Mom

[Tachi]

Not at this time. So he doesnt have the memory and has to create one on the fly without knowing it. Normally isnt a problem other than very irritating. Dont know if this is also part of it but he seems to need to disagree with everything I say. I thought that was his narcissism, he's always got to be right and is the only bearer of truth. before mom passed he was actually looking for signs he had dementia issues so he was aware. I see he doesnt realise his issues. he would never agree to be looked at. he has to always be in control.

Thank you Marty

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Tachi said:

The only course I see is to avoid those subjects and hope the Ins company is fine with the info given.

Sounds good.  As I said, we went through much of this with my mom as her mind totally distorted the truth and it could change from one time to the next but she'd be convinced of her rightness.  But she had multiple personality disorders as well as dementia in latter years.  Her perceptions were always distorted, she had severe paranoia, and hence her responses were a distortion as well.  It helped greatly getting a thorough evaluation of her brain, but we were only able to do that after getting a court order for it as she was totally uncooperative about everything.  My mom, like your dad, was extremely stubborn.  As she began to lose her grip on reality...and she'd never had a firm grip there to start with, she began to protect her "control" by avoiding doctors, etc. and like your dad, wouldn't listen to any of us.  Proceeding to take her to court to get the medical evaluation was the best thing we could have done!  She needed 24/7 lockdown, so even assisted living would not have helped, they would not take her in assisted living because of the liability.  The same reason we could not take her into our homes.  She was dangerous.  We all thought about it but we knew it wouldn't work, even if we'd had help, which we did not.  The dementia care facility was equipped to deal with her, to keep her physically safe, to give her the around the clock care she needed, to have two or more people at all times to move or handle her.

I know you think this is not an option, but it is.  Yes, in the end, every cent from her place was spent on her care, with very little left over in the end, and that going to my brother alone.  But it was worth it, she needed the care.  And it was the most humane way to deal with it.  Lord only knows what she thought we were doing to her, but she soon forgot even that in her dementia, which seemed to be a blessing in that regard.  I feel we did the right thing for her and I know everyone's situation is unique and you will make what you feel is the right decision for your dad.  I hope you have power of attorney set up.

[Tachi]

I am sincerely praying that he is able to continue dealing with life and not need a facility. that alone would kill him. He has always fought tooth and nail to be in control of his life and to be the boss. Going to court would be a very last option. 

I had started just agreeing w/ him on the small things to make life easier and after reading the article Marty linked to it drove home.  I would be lost without you both. I pass all this on also to my best friend. he is seeing some of this with his Mom. I had suspected his narcissism made him just say things opposite me, but I guess that and he just does make it up. As long as it doesnt affect my life correctly...my business...or affect his business affairs he's ok. In general he's ok altho i worry. he has agreed to show me any legal notices he gets, just to make sure they get taken care of. luckily his life is pretty clean. 

Power of Atty, hmmph, spoken about that and the medical version but he drags his feet. i think he is afraid i will do something to him. Tbh i'd rather just be left alone in life and study etc.....guess we will play this day by day. At least i know a bit better whats going on with him and will try to keep my mouth shut and just agree. 

You menyioned avoiding doctors and near the end Mom was scared of her doctor, well she said the building he was in scared her. I didnt understand and thought she was just being silly. Wish I had understood then what I know now. I dont think I could have saved her but I could have made life a bit better. I had taken her in just a month or so before she passed and when she was in the docs office that last day her signs were normal, so maybe it was just her time. I dont think i will ever come to peace with it.

Thank you and take good care of yourself.  I promise that one day sonoest i will post some artwork.

[MartyT]

20 minutes ago, Tachi said:

after reading the article Marty linked to it drove home.  I would be lost without you both. I pass all this on also to my best friend. he is seeing some of this with his Mom.

Good for you, Scott. Make sure that you and your friend take a look at some of the many links listed here as well: Caregiving and Grief in Alzheimer's and Dementia: Suggested Resources  ♥

[Tachi]

Thanks Marty, amazing resource.  

[Tachi]

Hi,

Hope this finds you ladies doing well. I need an opinion and some advice I guess. My dad had asked me to set up his estate. My brother is in Cali and cant do it and his work keeps him there when hes working. What he does has been kept a secret but apparently it's not something he can do here in Texas. So dad informed me that I will be settling his estate when he passes. 

