Mom

[Tachi]

Theres a video on Amazon prime called Forest Bathing. In Japan people walk thru beautifull forests and just bathe in the peace and the beauty and renew themselves. the video is just the camera slowly going thru some different forests in the US. I imagine what it must be like, sounds and smells and the feel of the air. that would indeed be peace. You've given your kids a wonderful gift giving them a love for nature.

 

My dad.....the past couple weeks have been so crazy. Two days so weak he cant get out of bed. Then he gets strong over a couple days and is stronger than ive seen him in a long time. And this without his Parkinsons med. yesterday I was able to get that for him. He said he didnt sleep last night so today is weak and very out of it. So, he goes from walkibg mostly on his own to barely with the walker, in a day. Thats his up and down. I hope it doesnt drop any lower. I never can understand why the lows, docs say thats parkinsons. I was curious if there would be a reaction to his taking his med again. Like maybe he took it before bed last night and it caused him to not sleep. 

Wanted to ask, hows the new member of the family? Chew up your shoes yet?

take good care. We still dont have much virus here so hoping it doesnt get too bad before they get some drugs going

[kayc]

My mom had Lewy Bodies Dementia, which is kind of like a cross between Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, but she also had Leukemia, which they didn't treat because they said the dementia would get her first.  She reached the point where they wouldn't let her use a walker anymore because of her falls, she'd bruise really bad.  That's when it really got to her, when she was stuck in a wheelchair and I wasn't allowed to take her out anymore.  so hard to watch them go through this.

Have you googled his Rx for side effects?  

Kodie hasn't chewed up anything except his toys and my carpet padding...he split it apart and pulled out the matting!  I have a board over it in the bedroom to visibly remind him it's off limits.  Put a rug and rocking chair over the place in living/family room so he can't get at it anymore.  When he's older I'll be able to remove both, but right now he's teething heavily.  I know his gums hurt, the day he did this he'd lost three teeth and more cutting through.   I got him a rawhide bone to chew on and that helps him.  I keep an eye on him when he has it because I don't want him swallowing bits of it, but the texture seems perfect for teething on.

I hate going out, scared of getting it at my age, but need to buy food, do my work at the church.  The gov't isn't postponing payroll quarterly reports/payments!

[Tachi]

     At this point its hard to tell what is his age, his parkinsons, or his med. It can cause postural deformity. Hes weak to begin with. But he generally sits almost twisted sideways in his chair and when hes weaker hes twisted using his walker. After he had his spinal fusion on 3 disks he could almost stand up straight but I dont think he had the strength to keep doing it. 

He has had a couple falls from turning and feinting. he has some compulsive behaviour, like wanting to have someone come in and fix every little thing he perceives as wrong with the house. he doesnt need to have anything done. he thought one time that since the carpet is getting worn that whomever buys the house should be given money to have it fixed. Or the pulldown stairs into the attic. They would install the same thing. My worst fear is that he goes broke. I cant get him to understand to just hang on to his money in case he needs more medical procedures. Plus when hes gone I dont have the money to pay his estate costs or pay the bills on this house til it sells. 

Anyway, doubt they can do anything anyway.

I know it must be an aweful situation for my Dad and likewise it must have been for your Mom. To be honest I hope and pray I never have to find out for myself. 

You're a good Mom, rawhide chews are awesome. Sounds like a good lil puppy. One day there will be a nice yard to explore. 

yes ma'am. I dont want to go out, period. But have to for food and dads meds. Everytime I go out my face starts itching and I feel a need to scratch it lol. The mind is a terrible place I think. I think this is a serious virus. I also notice how the press is pushing it like an election or the super bowl. Theres way too much political and other stuff going on. At this point im trying to ignore it. They did say the next 2 weeks will be rough but may be a turning point. 

Ive been working on the yard a little at a time. have found two large Trumpet Vines. Dont know if you have them there. They look good and have  pretty flower but they are extremely aggressive and will choke out everything they touch. Going to have to make time to fix em. 

Anyway, stay safe and be careful. If you dont have a facemask theyre saying use any cover you have llike a bandana or make a mask. Too bad you cant work from home and have food delivered. I'll send you a long stick with a glove on the end. When you have to go out just use it to measure distance and poke people who get too close.

[kayc]

I'll have to make a face mask tomorrow as I need to count $ at the church Tuesday and get groceries probably Wednesday.  

