Mom

[Tachi]

There are no words, you cut straight to the heart and all i can offer are tears. God bless you my friend, I am deeply thankful.

[kayc]

I've been there, dear Tachi.  I know how hard the journey is.

[Tachi]

Yes ma'am...and I see that you came through it all and are a good person. It gives me hope. 

I've been doing some studying in the evenings on life. based on the last couple years events and how I acted and felt it seems that i really didnt understand much of life nor myself. At this point in time this is my road and I must walk it. My challenge is to learn and prepare for what is to come. My challenge and opportunity is to consider that this is the last phase of my life. As I cant say I like my past I can attempt to create my future. Who do I want to be and how do I want to live. the test is to see clearly and to be able to change. I understand that when I pass I will be forgotten. I will not change this world nor leave behind much of note. And that's ok. 

And lest I forget I wanted to wish you ladies a Happy Mom's Day

Take care

[kayc]

Don't cut yourself short, you're a good man.  And thanks for the wishes!

[Tachi]

https://narcwise.com/2018/09/18/what-happens-when-narc-knows-you-know/

 

my best friend sent me this website and there are some good articles, describing my dad to a 'T', so much so is scary. I can understand how things must be for him but considering how he has treated me and knowing what he is capable of i will not ever be close to him or trust him or leave myself in a vulnerable position. If it comes to it I would just have to leave no matter the cost to me or him. Anyway, thought this might be a good read.

[kayc]

Tachi, I have excerpts from a book Malignant Self-Love, I originally had the whole book, not sure what happened to it, but I've sent it to you by email...it described my XH to a T and really, my mom somewhat too.  When you understand more about a Narcissist, you realize they don't seem capable of truly loving, but rather they can mimic what they've seen to fool people, but the real deal, no.  

[Tachi]

Thank you....it's interesting now how I look back and things fall into place. And how what he did was to keep me down. Its odd that for the last four years, a couple in animation school and a year now studying for my IT certifications he has not encouraged me nor shown any interest. Funny how when he had episodes I knew something was wrong with him but this really makes it clear. Sad to think about all the people who deal with this and dont understand. Very sad to think that Mom had to deal with it. At the end she was afraid of so many things. I honestly think it for the best that she passed. She is at peace now. 

[kayc]

Tachi, I concur.  My mom was tormented all her life with emotional/mental problems she didn't get help for, but now she is at peace and able to be the person she was created to be.  That brings me peace, although sometimes I miss her even though I know her response would be inappropriate, I guess we softly forget how it really was.

Your mom didn't have those issues but she had her own things to deal with (your dad) and now is at rest and in peace.  I hope that brings you comfort.

[Tachi]

Mom, in her dementia or whatever it was that afflicted her became sweeter and more childlike. And she forgot things. One time she saw a Coca-cola commercial and said out loud how she wondered what that tasted like. Of course she had had them plenty of times before. So dad got her a 6pack of Coke, which she wrinkled up her nose at. Near the end she wasnt herself yet maybe she was more so. I dont know at what point either of them started changing. I couldnt tell in a phone call. sadly, I didn't understand what was going on when she was still here. But yes ma'am she is at peace and she doesnt have to endure the fears she had. Even though I would love to have just one more day with her and talk about life and laugh, all in all I think its better this way.

Thank you my friend.

[kayc]

My mom became sweeter and softer with her Lewy Bodies Dementia, but when she was in dementia care they also treated her for her paranoia, which greatly caused the problems we'd had with her as it skewed her perception and hence her responses.  I'm thankful she went out softer because it made it easier to remember her by.  Of course we haven't forgotten the other years but it made it easier to forgive.

I feel the same, I wish I could have one more day with her...and each of those I've loved.  

[Tachi]

Its hard to understand. But thru his issues he doesnt perceive the world and his life properly. he has had issues with weakness and at times dizziness yet refuses to see the doctor. He fell once that I know of and it eventually led to filling 3 discs with cement. he remembers it as his neck and will defend that to the end. The nurse showed me the bandage when i picked him up from the hospital and they fixed the bottom 3 on his lower back. The docs report lists the ones worked on and yep they are those last 3. 

He doesnt do anything to take care of himself, just sits all day. He needs to get some exercise and could use a little sunlight and sit on the porch. But he just wont listen. If I say it he will say the opposite. 

Last night as we were getting readu to go out to eat he got weak and/or dizzy and fell. As far as he says he wasn't hurt. He refuses to go to the doctor. I pointed out if that happens in the car he will wreck. If he falls again he may not be so lucky and may break an arm or worse and he just shrugs. I don't know if he is being contrary or if its just because its me saying it. He doesnt have alot of money and he doesnt save for an emergency. 