I knew nothing about estate planning and I did hours of research and dealing with legalities ad the atty. Thankfully his estate is small. His wish is that nothing go through probate and that both of us kids share equally. Here is the issue looming on the horizon.

My brother has asked me a couple times if I wanted to live in the house and I told him no, I can in no way afford to stay here. I am still unemployed and studying for certifications to look for a job in IT. I do not want to leave dad by himself so I plan on studying for certs until he passes. I have talked to dad that i wont live in the house that i will sell it and hes ok with that. Lawfully my name will be the one on the deed so i will be able to sell it. But if my brother wishes he could get an atty and sue to block the sale. It will be a very difficult time. I cannot in any way allow myself to go broke enough that I cant get an apt. i will need to find a job. yes i had counted on the estate to provide a good cushion to get started back in life.

My great fear is going broke and ending out on the street. I also cant afford to have my name on the mortgage and the sale gets tied up, i run out of money and lose the house, ruins my credit and then cant get an apt or job. I hold no illusion, it will be very tough to get either. 

My brother is like my dad. he is overbearing to the point of rudeness. he tries to play you and honestly he's not good at it. he tries to tell me I can easily afford to live here because his bills are so much more. Lol. Which means nothing other than he has high bills and a much better income. 

At this point I feel like dad could go any day. then im fighting my brother for the estate. Trying to find a job and an apt. If it comes down to a protracted fight i dont have the resources to hang in so will have to abandon it all. At this point I consider that I no longer have any family.  People who try and use you arent family. I was up all night a couple nights ago working thru scenarios and the only one i can possibly survive is if I sell the house. 

anyway, sorry to vent, no one need answer.

 

[MartyT]

18 minutes ago, Tachi said:

Lawfully my name will be the one on the deed so i will be able to sell it. But if my brother wishes he could get an atty and sue to block the sale.

I am not an attorney, Scott, but it seems to me that if your name is on the deed and you are able to sell the house, and if it is your dad's wish that "both of us kids share equally" in his estate, then the only reason your brother could object is if you failed to give him his fair share from the sale of the house. I don't see where he would have the legal standing to fight you about selling the house, unless it is your intention to keep all the proceeds from the sale.

[Tachi]

Thanks Marty...thats what I was thinking but being an anxiety ridden person i think of all the possibilities. I have several times made it clear to my brother that the estate will be done, expenses paid and then we will share 50/50. I told him if theres something he wants as a keepsake i have no objections but he has to ask dad because I dont own it. I have no idea why he seems to want me to stay here. 

After my dads stroke he would talk about how he wouldnt live very long so he was going to spend every penny he got his hands on. My Great Aunt who was like a second Mother to us left some money with Mom to split between us boys. We had a copy of the Will in the safe that stated that. Moms fear was that if dad got ahold of it he would spend it asap. After Mom passed I talked to dad several times about the intent of that money and he would get mad and say he could do whatever he wanted with it, it was his. He didnt care what my Aunts Will said or the moral obligation. He did finally end up splitting it three ways which was satisfactory. I figure dad thought I was like him and wanted to be greedy. Not starving and living on the street eventually is important. But what I care about is the obligation to the people who matter. If my Aunt had put in her Will that all that money goes to a cat, then i would get dad to give it to a cat. 

Point being that I feel here I am the only one wanting to do whats right. I dont want to struggle or be homeless but I dont think im being greedy or anything of the kind. It makes me very sad that my brother wants to use me to further his own gain. No matter what he says or how he acts I will see the wishes of my dad fulfilled. I wonder if my dad would understand if I told him that executors are allowed in Texas to be compensated with a fee equal to 5% of the value of the estate. I'm not interested but i think what i'm doing is very much taken for granted. 