Haven't heard/seen Trumpet Vines.  We have some wild stuff I don't care for plus too many nettles (I hate those!), sprayed them but they didn't care!

This afternoon the neighbors let their little dog out and her and Kodie ran back and forth along the fence, over and over, they had a ball!  So cute to watch them.

There's no food delivery here in the country, I'm 50 miles from shopping!

[Tachi]

well no spur of the moment run to get pizza. Would require good planning. I bet the plants and varmints you have up there are pretty tough. 

Going to get dad a docs appt tomorrow. At dessert tonight he coughed up phlegm for an hour. Got a callback from a doctor and he says is probably from his Parkinsons. And why he has trouble, he cant swallow at times, This is why he would say his pills wouldnt go down, and he was full of water and all the other things that he made excuses for. His muscles arent working properly so will see what they say

At this point I dont know if or when i wil take exam. always seems to be something. Waiting to talk to the Internet people. I check dads email and he got one that looks like Phishing that the service will be cut off cause they have an issue with his billing info. Which looks good on his acct page but, anyway, stuck waiting. 

What all thses companies need to do is hire extra people to work at home to answer customer service calls. 

The puppy sounds fun. Must be a dream come true for him. 

Take good care and be safe

[kayc]

This pup had it good from the day he was born...he had his mom and dad and siblings there, and room to roam and play.  And they fed him the same food we've discovered and fed our dogs, only puppy version.  He is a godsend to me.

I'm sorry for your dad, he doesn't understand enough to make decisions that would help him.  Sounds like he needs a POA to make decisions for him, but like my mom, doesn't want to lose control.  In the end, though, my brother was my mom's POA, which was best because he lived in her town.  At first she accused him of of stealing from her (he didn't) and I even had her bank call and check with me about her accusations (my boss banked with them and I handled his banking so they knew me), I assured them my brother only looked after her best interests and she had dementia.  Would have been scary had I not had connections with them already so that they knew me!

I hope all goes well at his doctor's appt. today.

[Tachi]

Yes pets can be wonderful. Good company. Have to give em a good bellyrub lol. They have such an innocent delight for life. Something we tend to grow out of. 

Last night while having his fudgcicle dad started coughing up clear phlegm. This went on for an hour. Tomorrow we have a docs appt online. They dont want him at his age coming in right now. I did get a callback from an ER doc last night and I think he was mad it wasnt a 'real' emergency. But I was wondering when and if it would stop and what I could do. he guessed a complication of the Parkinsons hence the appt tomorrow and hopefully she orders him to a speech therapist. 

that im considering.....his throat is constricted and needs to be stretched out.....his muscles need therapy so he can learn to swallow again. 

The snot that comes out seems to always be clear so maybe its the thinner liquids like water and that melted fudgcicle. May need to get some thickenit and try that. Will continue the mashed potatoe therapy and make shredded and very soft meats. Need to get some soft fruit like apple sauce and some pudding, maybe some creme corn  or similar.

Todays bomb tho. He told me he couldnt remember if he filed taxes last year, ive been hoarding what ive seen in the mail this year. Talked to a lady in the taxguys office and he didnt file. last taxes was 2017. So we need to do 2018. Mom passed in 2018 so no idea how they handle that. I explained to her how dad didnt probate the will since his name was on everything also. And how last year we did a muniment of title. We couldnt do anything with the deed since mom couldnt sign it. The muniment of Title legally removes her name and you can do a fresh title. 

Im wondering if dad missed anything in 2018 in regards to moms estate. Did he not notify anyone? maybe I need to check.

Good think is that the taxguy can get a poa to request all dads tax records for 2018 and 2019 and file for him. 

When its warm enough please do me a favor, talk a walk in those trees and breath the fresh air for me. Its a warm 84 here today and feels good. Id love to work in the yard but no time. maybe next weekend. 

Take good care

[kayc]

Ahh, we take walks every day and I love the Spring weather that just started.  Can't believe we had snow several times within the week!

I hope there's no problems with the late filing.  

[Tachi]

We have such a deep connection to nature and its such a source of solace and strength. Too many ignore that. It helps bring us out of ourselves, we tend to get too wrapped up in the moment. Always liked how the garden looked different at night than daytime. Showed a different set of colors and textures.

