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It might help to have a note from your doctor.  Hopefully your doctor understands about grief and it's effects? 

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Thanks Kay....thank God for kindnesses....I emailed the jury again last night and this morning a nice lady answered suggesting I claim the 'care' exemption and I was truthfull. I claimed that explaining i'm watching over my dad and I claimed sound mind for me and just put that Mom had passed and im grieving. They answered not even five minutes later excusing me. Very thankfull.  Dad is holding up but at times he gets an idea in his head that just isnt true yet he will argue it like his life depends upon it. He had thought we would be selling the house because he couldnt afford it. So I ran him his budget and hes fine. He had thought he was broke and couldnt spend money, hes not. Going to keep an eye on him. He thinks im disrespectful if I disagree with him. I love my dad. I promised Mom I would always take care of him and that is my duty. But I have always refused to let him do something harmfull, I will always tell him the truth no matter what he thinks. Lol, I can picture a sinking ship and the captain thinks its smooth sailing, all the ships officers dont want to be disrespectfull so they dont try to convince the captain whats really going on. 

 Again, thank you for the kind thoughts. Looking forward to you creating some artwork again :)

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I'm so glad to hear you've been excused from jury duty...that just isn't something you need on your plate right now!  You are doing right by your dad and can take comfort in knowing that.  He's lucky to have you.

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Thank you, yes I can see that. If I wasnt already here I would have moved home. He would be wasting away here. Its a challenge for me keeping his meds and all straight, I cant imagine him doing it alone. Like I have told him a couple times, he is my dad and I will help him. For years he wiped my behind so least I can do is cook and clean etc.  I appreciate you very much. I am going to be ok and will have to face the challenges ahead. This wont be an easy road but there's no choice. Thank you from me and for all you do here.

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I wanted to ask a question, in relation to a discussion i had with my Dad. My brother had sent us a book on grieving that he had been reading and said it helped him. So dad has been reading it. the subject was shrines. he had read that they say shrines are bad and shoudnt be made. What I explained in my opinion was that I don't personally make shrines. If it is done in a healthy way for that person and help them to honor and stay connected to the person they lost i think theyre fine.  If it's something that becomes obsessive and unhealthy and prevents you from coping and healing then no. I think all I have of my Mom's is a piece of paper with her writing on it. Her laptop was being updated one evening and she thought it was broken. I explained it to her and that she shouldnt use it until it was done. So she wrote herself a note that just said, dont turn off please. Silly I guess but seeing her handwriting and that note reminds me of helping her. 

 Anyway, anyone's thoughts on shrines?

Thanks

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7 hours ago, Tachi said:

If it is done in a healthy way for that person and help them to honor and stay connected to the person they lost i think theyre fine.  If it's something that becomes obsessive and unhealthy and prevents you from coping and healing then no.

Exactly. 

"Shrines and altars are ways of showing in tangible form what might be happening in our hearts and spirits. Creating shrines and altars gives us opportunities to remember, to reflect and to honor, as well as to help heal the pain of loss through the act of creating. The creation of a personal shrine can establish a private place to which you can return to reflect, meditate, grieve, engage in a personal ritual, remember, and honor the one who has died."  Read on here >>> Creating Shrines and Altars for Healing from Grief

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I literally had a shrine for my husband after he died.  I don't have it there anymore, but it was there a long time.  A huge standup of pictures I'd spent 17 hours making for his funeral.  Some things of his, his ashes, I can't even remember what all it was comprised of.  I don't think it was detrimental at all, it was an acknowledgement of his existence in my heart and in now way did it prevent me from continuing but rather the opposite.  I found comfort in it being there, it was in our bedroom.  Sometimes you have to be careful of books...anyone can write them whether they know what they're talking about or not.  And we all have different takes on grief.  If it brings you comfort, how can someone else criticize you for it!

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2 hours ago, MartyT said:

Exactly. 

