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20 hours ago, Tachi said:

maybe I should be able to just be understanding and not take it personally and just understand whats wrong with him.

Ideally.  But it's hard, we have feelings too.  I guess it helps to remind ourselves that they aren't in their right minds and they're scared of the changes they notice within themselves.  I found myself being understanding of my mom and then BAM!  She'd be nasty and it'd be hard to remember all that again!

My mom left everything to my brother, she has SIX kids!  It hurt.  There wasn't a lot left after dementia care took it all, but still, it's the idea that she didn't value us girls.  Again, I remind myself she wasn't in her right mind...ever, and dementia and paranoia were no friends to her!

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I'm sorry to hear that. You've been thru so much and yet you're here helping others. I'd say you have a strong spirit. I decided to just try being nicer and being thoughtfull. This isa trying time for both of us so we will see how it goes. 

I've been out of work and studying to get into IT. No clue if he really understands but the other day he tells me i dont have to worry about all that. Because it wont be very long before I come into alot of money and wont have to work. He thinks there will be enough money left over after selling the house and paying off the mortgage. Kind of like he was enticing me with the lure of money.  I like to eat as much as anyone but honestly at this point other than basic needs it just doesnt matter to me. And theres no lure for me, I would rather be treated with respect. There is an inheritance that my great aunt left in Mom's care to be split between me and my brother. He is going to use it to pay off her medical bills and then split it three ways between us all. That will all be invested. 

Hope you have a good Sunday. I am starting to plan a picture for Mom. She always loved her garden so will do one for her. Probably end up doing many but this will be a start.

Take care

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I hope you'll show the picture when you're done, I'm sure she'll love it.

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I will....hope you had a good Moms Day. I'm trying to just find ways to get along with my dad. I am having some enlightening moments for my life. I realise that what I had hoped and dreamed for a few years ago when I moved back are gone. So I let go and opened my hand. Have been going thru my room and closets and there were quite alot of books and some movies that I had stockpiled for a career in 3d art and got rid of em. My best friend is getting two boxes in the mail lol. I was hanging on in the hope in a ghost of a dream. I realised that I hadn't used them in a year or more and probably wouldnt ever. Time to cut those away and focus that energy on what matters now. There are other things that I wont give up but I just dont have the time now. Hoping that there will be a drop in the drama her for a bit and will start work on a garden, may be several so will see if I still can use these rusty skills.

Take care

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Sorry but no garden yet. I find it extremely difficult to concentrate and focus.  Studying has been dificult at best.  dad has his ups and downs. he will get really tired for a few days and feel horrid and then be near normal again. He has alot of trouble understanding things and gets offended when I explain the truth to him. he tends to argue like a lil kid. I think it offends him that someone doesnt agree with him.  Mom basically spoiled him, agreeing with everything and telling him how wonderfull it all was. Its just a mess, he complains about weakness in his legs but then wont go to PT and wont believe me that PT isnt a workout club. lol. Tonight he was convinced he was paying my car insurance.....there's a TV series in this somewhere.

Anyway, just wanted to let ya know I havent forgotten and will post when I get pic done. I hope you've been well, take care

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Mother's Day was hard, I didn't know what to reply to you.  I didn't hear from my kids all day until my son called and woke me up that night.  Then I called my daughter so she wouldn't wake me up after I got back to sleep.  The church remembered us moms with a breakfast the guys put on and a rose, that was sweet.  My daughter is going through a really hard time with her husband...divorce looks inevitable (he's alcoholic).  I got a chance to spend some time with her this week and will again with my son and grandchildren this weekend.

Your dad does sound like my mom when her dementia kicked in.  If you message me with your email address, I have an e-book I can send to you that helped me tremendously, it's short and simple, but really addresses how to deal with dementia-affected family members.

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Thanks message sent. The little bit that i've come up with is we play it day by day. Life isn't against us it just 'is'. My dad is how he is and he wont change. Our situations can't be wished away. But our challenge is to find joy and happiness despite the sorrow and pain. There is always love and there is always hope...tho at times they seem to be hiding. I am down to one friend, as I knew it would be. My best friend and more like family than anyone in my family. Everyone from work is a friend until you leave then they fade. In the hard times, when it seems dark remember that God gives you strength, you are a light in the darkness and always have the choice to shine...if even just for yourself. I forget that sometimes :)

I know your daughter is going thru a bad time, she will get thru this. My own divorce many years ago and then my rebound after were just horrible mistakes. What I tell people is whether you think you need it or not talk to someone, get some help. Hopefully your Church has some counselling available. It's good that she has you to help her through this. These days its never a given that family or friends will help in the tough times.

Take care of yourself and your daughter. Will remember her in my prayers.

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My daughter doesn't live here, the pastor at her church is really young and not all pastors are trained in counseling.  Until he quits drinking, changes job/friends, marriage counseling would be a waste, but he won't do anything to help himself/them.  I've no doubt she'll get help for herself but right now she's in survival mode.  We appreciate your prayers!