Anyway, i'm taking up your Sunday. Thanks as always for the helping hand. I do have an atty that helped with the estate stuff and will try to contact her. hve been trying for a couple weeks with no luck. Hope you have nice weather and can enjoy.

take care

[kayc]

Tachi,

I wouldn't open any can of worms.  That said, you should not feel bad if you DO get compensation for being executor, it's a lot of work and headache, that's why the law is there.  As for your brother, he'll get his share once liquidated, he'll have to wait for that and he has nothing to complain about.  My gosh, he's fortunate he's getting anything!  My sisters and I got nothing from my parents' estate, it all went to my brother.  And George (iPraiseHim) got nothing from his dad's estate, it all went to his sister.  Not every parent does everything equal so he really is lucky he doesn't have to do it and he can sit back and wait for his share.

You are very much like me, I overthink things and it sure can wreak havoc with anxiety!  I think of all possibilities, sometimes I wish I looked at things in simpler terms. 

 

[Tachi]

none of us has alot of money. I just want my fair share to survive. Im helping family so i want nothing more. It would be nice if they understood tho.  It just hurts my brother has no regard for me at all. he keeps trying to play me and is pretty obvious.For the life of me I dont see what use he has for it. I have become a firm believer in Family is who you choose, people who have shown their care for you. Sad to me that some think your purpose is to take advantage of you. I get that from my dad sometimes, he will try and tell me what to do or stick his nose where it doesnt belong and defends it by saying hes my father. I have to remind him i'm a 61 year old adult. Guess will need to remind my brother. You know how difficult this is and then some.

and Thank you

[kayc]

I rather imagine your brother will be like that as long as you live.  Some people think others are put here for them to take advantage.  I'm sorry, sorry you didn't get a better brother than that.  I hope you have a couple of good friends.  I used to, but not so close to anyone anymore except my one sister that has dementia.  And we both know life doesn't stand still, having her in my life all this time...that will change.  I lost my dog 8/16, his battle with Cancer, it's been hard-hitting, the purest love that ever was, he was pure joy in my life.  It's hard dealing with these changes.

[Tachi]

I'm truely sorry to hear about your dog. Wonderful companion, all love. Some people say get a new puppy, but it was never that simple for me. Hang in there and cherish the memories.

When we're young we know so many people. But as it progresses tyhe crowd dims for many reasons. I learned to distinguish friends from people who I knew. I have one friend in this world and he is like a brother. I fear I open up too much about life's struggles. I know I have insecurities and anxieties that do not belong in my life. But we are dealt the cards in Life and we do the best we can. As you say its always changing. Curious how we aren't really taught how to deal with Life.

Thank you for your kindness. I wish I had some wisdom for you but it seems i've misplaced it.

[kayc]

My dog was beyond special, he was the one of a lifetime...out of 23 dogs & cats I've had, he was the one that was perfect for me, I called him my soulmate in a dog.  His name was Arlie, and I could never replace him, although I hope someday I can have another dog to share in life with, I will wait for another special one even though it would never be close to being like Arlie. I like this picture of him from his younger days, it shows his playful spirit!

[Tachi]

That is indeed a very special dog and a very good looking one. This pic makes me smile. What a playful pup. I dont know how it applies but teres a special bond between dogs and humans. In some traditions they can be guides and spirit animals who arrive in our lives to teach, to love and help heal, many reasons. I think you were truely blessed to have Arlie in your Life. The last dog I had..Marco...was a miniature schnauzer. Really sweet dog and loved to play catch....

Yes, Arlie was a true blessing. take good care of yourself my friend.

[kayc]

Thank you, he was my heart.

[Tachi]

Just wanted to check in and ask how you laides are doing. has been a crazy year here so far and going way too fast. We have a stock of toilet paper, almost out of napkins, a bottle of hand sanitizer and enough food for a few weeks, so i guess we're ok. Dad is still up and down and we got him a wheelchair last week to use for trips to doctors. Ive spent the last two weeks on insurance, finding foods etc etc etc. now the test centers are all closed for at least a month. Not ready anyway. 

We are not on lockdown here yet altho shortly they will close all restaurants and gyms and bars. but keep food stores, banks, and gas stations open. Theres always Amazon if you can find anything in stock. So far we're ok and can find what we need. The yard needs so much work but little time.