"Shrines and altars are ways of showing in tangible form what might be happening in our hearts and spirits. Creating shrines and altars gives us opportunities to remember, to reflect and to honor, as well as to help heal the pain of loss through the act of creating. The creation of a personal shrine can establish a private place to which you can return to reflect, meditate, grieve, engage in a personal ritual, remember, and honor the one who has died."  Read on here >>> Creating Shrines and Altars for Healing from Grief

Thanks Marty...That is my understanding also. I have started to be aware that at 91 Dad sometimes has trouble understanding things correctly. Yet he will defend to the death what he says. I want to watch over him and just be a sane voice when he gets confused but he refuses to listen. Will keep trying but will be more carefull. I think that should he start believing he's losing his grip it would really hurt him. I want him to be happy.

I appreciate you folks and this website, I honestly dont know what i'd have done without my little brother and this site and its wonderfull people. 

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2 hours ago, kayc said:

I literally had a shrine for my husband after he died.  I don't have it there anymore, but it was there a long time.  A huge standup of pictures I'd spent 17 hours making for his funeral.  Some things of his, his ashes, I can't even remember what all it was comprised of.  I don't think it was detrimental at all, it was an acknowledgement of his existence in my heart and in now way did it prevent me from continuing but rather the opposite.  I found comfort in it being there, it was in our bedroom.  Sometimes you have to be careful of books...anyone can write them whether they know what they're talking about or not.  And we all have different takes on grief.  If it brings you comfort, how can someone else criticize you for it!

Thanks Kay, yes ma am I agree. after dad told me that i lost interest in reading that book. For me the first few days were critical. I was blessed to find this website. between You and the posts here and the constant talking with my little brother I regained the site of my heart and got thru the first part. Now, you and marty should write a book. It would help so many people. Thank you again, 

Scott

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1 hour ago, Tachi said:

you and marty should write a book. It would help so many people.

Thank you for saying that, dear Scott. As it happens, I have written a book that shares some I've what I've learned about grief, here: Finding Your Way Through Grief: A Guide for The First Year.

You'll also find listings of all my writings if you click on one or more of the tabs (links) that appear at the top of my blog, here: Grief Healing Blog.

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Ah, I should have known. Yes I have been doing lots of reading. One of the big realisations was that everyone grieves and differently. I knew that but it struck home and became real for me and that greatly helped me. Will look for your book on amazon. My best friend who has been an invaluable help is learning also. His Mom is 80ish and he dreads what he knows will come. He says that by talking to me and seeing me cope he thinks he will be able to deal with it when the time comes. Of course I will be there for him as well. I suppose there is a ripple effect to everyone you help. Whenever it's needed I will be referring people over.

Thanks again

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Marty has been an invaluable help to me in the nearly 13 years I've been here since the death of my husband.  I've suffered many losses over the years and they continue, but that one was the hardest.  I've learned so much through this journey...I've found grief doesn't leave you as you were before.

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1 hour ago, kayc said:

Marty has been an invaluable help to me in the nearly 13 years I've been here since the death of my husband.  I've suffered many losses over the years and they continue, but that one was the hardest.  I've learned so much through this journey...I've found grief doesn't leave you as you were before.

I agree, it changes you. To a degree at least for me it shattered me and left a chasm that needs to be healed. I suppose the challenge in our lives is do we and how we heal. So strange to me that our society seems so focused on kids and the early part of life. I had thought my last years would be if not easy at least on an even keel. far from it.  I think at least for me I feel far less drive to make friends. Partly because ive learned to differentiate between real friends and those I just know.  And the people drift away or pass away and we have a much smaller group around us. So it can be much less support when we need it. I suppose this is where the tribal structure has an advantage, appreciating the older wise ones and coming together when a member is in need. Perhaps we as a society has advanced in many ways but stepped backwards in some ways that really matter. Sorry, thinking out loud. This is the part of the path that is shrouded in shadow. No one wants to think about it tho everyone will go through it. We arent trained or prepared. The real heroes are the ones who deal and survive. Theres no spotlight and no applause. Just doing what is right in compassion. We are faced with things we knew all along but pushed back. 