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Sounds like she does just need to take care of herself. Hard to help someone who doesnt want it. If by chance there's a University close that has a counselling program they may offer community services. When I was going through my divorce we went to see a counsellor at TCU Bright Seminary. Remember it like it was yesterday, after that last session I walked her to the car and opened the door. I said 'gee honey I feel better how about you'. She looked at me funny and said....'I didnt talk about anything that bothers me'. She was just dragging me thru hell. That's when I knew there was no hope. Your daughter isn't alone and that's good. Take good care and tell her that no matter how dark it is now she WILL make it. Look beyond the pain of the moment. She'll make it.

Take care,

Scott

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She's a bright resilient young woman, I know she'll be okay...if he'd just get out the door.  She was better off the eight months they were separated.  I've been through divorce, I know exactly how she's feeling, it's a process to get there, not anything instant, for sure.  She's getting there more every day.  I am ready, in standby, for when she's ready.  My family has been so supportive.  We plan on having a birthday party for her this month, I think it'll lift her spirits to be with all of us.

I told her a year ago that when I was going through it, I'd get up, look in the mirror, and tell myself, "It won't be like this forever."  She opened her eyes wide and said, "I do that!"  Must be a survival technique.  ;)

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Sounds like she's in good hands then. I made mistakes going through and after mine unfortunately. Nowadays they make humorous tales, sadly. 

Take care :)

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Well I hope youre doing well. Not good at all here. I honestly dont even know what to think or do anymore. The 3d software I use for landscapes quit working and the tech guys couldnt figure out why, the community manager finally told me I was too stupid to run it. Software I have used for many years. Looking for something to repalce it but mostly studying to get into IT. Depends on tbh how long dad survives. He doesnt like me anymore anyway but he needs a houseboy.

may I ask if you own your own home? Dad has been wanting to make it easier for us after he passes and he wants to add my name to the deed. As far as I know the mortgage is current as is the insurance and taxes but it still scares me very much.  And one more quesrtion if I may...is the person with the estate responsible usually for planning that estate? Or would the executor? My Dad is going ape telling me how ive failed in not planning on how to handle the estate after he's gone. Honestly I have always been under the impression that the person with the estate does it. he never said anything, never asked me to do it or help. his responsibility he says is to make his will and die. Having an incredibly hard time with him. My dad is someone who is spoiled, thinks he is always right and that everyone has to agree with him. he is never wrong and will fight to the death any other opinion. At this poin if I could leave I would but I cant afford it.

anyway, we seem to chat in the worst circumstances and I apologise for that

Take good care

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My friend, it seems to me that your questions about your dad's estate and your role as an executor need to be answered by someone who is qualified to answer such questions. You would do well to consult with an attorney who specializes in estate planning.

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Thanks Marty, I am waiting for them to call back. I have googling estate planning since lunch and every single thing ive read is the person with the estate does the planning. I think he just realised he hadnt done it and cant blame himself. I dont know how to deal with someone who thinks they are never wrong. I tried an endrun and say well im helping now but I want to have some questions answered by an atty. He just keeps pointing out how I am not doing anything and didnt do my job and hes done helping. 

Sorry but hes a child and I dont know how to handle it.

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My friend Jim went through something convoluted at the end of his mom's life...she had listed his daughter as her sole heir as extracting her promise to take care of her in her old age.  Of course his daughter was all about getting the goods and not doing a thing.  I encouraged him to get this straightened out before she died and am so glad I pushed him as he can be a huge procrastinator.  He had a talk with his mom about planning her estate, and she wanted to get her will redone.  He was able to give her his perspective and I'm glad he did.  He got an estate notary to come to her home, she asked her questions to ascertain her state of mind, and proceeded to notarize her signing of the will, which an estate attorney had drawn up ahead of time.  He said all in all everything cost about $10,000 for fees, but she had properties and tobacco fields in another state, so it was a little more complicated than someone with one home.  The home she did own had renters in it, and he ended up moving her to his place at the end to take care of her...he went without sleep and didn't have help caring for her at the end of her life.  She never did have an official diagnosis, I'd have to say old age or failure to thrive, she didn't have cancer or anything you could put la name on.  He spent about a year settling her estate, he'd quit his job to take care of her, most people couldn't afford to do so, but he had a roommate and no house payments so that helped.  As executor of estate, they allow you a certain amount to pay for your time as well as expenses involved.  Still, it's not a coveted job, it can be hard.  He had to deal with the renters, fixing up the house, putting it on the market (during the recession), he and his friend did the work themselves.  They literally had to pull the carpets out, etc. and dry them out as the roof leaked, had to re-roof, etc.  None of it fun!  I'm sure he wouldn't care to repeat any part of that year.  It had been in disarray as the property management place had done little but take their fees, and in the end she got nothing from it other than paying them!  If your dad has his own home only, it sounds much simpler, but even so, you need the legal advice the attorney can provide.  He had to go about everything legally as his daughter threatened challenging the will...in the end, she didn't.  Deciding what to disburse among family members, what to sell, if it's not covered explicitly in the will, it can be difficult to navigate.  