Today he told me he will die soon and he was at peace with it and he wanted me to be also. He doesnt want his life prolonged artificially. No idea why he thinks he is about to die. I told him that I understand he has a dnr order and that he doesnt want to prop his life up which would be for a short time. he wants to die when his time comes. But that I want to make sure he has the best quality of life he can. If he has issues that the doc can help with then we need to do it and not just ignore every problem. Tbh, I think he has just given up and doesnt want to even try to address his issues. This is where being a narcissist will kill him. There have been many things since his stroke that he could have done that would make it easier now. but he knew best all along and never listened to his doctors or therapists...or me. His hearing aids from the VA, that are free, one quit working and the other was going. Didnt want my help, didnt want a ride to the VA, didnt listen when i suggested send one in and then the other when ya get that one back. So he ends up paying 5K to his audiologist when he could have gotten em for free. I'm frustrated.   I had already learned to not believe the compliments or praise and to never let my guard down. But of the things he said about his estate...like providing a small acct to pay the bills until i can get the house cleaned up and sold...those are turning out to just be wind. I can never trust him because I know he isnt 'real'. I never know when he is trying to scam me. Hoping to be ready to look for work end of the year and for that i hope he is around that long. I know that sounds mercenary but have to take care of myself foremost. 

My exam was going to be tomorrow but after his fall yesterday I pushed that back to monday and im glad I did. Been so distracted all day. i cant push it back again tho. It's funny how when I used to think of death and of aging I thought of it as growing old and then passing in my sleep. And I thought that my dad would be the same way. But its what happens til then thats scary as can be. You can lose your mind. You can have any number of issues...which can cause falls, breaks, strains, and other serious injury. 

SO many things i think children dont know about helping their parents and planning for their own old age. But then how many parents will even listen?

 Feels so weird here now. Like i'm stuck waiting for him to die and hoping he doesnt fall and break something or need to go to a home. And I see stuff but get scoffed at if I suggest so i dont. Tbh I dont know how hireable I am at present, yep g/l focusing on study tonight.

Take good care of yourselves, i'm just frustrated. Seems like I have issues studying and remembering because all this is just constantly running through my head. 

 

[kayc]

Could it be that he's in a power struggle of some sort?  Defending his position to the end.  Even if it kills him.  Dead right.

I wouldn't get into argument with him.  If he wants to think it's his neck instead of lower back, it doesn't change anything.

You have a lot on your plate right now. I wish I could tell you to focus on your studies, on yourself, as if it were that simple.  Oh if only it were that simple.  I hope you come through this okay, you've worked so hard for it.  

I don't know of anything scarier than old age.  Your father is so lucky to have you.

[Tachi]

yes ma'am, can't argue or convince insanity. That is the scariest thing i've ever seen. And I wonder if that's not how serial killers are, how they decide that what they are doing is ok. I wonder if perhaps he sees that his understanding of the world is false and he cant reconcile it. I would think that if you sense the end is coming and make your peace with it you might do something other than just sit in the dark all day...that is not at peace. I dont know how to say this without it sounding bad, but if he's not going to take at least the minimal precautions to prevent falls and injury then he's going to end up in a bad way and expect me to provide fulltime care. Which I cannot do. He's also going to go broke and then wont understand having to sell the house. I want to write a book when this is all done but I know people have already done so and much better than I could. Aging is dangerous and scary. When our society got so advanced that we stopped valuing and thus understanding and caring for our elderly...we took a huge step backward. All of us will visit that time and we can only pray we don't have issues. 

All this sheds light on so many things in my life. But there is no blame, just some understanding. we are where we are and thats all. All I can do is move onward. Retention in studies is almost nonexistent...I have this dialogue running through my head on this stuff all day. Studying but this in my head, there is no focus. I just don't know what will be next, a fall, stroke, a bout of anger....I don't know if he will be here tomorrow and life will go upside down. maybe i'm supposed to learn focus in all this, if there indeed is a lesson in all things. It's certainly out of my hands. 

Prayers appreciated for the next few weeks, IF I can pass the exam then Mom's probate hearing on the first and get the Deed on the house fixed. That at least will be a big relief. Will take two weeks off and do some things around the house and some art tutorials. Then maybe will have something nice to show. It's funny. I no longer can say how 'we' as a society have been raised or how we are because things were different for me. I was not taught strength and resiliency and to stand up for myself. But trying to learn that now. have we largely created a society like me? If I was the person i wanted to be/ should be...how would I be now? 

Anyway, thank you for your words, take good care of yourself.

[kayc]

I've been sick with a nasty flu all week so all there is is taking care of myself, have had to cancel all plans.  Going stircrazy being alone.

