Mom

[kayc]

Thankfully my mom didn't get in diapers until she got into the dementia care facility.  It really was the best place for her, help around the clock, more than one person to help her in/out of bed, in/out of wheelchair.  She was happy with the walker until they took that away (she fell and with Leukemia was covered in bruises), after that she went downhill...that was in October and she died ten months later in August.

16 hours ago, Tachi said:

I cant imagine getting a call from the drugstore that my dad is in there only in his adult diapers. 

I guess nothing surprised me anymore.  I had a chuckle over it but I can't imagine what people must have thought!  Albertson's was so wonderful with her!  They knew she was out of her mind, they treated her with the utmost kindness and patience.  I will forever bless them for it.  I'm so glad she's not trying to live through these times.  But I miss her.  Kind of hard to understand how/why, kind of like missing a toothache, but I do...she was part of me all my life, always there, you know?  Much of the time plaguing me, but once in a while the kinder side would surface for a moment.  It's like that with mental illness it seems.  When you're in the throes of it, it can be aggravating, but you look back and realize they're not responsible for what they say/do.  It's a sickness, like any other except it's invisible and we forget, easy to react to them like they're normal...but they're not.

16 hours ago, Tachi said:

Last time I tried to tell him something he didnt want to admit hes just like a toddler and will just keep repeating no its not, forever. 

Try hard not feeding into it.  Try not to argue.  Lay down the law (no messing with electricity), repeat, repeat, repeat.  But don't argue, he can't understand anyway and he'll always argue back/resist.  He wants to tinker, remove it, "Do you want soup for lunch?"  Demands to have it back.  "Would you like me to turn on the t.v?"  It's hard, yes, it stretches patience.  Like a child, only physically bigger/harder to deal with.  Stretches you to the max.  

Vent here anytime, I understand, been there!

 

[Tachi]

8 hours ago, kayc said:

Thankfully my mom didn't get in diapers until she got into the dementia care facility.  It really was the best place for her, help around the clock, more than one person to help her in/out of bed, in/out of wheelchair.  She was happy with the walker until they took that away (she fell and with Leukemia was covered in bruises), after that she went downhill...that was in October and she died ten months later in August.

I guess nothing surprised me anymore.  I had a chuckle over it but I can't imagine what people must have thought!  Albertson's was so wonderful with her!  They knew she was out of her mind, they treated her with the utmost kindness and patience.  I will forever bless them for it.  I'm so glad she's not trying to live through these times.  But I miss her.  Kind of hard to understand how/why, kind of like missing a toothache, but I do...she was part of me all my life, always there, you know?  Much of the time plaguing me, but once in a while the kinder side would surface for a moment.  It's like that with mental illness it seems.  When you're in the throes of it, it can be aggravating, but you look back and realize they're not responsible for what they say/do.  It's a sickness, like any other except it's invisible and we forget, easy to react to them like they're normal...but they're not.

Try hard not feeding into it.  Try not to argue.  Lay down the law (no messing with electricity), repeat, repeat, repeat.  But don't argue, he can't understand anyway and he'll always argue back/resist.  He wants to tinker, remove it, "Do you want soup for lunch?"  Demands to have it back.  "Would you like me to turn on the t.v?"  It's hard, yes, it stretches patience.  Like a child, only physically bigger/harder to deal with.  Stretches you to the max.  

Vent here anytime, I understand, been there!

 

I can understand. For all the things the narcissist did to me and sometimes tries to, I still care. I want to care but I have to learn to do it reservedly and understanding and do so more as for a patient than family. Kinda like dancing with the devil. When I do something from kindness he thinks its weakness. he created my anxiety and knows how to play it. And thats where stepping back is needed. I think thats where I want to have control, to help and stay safe. many of his ideas and the way he is are not good. Unless hes hurt bad he wont let on. I think hed rather chew off his arm than admit its busted. 

I wonder sometimes if perhaps medicine  has forgotten half the equation. It seems they work at prolonging life but not quality of life. I think that your Mom, despite it all was a part of you. Past the surface and deep down where misbehaviour doesnt matter theres always a connection. I know that must have all been tough, but you did well. 

Hard to remember at times theyre ill. When they try so hard to pretend nothing is wrong. I have a hard time knowing what is his personality, what is the narc and what is the dementia etc. Guess it all blends together. His problem is he thinks he is god. There isnt a point where he can be 'told' because he will as you say fight just to fight. It has to be 'his' way. 

But yes there are some moments like this morning when hes almost normal. Almost . I have seen him mismanage his pills a couple times. So I got a pillminder that he cant understand so I told him I would bring them to him. But for some reason this morning he took a few days worth of 4 meds inc his BP and Parkinsons pills. I expalined it to him and he agreed that he would take nothing unless I give it to him. If that doesnt work then I will keep it in my room. The good thing is that he thinks of himself as lord of the manor and I the servant, so at times thats an advantage for taking control. 

