Mom

[Tachi]

Way I think now and esp since I live in a large metro area, there are no guarantees. no assured safety. Ive never owned a gun. Altho when I have shot a gun at a target im a very good shot. But havent been able to convince myself to get one. I know I should but still. 

Sounds like between the larder and freezers you wont run out of food. dad had wanted a generator here but I dont think we would be without elec more than a day or two. I balk at fuel storage. No idea how long it could run doing the entire house but if fuel isnt available for refill.....but we do need firewood. 

I add to the canned goods every month, getting a dutch oven and frame for the fireplace. Discovered that Spam is precooked and can get the ow sodium. tastes pretty good too so will get more. Bread I think is the only thing that I was lost on but found I can make panbread/tortillas without yeast.

take good care of you. id say someone in family needs to take peggy and let you heal and stay off the foot. But then its easier to deal with someone elses family than your own. 

dad sleeps more now. No idea. he is back onto his glasses now, they need adjustment, then its his seat cushion. that he wont sit on. he has a thing on his behind. Doc thought diaper rash and/or bedsore forming. told him to change his diaper more often and use the cushion. Exactly what I had told him.  And gave him a cream. he ran thru a month of cream in two weeks. I told him to use less, nope. Anyway, you know the deal.

My best friend wants to go visit faroe Isles. When his Mom passes away he will have no real ties here and if he could find a job he would move for good. It looks like a great place. I can only imagine. 

Myself I remember my trip to Colorado my senior year in HS, 1975. We hiked up the continental divide in the snow and as I looked across the range of mtns and the clouds and storms and snow. I never wanted to leave. Will always carry that with me.

Hang in there, do your best, scratch kodie on the ears for me. 

[kayc]

They sell low sodium spam on Amazon, you might find it elsewhere cheaper, maybe Walmart on line?
I've learned to do w/o regular bread but make some amazing "english muffin" substitutes and rolls, no wheat/gluten.

I hear you on your dad not listening to you, story of my life now!  It's very aggravating/annoying/tiresome!

I hope Peggy will hire Beverly for more than just driving, but she doesn't like to let loose of control, yet she NEEDS someone there and doesn't do anything for herself!  She paid her bills this time, I think she wants me to butt out but she's not capable anymore.  I can let her fail and when the electricity gets turned off next time maybe she'll listen?  Maybe not.

11 hours ago, Tachi said:

I can only imagine.

Yeah, me too.  More and more I can relate to you, everything you say/feel, amazing what dealing with dementia does.

11 hours ago, Tachi said:

Myself I remember my trip to Colorado my senior year in HS, 1975. We hiked up the continental divide in the snow and as I looked across the range of mtns and the clouds and storms and snow. I never wanted to leave. Will always carry that with me.

That is so beautiful!  Take good care of yourself, praying we never get dementia and lose these beautiful memories.  I will always carry with me my trip abroad (Denmark, Holland, Sweden), it seems another world, another time and place.  These happy memories are so far away.  Like memories of my all too short time with George, he's been gone 16 years now, it seems a lifetime, I remember like a movie I once watched, it seems so remote from my existence now, but never will I forget!  If we can help it, I will never get dementia!  I will do my level best to take care of myself, and from everything I'm reading, what we take into our bodies and how we live absolutely can play a part so not only heredity, but self-care also.

12 hours ago, Tachi said:

Hang in there, do your best, scratch kodie on the ears for me. 

Aww my little Kodie bud.  His GF has been in heat the last couple of weeks, he tries and tries but alas can't reach her with his short little legs.  She laid down once for him, we'll see if he succeeded or not, but I rather doubt it.  Meanwhile they bred her with another Husky...we'll see how they come out!  I'll be glad when the heat is over and he cries for her constantly, including middle of the night.  He's got a bad case of it, ha!  Young stud that he is...

[Tachi]

Decided to take the labor day weekend off. Boy howdy did I plan on getting my own stuff done. Havent really done anything. Today im working off my to-do list so I dont start the week behind.

I wanted a bread to make in case we cant get it from the store. yeast I read doesnt keep well. I can make tortillas tho. One time I tried the first side was great but the other side didnt cook well. need practice I guess.

Dad is napping alot. he will sit down in front of TV and just sit, then fall asleep. Not all the time but alot. I offer to find him a movie but he says he'll find one, and finds his eyes closed. Ive ket putting off the Trust cause I was afraid he wouldnt be acceptable to the notary, cognizant. Have to do that this week, have to.

Ive lost understanding of what goes on in their minds. I can guess they are used to being in control and dont want to accept how much theyve changed and probably dont even see it. Hopefully she lets Beverly do alot of helping. Alot.

Ive read many things about life. How its ever changing and moving moment to moment, nothing is  permanent. The time on the mountain I will alwats remember but it isnt now. That doesnt make it any less real. That just makes it a different piece of time, still very much a part of me. Perhaps when we pass it all catches up and our entire life is present at once. Perhaps that wont matter. But one day you will be with George again. And then your present moment will be forever with him. 

Poor kodie, sounds like a Jr High kid lol. back in the day someone would say he needs a cold shower. He's a good pup.

I wanted to ask about the fires. Do they have them controlled?

here are more flowers. That last one is now as tall as me. No flowers but big and strong. I'm greatly enjoying the color and subtle shading and variation. The tall skinny stalks I think are Zinnia. That last one I have no idea. 

Talk good care of yourself, Play catch with Kodie for me.

 

 

[kayc]

Wow, all I can say is Wow!  to the flowers, the beautiful brick work, everything!  I love your writing, it transports me.  Sure you didn't miss your calling?

I understand needing a day to just not do anything but BE.  We need to replenish, I rarely do that.  I think I have to get sick before I'm down, and it's been years since I remember being sick. That's okay, don't want to!

Jazzy is finally out of heat, pretty sure she's pregnant (she's tired and we've seen other changes), they mated her with another Husky, would love it if Kodie could have but it's doubtful with his little short legs, not for lack of trying though!    She did lay down for him once though so who knows?  The "dad" is black and white like Kodie with a mask so only way to tell would be the size, he was a pretty little guy.