Getting too thoughtfull, 

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18 hours ago, Tachi said:

Partly because ive learned to differentiate between real friends and those I just know.

There's different kinds of friendships...some to have lighthearted friendship with and enjoy their company.  Others you can pour your heart out to and know you're understood.  Some who are close enough to tell you hard truths.  And then there's the rare ones that actually show up on moving day or help you out after surgery.  All of these friends are valuable in their own way.  The ones we don't need are the pretenders that aren't real friends.

You are so right...getting older is vastly different from when we were young.  It's interesting that society places more emphasis on the young.

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     Indeed, many kinds of friends. I guess i've never been one to need to be around people just because. It's worse now i suppose. Most people to me, and it's not because I felt I was or am anything special...most people are just trying to find something or someone to waste their time. There's just a handful anymore I care to be around. I never could understand why kids would always need to go to the club and get messed up and have so much drama and have 'friends' that couldnt care less about them. Then I clued in that it makes them feel real and alive.

     Having a hard time with Dad. Ive been trying to help him manage going to less income and things he needs to take care of. But he just doesnt listen. If it's not his idea he just stares blankly.  he will tell me something for example about banking or investments and I know hes confused and I point out to him carefully how it works and its like you're trying to kill his dog or something.  Then he will decide that something needs to change that works perfectly well. But he just gets something in his head and its the best idea since PB and J.  I try discussing it with him and his logic makes no sense whatsoever. Then we argue and I give up. It's just getting extremely frustrating. I've told him and i've run his bills and he's fine, the way we do things works and is fine but he thinks he has to come up with these convoluted ideas. i wouldn't mind if didn't make life harder for me. I find it increasingly more difficult to study. And I will need to start working again after I pass my certifications.  I figured maybe he just feels he has to do 'something' so he feels like head of household. 

     There was a video on youtube and if i can find it will post. It was made by an American professor in the 60's, talking about the changes in our society and how  and why and who. It's chilling because he lays out the entire plan in the 60's and it's all either come true or is coming true. If you look at our society today we value youth, Youth is alienated from the older folks, heavily disrespects them and doesnt trust them.  Marketing is heavily targeted to youth. partly understandable since tech is changing so fast. But society is more than ever driven by large corporations and marketers. When the focus of society and the values are flipped upside down then the value is on young people, who by and large have little experience or values. They've destroyed values as a whole. theyve been replaced by political correctness. Which keeps people in line with the new flipped values and punishes anyone who voices or acts in opposition. The things that this country was founded on are values less and less. The values we hold dear as people, our very beliefs are being denied. At this rate in several generations our ideas may be gone.  The entire gist is that these youth are easily manipulated and used. Their passion for change and to right wrongs has been hijacked and perverted. 

ok, sorry, really frustrated with life today. 

Do me a favor tho, if you love doing artwork, take just a little time and create something. :)

     

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It's hard to do something when your heart isn't in it anymore.  It's been harder to have interest since my husband died.  I used to belong to a stamping group and that was fun but they're held at night and I no longer drive at night.  I just need to find someone to do it with, my best friend moved away and I miss doing it with her.

You're right about society.  It's only getting worse.

You may have to get a guardianship of your dad.  Have you talked with his doctor about his mind issues?  It would help so much if you could handle his finances but I know how stubborn they can be.  My mom had dementia and it took us a year to take her to court to get a court ordered medical evaluation.  They said she was Stage 4 and needed 24/7 lockdown but there were no openings for several more months.  Meanwhile she was so stubborn, wouldn't take her medicine, horribly confused, wouldn't let us handle her finances, often putting her life at risk.  Very scary!

 

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I understand how you feel. I hope that one day you'll get the urge to create again and feel good about it. Maybe you could do a crafts class at church. You probably don't have the time for it tho. Im sorry to hear that about your Mom, you're much stronger than I even hope to be. Dad isn't there yet. I pray he never gets there. He's been spoiled and hes so used to Mom always agreeing with everything he'd say. Decades of that and he thinks he's never wrong. When I disagree with him he gets upset and thinks i'm being disrespectful. I don't mean to be but i'm not just going to agree on everything. I guess it confuses him. he thinks he's fine and dandy. I don't know how he reconciles it all. Very hard to keep study focus and personal focus.  Guess that is my challenge in life.

