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Today has been a really rough day for me. I miss Butters so much and her sister Taz is to, Taz has been walking around the house meowing and giving me such a sad look and all I have done is cry and try to comfort her. Taz & Butters were always very close, they would lay together and clean one another all the time since they were babies. They love each other as much as I love them and I wish I could make her feel better but all I can do is try to comfort her. I have done nothing but cry all day and have been so depressed knowing I'll never hold my sweet baby again. She will always be a part of me in my heart and I will alway love her and everything reminds me of her.

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I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. I lost my baby, Chewy, a little more than a week ago and I've done nothing but cry. Chewy was a Pekingese and he had two kitty sisters who are missing him too. One of my cats has also been walking around the house meowing like crazy all week too. I know she is wondering where her big brother is. It is so hard. I hope you feel better soon. 

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Sorry to hear about your loss to its so hard dealing with loosing our babies I have Butters 2 sisters and the one she was closest to taz was completely lost for quite a while after Butters was euthanized she's just starting to come out of it. How old was your baby 

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He was 13 years and 7 months old. I got him when he was 10 weeks old. I know I am blessed to have had him with me for so long, but I really thought I would have another year or so. 

I'd like to share my story with you. On April 20, 2018, my dog, Chewy, was fine all day. He was 13 yrs 7 mos old. He ate breakfast and seemed completely fine all day, with the exception, of course, of the slowing down due to aging that seemed to be getting gradually worse over the past several months. Around dinner time that night, he would not eat and I immediately knew something was wrong, as he has always had a hearty appetite. I kept an eye on him for the next hour and he seemed okay but would not eat, then he suddenly collapsed while walking through the kitchen and had a brief seizure. A month or so earlier, I woke in the middle of the night and noticed he was having some sort of episode, and at the time I thought it was a bad dream, and when it happened again, I suspected a seizure, but the episodes were mild and brief. A lot of what I read online about dog seizures did not seem to be what he experienced, at least I thought so at the time.  My husband took him for his annual vet check up in March 2018 and I could not go because I had to work. I told my husband to tell the doc about the seizure and he forgot, so I knew I had to set up another appointment soon, but just had not done so it yet. The night of April 20, we took Chewy to an emergency vet after the seizure at about 10 pm. The doc initially misunderstood me and thought I said the seizure lasted 30 minutes, and he wanted to put him on a 12 hour overnight emergency seizure drip. My husband was very reluctant to leave him there overnight. When I clarified the seizure was more like 30 seconds, the doc quickly changed his mind and recommended we take him home and get to our regular vet in the morning. I stayed up with Chewy all night and his condition deteriorated by the hour. He could not walk very well, and soon seemed to be having trouble even sitting up and he seemed to have trouble breathing. My husband thought he had a stroke by the way he was acting. By about 6 am I called the emergency vet back and said I needed to bring him in again since my vet did not open until 8 am and I was not even sure if the doc would be in that day or that early. I honestly did not think he would make it until then. The doc ran lots of tests. He had developed a heart mass, possible heart tumor, had water building up on the lungs, a few kidney stones, and developed acute pneumonia literally overnight. I just could not believe all of this happened so fast, as he seemed fine that morning and he just had his vet checkup. I am angry my regular vet did not notice a thing, even though he had no symptoms, that heart issue and lungs had to be developing for some time. Chewy was suffering and my husband and I did not think he was going to come back from this. He had another seizure on the way back to the vet, in my lap, in the car, and I was so scared and freaking out. The odd thing is the vet wanted to treat him one minute and then said euthanasia was the right thing to do the next minute. I was so distraught and confused. I was a wreck. I still am. We decided euthanasia was the right course of action and I am having terrible feelings of guilt. I am also replaying that entire episode over and over in my head, as you noted. I keep thinking of the "what-ifs" what if we insisted on treatment and he pulled through. I hate myself for this decision. I wish I would have insisted on treatment. I think he could have had another good year or year and a half with treatment. I know he would have had to be on heart and seizure meds for the rest of his life, but I will never know if they would have worked and if they would have provided a decent quality of life. The not know is killing me. I think I made a decision that I should not have made and I was just so scared he was going to continue to suffer. I was such a mess and had no sleep that I don't think I was thinking clearly. I do wish he would have died peacefully in his sleep but I cannot change what happened. My house is so empty and quiet without him. I spent every waking moment taking care of him for 13 years and 5 months. We have not left him alone for more than a couple hours for the past 4 years. When we used to go on vacation (rarely) we left him with my husband's parents who spoiled him rotten. My life is never going to be the same. I could not eat for a few days. I still cannot sleep. The mornings are very hard because he was the center of my routine every single day and going to bed is difficult since I used to carry him with me every single night. My heart is broken in a million pieces and I don't think I will ever be the same. I cannot imagine ever being as happy as I was and I cannot stand the thought of never seeing him again. I have been through this before. I had my first dog when I was in kindergarten and he lived until I was 19. I got my second dog when he died and she lived until I was 34, which is when I got Chewy nearly 14 years ago. Losing the first two was so hard but this time it feels worse, seemingly more painful. I am angry with my vet. A year ago, Chewy had to have a tumor removed from the base of his tail and the doc also had to remove his tail. He bounced back from that surgery and seemed like a puppy again for a while. His hair never grew back on his butt and he started losing more hair. When we took him to get his stitches removed, the doc casually told my husband, "oh yeah dogs lose hair when they have a thyroid condition and he is old." When my husband told me this I was a little freaked out and I said well, what did the doc say about treating him and my husband said the doc kind of brushed it off saying he is old. So, we figured we would mention this at the next appointment and also see about getting pain meds for arthritis, but the doc brushed it off and said we can talk about the arthritis after he recovers from the surgery. I could kick myself now and I should have taken him to another vet. I trusted that doc to know what to do and he did nothing. This past week, I have been researching and I see now (too late) that thyroid conditions are very serious and this causes seizures and heart tumors, and heart murmurs. I keep thinking if he had been treated last year for this thyroid issue he would not have had the seizures or developed the heart condition. I am very angry with the doc and with myself for not realizing the seriousness of his casual comment. I should have known to do something and if I had, I know my baby would still be here. This adds to my feelings of guilt and despair. I will never forgive myself for this. I just hope I did the right thing, when we decided to euthanize, but I will never know for sure and I will have to live with not knowing forever. I hate this feeling. I hate that I had to lose Chewy this way. It is so painful and I don't know what to do with myself. I feel your pain. I am so very sorry for your loss. I wish they could live with us forever and never get old, weak, or sick. 