No the fires aren't under control, Quis is but not Gales, it's about four miles north of here, about nine miles north of Oakridge.  It got out of control (they didn't say how) and the smoke is horrid.  This is the prediction yesterday for air, the highest I'd ever seen before was in the 700s, the surface level (ground up 26') was 2805!  My allergies are having a hayday, I can't breathe in spite of two very potent air filtration systems.  I have to mask up for our walks.  I've cut Kodie and Jazzy's play dates down from one hour to 1/2 hour.  

My house is finally painted and thing put back in order, he will come back and sand/stain the front porch deck when the smoke is better and he has time.  I was stunned at what he charged, I budgeted $2,500 and the more I saw him do I expected it to be up to $3,500 (my ex-fiance quoted me $4,500 twelve years ago!) and he only charged me $1,300!  It looks like a new place...well as new as a 43 1/2 year old mobile home can look!    Hopefully next summer I can get the back of the carport replaced and jacked up onto cement blocks.  I need to get the shed taken down but it can wait until it falls down, no hurry.  One thing at a time.  Not sure I'm ready for winter after this horrid summer.

My sister has now turned against me, hanging up on me, lashing out horribly, attacking me, she changed after I told her she needed to get another driver for the morning after my foot surgery.  She's in denial about the dementia.  She said I'm posting all over the computer about her (she's never seen the internet or owned a computer so this is all imaginary, like my mom with her paranoia.  She hung up on me twice.  I've never seen her like this!  With my head I know it's the dementia but my human heart hurts.  How can it not!  I asked her "Do you not realize how much I care about you?"  She didn't answer.  Then she got angry.  This is not fun, is it!

I hope you get a chance to spend time with your beautiful flowers, to me it's amazing that someone can create such beauty and then photograph it!  I'm not good at either one.  I admire people who are!

 

[Tachi]

Life just keeps getting crazier. Every day this week have taken Dad somewhere or two. Today he slept in and is really out of it. lethargic. I take our temps every day and thats fine. His neuro yesterday doubled his med for tremors so watching carefully. he's always so changing each day I cant tell what is what.

Sorry about your sister, I know it hurts, we cant help it from hurting I think. Sounds like she has lost it. It always struck me that dementia sounds like other mental illnesses at times. Im grateful dad has mellowed and is no longer openly abusive, id have to leave. i dont have an answer, just do the best you can and ride it out. Hopefully somehow she realises she cant just snapher fingers. Just give her love, all you can do.

Yes ma'am, I missed my calling bigtime, but its way too late. Im debating now if I should return to studying or just have fun. These days I cant focus and cant spend enough continous time to do much. 

Im going to laugh if Kodie is a dad. You never know.

We hear nothing of the fires anymore. I wonder if they could round up some natl guard to help. Its very difficult I know. Sounds like turning paradise into someplace not good like New York. That air quality seems horrible. For once I wish they could crete weather and get you folks some cool rain. We're past the hottest part and trending down to low 90s day and upper 60s/70 at night. love cool weather.

I think dad has slipped a notch, he is watching football with the sound off. he's been sleeping late and napping daytime alot lately. I know his heart isnt well cause he does anything and hes huffin and puffin and straining. 

lets see, looked out to the backyard other day and a big rat was on the birdfeeder and 4 kids on the ground eating seed. Put the feeder away, set out traps, which dont work and poison which dissapears but I doubt it works so we shall see.

The house sounds good, I know you're happy to get that done. A little at a time and it'll be all done. Now if they could just get the fires under control.

Scratch Kodies belly for me and take good care of yourself.

 

[kayc]

I haven't even had time to take pictures of my house, need them in case of fire to show recent condition.

It RAINED here one day!  Kodie woke up up at 3:20 am, jumped on my lap, clearly distraught, needed loving/reassurance...he'd forgotten what rain sounded like (on my metal patio roof it really clatters loudly!), I had to hold him and then I opened the door and held him and let him know it was rain and it was okay!  It'd been over three months.  Only lasted a while but it doused everything, and cleared most of the smoke away for a while.

I didn't talk to Peggy all week after she attacked me viciously twice.  I called her and said "I don't want to talk, I have to protect my BP which is critical, but I just want to know how you are!" We had some light chat and then I got off.  I realize she'll do this again, at least I'll be more prepared next time, hopefully.  She's never been vicious before, it broke my heart.  You know with your head it's dementia but your heart is broken all the same.  I'm thinking it was set off by the caregiver as dementia patients do not handle change well, even though the lady is sweet and this is a very welcome and needed change, it's also a stress on her.  That was the ONLY thing that preceded this.  Also, from what I'm learning, they strike out at the person they're most comfortable and safe with, unfortunately, that's me.  I have to learn how to handle this new phase with more detachment & calm.  Damn it's hard!  I am backing off though, not going to acceptt full responsibility for her care, so hard after doing this for a year and knowing she's not capable.  So much the caregiver does not know...

We're not hearing much about the local fires either, I know they're still burning, and we're not out of the woods yet, but I guess no news is good?

I'd be elated if Kodie was a dad, but all bets say the full grown Siberian Husky is...maybe best not as I'd be very tempted to keep one, ha!

I think back to the stresses of the last three weeks, somehow time passes no matter what we're going through.  That's consoling somehow.

Honestly I don't know how you've continued with studies when I know how all encompassing caregiving can be.

[Tachi]

Honestly I havent been able t study for a couple weeks, I need to get back badly but dont know when. If im not doing something for dad im researching or trying to help the yard. its always something with him. Now its his shoes again and he insists on going to a store in person. Tbh he has no idea what his shoe size is but I thik he is probably an odd size, his current slippers touch his toes and heel. im afraid then he will want to start going places every day and ill have to say no. he doesnt care if I get my study done. 

Wow, you folks got rain, im jealous. hope that helps a bit. Poor Kodie, probably thought the sky was falling. At least he figured out he was ok. he always seems pretty smart.