I saw a video from a lady that Marty recommended and she was talking about what happens to the brain in dementia. Presented that way, seeing the visual really hits home. 

Hope you have a good day. It will be sunny and lower 80s here. I'll be trying to study.

edit: its difficult when I see his decision will not have a good outcome. he makes decisiosn mostly thinking he hasnt changed. Even in growing older. he would have oatmeal every morning and then he was getting slight bowel upset alot so he quit his oatmeal. He wanted an egg sandwich each day with bacon and a pastry. Just me but I can no longer stomach eggs and rarely fry anything. he also likes plain tea but leaves the teabag in so no telling how strong it gets. Imho he should ditch the eggs and maybetry some waffles or biscuits and some fruit. Eggs esp with the frying isnt good for his stomach, nor is strong tea. But whatever I suggest he wont do. he just told me he was sitting in his chair and was feeling like throwing up but wouldnt be able to reach the bathroom. I suggested his trash can and got him some towels at his suggestion. he says hes not naseaous anymore but still wanted the towels draped on him. I never know when he tells the truth about how he feels or if he really sick or hurt and just hiding it. Its almost like hes afraid of showing any weakness, like hes the head of a pack of wild dogs or something. If he shows even the smallest weakness the pack tear him apart. Ive picked him up off the floor and kept him safe on his bad days, got him in and out of the wheelchair and the toilet. If I havent staged the revolution by now then its not coming. 

take care

 

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Tachi said:

When I do something from kindness he thinks its weakness.

It doesn't matter his opinion, it's already been shown to be distorted.  What matters is being true to yourself.  That involves treating him with kindness and patience but also standing your ground.  Forgiving.  Again and again and again.  And when you feel you're in over your head and it's too much, get the much needed help.  You do not need his permission to contact Adult and Family Services.  Introduce them as an advocate for him.  That's what they are, but they also recognize dementia, and self-destructive behavior and aim to protect him from himself when necessary.  It may be needed as you can't get much needed sleep and watch him so he doesn't turn on burners or other safety issues.  My friend Virginia was doing that and that's when her husband had to have her put into a center where they had staff around the clock.  She could have burned the house down, her mind was not functioning correctly, they don't know what they're doing when they get to that point.  My mom, I shudder to think about what COULD have happened while we were trying to go the legal route to force her a medical evaluation.  IT TOOK A FULL YEAR!!!  Meanwhile, she's doing crazy things.  Before she got so bad she had told me about a mouse in her house and I told her I'd bring D-Con when I came down, and she said, "Oh no, don't do that!"  I asked why and she said, "Because I might eat it!"  That was when I knew she realized something was wrong with her brain...there was no going back, only recognizing she was no longer responsible for what she did.  That was scary.  I remember when Virginia realized it too.  Then they get past that point where they don't realize anything anymore.  When they first know something is going wrong is in the early stage.  Can progress slowly or quickly.  We don't know how long my mom's dementia took to progress because she was mentally off all her life so it kind of disguised it.  If she'd been normal we could have recognized it sooner.

19 hours ago, Tachi said:

fight just to fight. It has to be 'his' way. 

My mom always was a controlling person.  But when she feared her brain not working right to where she couldn't trust it, she fought hard to protect her secret.  Stopped going to the doctor.  Wouldn't let us into her house anymore.  She was extremely paranoid, but then always had been, it distorted her views.  She felt everyone was out to get her.  I can't imagine living like that.  How horrible it must have been to BE her!  We all realized how hard it was to be her child, to grow up with her, but as bad as it was, it brings me pity for her to think how hard it was for HER!  She was out of control with no tools to deal with it.  In her day, you didn't get help.  They didn't read self-help books.  Didn't come clean with their doctors.  They suffered within the confines of their own existence...alone.  She became a Christian in her 50s but she seemed to talk AT God more than listening.  And a lot of it was inconsistent.  She used God to purport what SHE wanted rather than submitting to Him.  But then He had to know how sick she was and I'm sure He took that into consideration rather than just judging her based on her actions...He knew her limitations, her mental state.  All I know is, the next time I see her, she will be "made right" and the person she was created to be, without all of these personality disorders and mental problems.  I'm sorry for her, her psyche must have been fragmented by something as a child.  My aunt says she was always like that, even as a little girl.  Add her natural temper and it was a huge problem!

I read about what you go through and can't imagine how difficult to live with this day in and day out.  When my mom was at the height of her dementia I was still working full time, commuting 100 miles/day, then on top of it, another 30 miles to see her.  Long days.  Sometimes shoveling snow at 3 am so I could make it to work by 8.  Life was hard and just trying to survive.  But I could at least sleep at night, although way too short.  I honestly don't see how you do it.  I guess it's amazing what we can do in survival mode.