Well, my dad went to bed two hours early. just when i was about to wrapup studying he comes back to the room and asks if im ok, cause he thought he heard me hollering. maybe he heard the neighbors or hes hallucinating. I worry when he just sits in his chair with TV off. But then when i went in to watch a movie with him he was gone and his room is dark. Didnt say goodnight, or that he didnt feel good. maybe he didnt understand what time it was. 

Guess i'll find out tomorrow.

take care

 

[kayc]

Years ago I was doing prison ministry and I wrote about a walk I'd experienced...I walked between 10 and midnight every night with my dog, Lucky.  Many of them wrote back to me and told me it made them experience the walk, they could, see/hear/smell/feel with their senses.

          Tonight is so beautiful…there was a lot of wind today, and the temperature is perfect.  As I walk down my beautiful road of nature, the sky is dark - neither black nor quite blue…just very dark.  There is no moon out, but the stars are sprinkled all across the sky like glittering diamonds, and the dark sky shows them off.  The path is thick with dust from the earlier wind, so the ground is soft, and the air is fresh and it smells like the smell of fresh dirt.  I feel the air whipping around my face, not harsh, just…nice.  I can barely make out the silhouettes of the trees in the darkness.  I walk down a lane bedecked with tall stately trees, and it is like walking through a narrow tunnel, and then I come out to the other side and the sky opens up to beauty and wonder.  The only sounds I hear are the sounds of rushing water, and bullfrogs calling their songs.  Lucky is running back and forth, investigating everything, checking on me, happily whipping her tail at me, saying, “Come on!”, and she nestles her nose against my hand as I walk.  I come to my favorite tree, the one that is tall and stout - it has a story to tell.  It stands alone with its greenery ruggedly uneven.   You can see it has been whipped in life, yet it still stands, a monument to survival.  Where are its companions?  The others are all together, but this one with the interesting shape, it stands aloof…perhaps not intentionally, but there it is, alone.  I find comfort in it, knowing that it is still there.  It holds its branches out to the sky, and you can’t help but admire it.  I walk along, and I see another favorite…two trees entwined so tightly they look like one.  I am reminded of a couple whose hearts beat so closely, you can barely distinguish them as separate.  These two trees speak to me also, of closeness and harmony…and again, I see survival.  I walk along and hear the sounds of Fourth Creek rushing, and I think of the forces that go on, regardless of the season…they have their highs and lows, but they continue.  I hear the wind pick up its song, and it sounds almost as thunderous as the ocean, and for a moment I listen and think of the peace that I always feel when I hear that sound.  Everything seems to come into perspective somehow when you hear that sound.  When I look up at the sky and see the myriads of stars there, knowing that each one represents vastness all in itself, I feel so small…yet not in an insignificant way, but rather I realize the vastness of God, the vastness of His love…that me, so small in the scheme of things, should be important to Him who has so much to concern Himself with!  How quickly these six miles pass!   How blessed I am to live in such a paradise!

[MartyT]

A beautiful piece of writing, dear Kay. I felt as if I was right there with you on that lovely walk, taking it all in. Thank you for sharing it with all of us! ❤️

[enna]

What a beautiful thought, Kay.  Thank you for it.  

Anne

[Tachi]

You captured it so well, just like being there. Thanks indeed for sharing. I could see the opening scene of a movie and the camera is walking slowly as you describe and a voice, say, Katherine Hepburn, reciting your poem.

[Tachi]

Wanted t ask about something you've mentioned before Kay and if you or Marty know a reference I might show would be great. My dad gets mad when i try and help him. he often struggles yet he refuses to admit it. he had told me before that I am just the houseboy and I can stay as long as I do chores etc. But I forget myself because i want a real dad, I dont have one. I want him to allow me to help when he struggles. Tonight he got repeatedly mad at me wanting to help him. I picked up his tshirt which was out of reach and he went off again and I read him the riot act.

So, ive told him before that he has to be safe and I will make sure hes safe because I am legally responsible for his welfare, is this indeed true or do I misunderstand? It is a struggle for him to allow help. Except on this days when hes real bad cause I think he gets scared. 

But he has issues and he struggles at some things. i get that he wants to do everything on his own and 'Ive been doing it for 70 years'. But like it or not the reality is he has issues and limits. Theres taking longer to do things and thats fine. But when he spend 30-40 minutes trying to do something and cant then the reality is he needs some help and get on with his day. 