Dont blame you with peggy. When it turns abusive its time for otehrs to help. It seems dementia is almost a roller coaster ride, there are ups but you always know the downs are coming. The neuro this past week doubled dads med, to see if it will help his tremors. For the next 3 days he kept sleeping more and more. the third day thats all he did. the next morning he seemed good but that night went to bed 2 hours early, was really out of it and confused. he seems a bit better today but hes very active, coming up w/ schemes and doesnt make much sense. Something about working on solving an emergency situation wuith his walker, then a better way to get out of bed. He refuses handrails and such as they dont work. you know how it is, anything not his idea wont work. Cause he knows better than all the doctors and nurses. But, what he doesnt know is that they wont work because he has an antique bedframe and the frame is higher than the gap between the bottom and the mattress. So you cant slide the support bar in. Dad doesnt listen to reason, best practices or anything other than he alone holds truth. tired of the games.

Need to get my time back. but as he has always been give him an inch and he takes a mile and expects it every time. thats why i give him nothing and fight for my freedom. I have to get back to study even if he tosses me out, because if I dont he will pass and I wont be employable. 

I dont get to see news on the fires, I know its all very dry but seems like a horribly long fight. maybe once winter hits, maybe then it rains.

You have to do what you know is best, no matter the heart says. You cant change Peggy just be there should she need. 

My laptopis breaking. The frame around the screen. i glued it once and now cracked. The computer industry is having alot of troubling getting processors. In my shopping I saw older ones, cheap ones, and then expensive gaming ones. they were upwards of $2000=insane. So i got a cheap model justto do the internet. dad offered to pitch in 600. I know that isnt free and he uses it as a hook to make me feel guilty and do things for him but I will ignore that. 

What drives me crazy  is he just refuses t understand he has some issues and limitations. Something doesnt work so he blames it when really its he isnt using it properly. the remote and tv are always at fault, his chair, phone, bed, you name it. He hasnt realised how bad he has been this week. Going to skip his 2nd neuro pill and hope hes better tomorrow. e also doesnt understand all the time I spend on his stuff even tho he doesnt see it. 

Oh well, we are here, learn from the past and fight for my freedom. move forward, get some new dogtoys and ya'all have fun. Take good care.

 

[kayc]

9 hours ago, Tachi said:

Dad doesnt listen to reason, best practices or anything other than he alone holds truth. tired of the games.

OMG, I could say the same for Peggy!  Back doing for her as no one else seems to think of anything.  I feel like I'm having to manage two households/lives!  BUT my BP was 118/62 this morning!  I'm trying to strike a balance between thinking/dealing with her needs and letting go, if that makes sense.

I hope you don't lose yourself in him.  Could you get some help caregiving?  VERY hard to be all to him 24/7 and it'll only get worse.  We can only be/do so much!  OMG can I relate to things you say!

9 hours ago, Tachi said:

he has always been give him an inch and he takes a mile and expects it every time.

I totally relate!  Peggy has an entitlement attitude too.  Like she said, "YOU'RE THE YOUNGER ONE!"  To which I retorted, "And where were you when you were my age?  I'll tell you where you were, sitting in your easy chair, reading, talking on the phone, watching t.v., eating...NOT doing for others!!!"  She has never done anything for me or anyone else!  She's lived life for herself.  I care about her but I am not enslaved to her, I don't owe her anything, what I do, I do out of the goodness of my heart.  Period.

The closest fire is only 20% contained, at least the other close one is contained now.  We are to get a downpour this weekend but unfortunately lightening predicted to come with it...most of the fires were started that way.  

I do hope you can get your study time in, if you have to go out to a shed to do so!  

At least my house is done being painted and everything back in array!  He still needs to do the front porch deck but no hurry as it's covered, the weather won't be conducive to it for some time now.

9 hours ago, Tachi said:

he just refuses t understand he has some issues and limitations.

Uh-huh!  I get it!

Doing my best to get Peggy to call the new doctor and get records transferred from old place, caregiver has done neither.  Ugh.  Do I have to think for everyone?!  It feels like it.  Lord help me if I end up like this, just shoot me and get it over with! 

Kodie is my everything, incentive/reward, he keeps me going.  He is such a sweetie.  I wish you had one.

 

[Tachi]

Going to write a partial reply and then another in a couple days. My mind is just so unfocused. 

You really do have to let go after youve done what you can do. Cant make em do anything, understand, agree, cant make em better, cant fix it. My dad sits in a roller office chair at the dinner table. One of many chairs hes been through. I went outside and he was halfway to his tv chair and sitting in the office chair looking at his roller. I asked if he was going to stand up and he answered nonsense. When I cam back in he had pushed himself across the carpet and asked where he kept that office chair at night. I told him he left it at the table. he would stand up and use his walker to get to his TV chair. he had forgotten something very basic that he does twice a day. Which means he could do things that are very dangerous. 

On the good side he didnt have a 2nd neuro pill last night and he seems noticable better today so no 2nd pill tonight either. 

yes cant get swallowed up. most of the day i dont need to babysit him. If tht comes then he probably needs to go into a home. Ive been hearing some horrible stories of that what with the nurses being fired and so many places so short staffed. 

Very happy your BP is doing well, keep it up. We out of love get so involved and emotionally invested. I constantly remind myself and tell myself that his mind is bored so he will try and fill it and im here, but I can say no very well.

Peggy doesnt understand how so very blessed she is to have you. I dont know if people are placed where needed, dont know if thats God's doing or just luck. But if it is Gods plan then you are also blessed for doing it. I know its crazy and yes, it seems you have to do everything. I sometimes wish my brother would at least care one lil bit and be supportive. but then I kinda appreciate hes not trying to tell me what to do. 

Im going to get back to studying tomorrow, diving into a textbook I havent read yet. My best friend emailed me an article that there is a big shortage of IT workers. Hope that holds true when im ready to work. 

I wonder if perhaps you are Peggy's blessing and kodie is yours? And you are also his? Sometimes life isnt easy or fun, boy do I know that one. But we make it. The challenge is finding joy in these times. of ignoring the noise and relaxing and smiling. of releasing that tension and finding joy in the middle of chaos. 