I've seen a lot of scenarios in this situation in my lifetime, sometimes family can be surprising.  Many of them want little to do with being executor of the estate, they just want what they can get out of it.  In my family, my brother was fortunate that none of us girls fought him on it or created any problems for him, we appreciated everything he did do for my mom and honored her wishes, as unfair as they might be, they were hers to make.  In other families, that's not often the case.  Your dad really should be the one talking to the attorney, and it'd be good if you could overhear the discussion, but it's HIS estate to plan, HIS decisions about who to leave what to and how much.  Your place is more to know what is going on and what to expect and if you can do any legwork for him, that's great, but I needn't tell you he should be appreciative of the effort you're putting in.  I hope you don't let his sudden interest in this derail you from your schooling, continue to reach your goals.  I'm sorry you're going through the 3D imaging software problems.  Honestly, all you can do with other people's opinions about your intelligence is put it where it belongs, in the wastebasket.  ;)  Good luck to you, it doesn't sound like you're having much of a fun time!  Keep your goals in mind, you'll get there.

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Thanks Kay, 

Dad's strategy is to get everything of value in my name. That way nothing needs to go through probate and it will be much easier at that time. Having my name on the deed of the house is new for me and scary. I don't want to become responsible and then find out there are things I need to pay for. But as far as I know everything is on the level. We will talk to his banker next week and after asking a few questions get it done.  The estate is pretty clean, house bank accts and car. His other idea is to only keep in the house what we need to live and find a company to run an estate sale. I think thats a good idea as ive thought it will take forever to get this place cleaned out. I am working this weekend on a list of questions for an attorney. I have no clue how and what when the time comes. But I know that things have to be done properly. One thing I dont know is why all of a sudden this comes up with such force for him. Lol, i tried explaining that estate planning was his job but he fought like his life depended on it. Talked to him today and we will get his plan done so he is happy.

Yes ma am, I seem to have gotten sidetracked from school. I can say honestly that I can do better and I have to block out all these distractions. Im giving it a couple weeks and then take the fisrst exam, and the second by the end of the year. then it might be classes or studying for the next certification in line. I also considered finding work at a pc repair shop part time for experience. But first things first. 

I had some insight the other day. One issue I have is lack of purpose. i was working fulltime and doing 3d artwork...so I was the art guy...and helping with Mom and dad. Well, now i'm out of work all year and Mom's gone and Art is no longer a professional option. I find that I have difficulty learning, exhibiting symptoms of ADD and such. I also had noticed that since i'm not walking around at work all day I am starting to have some aches and pains. So i've started working out. Surprisingly I find that the exercise I got at work was worthless as far as overall fitness. I am not able to work out for very long or very hard. So I break it down into three parts and rest well between. 

Here is my thought. This time is my last rest before the last phase of my life. I need to become healthy and strong in mind, body, and spirit or I am going to have many bad difficulties in the future. So this is my plan...to become healthy and strong and resilient. get my certifications and get a job in IT. Thank you for your words of encouragement. You do so much remind me of the ladies in our family in Ohio. : take good care of yourself and thank you.

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I worked in an office all my life, not much for physical workout either!  It was smaller offices and I found if I broke it up by taking out the garbage, cleaning the office, etc. or running an errand, it helped rather than sit still for eight hours straight.  But still it's not physical exercise.  I'm glad to be out of it!

Let us know when you get your certs and job!

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Yes I dont think i've ever had a sitdown job. never had a m-f -5 job either. Always having to work crazy hours and holidays. Well, not this year. Sadly I dont think Dad cares that its almost Christmas. he doesn't believe in God and since he is a narcissist and thinks he is perfect he doesnt see why he needs to be saved. I think he only ever did anything at Christmas because of Mom. He seems tired here lately and im sure hes sad. I miss Mom too. Going to drag the decorations down from the attic tomorrow and try and do some decorating. He already told me he sees no point in having a tree. I've already told him i'm getting a small artificial one. Being a narcissist and perfect he believes that what he thinks is the only way to think. So he assumes that I think like he does and that hasnt been true since I was ten years old. I guess he was spoiled by Mom, she loved him so much she agreed with everything he said and told him how wonderfull. She was his enabler. The things we do for love. 

 

On a good note and i will honestly give God all the credit...I passed my first exam with 80%. I felt there was no way I would pass it and wasn't ready. But when i got in there i was totally relaxed and finished the exam with a half hour to spare. I should have gone over it again but was ready to end it.  Many things from the material that i still cant do so will start studying for the second exam and find a way to catch the rest from the first, cheer dad up a bit and decorate for Christmas.  

I will say it again, thank you folks for your kindness and I hope you have a Merry Christmas. God bless and keep you. 

 

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And you you too, Tachi!  Maybe decorating will give you some feeling of Christmas in the air.  I enjoy my tree, even though all alone with my dog and cat.  The dog seems to like it, I don't think the cat has noticed.

And CONGRATULATIONS on your test!

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