The past two days have been very difficult and ive done very little not related to him. This morning i heard something and went in and he was awake. half the time he makes no sense. he started describing a party and phone and I have no idea. I dont know if he thought it real or if it was a dream. he was weaker thannormal and i gave him breakfast in his chair. I ran some errands for him and at one point he struggled with his shirt for 40 minutes not getting one button and I did it. How long would he have sat there fumbling. next errand I came home and he was stuck on the toilet cause I had tied knots in his sweatpant legs...but they were untied now...and he couldnt get his feet through. he just jams his feet somewhere in his sweats and sometimes after some time they go thru. I showed him a really easy way that this is done but he has to do it as he always has. 

And i think here is the issue, he doesnt want to admit he needs help cause then he admits hes not like always and he has issues. Instead of just being realistic and recognising that yes sometimes he needs help. Maybe im wrong for feeling empathy for someone who cant button their buttons. Or showing him a really easy way to get his feet through his pantlegs so he can pull his pants up. My fault for forgetting hes a narcissist and not my dad. I was stuid and told him I wanted to helphim when I saw him struggle and he lied to me saying he never struggled. never too late to try and gaslight me eh? hes been in very bad shape the last couple daysand hes needed legit help and ive been there. Ive gottn precious little studying done lately. But tbh if I had a job id move. unfortunately with things as they are I probably couldnt find work so im stuck. But i will endeavor to kill whatever it is in me that wants a dad and that wants to care. i will as long as im here take care of my strict responsibility but no more. 

And this is his game also i think.When he needs help/when I help him...his narcissist inside gets scared. Ive seen it many times, when he doesnt feel in control or dominant he has to lash out. i think thats what tonight is about. he has to push me down and assert that he has no problems. hes dreamin and foolin himself. Sorry to rant but im stuck here with nowhere to go. That he still tries to use me and gaslight me makes me angry and very very sad. I expect tomorrow he will go on and try and control me and I wont allow it. he thinks since he is the dad (whatever) that he can say or do whatever he likes or set whatever rules he has a whim for. So, am going to start packing and may be going to the hotel tomorrow. 

Anywa, take care and again sorry to rant, very upset.

[MartyT]

11 hours ago, Tachi said:

if you or Marty know a reference I might show would be great. My dad gets mad when i try and help him.

Scott, it seems to me that both you and your dad would benefit from having a visit with your dad's primary care physician. You need someone who is objective enough to assess and evaluate your dad's physical and mental health, and to guide you toward whatever resources would be appropriate. You're both in need of and deserving of professional support. The anger and sadness you're feeling in the face of your dad's condition is not good for either one of you. See, for example, Voices of Experience: How to Survive Caring for Aging Parents

You'll find dozens of additional references and resources listed at the base of this post: Caregiving and Grief in Alzheimer's and Dementia  ❤️

[Tachi]

15 minutes ago, MartyT said:

Scott, it seems to me that both you and your dad would benefit from having a visit with your dad's primary care physician. You need someone who is objective enough to assess and evaluate your dad's physical and mental health, and to guide you toward whatever resources would be appropriate. You're both in need of and deserving of professional support. The anger and sadness you're feeling in the face of your dad's condition is not good for either one of you. See, for example, Voices of Experience: How to Survive Caring for Aging Parents

You'll find dozens of additional references and resources listed at the base of this post: Caregiving and Grief in Alzheimer's and Dementia  ❤️

Thx Marty, he is like the article in that when faced with it with is doctor he sweet talks his way out. What frustrates me is that his life could be easier if he would just be a bit realistic. Its not that he refuses help when its critical but things like buttoning buttons for an hour. It still upsets me that he tried to gaslight me again but I wonder is he really trying to gaslight himself? I decided last night that just for me I need to take a step back. If he wants to struggle for an hour with buttons so be it. But i'll make sure the important things like meds get done safely.  Have tried with both his docs and pretty much just ignored. At this point he wouldnt go see anyone else. Because its just me saying he struggles, which he insists he doesnt. I think the change has to be on my end. because he wont. So, I just have to let go a bit and only hang on to the important stuff.

One thing as you know with Narcissists is that they firmly believe they are always right. Ive tried telling him that I do bare responsibility for his wellbeing and he refuses thats true. So, I think if he gets in a situation where hes endangering or not taking care of himself and wont listen to me then we're going to the doctor and if he wont act accordingly after that its social services. But thats last resort. I think I just forget who and what he is and get too close thinking hes a Dad. Going to focus back to my life and will make sure he knows that im here and if he needs help just ask.