Take good care

[kayc]

You are so right, on every count.  I doubt anyone would do any of this for me so I do my level best to stay healthy in mind and body.  Kodie is going to have a hard time in the next four months, Jazzy is pregnant and she has no energy, he may not be allowed around her when the pups come or when her time approaches.  He's going to be in major withdrawl as he truly loves her.  She also seems short tempered right now, poor dog, she doesn't have any idea why she feels like she does or what's happening, at least she's not an elephant, they take a couple of years!

BP 137/68 this morning, probably because I'm going to the doctor to get my stitches out today.

You're lucky you're smart enough to BE in IT!  Good field right now.  I'm wondering if you could get a job working from home part of the time...

[Tachi]

Poor Kodie. You're lucky theyre not elephants. Your home would be a wreck. I cant imagine a pooperscooper for elephants lol. I hope he doesnt get heartbroken, she'll be back one day. 

Yep, you have to watch your own wellbeing and life. I think if I allowed it i would spend all day every day doing things for dad and the house and yard. Dad has taken to napping a couple hours in afternoon. From waht he has said his back hurts sitting in a chair. he sits slouched in one corner because his body is bent and twisted. Tried the heating pad yesterday and he said it helped a bit. Thats one obstacle to him doing his hobby and building balsawood planes. he cant sit upright to work at his desk.

Going to be a crazy week. lots of things need doing. dad talking of me doing things in the yard but I just remarked I wont have time this week. My thought is I will only spend so much time each day on his business, home or yard...will spend a big chunk on study and then my personal time. some days I lose more time as needed. 

How did the stitches go? I know they dont give lollipops anymore, what a shame. 

take good care of yourself and kodie.

[kayc]

I took my own stitches out as they kept changing my appt and pushing me out further than I could let it go and all the red tape/hassle just wasn't worth it, the clincher was after I had filled out a redundant online form that took 1/2 hour that I've filled out MANY times with no changes, they sent me ANOTHER one to fill out just because THEY'D changed my appt.!  NO!  I drew the line.  I do need to get a referral to an allergy doctor for something mysterious that's been going on all year and has reached my pain threshold of discomfort.  A friend has had it for two years and been sent to specialists and gotten no ideas/help.  Another friend is now going through the same thing.  You'd think doctors would be on it more.  (Throat sores, lesions all along tongue, tip to down my throat, now involving lips and gums too!)

Tore a tendon in right foot, left foot still sore/healing, both hands hurt continually, got a headache last two days (I rarely get them), knees hurt from 2017 injuries, add it all together, I didn't sleep Sat. night so stayed home Sunday, only going out for Kodie's walks and playdate.  He won't see her much this next week as they'll be gone and then we will.

GOOD FOR YOU in setting time limits you can give to your dad.  If he needs more than that it's time to get outside help.  Your mental health requires it!  You do have to think of what your future holds when he's gone, esp. since you'll need an income and place to live.  Even if he left you his house (if you were the only son) there's still ins. elec. taxes, medical, food, etc.

My sister is now complaining about someone else being in the house.  I told her thank God for her, you'd be worse off if you did not have her.  All she thinks of is how much $ it's costing her, like her security is in her bank account.  I told her to expend the $ on her caregiver and home, as she can stay there the rest of her life with HELP and the gov't will step in and pay for the CAREGIVER once she exhausts all but $2,000.  She doesn't seem to get this.  I know she needs a POA but she's past the point of legally appointing one now as she's out of her mind half the time.  The time for that has come and gone, she will become a ward of the state if anything happens.  She needs her house shellacked but she won't do it, she could live another 15 years with our family history and the house might not make it that long if she doesn't, it's been overdue for years.

Discovered the several inches of rain we got this weekend did damage to my siding in front.  Turns out the contractor that added the downspout put a long screw through it which caught the needles and plugged it tight so all the water was going down the siding instead.  I got someone out to take it apart, unplug it, put it back w/o screwing all the way in so the water would flow but now need a siding patch to seal it and paint over it...just got it all painted!  Always something.

I think your plan going forward is good, keep up your studies AND your painting, I've let my creativity go since my hand injuries, I had to make a card for my BIL, it turned out really well even though I'm out of practice.  A dryer lint card!  I'd post a picture but already put it in the mailbox.  Here's one I did years ago for example...you blend dryer lint, potpourri whatever in the blender with some water, strain it, press into a mold, let dry on screen, then do your mounting, in this one I touched up with gold to bring out the image, but I do them all different.

[Tachi]

The art is cool, looks like a dragonfly.

Your sister should be happy theres someone there to help her. i know she doesnt see it that way tho.

Did your allergy start with the wildfires? maybe something is irritating you folks. maybe something being burned up, even a chemical...

Cant remember ever taking stitches out. I just usually use super glue. Ive been really careful since I have no insurance. Dont even know if anyone would see me. 

They took dad to the ER tonight. he is normally weak and tired. hes been napping a couple hours in the afternoon lately. But today he slept all day after lunch. He didnt want dinner, I woke him at 6ish for half a sadnwich but he was too weak to get up. Shoudl have called them then but sometimes he really is very tired, he said he didnt sleep last night so its hard to tell whats what. he started a temp and after 9 it was 99.8 so he went to the ER. he was really out of it. he tried to say something a couole times but either was confused or his throat gets caked with mucous. The tech working on him when I left thought he was aspiring food cause he wheezed when he breathed, so probably was getting pneumonia from food in the upper resp tract. My heart was breaking, I was trying to explain what was going on but he didnt understand. I dont know if because he was so out of it or he couldnt hear w/out his hearing aids. he probably has no idea where he is or why. Will have to call tomorrow and see where he is and if I can see him. When he was in april they kept visitors out 24 hours for covid screen.

We were supposed to get his state ID tomorrow so we could use the online notary for his dnr and trust. I guess thats not happening. I put it off and waited too late. I failed 

Why does it seem when people come fix things they cant do it right? had that with cable guys fixing things only halfway. I hope you get things fixed and have no problems for awhile.

Wish you could get some relief from the aches and pains. Where have all the good doctors gone? they need a dip for the bathtub, where a person can soak and it draws out the bad stuff and eases the pain. Youve had more than your fair share.

this evening im listening to a long rain video on Youtube, dont feel like doing anything. My anxiety is strummin along. I emailed my brother but he never reads them, he said he has it set up so they go straight to a folder, which apparently he never checks.

take good care of you and Kodie, feel better...