Thank you my friend,

Take good care

 

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I understand, the same joy just isnt there because part of it is missing. I do hope you find joy in creativity again tho. I'm sorry to hear that about your Mom, you're much stronger than I can ever hope to be. Getting guardianship over dad would be extremely difficult. I live with him in his house so he would probably kick me out. Mom always spoiled him rotten and he thinks im being disrespectfull for disagreeing with him. he just has to come up with plans for things. Even when its working fine he has to make a plan, and it just makes life harder for me.  he has good days and bad days, I clued in that he doesnt write anything because of his parkinsons  but I dont know if he forgets or just doesnt care. I dont care for his doctor much, the guy doesnt seem to care. dad is ok enough for almost all things. But he doesnt explain well, mixes up words and seems to forget (or doesnt care). I'm trying to let him alone except when its important. I hate seeing him worried about money when as long as hes carefull he will be fine. 

may I ask you one question tho? dad has been going thru Mom's things like her clothes. I suggested he take anything not expensive to a resale shop..or rather ask them to come get it. he refuses to have a garage sale which i agree with. The more expensive things will need to be handled in otherways but simpler things like clothing do you have any ideas?

I think honestly at this point my biggest challenge is to relax and be more understandin. dad is stressing me out and that doesnt do anyone any good. I have to learn to focus, maybe just detach myself but is very difficult.

sigh, is insane here. dad freaked out telling me to go look at the kitchen sink , is filthy. It wasnt filthy, just the same stains its always had and never comes out but I scrubbed it anyway, he tells me I cleaned it already then told him it was clean, so he called me a liar. Keeps going on about me rethinking being here. Man I cook, shop, laundry clean, run him when he asks and watch over him. And hes freaking out over a sink that wasnt dirty. I dont understand, its like a mini episode and then hes fine. But when he does this he says things I know arent true. I guess i should just say ok but I dont want to become the houseboy, he acts very disrexpectfull. Im out of work and studyng to get into IT so will be msot of the year, he complained about me studying and after I explain again he says he understands, Is my Dad losing his mind?

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There are dozens of resources and community services available to assist you in caring for your father, my friend, if you know what they are and where to find them. You'll find many of them listed and described in detail here (and note that although the article's title refers to caring for someone after a stroke, much of its content is relevant to your situation as well): 

Caregiving After a Stroke: Suggested Resources

In addition, these articles may give you and your dad some ideas about what to do with your mother's things:

In Grief: Sifting and Sorting A Loved One's Personal Belongings

Tips on Sorting a Loved One’s Personal Belongings

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7 minutes ago, MartyT said:

There are dozens of resources and community services available to assist you in caring for your father, my friend, if you know what they are and where to find them. You'll find many of them listed and described in detail here (and note that although the article's title refers to caring for someone after a stroke, much of its content is relevant to your situation as well): 

Caregiving After a Stroke: Suggested Resources

In addition, these articles may give you and your dad some ideas about what to do with your mother's things:

In Grief: Sifting and Sorting A Loved One's Personal Belongings

Tips on Sorting a Loved One’s Personal Belongings

Thanks Marty, will have a look after the news. Id get my dad some help for his episodes but he would never ever understand there is something wrong.