My sister is somewhat like this, never taken care of herself, no exercise ever.  Lived for herself.  Now she's in a bad way and I don't know what she'd do if not for her husband.  She's 75 and he's 80.  She can't get off a toilet without a riser.  I didn't know this, took her across the state to my other sister's retirement party and lo and behold she gets stuck on the toilet.  I had to go for my BIL to pull her up.  She has no strength in her legs.  Even my quadriplegic sister could get up from the toilet, we just had to help with balance!  Then she smoked in my car at a rest area when I was in the restroom, setting off my allergies and Asthma attack, likely weakening my immune system so I caught the flu.  

How do these people get by, never doing for themselves?  I have no one but myself to rely upon and I think about those who have given no thought to their situation by helping themselves over the years...I guess I'm fiercely independent by nature, I would not want to find myself in their situation.

I pray you can muster focus and pass the test, it will mean so much for you.  

So are you planning on taking art tutorials or leading them?  And what kind?

[Tachi]

  Hope you're feeling better. just take it slow and get lots of rest and fluids. Watch some movies or do some reading. When I was a kid and sick i'd grab a stack of history and mythology books and just lose myself. let's see, chicken noodle soup and hot tea with lemon, better yet ginger and lemon tea.

largely I think people go with how they were raised. When my folks were young physical fitness wasnt really valued by anyone but athletes. And I dont think most people understand that they should start NOW wherever they are in life. Its very tough to do. Esp getting older and no energy. I went from on my feet 40/week to nada and my legs started going. VERY hard to keep it going but i'm not giving up. I saw Mom almost fall several times making quick movements. People dont understand they slowly without noticing lose muscle mass, strength, balance and co ordination and its devastating. They just dont ever believe its needed, cause they dont see past the here and now. My dad is paying for that big time now. 

They say the legs are the first to go. i have no idea if its too late or not for her but very good she has her husband. 

Thats a consideration I have, that I am alone here. When dad goes then well, that is really it here. So looking forward I best be in better shape. People just dont understand and alot of them dont find out. Things fall away.

This exam, lol. They are well known for the confusing nature of their questions. Like they purposefully want to confuse. there may be 3 ways to do something but they will only want the way you would never use. It's not a matter of 'can you do X'...but 'can you do X using the way we want". Thats what scares me I guess. Well, if I dont pass will retake 3 weeks later. Thank you for the pryers, they are needed.

Tutorials...watching/reading and doing them. For 3d and for photoshop on how to do various things related to creating environmental art. Such as making architecture and creating and applying textures. I dont seem to like freshly painted houses. mine have to have some worn paint, broken plaster, that scratch where lil johnny hit it with his bike 100 times....and putting the parts together to make say a nice courtyard for tea. I seem to prefer places like an old Italian or Spanish courtyard with lots of vines and trees and shrubs and old brownish/red tile....but first things first.

Ok off to fix dinner. take good care of yourself. Rest, tea, and more rest. let us know how you're feeling.

 

[kayc]

Doing much better today!  My stamina is still not back to par but my stomach feels better so that says a lot.

My BIL has been taking Peggy walking for the last year at the grocery store with her walker, up and down all the aisles three times.  It's something but apparently too little too late.  I would hate to reach the point I couldn't get up from the toilet even with help.  That is so frightening.  I'm afraid if she didn't have him, she'd be in a nursing home or assisted living.  That breaks my heart.  I never dreamed it was this bad.

Well you show a lot of interest in life, and there's a lot to be said for that!  

[Tachi]

Good to hear you're doing better. Just go slow and sleep, fluids and eat carefully, get your strength back. At least she is trying. many people dont really understand how things degrade until its too late. I know that I thought walking at work was enough and it wasnt near enough. I wonder if something like yoga or taichi for the elderly would be good for her. She could even do it sitting. problem is and what I struggle with is that you cant really work hard enough to get inshape because youre out of shape so bad. But mine is coming along albeit slowly.  I've also seen places where they lay you in an exercise bed and strap on electrodes which stimulate certain muscles.  Thats one of the things learned the hard way about life. We do not control it, it happens regardless. And we can either take it as best we can or suffer for it otherwise. She does have help tho, and she has you. So she is not alone.

As for me, coasting thru most of life quite lost. yet at certain times i would have a little whisper in my ear warning me of things to come, and I ignored every time and have suffered for it. It is too easy to get trapped in the 'here and now' and not look to the future. these last couple years have been a crash education in Life. All I really want is to live not in discomfort and create my artwork. Just seems so hard to keep from drifting. I just want to survive abd create, dont care what I leave for posterity because no one will care. just want to do what makes me happy on the innermost level. That and I get a stubborn streak a mile wide from my Mom.  

take good care of yourself...