 

 

[kayc]

6 hours ago, Tachi said:

Did your allergy start with the wildfires?

I've had allergies all my life, but this new display started right after Christmas, so nine months of it.  The doctor thought a combination of inhaler (so he took me off of it) and allergies (I removed something from my diet) but it's continued to plague me.  It's hard to get in to see him and doctors never look down your throat well enough, but now it's clear to the tip of my tongue and much worse.  Can't get in to doctor, that's why I took my own stitches out.

 

6 hours ago, Tachi said:

Ive been really careful since I have no insurance. Dont even know if anyone would see me.

When enrollment starts up you should check into it, with taking care of your dad and no income you should get free coverage, I know in Oregon you'd be on the OR Health Plan, they cover everything unless elective.  My bill when I got my head split open was $2900..00!  No one wants that.

6 hours ago, Tachi said:

I put it off and waited too late. I failed 

Please don't think of it that way.  You are not a failure, you're the only reliable caring son he has.  You are the trusty one, the one he counts on.  Where is his other son when anything happens...or doesn't?

I'm adding your dad to my prayers. 

6 hours ago, Tachi said:

I emailed my brother but he never reads them

His problem, you tried.  I wouldn't worry about him then.

Peggy wants to go out to eat on Bert's anv of death, I told her I'll be there and if she doesn't feel up to it, I'll go get us something and bring it back.  She has to do eye treatments four times a day, 8, 12, 4, 8, each one about an hour, this for three months, ends just before Christmas.  she wants her caregiver there, we'll see how that goes.  I hope her caregiver has stamina.

 

I got bit by my neighbor's new dog yesterday, German Shepherd.  It was my fault, I'd just given him a treat and then reached up to pat him on the head.  I had heard not to do that but have never had a dog bite me for it.  Ken explained that although this dog is almost two, no one had ever worked with him, the dog doesn't know me, so he was protective of himself.  I'm okay, small punctures and bruised, but mostly it hurt me inside, I went home and bawled.  Ken followed me, I don't like people to see me cry and I couldn't stop myself, he gave me a bear hug, I felt embarrassed at my stupidity and am not used to people seeing me vulnerable, I've been alone so many years.  Kodie kissed me and was very attentive to me, very concerned as he knew I was upset.  A few hours later I tried again, they had him restrained and told me what to do, it went well, I felt I had to "get back on the horse" so to speak so I wouldn't be afraid of him.  I know they'll train him fine, like they have with their other dogs, but it'll take some time.  He's the prettiest German Shepherd I've ever seen. 

 

I love the sound of the rain, such a neat idea!  I should listen to one when I'm trying to get my BP down except it'd probably make me worry about the front of my house!

Please let me know any updates about your dad when you get a chance!

  

[Tachi]

Thx for the tip on free coverage, didnt know but will look. esp with the prospect of finding my own place adn spending my savings I dont need tht expense. 

Went to see dad after dinner. Seemed a bit stronger physically but gone mnetally. Didnt talk, hardly looked at me. kept looking across the room at things. I kept explaining he was in hospital for pneumonia and will be there a few days to get well. Im wondering if his memory is just gone. he did pass his swallow test, so he has been given meds and food, but hardly ate a thing. I dont know why he is so gone cognitively. nurse says could just be no meds for two days, no food, a new environment. Im sure hes scared. I honestly dont know if he remembers me. 

They had given him the regular version of his neuro med and he takes the ER or extended release and it does tons better so running that out tomorrow, his brithday. At this point very concerned. His social worker called this morning to discuss hospice and palliative care and care homes and home care. that makes me hate her with a passion. makes me think shes selling services and dad is being set up somehow.

here's my rain 

sorry about the dog bite. I just avoid animals these days. Sounds like he didnt meany anything, just being a dog. he'll be good once he's trained. but you really need to stop getting hurt. Going to have to get you wrapped head to toe in Charmin tissue.

Kodie is such a good kid, hes helping you when you feel bad. You really got lucky when you got him. yes living on ones own for years teaches you to be strong and defensive. I because of being raised by a narcissist am always happy to tell people things that make me vulnerable, because heres someone who seems nice I open up, later I hate myself, have to stop. I think if dad doesnt come back home my heart will just be jaded as can be.

Poor Peggy, treatments sound like a pain, at least she wants the caregiver. theyre going to earn their pay . 

Called my brother and he hadnt read his emails, he was supportive.

Thinking about your allergy. Ive never had the sores. Did your drinking water change? im just wondering if something changed thats not obvious...

Going to try and get some artwork done. Take good care of yourself, I hope the pain gets better. rub Kodie's belly for me.

 

[kayc]

10 hours ago, Tachi said:

nurse says could just be no meds for two days, no food, a new environment.

Peggy was a goner in the hospital & somewhat in rehab off/on.  That's why I fought so hard to bring her home!  But I won't do it again, she needs care 24/7 so next time they're keeping or placing her.  It's hard watching them like that.  My mom was pretty gone in the dementia care place. 

 

10 hours ago, Tachi said:

I think if dad doesnt come back home my heart will just be jaded as can be.

  I hope not.  You're a good person, you deserve more.  My mom was a Narcissist too, everything about her, she couldn't see anything from a different POV.  At least she had feelings on occasion, but not much, mostly contempt/judgment.

10 hours ago, Tachi said:

Did your drinking water change?

No, I'm on a well and the water is perfect, doesn't even need additives.

Kodie got lots of attention and belly rubs yesterday, I'd been so scared I could lose him.  He'd eaten part of a cardboard takeout container and I was worried about obstruction but it showed up in his poop, just hoping some isn't lodged somewhere...he was listless and whimpering yesterday but better later in the day and he ate all his food, pooped, peed so I was relieved!

Discovered my lid missing on my engine cap where you fill the oil, oil had sprayed all over!!!  Also wiper/washer not working on driver's side, my son took one look at the picture I sent him and spotted the cap and the tube that had come apart.  Will finish taking care of it today when it's light out.  I'm sure he got a good laugh at his mom freaking out over nothing.