Thank you

[MartyT]

I feel so bad for both of you, Scott. Might you consider seeking some outside support for yourself, in the form of meeting with a qualified counselor or caregiver support group? You're working so hard to take care of your dad, while a part of you is thinking "What about me? What about what I need?" You are the son in this situation and your dad is the parent ~ and yet your roles are reversed, such that your dad is child-like in his attitude and behaviors toward you, and you are forced to behave not only as the "good son" but also as the mature adult and even as the responsible, selfless parent. To make matters worse, your dad's personality (and perhaps those conditions related to his aging) are making him difficult if not impossible for you to tolerate with any degree of compassion and understanding. As you say, you forget who and what he is and wish with all your heart that he'd behave as the dad you need and deserve. So I'm asking, Scott: Who is taking care of YOU in this situation? If your "love tank" is running on empty, you'll have nothing left to give, not only to your father, but to yourself as well. Maybe it's time to look for some outside professional support for yourself if not for your dad. ❤️

[kayc]

If you message me your email address, I want to send you an ebook on dealing with dementia patients, which often falls on us kids..  It's simple to understand but very helpful.  My mom was extremely stubborn, proud, controlling and her dementia did not make it any easier!  But entering their world and understanding how to deal with them helps.  Giving them choices.  They are aware in the early stages that something is wrong and FEAR LOSING CONTROL!  They fight back against anyone telling them what to do, often quit going to the doctor or taking Rxs.  It's a challenge.  Sometimes (as in our case) we have to take legal action to force their getting much needed and overdue help.  We also enlisted the help of Adult & Family Services, they were wonderful, almost like a go-between.  My mom saw them as her advocate but in reality they assisted in her best possible outcome.  My mom also had Narcissism, she had most personality disorders, the hardest person I've ever had to deal with, so I can understand where you're coming from.

You might try calling his doctor privately before bringing him in so the doctor can realize what he's dealing with.  My mom was able to snow doctors for years.  Doctors don't live with them or know them as we do.  Plus I think her doctors just wanted her in and out so they didn't have to deal with her.  She was pretty nuts.

 

[Tachi]

27 minutes ago, MartyT said:

I feel so bad for both of you, Scott. Might you consider seeking some outside support for yourself, in the form of meeting with a qualified counselor or caregiver support group? You're working so hard to take care of your dad, while a part of you is thinking "What about me? What about what I need?" You are the son in this situation and your dad is the parent ~ and yet your roles are reversed, such that your dad is child-like in his attitude and behaviors toward you, and you are forced to behave not only as the "good son" but also as the mature adult and even as the responsible, selfless parent. To make matters worse, your dad's personality (and perhaps those conditions related to his aging) are making him difficult if not impossible for you to tolerate with any degree of compassion and understanding. As you say, you forget who and what he is and wish with all your heart that he'd behave as the dad you need and deserve. So I'm asking, Scott: Who is taking care of YOU in this situation? If your "love tank" is running on empty, you'll have nothing left to give, not only to your father, but to yourself as well. Maybe it's time to look for some outside professional support for yourself if not for your dad. ❤️

Yes ma am and thx for the reminder. I had intended to find a support group out here before the bad swing hit. Some things that I realise that I dont like about me, and I got it from him I think. I feel like I need to ride in and save the day. I need to take control and fix things. Esp since this is in a way my dad. But thats the wrong attitude. I have no extra priveledge here. I am just a caretaker. I should not have any vested emotional stake other than this is a human being. Nor should I approach this as 'this is what I think and we should address it this way'. I am a caretaker and tbh on most days hes very managable, its these bad days that get rough. I also need to learn how to better, and im going to say compartmentalise, my emotions and thoughts and actions. And not carry over from caring for this person into my personal time. Judge the proper situation, do whatever action is needed then drop it. When I have my own time it should be clear and not worrying etc.  my big cncern is that at times he may not make a proper decision. That is when i need to step in and discuss that with him. And if that decision of his would put him in danger that is the time to stand firm. NOT gettin frustrated because he refuses help buttoning his shirt or putting pants on. Ive suggested he buy some shorts btw, cooler and easier to get on and off. I had never considered that he probably doesnt notice the passage of time very well. So I may know hes been trying to button that button for 30 minutes but he may think its just been one minute. You cant and probably shouldnt try and convince them their reality perception is false. What I was thinking is just let him go. If he brings it up im going to tell him im here and if he wants help just ask, otherwise i'll watch over the important stuff like meds food and water.