[kayc]

Peggy has lack of balance from a car accident when she was 23, it damaged that portion of her brain.  At least she walks six days a week but apparently there's too much damage done from so many falls, she crushed her vertebrae over a year ago and had surgery 7/31, something I had to insist on or the hospital would have canceled again.  She went to rehab after so between hospital and rehab was gone 4 weeks.  Her husband has had her up and walking ever since, but why she has no strength in her legs to get up from the toilet I don't know.  She also broke her foot about three years ago and refused to go to the doctor so it never healed right, that might be contributory.  She's just made so many bad decisions regarding her health it's all taking it's toll now, I'm afraid.  She was off cigarettes for the month at hosp & rehab but demanded to start up again when she got home, smoking in the house even with her COPD, that hasn't helped her overall health either.

Alas I can take her places (if she doesn't smoke in my car) but can't go into her home to help because of the smoke.  I refuse to let my health be jeopardized to help someone who won't even help themselves, too many times my health has suffered because of it, and I draw the line, I have year around allergies and Asthma.

I'm glad you have your artwork!  I made cards for over 30 years and haven't done much the last couple of years but recently got back into it.  There's something about creating that is so invigorating, no matter what the product or medium!  I used to teach classes in it and had my cards in the local art gallery before it closed during the recession.  Keep on with it, what kind of art do you do?  I can see a card in most anything!  I've made them from toilet paper, sand, dryer lint, basket liners, pretty much anything/everything!  And they look amazing!

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Tachi said:

I get a stubborn streak a mile wide from my Mom.

I love it!

[Tachi]

I dont know why but I have been thinking more about my past and why I am like I am. makes more sense generally. Because of many things I am too mild and dont stand up when I should. Sometimes I am in a situation where i cant do anything. When dad acts the madman and just keeps insisting on what I know is false. he is pretty transparent for what he is doing. I give alot of ground and then snap. I would like to be always under relaxed control and not let people get to me, ever. Detach. I have been waking up finally these last 3 years and trying to change. Sadly my life is not in a place to make the changes i need. Too many times in life we dont have the freedom to do the things or make the choices we would like. I have lived my life drifting and not doing what i love to do. All I want is to survive and be able to do the art I am passionate about. Now I know why my dad always criticized my art and never liked it. Mom loved it. And why when I tried creating music dad would make fun of it until I quit. now I know why i get frustrated if I try something new and it isnt fantastic right away...and I quit trying. But maybe now that I know i can defend against it. I just hate people trying to take advantage and bully, I hate people lying and playing games. I dont really have a choice about being here, not a good one, so I dont know what lesson im supposed to learn.

 

my art is 3d, done on the computer. My love is environments, outdoor places, patios, courtyards, LOVE Japanese architecture tat isnt modern. I make places that offer peace, places i'd like to go.  Enclosed my favorite that ive done.

[Tachi]

Ok, so peggy has more reasons than just age. She really is blessed to have help and people who love her. The things we always take for granted as we grow up when we lose them...I wonder if maybe theres some nerve damage or something. I dont know much about it . That smoking, my folks quit when we were young, cant stand being around the stuff. maybe its her comfort. Yes ma'am, take care of yourself, you're all you've got. I was thinking the other night that after this exam i'm revisiting my workout program and adding mental exercises and diet and make the goal of being fit all around. I'm all i've got literally. it should ne doable to look at each area and draw up a simple plan, leave some wiggle room and just follow the plan and adjust as needed. 

Well off to sleep, big day tomorrow, take care and get lots of rest.

[kayc]

Your artwork is beautiful!  Wow!  I can't imagine creating something like that!  We all have our own talents, it's so important to use them, creativity especially!  I hear you about the music, when I was in Junior High I had a teacher willing to give me free piano lessons (I was writing music and loved piano) but her only stipulation was I had to have a piano in the home.  We had room for it on our covered patio, I found one for free and my mom gave me one resounding NO!  I got a mental block against it after that, never tried again, don't remember anything I was taught about it.  I have been in choir and on church's praise team all my life (leading morning worship) so I do still love music.  But her total non-support hit me hard.  All my siblings got an instrument to play.

I think Peggy considers it her RIGHT and she's very stubborn.  Won't consider what's in her best interest.  Can't tell her anything.  Won't listen to reason.  But then it's very addictive...although she's never desired or tried to quit.  They had her off of it for a month and as soon as she got home, she lit up, in the house.

 

 

[Tachi]

Just a quick update, passed my exam this afternoon. Near the end I managed to reboot the computer I was on but the tech was able to save my exam. I had promised myself two weeks off. Want to do some things around the house for dad and probate hearing in a week so need to get w/ atty and drive downtown so i know how i'm going. And watch a ton of tutorials for artwork aaand figure out how to use the many things ive learned on these exams so I dont forget them, while preparing for the next exam.

[Tachi]

Thanks Marty, hope you're well. Good to have it done

[kayc]

So happy for you!