I'm amazed at how fast I'm healing from the dog bite!  Must be the way I'm eating now.  One of the punctures still stings.  Like my son said, he's never had or been around a dog you couldn't pat on the head, maybe a German Shepherd thing?  Like Chows are known for biting?  I love Joe to pieces but won't ever own a chow, can't have a dog I can't trust and take care of.

Taking care of a dementia person is the hardest thing in the world.  I know you love your dad, just like I love my sister, we don't want them to suffer.  I'm glad to hear you're painting...take advantage of the chance to do so.

You should be getting paid to take care of your dad, I know others who have, not sure where you sign up but I'd call Senior & Disabled and they should put you in touch with someone.

 

[Tachi]

After lunch dad was much better mentally. Not all the way back but he looked at me, knew who I was, held an ongoing conversation, knew who my brotehr was and his best friend. But he did misremember one thing. he thought we were supposed to go on a long drive up north. But it was a big improvement. he said he ate but I dont think its much. they put it on his tray table and its up to him. thats one reason i want him home where I can be sure he eats and drinks for a couple weeks. 

his social worker keeps talking hospice then palliative care and talking fast about lots of otehr things like nurses etc. i keep telling her I need to see how he progresses because hes two days removed from the ER and is recovering from pneumonia and didnt eat or drink for two days. This lady made me very angry, shes gaslighting me trying to push my dad into their system. Telling me two days without food is nothing. two days without food for him really hurts and no water hurts as well. im not willing to write him off and just shuffle him into a home or expensive nursing coming in. 

I had to look up what palliative care does and he doesnt need it, he certainly doesnt need hospice, hes not dieing. he isnt in alot of pain, doesnt have a serious illness like cancer. I dont know what the palliative would even do for him. I feel strongly she is selling me services and not concerned with my dads health. She was telling me elderly are never the same after coming home. Im not going to assume that at all. I will give him every chance to get back to where he was before the ER. 

The people in the hospital dont know where he was before he came in, they think he was like he is now. And theyre not trying to help him. Anyway, they really ticked me off. 

I want him in rehab hospital for a couple weeks so they can work on his strength and legs and get him trying to walk again. His insurance will cover and the rehab place he was in for his stroke will take care of it, theyve started the paperwork. 

Sorry, but they really upset me. the hospital has changed, theyre not trying to understand or do anything. they havent even tried PT yet. crazy.

If dad can go to rehab will see then if he can stand. If he can stand with my help then hes ol at home. If he cant then we can try a lift. last resort is a facility. Im not sure of the rules but they wont take his home. However I cant afford to stay here by myself. So it would be me trying to sell the home, possessions, find a apt and a job. 

maybe kodie was just feeling that junk go thru his system. Hopefully hes fine now. Did you explain he cant be eating those?

Your son has a keen eye. Eh it happens. Everyone likes to pretend they havent done the same. Ive certainly done my share.

Its funny that we've had so many dogs over the years and only the schnauzers ever bit someone. ive had plenty of neighbors tho with aggressive or mean dogs. Thats what I like about this place, no dogs next door or even close.

Ive looked up getting paid before but cant remember what I found. You'd think that it would be ok since if I dont do it theyre paying a service.

I think the worst part for me now is having no idea whats going to happen. I dont really feel quaified except I know dad and how hes been so i can judge if hes lost ground or getting better. I honestly think mentally he could come back fine. But dead legs need work. Something about having pneumonia, not eating or dinking for a couple days made him very very weak and he doesnt have strength back in his legs yet. My assumption is that its going to take him several weeks to get his strength back. So no need to write him off and assume he wont walk again. One nurse was saying he has to add muscle and I dont get it. before the ER he could stand. He lost all his strength, so you would think it reasonable that when he was well and got his strength back he could stand again. but hopefully the pneumonia didnt mess him up.

Anyway, we shall see what tomorrow brings. Id be happier if his social worker was working with us and not against.

please take good care and give kodie some more bellyrubs.

Some people are good healers, esp if you eat lots of fish. Ive always heard to run vitamin e on it to help prevent scarring.

Tonight is a good Fall night. clear and mid 50s. i took the trash out and wanted to sit outside but im starting to pack in case I have to leave. 

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Tachi said:

She was telling me elderly are never the same after coming home.

WHAT??!!!  When my sister was in the hospital the doctors/nurses told me they usually do BETTER mentally in their own surroundings!  Hospitals should be temporary and with the goal of getting them stable so they can be managed at home!   This is why I FOUGHT to get my sister at home!  But she's quickly approaching where she should have 24/7 care, she falls easily and uses no common sense in decision making or self care.  I don't see her lasting on her own much longer and she only has part time care.  Learn whatever you can and don't let them bulldoze you!   Home Health can help your dad with exercising/strengthening his legs, so long as his breathing is okay, how is he doing with that?  My other sister, Donna, used to get pneumonia a lot.  She was quadriplegic and they damaged her vocal chords doing the emergency trach when they saved her life, that was even more debilitating than her quadriplegia was, she choked easy, got things in her lungs, she died of pneumonia because they wouldn't treat it, I know they considered her a leech on the system so refused her the care that say the Kennedys would have been afforded.  I fought for her too but they wouldn't budge and she died.  Unreal!  They'd better hope karma doesn't exist...

5 hours ago, Tachi said:

Ive looked up getting paid before but cant remember what I found. You'd think that it would be ok since if I dont do it theyre paying a service.

I hope you look into it again and get someone helpful that knows where to send you.  I knew someone who took care of his XW when she had cancer the last couple of years of her life, he got paid from the state or somewhere.  You should have gotten paid all this time.  If he goes into a care center they will take his home if he can't pay and it's expensive.  Rehab is usually covered by insurance for three weeks but can be long enough to strengthen his legs, hopefully they'll cover longer if needed.  They CAN do it at home, we had it for Donna when she became quad.

5 hours ago, Tachi said:

She was telling me elderly are never the same after coming home.

Not true.

5 hours ago, Tachi said:

Id be happier if his social worker was working with us and not against.

Exactly!  This is too often the case.   Be formidable, I was.  Hold your own.