On the other side of the coin, its 58 degrees with a gentle rain. Beaytifull and soothing.

take good care 

[kayc]

Amazon is extremely slow for them right now, as is Walmart and everywhere else.  I can't believe you have gyms open!  Here restaurants (except takeout), bars, schools, dental offices and vets (excepting emergencies), many doctors are closed, nigh impossible to get into a hospital, no visiting allowed, no churches, weddings, etc.  What state are you in?  You're probably said but I forget.

I have a tiny half used bottle of sanitizer but made some from hand lotion and rubbing alcohol.  No face masks but they said it doesn't do any good anyway.  Need to check for disposable gloves for when I go to the grocery store, limiting it to every 2 weeks for now.  People have bought out store's supply and I live 50 miles away (in the country) and I can't go when they open for seniors as I can't drive in the dark.  It's a hard situation.  I have to go to the church Tuesday to count whatever pittance of $ they might have, even that makes me nervous, don't know what I'll pay the bills/salaries with (I'm Treasurer).  

It was beautiful here yesterday but turned cold now and it will start snowing Monday night on, all next week at least.

This is crazy, never seen anything like it, I'm glad my mom isn't here to see this.  Miss having my husband here to go through things with but at the same time I'm glad he's spared this.  He was very social.  At least we could have weathered it together.

Wishing you and your dad the best...does he understand what's going on?

[Tachi]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

Amazon is extremely slow for them right now, as is Walmart and everywhere else.  I can't believe you have gyms open!  Here restaurants (except takeout), bars, schools, dental offices and vets (excepting emergencies), many doctors are closed, nigh impossible to get into a hospital, no visiting allowed, no churches, weddings, etc.  What state are you in?  You're probably said but I forget.

I have a tiny half used bottle of sanitizer but made some from hand lotion and rubbing alcohol.  No face masks but they said it doesn't do any good anyway.  Need to check for disposable gloves for when I go to the grocery store, limiting it to every 2 weeks for now.  People have bought out store's supply and I live 50 miles away (in the country) and I can't go when they open for seniors as I can't drive in the dark.  It's a hard situation.  I have to go to the church Tuesday to count whatever pittance of $ they might have, even that makes me nervous, don't know what I'll pay the bills/salaries with (I'm Treasurer).  

It was beautiful here yesterday but turned cold now and it will start snowing Monday night on, all next week at least.

This is crazy, never seen anything like it, I'm glad my mom isn't here to see this.  Miss having my husband here to go through things with but at the same time I'm glad he's spared this.  He was very social.  At least we could have weathered it together.

Wishing you and your dad the best...does he understand what's going on?

Sounds like you're surviving hang in there. They just friday or last night statewide shutdown. Carryout and delivery food only, doctors etc open, drugstores and ups/fedex oen. Grocery stores open. But I think everything else now is closed. 

Im in the dalllas-ft worth area. We havent had alot of virus here yet, tho it is growing. Other areas like Cal and NY they say are the worst. 

I've managed to get enough TP for a month or so and been food shopping twice and seem to get enough to live on. I dont want to go out but have no choice. They are limiting by law purchse sizes on TP, seriously. Cant find paper or cleaners but have a bit. 

My dad has been scaring me to death. The past couple days his tremors get so bad he cant eat. He is either having lucid dreams or hes hallucinating and hes so weak he cant get out of bed w/out help. he also has a brainfog. I called his doctors, who are closed but wanted to book an appt. Instead an ER doc called me back. Since he doesnt have fever or vomiting shes having me come down to get a specimin bottle tomorrow and get his urine smaple in for testing. maybe a UTI thats really messing him up. hes been peeing too much for a couple weeks and has a urology appt tuesday. But she wanted to get the sample in case they need to start antibiotics. Hes been totally out of it the past few days but I think he does understand whats going on tho not sure fully. hes also been sleeping alot more than normal. 

I think you can make your own hand sanitizer if you can get the ingredients, alcohol and aloe and something else. Wow, youre getting snow. We've had 50s to 80 and manyt days overcast and rainy. I love the rain so this is good weather for me Last night I stood in the doorway and listened to the rain for awhile, felt the cool breeze, its therapeutic, washes over you. Take good care of yourself and if theres something you need let me know. Maybe they will get some here and i'll send.

