel today. Hopefully that spark is out there for all of us.

I think that is the thing....that having someone you love more than life itself....what a feeling.  It informs everything you do in life, adds new dimensions, color, meaning.  I wish I could hope that was out there again before I die.  Life doesn't feel very worthwhile living without it, and you can't just manufacture it......Cookie

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Cookie said:

I think that is the thing....that having someone you love more than life itself....what a feeling.  It informs everything you do in life, adds new dimensions, color, meaning.  I wish I could hope that was out there again before I die.  Life doesn't feel very worthwhile living without it, and you can't just manufacture it.

This expresses what we've all been feeling.  I've given up having that again, I don't see how it's possible without George, because he was behind my dimensions, color, meaning.

[mittam99]

You're so right Cookie and Kay.

I think we all have come to the realization that our life will never have the same dimensions, color and meaning. It was our beloved that gave our world all of those things. Gave us a different and more upbeat outlook on everything in life. It wasn't just the love we felt, it was the feeling that we found our perfect place in life. We were where we belonged; with the person that made us feel complete.

Tammy was truly my everything. I am so lost in this world without her. At this point, alone, I have no real direction. No clue how to live in a way that feels like something beyond mere day to day survival. The bigger question is, do I give up? My answer is a resounding NO. Because no matter how tedious and angst filled my days are, I believe that life is a gift. Sure, sometimes I feel like I'm accomplishing absolutely nothing and I feel like I'm wasting this gift. But, I'm not going to just give up on myself and I know Tammy wouldn't either.

We all are hurting and sadness is our constant companion. We all long for the life we had and for our horrible loss to have just been a passing nightmare that we awoke from. But our nightmare wasn't a nightmare, it was tragically real. And we're left behind to somehow make a life for ourselves. A life that doesn't feel like much of a life at all.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and all of us could find peace and happiness again. I want all of us to feel like this life we have is something special. That it's where we want to be and that our futures will be filled with contentment and blissful happiness. Unfortunately, I don't have that wand. None of us do... that would be way too easy.

The only way to function in this "new" life is one day at a time. Do the best you can. And know that if today wasn't your best day, there's a chance tomorrow will be better. Build on those little "victories", and who knows, maybe in time we'll find some meaning and color and dimension. And find ourselves and our place in the world again.

Mitch

[TomPB]

When Susan and I were growing more and more connected over 48 years I never once had the thought that living without her was simultaneously becoming more impossible. We said "couldn't live without you" countless times without ever thinking one of us would face that real situation. "Tis a fearful thing to love what death can touch" - a truer line was never written.

Just saw on twitter "They are not said to be husband and wife, who merely sit together. Rather they alone are called husband and wife, who have one soul in two bodies." That's what Tom&Susan were/was.

[Sandra M.]

2 hours ago, TomPB said:

When Susan and I were growing more and more connected over 48 years I never once had the thought that living without her was simultaneously becoming more impossible. We said "couldn't live without you" countless times without ever thinking one of us would face that real situation. "Tis a fearful thing to love what death can touch" - a truer line was never written.

Just saw on twitter "They are not said to be husband and wife, who merely sit together. Rather they alone are called husband and wife, who have one soul in two bodies." That's what Tom&Susan were/was.

That's what Jim and Sandra were, also. We were constantly telling one another "I don't know what I'd do without you," and, because we were/are so closely connected spiritually, I never thought that one would have to do without the other. I thought that our souls would leave the planet together. But last December 27 I hit the painful reality that that was not to be.

I find some relief from missing Jim so darned much when I remember that his love is still with me (One of the last things that he said to me was, "I will never leave you; I will always be by your side.") and that we will meet and be together again. Switching from being together spiritually and physically is a painful transition, but there is some solace when I am able to tap into Jim's ever present love for me.

 

[TomPB]

1 hour ago, Sandra M. said:

That's what Jim and Sandra were, also. We were constantly telling one another "I don't know what I'd do without you," and, because we were/are so closely connected spiritually, I never thought that one would have to do without the other. I thought that our souls would leave the planet together. But last December 27 I hit the painful reality that that was not to be.

I find some relief from missing Jim so darned much when I remember that his love is still with me (One of the last things that he said to me was, "I will never leave you; I will always be by your side.") and that we will meet and be together again. Switching from being together spiritually and physically is a painful transition, but there is some solace when I am able to tap into Jim's ever present love for me.

 

Same for me. It helps when I can believe that Susan is really here as a spirit, not just in my memory. I've had some signs, but most recently my sister was talking to a psychic who didn't know us and with no prompting got a message to me from Susan saying she is always with me, is worried about me, and is waiting for me. That changed my thinking!

Meditation is an important part of how I try to survive grief world. Best wishes.

[Sandra M.]