And yes i need to get back to me. Just been a torrent of things for him needing attention. I was good at doing just a few a day but need to go back to that. Need to get back to working out, reading and back to artwork. Thank you for the reminder, and I will start looking for a support group today. 

Thank you again, take care

[Tachi]

43 minutes ago, kayc said:

If you message me your email address, I want to send you an ebook on dealing with dementia patients, which often falls on us kids..  It's simple to understand but very helpful.  My mom was extremely stubborn, proud, controlling and her dementia did not make it any easier!  But entering their world and understanding how to deal with them helps.  Giving them choices.  They are aware in the early stages that something is wrong and FEAR LOSING CONTROL!  They fight back against anyone telling them what to do, often quit going to the doctor or taking Rxs.  It's a challenge.  Sometimes (as in our case) we have to take legal action to force their getting much needed and overdue help.  We also enlisted the help of Adult & Family Services, they were wonderful, almost like a go-between.  My mom saw them as her advocate but in reality they assisted in her best possible outcome.  My mom also had Narcissism, she had most personality disorders, the hardest person I've ever had to deal with, so I can understand where you're coming from.

You might try calling his doctor privately before bringing him in so the doctor can realize what he's dealing with.  My mom was able to snow doctors for years.  Doctors don't live with them or know them as we do.  Plus I think her doctors just wanted her in and out so they didn't have to deal with her.  She was pretty nuts.

 

Done ma am and thank you. 

Yes he snows his docs something terrible. Thats why when i tell them the truth they jus stare at me. I dont care for doctors after what we've been through. I got so frustrated with him. And thats not right It shows me ive been dealing with this the wrong way. I need to step back and take care of the important things, the big picture. If he wants help buttoning his shirt then he can ask. Im sure he is more afraid of losing his power and control and he may see it as an opportunity to gaslight and control me again. Not happenin. he did make me upset which shows me I still have much to learn. I have to be aware and realise whats going on when it starts and take a step back and lose emotion. You have to learn to deal without the emotion. Not only do you make better decisions and behaviours it robs them of their game, their feeding. 

 

Tbh his doctor isnt going to believe a word I say. I did start a log on behaviour but its incomplete. I was hoping that maybe if i could describe dates and behaviours it might carry more weight. But he will deny everything. Honestly, if I still had a career and could afford my own place i would go ahead and move out. Like Marty reminds me, I need to take care of myself, first and foremost actually. I got too close to and tied into the situation. And thats my narcissistic training, thats how he raised me. And maybe thats part of why i got so upset yesterday, he was puling my strings and it scared me and angered me along w/ the frustration. I know ive been deeply programmed but ive also started climbing out. And that is something I need to keep working on. 

I need to remember what my best friend told me early on. You do your best and let it go. Cant make em do anything. unless he becomes unsafe at which point im calling social services. Who he can gaslight lol. 

Thank you my friend, deeply appreciated.

[kayc]

I hear your frustration.  The best way to react is not to.  Enter their world.  Understand that much of this isn't purposeful but his brain is malfunctioning.  If it's hard for you, imagine how scary it is for him!  He's trying his best to hold it together...when it's not possible.  It's my most feared thing.  I'm doing my best to be healthy and stay active mentally and physically in the hopes it makes a difference.  But I remember the mathematical genius who got dementia...so I guess being active mentally isn't enough (they made a movie of his story, which was excellent, "A Beautiful Mind).

[Tachi]

25 minutes ago, kayc said:

I hear your frustration.  The best way to react is not to.  Enter their world.  Understand that much of this isn't purposeful but his brain is malfunctioning.  If it's hard for you, imagine how scary it is for him!  He's trying his best to hold it together...when it's not possible.  It's my most feared thing.  I'm doing my best to be healthy and stay active mentally and physically in the hopes it makes a difference.  But I remember the mathematical genius who got dementia...so I guess being active mentally isn't enough (they made a movie of his story, which was excellent, "A Beautiful Mind).