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I completely understand what you are feeling I still wonder if I made the right decision for Butters she was so young and I had raised her from a newborn. From what everyone says what we are feeling is a normal part of the grieving process. I still second guess myself and wonder if I could have done more for her. I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this I still cry quite often and miss her more than I could ever say. If you'd like you can pm me anytime. It does help some to have someone to talk to that understands what you are going through 

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That's so sweet of you, and yes it does help to have someone to talk to who truly understands how this feels. My husband is the opposite of me - he doesn't want to talk about it. I need to talk about it and it helps me to process and have a better understanding. I raised my last dog from a newborn and she slept with me before her eyes were open. Her mom would not care for her for some reason so I did and I think that created a stronger bond than most people can imagine. I lost her 14 years ago this September, and I think about her every day. I remember being in pain when I lost her, but this time seems more difficult. I think it's because it happened so fast and I really thought I would have my baby a little longer. I imagine it is much more difficult losing them so young and your baby was so very young. I'm not much of a religious person but I've been praying for strength to get through this and I will say a prayer for you too. Thank you for listening. 

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I understand what you mean about your husband being the opposite of you mine is the same way and that makes it even harder to deal with. I'm here for you any time you want to chat 

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18 hours ago, Buttersmom said:

I completely understand what you are feeling I still wonder if I made the right decision for Butters she was so young and I had raised her from a newborn. From what everyone says what we are feeling is a normal part of the grieving process. I still second guess myself and wonder if I could have done more for her. I don't think I'll ever be able to get over this I still cry quite often and miss her more than I could ever say. If you'd like you can pm me anytime. It does help some to have someone to talk to that understands what you are going through 

It is normal to second guess yourself afterwards just because we want the outcome to be different and miss them so much.  Euthanasia is sometimes the kindest thing we can do for them so they don't suffer anymore.  I'm sorry for your loss, I know it's rough.

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