 

[kayc]

I was lucky to get a haircut Wed...Thursday they shut that down.  So I'm good for six weeks...might be able to get my neighbor to do it after that (she's a beautician).  
I'm allergic to aloe so that doesn't work for me but the lotion plus alcohol should work.  I'm make more when I need it, I have lots of hand lotion.  

So you're in a warmer state.  It's been nice here but dropping 20 degrees tomorrow, 40s daytime, 30s night.  No 80s though!

You are so sweet!  It seems hard times bring out the best or the worst in people depending on one's character.  

I love how you listened to the rain, we'll have some of that this week too (it is Oregon, after all!).  Nature is so restorative.

[Tachi]

26 minutes ago, kayc said:

I was lucky to get a haircut Wed...Thursday they shut that down.  So I'm good for six weeks...might be able to get my neighbor to do it after that (she's a beautician).  
I'm allergic to aloe so that doesn't work for me but the lotion plus alcohol should work.  I'm make more when I need it, I have lots of hand lotion.  

So you're in a warmer state.  It's been nice here but dropping 20 degrees tomorrow, 40s daytime, 30s night.  No 80s though!

You are so sweet!  It seems hard times bring out the best or the worst in people depending on one's character.  

I love how you listened to the rain, we'll have some of that this week too (it is Oregon, after all!).  Nature is so restorative.

Couple weeks ago I got some commercial TP on amazon, lol. Reserves. Definitely stay warm and get some hot tea or cocoa. I think like alot of folks I get too wrapped up in whats going on, the bad stuff and worry. But theres a need to step back and look fro a different view. Theres a part of us thats very important that is connected to nature. At least for me thats very strong. It just soaks in and soothes all the pain. I could have stood there for hours. When it gets a bit warmer im hoping to sit on the backporch at night and do some dreaming. The yard has taken on something of a wild look. personally I love it, but its not how people have their yard so....yes, nature nurtures, good for the soul. And doesnt that make perfect sense. God made tghe world, the animals, annd Man. We are the caretakers of these. Doesnt it make sense that we have a strand of nature running through us?

Take cae of yourself, stay warm.

[kayc]

Making the trek to the store today, didn't sleep much for thinking of everything I'd have to sanitize and how I would do this.  Will be glad when I'm back home!

My place is definitely natural, I live in the country.  I like that better than neatly manicured lawns.  Lots of trees and wild things growing, deer, elk, foxes running through.  Neighbors calling out to each other.  It's a nice place to live, even if I do have to deal with the snow sometimes.

I'd rather have the T-paper than the haircut!

[Tachi]

13 hours ago, kayc said:

Making the trek to the store today, didn't sleep much for thinking of everything I'd have to sanitize and how I would do this.  Will be glad when I'm back home!

My place is definitely natural, I live in the country.  I like that better than neatly manicured lawns.  Lots of trees and wild things growing, deer, elk, foxes running through.  Neighbors calling out to each other.  It's a nice place to live, even if I do have to deal with the snow sometimes.

I'd rather have the T-paper than the haircut!

One must have priorities after all. Sounds like you live in a really nice place, would be amazing peace and quiet.

For the second dayt Dad was too weak to get out of bed. He soaked it as well. he says he cant turn over but he sure tears it up trying. I spent 3 hours and several trips to the doc to get him a peetest, no UTI. His new doc is awesome and asked me to bring him in asap and she looked. BP etc were good, his lung and O2 weird a lil. So they did blood and we went for chest xrays so will see tomorrow if he has pneumonia. 

he is so brainfogged as well, its scary. Doc says our O2 levels drop at night so his must be dropping to where it affects his brain else his alzheimers/etc is really destroyung his brain. This was a big drop and it came on suddenly. but I have figured something out.