1 hour ago, TomPB said:

Same for me. It helps when I can believe that Susan is really here as a spirit, not just in my memory. I've had some signs, but most recently my sister was talking to a psychic who didn't know us and with no prompting got a message to me from Susan saying she is always with me, is worried about me, and is waiting for me. That changed my thinking!

Meditation is an important part of how I try to survive grief world. Best wishes.

Wow--that message you got is so awesome!! And the fact that Susan came through without any prompting really confirms how she really IS with you!  I bet that that changed your thinking, and I am really happy for you!! By the way, how long ago did Susan pass? No special reason for asking, I'm just curious.

Interesting that you mentioned meditation because it is also a LARGE part of how I am able to survive this grief world. In fact, I often feel Jim's presence engulfing me when I'm on my meditation cushion.

Sending my best wishes to you.

Take good care of yourself.

[TomPB]

Sandra,

Here's more about the message http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/10938-real-or-what/?tab=comments#comment-138736

And here's the falcon that boarded our boat on my first sail without Susan - never even had a seagull do this before in 30 yrs of sailing http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/topic/10742-just-lost/?tab=comments#comment-135485

Odd for a skeptical scientist to be talking about such things, but my counselor says I've been "cracked open" & maybe I have.

I do this meditation almost every night. https://chopra.com/articles/healing-after-loss-meditation-for-grieving#sm.0000047xu1ty2ne7qt05yttymu676

Seems very non-Buddhist to me since I think it promotes attachment to Susan, but it's what I need. Susan passed on 3/31/17 in 10-15 min with no warning of a life threatening condition. So I'm just into year 2, very hard too believe. Best wishes and sorry you had to join this club TomPB

 

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, TomPB said:

Seems very non-Buddhist to me since I think it promotes attachment to Susan,

You may find this helpful, Tom: Continuing Bonds ~ No, Not Municipal Bonds

[TomPB]

Thanks Marty, very interesting. 

I mostly find Buddhism appealing, tho I'm a total beginner. However, I do know that one basic principle is "The origin of suffering is attachment.", and I have no desire or plan to lose my attachment to Susan. So, a little conflicted there.

[Sandra M.]

1 hour ago, MartyT said:

You may find this helpful, Tom: Continuing Bonds ~ No, Not Municipal Bonds

Tom,

There are meditation techniques that can be used to break attachment without breaking the bond of love. Also, not all attachments are negative. My brain is just too foggy to think clearly right now, but I hope this makes a little bit of sense. Also, as you said, we have to be where we are. I'm attached to Jim but our relationship was a lot about healing each other through our love and starting a business together in which Jim built prayer wheels that were filled with mantras used to heal people. We didn't think of it this way, but we used our attachment to each other to do good things.

Also, it was a high Buddhist lama who wrote that if we have been with someone intimately for a long time in one life it means that that connection is very deep and we will be together again in the future.

I am so, so sorry to hear of the sudden way in which you lost Susan. It must have been and must continue to be such a shocking thing to deal with. It sounds as though you have found a good counselor, though, which is good to hear.

I am still at work and it's finally time to pack it up and go home. Thank you for the links. I will look at them later.

May we all find ways to work with our pain.

 

[Sandra M.]

3 minutes ago, Sandra M. said:

Marty,

If my first message in which I came out with guns firing at you got posted, I am so, so sorry. It's the end of a long day and I've been running on not enough sleep for way too long. These things led me to misread and misinterpret your message. Please accept my apology.

 

[TomPB]

58 minutes ago, Sandra M. said:

Tom,

There are meditation techniques that can be used to break attachment without breaking the bond of love. Also, not all attachments are negative. My brain is just too foggy to think clearly right now, but I hope this makes a little bit of sense. Also, as you said, we have to be where we are. I'm attached to Jim but our relationship was a lot about healing each other through our love and starting a business together in which Jim built prayer wheels that were filled with mantras used to heal people. We didn't think of it this way, but we used our attachment to each other to do good things.

Also, it was a high Buddhist lama who wrote that if we have been with someone intimately for a long time in one life it means that that connection is very deep and we will be together again in the future.

I am so, so sorry to hear of the sudden way in which you lost Susan. It must have been and must continue to be such a shocking thing to deal with. It sounds as though you have found a good counselor, though, which is good to hear.

I am still at work and it's finally time to pack it up and go home. Thank you for the links. I will look at them later.

May we all find ways to work with our pain.

 

Sandra, very happy to hear your informed thoughts on this, hope to hear more.

[Shoosie2]

Tom and Sandra

If you have chance, please take a look at this article and website. It has lot of uplifting ideas on how our loved ones are, right now.

https://www.soulproof.com/loved-one-died/

I love the term  'earth-suit'. Sort of like the old Sting album title,  'Soul-Cage'.

Peace

Steph

[Shoosie2]

and BTW, all of the links, in this and all of the other articles, are truly inspiring and comforting- IMHO.