Yes ma am, my great fear also, cause I will be on my own when dad passes. Ive read a couple things about how as we age we dont use our minds in different ways and it falls into something of a rut. We need to stretch it out and exercise it in different ways. Im waiting to see if this clears in a day or two and I may need to talk to his doc. On his bad days now he hallucinates/lucid dreams and he doesnt understand things. Ive reminded myself you just have to go along unless theyre trying to do something dangerous, like he wants to rewire his bedside lamp. Gee. But thankfully he is ok with me administering his meds.

The pic is of my Moms rosebush The yard hasnt had much attention the past couple years since she passed. ive been slowly cleaning it up. really need to trim this one up but for a scraggly plant it sure flowers like crazy.

take care

 

[Tachi]

Im going to do some reading but heres my main question I guess. I egt it, dont burst their bubble, play along and distract. But what about when they start making things up and blame you? Or when they want to do something they shouldnt do. That one scares me. hes not borrowing my car and not letting him use power tools, he wants to somehow rewire a lamp so the switch is lower on the base. I dont think thats lossible but he doesnt need to be playing with electricity. What if they wont distract?

I came in to watch tv last night and he was snoozing in his chait, TV was off. Theres a light rt above his head and its hot so i turned it off. he then rudely accusses me of turning off tv which he was watching and then he was listening to. I told him I turned the light off. But I think you can tell em whatever you like and they dont even hear it. This is why ive always avoided handling his cash and card, I dont want to be accused when he forgets something or makes a mistake. 

[kayc]

It's hard when you're not only dealing with dementia but also willfulness.  Tell him no.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  He can accuse away, it doesn't change anything.  I'm telling you, I've dealt with this, it's extremely frustrating, I don't think I could have lived with my mom.  It took every cent of her house to pay for her dementia care, but it was necessary to keep her safe.  She's gone to the store in her underwear and a blouse.  She called the fire dept and told them she didn't have heat when we put $450 of our own $ into her furnace just three weeks before...this happened repeatedly!  She'd crank the furnace up in that big old house to the 90s.  She lost so much weight it was no wonder she felt cold.  It may be time to call in the troops.  Tell him it's against the law to rewire his own lamp (it is in Denmark, you have to hire everything done).

 

[Tachi]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

It's hard when you're not only dealing with dementia but also willfulness.  Tell him no.  Repeat.  Repeat.  Repeat.  He can accuse away, it doesn't change anything.  I'm telling you, I've dealt with this, it's extremely frustrating, I don't think I could have lived with my mom.  It took every cent of her house to pay for her dementia care, but it was necessary to keep her safe.  She's gone to the store in her underwear and a blouse.  She called the fire dept and told them she didn't have heat when we put $450 of our own $ into her furnace just three weeks before...this happened repeatedly!  She'd crank the furnace up in that big old house to the 90s.  She lost so much weight it was no wonder she felt cold.  It may be time to call in the troops.  Tell him it's against the law to rewire his own lamp (it is in Denmark, you have to hire everything done).

 

Today is the start of a good period. he was up on time, eyes are clear, he speaks well and makes sense. He is being a grumpy jerk but thats how he is. he is also reading again which is good, he had given up on everything he enjoyed. One of his big things is coming up with secret ways of doing things, ornate shortcuts, just things of his own design. So now he has come up with the perfect breakfast, sigh. The up times are doable. But tbh the last two downtimes were a trial. If that continues or gets worse I cant do it. Sad thing is he, the narcissist, thinks theres nothing wrong with him. If I sat down and told him how its been the last three days he wouldnt believe it and would be greatly offended. hes like a Totalitarian regime. Never say anything contrary to the party line, he is never wrong does nothing bad and he is allowed to say or do whatever he wants. I established some boundaries a year or so ago and I wont accept that junk ever again. Last time I tried to tell him something he didnt want to admit hes just like a toddler and will just keep repeating no its not, forever. 

But what frustrates me the most is me. I should be strong enough inside to keep my core self safe and deal with his bs. But I find im still programmed to an extent and it happens w/out me even realising it, pulling my strings. We should never allow that. Much respect for what you went through. I cant imagine getting a call from the drugstore that my dad is in there only in his adult diapers. 

The good days hes fine, the bad days are starting to concern me. I dont want to move him in these times. for his sake as well as I doubt I could find a job in this economy. Going to see how things go and if the bad days are bad enough will chat with his doc or just social services. i dont know how much experience his doc has with this. But hes very good at lieing to them and playing them.

Thanks my friend, take care