Don't pack just yet, nothing is set in stone.  Wouldn't he want you to keep his home/bills paid to have a place for him to come back to?  I hope you're on his account, I'm not on my sister's and she darn near got her elec. turned off and mastercard canceled for non payment because she didn't attend to it before she went to the hospital.  Sigh...we can only do so much, what they let us.

I know Kodie isn't out of the woods yet, obstructions can present up to a year afterwards...it terrifies me, I love this little guy so much!

I love Fall, not looking forward o winter, never do with all the snow but hopefully it won't be as bad as summer was this year!
Try to enjoy the beauty...

Praying for your dad...and you too.
Today is one year since Bert died, going to take Peggy out to lunch, it'll be hard waiting until 1:30 to eat but she starts her eye treatments today and has one at 12-1.

[Tachi]

I started a big long response, left to go see dad so will shorten this. he is better. he still cant stand. his legs work just fine he just cant hold himself up yet. His eyes are clear, he is present, hold normal conversation, he is normal except his slight speech impediment from parkinsons is more pronoubced and he stutters at times. he is still not sure of a few things like where the hospital is. He doesnt seem to remember in relation to his home. But if his legs worked I would feel safe taking him home.

No word from the rehab hospital yet. I dont trust the case worker and wouldnt surprise me if she was sabotaging him getting in. The next option she gave was a skilled nursing facility, which I assume will do rehab but at a slower pace. What I wont agree to and have to be careful we dont get tricked into is he gets slipped into a nursing home, they say hes not safe coming home and they keep him. IF rehab doesnt work I will bring him home, have a hospital bed, a lift and a porta-potty. 

The healthcare system is so broken. I pray that I never end up in the hospital then shunned into an old home. Thats not living.

I talked to dad and he understands he needs to go get his legs worked on. Doesnt like it but he understands. I'll go visit every day. Not sure what the covid protocols are for them, I wont get the vaxx so they wont like me im sure. But there are some close that im looking up online and look good. I just really really hope the place we want will take him. I talked to a lady there this morning and made my case so hopefully it helps. theres eager to get dad out of his room but I dont think they can when hes waiting on pending insurance to get into rehab, they have to keep him til he finds out.

I guess one advantage of being raised by a narcissist and having worked for several is that you can just smell the gaslighting. Ive always felt that one needs to understand and make a good decision and not just get shuffled along. 

As long as he isnt sent permanently to a nursing home im here and will keep his affairs. My name is on most things and I set it up to access bills online and everything is on auto deposit and autopay. The only worry I have here is if he has to go permanently to a facility it gets messy. In that case id need an elder care atty I think.

Hang in there with Kodie, he'll be fine. Theres something special there.

Ive always been different about loss I guess. yes it rips me in two. But that pain is for us. When we get all upset thats for us. I'd rather instead of going into depression celebrate that person. Celebrate their life, what they accomplished and what they mean to me. I still cut the head off a bell pepper and leave it on top the sink for my Mom, always will.

The big suspense now is where dad ends up for rehab, what we want I feel is safe and very productive. Otehr places not so much. No one has told me theyre kicking him out tomorrow. I will research their list of skilled nursing facilities tonight. i just hope they will do a good job rehabbing his legs. Problem is you really have no idea if theyre good or abusive.

Yes, love Fall. We were 50s last night. I like opening the window its so nice. Hope all your aches and pains are mending.

Going to go look and see whats for dinner. I think will make a burger. Im guessing dad will be gone for 3 more weeks. He gets 20 days paid then has a co-pay. He has been getting short of breath when he exerts so im sure he will have to be very careful. I do understand that he may not make it to Christmas nor much beyond. We never could get the Will or the DNR, the hospital doesnt have a notary so maybe can do the dnr somehow . could have done it thru the online notary but he doesnt have an ID or DL. I think Im just out of luck there. Well, first things first and im rambling. 

You two take good care and enjoy the weather. Hopefully youve got some pretty trees turning the leaves.

[kayc]

My BIL looked into assisted living places for Peggy, $6000-8000/month!  I could have saved him the trouble, they don't usually take someone with dementia as it progresses it's not sufficient for their needs.  We'd checked into that with my mom, she needed a dementia care facility, they don't work on them getting "better" as dementia doesn't GET better!  Rehab is where they normally go temporarily if they feel they can help a physical infirmity improve.  Yes there is always the worry that once they get them they won't let them out of their clutches, I had to have meetings with caseworkers, PTs and OTs, talked to many doctors & nurses also.  Each one told me different things that were often conflicting with each other.  I wish they'd meet collectively and get their heads together in agreement before presenting to ME!

Peggy doesn't have current ID or DL either, I tried to talk her into it but as usual, she wouldn't cooperate.  Now she thinks she won't need her caregiver once she gets through the doctor's appts.  (Beat head on wall.)

I was never told you could stay longer if paying, funny, they tell THEM these things but not us and we're the ones trying to deal with it all!  Sometimes I wonder if the professionals understand DEMENTIA!  I was only told they'd cover three weeks.  Of course if they told her she's not going to relay that because she doesn't want to pay any $ out!

My mom had Parkinson's too but didn't stutter, maybe hers hadn't progressed as much?

Haven't seen a lot of color here yet, just starting, my little sister is going to Vermont next week, someplace I always wanted to visit in the Fall!  I always wanted to with my husband.  Sigh...I don't go anywhere.

I hope you can bring him home in three weeks, people should be able to go the way they want to.  I trust my kids to make right decisions for me.  Of course, first you have to REACH them! 

Hope you enjoyed your dinner, I had a Bratwurst and cauliflower rice, and Keto Chocolate Mug Cake for dessert, as it's filling/healthy.  A burger sounds good!

[Tachi]

Bratwurst is food for the soul, bet it was heaven.

SOOO much going on. will try and shorten. The rehab hosp we wanted him in (3hrs a day rehab) was denied by his ins because his problems werent complex enough. lady at the rehab said they were so call and try fast track appeal. I did and they needed dads ok. i drivr to hospital and call back and lady tells me the rehab place is out of network, even tho rehab told me they were covered and first guy i talked to said they covered it.