Peace

Steph

[Sandra M.]

2 hours ago, Shoosie2 said:

and BTW, all of the links, in this and all of the other articles, are truly inspiring and comforting- IMHO.

Peace

Steph

Thanks so much Steph! I'll check this out.

Peace to you, too!

Sandra

[ElizabethMC]

Dear Sandra, I think I know how you feel. 

My husband of 36 years passed on a month ago, March 15, and I am dying inside.

He was/is my entire world. 

I see no beauty. I feel no happiness. I am completely alone, going through the motions of being alive.

The pain is actually getting worse with time.

If not for our dog, I would have no reason for breathing.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to offer words to help relieve your suffering. 

The only thing that gives me comfort is the absolute belief that my husband is now whole again in God's light -strong, brilliant, beautiful and happy.

[kayc]

Oh Elizabeth, my heart goes out to you.  My dog also keeps me going, that and the thought of being together again and knowing he is well and in good hands.

[TomPB]

Elizabeth, sorry you've joined this club but you've found a good place with people who actually understand what it means to lose a soulmate.  I've just started year 2. What keeps me breathing is friends and family and a wonderful counselor and the idea that I should honor Susan and pass along the love she gave me, and a few other things like swimming, music etc. I have OK periods but then there's always another grief attack. What was best is now worst so a cool cloudy Sunday when it would be perfect to hibernate with Susan is making me very lonely right now. Best wishes and welcome TomPB

[mittam99]

8 hours ago, ElizabethMC said:

Dear Sandra, I think I know how you feel. 

My husband of 36 years passed on a month ago, March 15, and I am dying inside.

He was/is my entire world. 

I see no beauty. I feel no happiness. I am completely alone, going through the motions of being alive.

The pain is actually getting worse with time.

If not for our dog, I would have no reason for breathing.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to offer words to help relieve your suffering. 

The only thing that gives me comfort is the absolute belief that my husband is now whole again in God's light -strong, brilliant, beautiful and happy.

Elizabeth,

My wife Tammy died suddenly on March 6, 2015.  She was all that mattered to me in this would. She truly was my everything. I know how right now, so early in your grief "journey",  there just seems to be no color in this world. Just darkness and shades of gray. I understand the feeling that this life without your beloved feels like a life not worth living. I've been there. This is the hardest, most painful and angst filled thing any of us will go through in our lives.

It's a process, albeit a very slow and painful one. It's a one day at a time life. One thing that's helped me cope with the pain of losing my Tammy is honoring her memory and trying to keep her alive in that way. I post about her here all the time. She will always be a part of me. She changed me, made me a better person. In the same way, you carry your husband inside you, heart and soul. Every step you take and every breath you take you still take with him. I'm convinced that my Tammy is here, guiding me, helping me and still loving me, although I can't touch her or see her.

Your road ahead won't be easy, I won't sugar coat that. Reading the posts here will help. The members of this forum understand what grieving the loss of a soul mate truly entails. My heart goes out to you on your loss.

Mitch

[Sandra M.]

8 hours ago, ElizabethMC said:

Dear Sandra, I think I know how you feel. 

My husband of 36 years passed on a month ago, March 15, and I am dying inside.

He was/is my entire world. 

I see no beauty. I feel no happiness. I am completely alone, going through the motions of being alive.

The pain is actually getting worse with time.

If not for our dog, I would have no reason for breathing.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to offer words to help relieve your suffering. 

The only thing that gives me comfort is the absolute belief that my husband is now whole again in God's light -strong, brilliant, beautiful and happy.

Dear Elizabeth,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband. For me it hasn't been words from others that have brought me comfort so much as it's been their open hearts behind their words. I truly appreciate your openheartedness towards me and thank you for it. I, too, wish that I had words of comfort to offer you as you are having to live with what most likely is the most pain you have ever had to deal with.

I am going through this pretty much alone. I have one family member, my sister, and no close friend. My sister lives on the east coast and emails frequently but that's not having a someone close by. I'm just telling you this because I wanted to share that I went to a counselor several times after Jim passed and really let loose and cried from a very deep place. Those sessions have proven to be what has been most helpful for me. I don't know if that's something you might want to think about.

I get comfort, too, from knowing that my sweetheart is now free from the suffering of living with cancer for six years and is in what Buddhists call a Buddha realm.

Be gentle with yourself and appreciate yourself for having the strength to go through this.

And, keep coming here. I have found comfort here many times in just the short amount of time since I joined.

 

 

[ElizabethMC]

Thank you, everyone, for your kindness and generosity. It's going to be a really hard time for me, I know, just as it is for everyone else here. 

My nature is to be very private, so commenting like this is hard for me.

I don't know if I will be commenting in the future, but I think I will be checking in to read comments to hopefully benefit that way.

I wish with all my heart that we all find light in our lives.

E.