Since ive been back (3 or 4 years) he has 'drainage' and his breathing gurgles, he also has issues when he eats, he claims drainage, where he chokes and coughs. But last night as we were discussing being dehydrated he said he drinks until hes full and if he drinks any more it comes out. That if he leaned forward all the water would come out. What I think is he has bad issues with swalowing, so the water is being trapped either in his throat or his upper respiratory tract. Thus he gurgles when he breathes, thus he chokes and coughs because the water and food dont pass through his throat to his stomach, thus he is 'severely' dehydrated, adding to his weakness. he and I had the talk about responsibility. he thinks he will just do as he wants and I told him I am legall responsible for him and if he did something stupid and got hurt I get in trouble. he never ever thinks what I say is true, even when he has no idea he will always say im wrong. Tbh I dont know how long I can do this. I havent had a shower and didnt have coffee. My dad was so out of it today that he has no idea whats going on. If this is our everyday now then im sorry but he will need to go into a Home. I havent studied in a week. 

Anyway, I dont knowwhere this came from or what happened to him but we need to get him healthy again. Wish I could stargaze in your yard, sounds like the peace I need. I think ill grab a shower after the news, maybe soak a bit. take good care and hoe the store went well

[kayc]

Oh yes, it sounds like something you would enjoy...it is beautiful here.  I have a 43 year old mobile home with no foundation, needs painted and new carpet but they weren't intended to last this long, still I will have a roof over my head as long as I need it and everything else has been kept up as best as I could manage.  It's not the house that matters to me so much as the nature around it...tall evergreens down to the creek (my property abuts it) I'm on a well and the water is perfect, not an abundance but enough for my needs, I don't have to ration it or anything and it was fine raising a family.  I love my neighbors, they're all great.  Recently my new neighbor was putting in a new mailbox/stand and he put in a new one for me as well!  Wouldn't take anything for it as I'd given him George's workbench, it had gone unused 15 years so it got it out of my way.  Wood heat, it's a lot of work but at least you can count on it and it doesn't go out in a storm!  I love the sounds of the birds, squirrels, and other critters here.  Over the years I've seen owls come to visit, bats, NW Tanagers, cougars, fox, bear, raccoons, elk, deer.  A photographer's or artist's dream (which I am neither).  I always said I was too busy living life to document it!

How smart of you to figure out what the doctors have not!  Stretching the esophagus is simple and painless, I used to work at a clinic and they did that, it sounds icky but my sisters have had it done and they say it doesn't hurt a bit.  It can make a huge difference to his swallowing!  Bless his heart, it has to have been uncomfortable not being able to swallow water.  Getting dehydrated can be dangerous.  I had a dear friend who went through that often, she'd pass out and go the hospital.  She was tiny as a rail, and didn't drink enough.  Hoping the doctors get it all figured out, his lungs, everything.

[Tachi]

Wood burning fire is one of the most relaxing scents known to mankind. Its funny that for all the modern this and that we praise the older-fashioned places bring such comfort. You dont need anything fancy. But sounds like where you are brings you great benefits. Few kids these days I think understand, i dont think they could even stand the peace and quiet. I think id buy a camera and actually read the directions lol. 

Life is so very odd. After two days of total weakness my Dad is better than hes been in awhile. They did urinalysis, chest xrays, bloodwork and all clean. hes been sleeping well, napping alot but hes strong and even walked without his walker yesterday, even sat in his rocking chair on the back porch. Curious to see how long this lasts. I even think his tremors are better.

Sad thim w/ him regarding his throat...he always thinks hes fine, nothing is wrong, he doesnt have any issues. I tried talking about his throat etc and he dismisses it like a fairytale. What ive learned is he is at risk for getting food in his resp tract and getting infection and pneumonia. Will keep trying but unless HE thinks he needs help he wont even listen. Tragic thing is that he knows nothing. 

Went food shopping a couple days ago and was pleased there was plenty, esp meats. Didnt check the paper aisle but am sure it was empty. Not sure what people are doing but we're fine for awhile. Enjoy the nature for me when you can. There is a magic to the sounds and interplay of light and shadow. Take good care

 

 

[kayc]

I'm glad your dad is better for the moment...surely wish he'd try the throat stretching, it'd make all the difference in the world and many never have to have it repeated.  Next time he chokes you might remind him.  Maybe if he hears it enough?  I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to have answers/help and he won't listen.

My kids grew up here...they both have a huge love for nature.  If I ever have to leave here, there is a trailer court & RV Park ten miles away that is beautiful...they're by the river and have a path you can walk on next to it and benches to sit out on.  It's a place I'd consider if I ever have to downsize and this place is too much for me.