Went with backup plan, skilled nursing facility (30min a day rehab) but at least he would be out of the hospital. yesterday we thought it was all go and trabsfer today. Nod eal. Ins didnt process yet and theyre closed for the weekend. So he is stuck in hospital til Monday or Tuesday. never ever seen it take this long. ASfter his stroke it was fast. I suspect his caseworker is sabotaging him.

Some of his nurses take care of him and some ignore him. they wont let him wear his depends. Rehab will. No one has asked me about him, what he can do etc. PT was getting him standing and a few steps when he only walks with a walker and they dont know that. His neuro doubled his parkinsons med which isnt cool and I called his Neuro office and they wont intrude. No one will tell me anything. I ask to talk to his doctors and nurses say they'll send a msg but I know they dont. Im getting him out and then filing complaints. 

Will keep well informed of rehab and make sure they know that when he can stand and get up and down off toilet hes coming home and if they dont like it they can go to hell. Everyone is doing what they want to do instead of what he needs and im about at the point of talking to an eldercare atty. 

ok, cooling down. I just think I should be in the loop. I am responsible for him.

dads stutter used to be almost unnoticeable. he is sundowning and he remembers things that never happened. I need to get him back to his surroundings again.

I figured assisted living was high, and even a nursing home is high. dad would have to go down to the cap then use medicaid. Tbh he wouldnt last long in a home, Seeing how he's deteriorating mentally a home would just be the end. 

Sounds like Peggy thinks she understands things and doesnt or maybe just wants to do the opposite. Thats the sad thing, they dont understand theyre making poor decisions. Why do they always think tehyre fine and they know what theyre doing? 

My dad today: thought the guy whose room he was in wants it back

was going to walk home,

His buddy Boo took him over to show dad his shop and promised to drive him back. But Boo had his band there and they were all drunk. So dad had to wait for Boo to sober up for a ride home. He's been doing this, talking about things that never happened. I just agree. I never thought id have to consider how to get him declared incompetent, but he needs to snap out of this. 

Need to order firewood.

yep, dad tells me he sees a neurologist and what the guy tells him, no idea if true. And why i want to talk to his doctors cause cant trust what dad says. And what kind of stupid doctor tells dad like Dad is in his right mind rt now.

I would love vermont in fall. I remember Ohio long ago and it was beautiful. But all I can do is travel via the internet.

What gets me is dad doesnt understand and cant make decisions, another reason they need to tell me. I described the rehab home and asked if it sounded good, he just looked at me and asked if i thought it was good. It hit me like a tidal wave that he relies on me completely. God forgive me I cant take care of him. Its like theyre all just following a s cript and not trying to help him.

My most recent relaxation. Ive always wanted to find a nice old coffeeshop/bookstore to go drink, hang out and chat. guess thats gone but this is cool.

Going to go set up a food delivery. this one is to fill the pantry more. 

How are you feeling? You've had alot of aches and pains lately. How's Kodie doing? You dont need to travel, you'd miss Kodie.

Well you two take good care, scratch his ears for me.

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Tachi said:

Went with backup plan, skilled nursing facility (30min a day rehab) but at least he would be out of the hospital

Maybe a blessing in disguise but danged if I wish red tape didn't always get us!  I hope this gets worked out SOON!  Meanwhile it's the patient that is suffering. 

13 hours ago, Tachi said:

I need to get him back to his surroundings again.

This was my foremost thought when Peggy was there...

13 hours ago, Tachi said:

they wont let him wear his depends.

What?!!  Hospitals here FURNISH Depends!  Beats going through changing the sheets, etc. and easier on patient.

 I went to take care of my grandkids (3 hours away)  yesterday, got surprised by a new dog who is VICIOUS and went through hell, Kodie could have been killed, I was terrified for him, but fortunately it was ME that got attacked instead.  I ended up driving myself to the hospital hours away and spent the night in there, getting home at 1:30 am, Kodie stuck in the car alone.  I have seven punctures and a lot of bruising, lacerations up to an inch, all on my left thumb and below it, my hand is 1 1/2 times it's normal size.  They're going to get rid of the dog, apparently he nipped Bethany too but he has aggression issues.  Kodie tried to stand up for me when he saw what the dog's intent was, I threw him back up onto the washer and commanded him to STAY, then the dog struck, so glad it wasn't Kodie, it would have been fatal for him.  And glad my grandkids are okay, although normally dogs know their pecking order in a family and know it'd not go well for them if they hurt the kids...evidently he didn't apply that to me, he doesn't know me.  He is one of the most beautiful dogs I've seen, Husky, usually they're not aggressive, don't know what's been in his background, he's ten months old, looks about 70 lbs.  It left me having to drive in the dark, which I haven't done in 8 1/2 years!  Can't get my hand wet and it hurts like hades.  8th dog bite inside two years!  

Thank you for sharing the video, I will watch/listen later today, looks like one I could use today!

Hang in there, I do know what you're going through, I feel for you, you have the added stress of being dependent on him financially AND trying to study, etc.  As dark as today seems right now, and I know that it does, you will get through this intact, I've learned this by nearly 69 years of going through stuff, sometimes it's a struggle to just get through today, breathe, take one minute a time.  I'm here, I'm listening and I care, for what it's worth.  Keeping your dad AND you in prayer.

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Tachi said:

no idea if true.

OMG I know, go through this with everything with Peggy.

[MartyT]

Oh my, dear Kay! It's amazing to me that you've been bitten so many times by other people's dogs! I assume at some point you've been given a tetanus shot ~ and I hope you know whether all these dogs have been vaccinated against rabies. I know you're a dog lover of the first order, and I'm so sorry you continue to be harmed by so many of them . . .

[kayc]

Yes he has his rabies vaccine, Joe had not (his owner lied to me about it) but enough time has passed I'm out of the woods on that one.  And yes I'm up on my tetanus shot.  I continue to love dogs and care about them, even this one, but one can't let that cloud their thinking, as my son said, the dog is going somewhere, he chooses to have a dog that is friendly and not a threat.  Personally I think they need in a home where someone has training in helping a dog with these issues, in Portland they have dog psychologists, but not in these small town/country settings, and IMO they don't belong around kids or other dogs!