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I dont know whats going on really. If I was working i would have left tonight. I dont want to go into detail but my dad has some mental issues based on what ive seen a few times, making things up and blaming me and being very disrespectfull.  maybe hes trying to get me to leave. I know hes my dad but he should behave this way, almost like a split personality. In case i dont get back on I wanted to say a heartfelt i cant thank you both enough. I havent been able to come to grips with the constant roll of tragedy the past 7 months and it just keeps on coming. I'll do my best but I think i'm just out of luck.Take good care of yourselves. *hugs*

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I think your idea of a consignment shop is a good one.  I donated my husband's clothes to a cause I knew would be dear to his heart.  Marty has given you an abundance of information to waft through, don't think I can add to that! ;)

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Thx, I am not going to be helping with these things any longer. he has pretty much told me that I am an employee. What he doesnt realise is that I never saw it that way. I thought we were a family and a team. I was wrong. He appreciates nothing, least of all that if he had someone live in and do what I do they would get room and board and salary. I've tried til i'm blue in the face and my health is beginning to suffer, no more. Honestly I dont think this arrangement will last much longer so I will be starting to pack and abandoning studies and redo my resume. I deeply appreciate everything you folks have done for me. If this is how he treated Mom then I feel so sorry for her and I understand why she told me one time that he wasnt the same and she didnt know how to treat him. he has made it abundantly clear that he doesnt need a son just an employee. Again I thank you for your many kindnesses. I don't think i'd be here otherwise.

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Sometimes it can be hard to deal with them and the older they get the more pronounced it seems.  You do have to be aware of your own needs and make sure to take care of yourself first or you won't have anything left over for anyone else.  I'm sorry he's coming across like that.  There are senior companions, etc. perhaps he can try that.

I wish you well wherever you go.  I know none of us kids could have ever lived with my mom, she was too controlling and abusive, way fanatic, thankfully we all realized it.  Sometimes all I could handle with her was five minutes, sometimes an hour or half a day, it depended on how she was at the time.  I hope for some healing between the two of you, sometimes getting a breather away helps with that.

I know sometimes they fear losing control and they fight you on everything, at least my mom did.  It feels very unsettling for them to lose control and they fear things changing or being taken out of their control.  That's why my mom quit going to the doctor, she was afraid of what they'd say/do.  We had to get legal jurisdiction to force the issue as she'd quit taking her medicines and reached the place where she COULDN'T be in charge of her life.  She got her bank and insurance mixed up, let her homeowner's insurance lapse, etc.  She clearly wasn't in her right mind.  Your dad may not be at that point but I know the world looks to be a scary place to them when things start changing for them.

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 Thank you, I had wondered if it was just me and if I was being horrible wanting to leave. I think he does want to keep control and as long as he does and feels he is in charge he can forget whats really going on. And that would be ok. Most of the time hes nice and cordial. Just once in awhile he has this episode like the other night. he was 'dissapointed' in me because I had left the sink filthy. I remembered cleaning it but I looked and it was clean, no bits of food like he was claiming. I thought maybe its because the sink is stained so I tried to get the stain out. Which of course meant that I had cleaned it before he looked again. Basically calling me a liar. maybe I should be able to just be understanding and not take it personally and just understand whats wrong with him.  I dont know if i can. 

Theres no way in the world he would understand theres something wrong with him nor would he go to the doctor either. He just cannot see nor admit theres anything wrong with him. He wouldnt survive on his own. I'm not close to my brother at all and dont trust him, hes out of state. As for me i'm out of work trying to study for my IT certification so I can finish my years in a Helpdesk or Tech job, retail isnt viable at this age. I had never thought life would be like this. So i'm in a bit of a pinch as far as options. What I decided is to start going thru my things and trim the fat so to speak and packup what I dont use everyday that I want to keep and therefore be ready to move. I've tried my best to help him but he doesnt want it, so he will make his own mistakes and sadly will hurt me and my brother.

But what hurts is that I have been helping with everything I can, I gave up on thoughts of a career in animation because I would have had to move away, for them. And to him its just a business relationship, im not a son. Even tho he was telling me yesterday I didnt need to study or work again because when he passes I will come into alot of money, lol. He's always been like that, thinking he can manipulate people with the lure of oney. If I do end up leaving that will be the end of it all and he can give everything to my brother. Sorry this is long and whiney.

Thank you again, it's good to know its not just me. I'm just keeping my head down like a good employee and waiting for the next episode.

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