 

[Tachi]

11 hours ago, kayc said:

It doesn't matter his opinion, it's already been shown to be distorted.  What matters is being true to yourself.  That involves treating him with kindness and patience but also standing your ground.  Forgiving.  Again and again and again.  And when you feel you're in over your head and it's too much, get the much needed help.  You do not need his permission to contact Adult and Family Services.  Introduce them as an advocate for him.  That's what they are, but they also recognize dementia, and self-destructive behavior and aim to protect him from himself when necessary.  It may be needed as you can't get much needed sleep and watch him so he doesn't turn on burners or other safety issues.  My friend Virginia was doing that and that's when her husband had to have her put into a center where they had staff around the clock.  She could have burned the house down, her mind was not functioning correctly, they don't know what they're doing when they get to that point.  My mom, I shudder to think about what COULD have happened while we were trying to go the legal route to force her a medical evaluation.  IT TOOK A FULL YEAR!!!  Meanwhile, she's doing crazy things.  Before she got so bad she had told me about a mouse in her house and I told her I'd bring D-Con when I came down, and she said, "Oh no, don't do that!"  I asked why and she said, "Because I might eat it!"  That was when I knew she realized something was wrong with her brain...there was no going back, only recognizing she was no longer responsible for what she did.  That was scary.  I remember when Virginia realized it too.  Then they get past that point where they don't realize anything anymore.  When they first know something is going wrong is in the early stage.  Can progress slowly or quickly.  We don't know how long my mom's dementia took to progress because she was mentally off all her life so it kind of disguised it.  If she'd been normal we could have recognized it sooner.

My mom always was a controlling person.  But when she feared her brain not working right to where she couldn't trust it, she fought hard to protect her secret.  Stopped going to the doctor.  Wouldn't let us into her house anymore.  She was extremely paranoid, but then always had been, it distorted her views.  She felt everyone was out to get her.  I can't imagine living like that.  How horrible it must have been to BE her!  We all realized how hard it was to be her child, to grow up with her, but as bad as it was, it brings me pity for her to think how hard it was for HER!  She was out of control with no tools to deal with it.  In her day, you didn't get help.  They didn't read self-help books.  Didn't come clean with their doctors.  They suffered within the confines of their own existence...alone.  She became a Christian in her 50s but she seemed to talk AT God more than listening.  And a lot of it was inconsistent.  She used God to purport what SHE wanted rather than submitting to Him.  But then He had to know how sick she was and I'm sure He took that into consideration rather than just judging her based on her actions...He knew her limitations, her mental state.  All I know is, the next time I see her, she will be "made right" and the person she was created to be, without all of these personality disorders and mental problems.  I'm sorry for her, her psyche must have been fragmented by something as a child.  My aunt says she was always like that, even as a little girl.  Add her natural temper and it was a huge problem!

I read about what you go through and can't imagine how difficult to live with this day in and day out.  When my mom was at the height of her dementia I was still working full time, commuting 100 miles/day, then on top of it, another 30 miles to see her.  Long days.  Sometimes shoveling snow at 3 am so I could make it to work by 8.  Life was hard and just trying to survive.  But I could at least sleep at night, although way too short.  I honestly don't see how you do it.  I guess it's amazing what we can do in survival mode.

 

My direction ever since I found out what he is, is that he doesnt make any decisions for me and doesnt tell me what to do. I do, and it will be based on my judgment and what i think is right. As far as his care as im changing my views...I will see that the major stuff is secured, like his meds and food and water and more but you get the idea. he seems to really need to feel he is in control of his life, but whether he likes it or not I will see to it that he is safe. If he wants to button buttons all day so be it. very sadly he still plays the little narcissistic games here and there. Not playin anymore. he did find a dig into me by appealing to me wanting to help him. Other than safety I help him only when asked and only for what he asks. If theres something unsafe I will fix it. 

he doesnt always make the best decisions or do the best things. But I think sometimes hes trying to spark emotion from me. 

Yes you're right and Im seeing some and understanding more. I messed up and got too close and wanted to do everything and help, cant do that. Number 1 is taking care of me. My brother I think expects me to me the good little puppy and forget my life and just serve dad all day then follow his will on the estate one day. he has a rude awakening coming because he has no idea that ive known who and what he is as well.

yes ma am, when its too much I will talk to them. I have been trying to be respectfull and keep my dad aware of the things I do for him, esp since I have no legal power w/out his sayso and even then its tenous. But for matters like that I agree, it is my responsibiulity and my right. His common thread through all this isnt seeing clearly but just in not acknowledging theres anything wrong. Last night he had trouble standing up from his chair to go to bed. i asked if he wanted a boost and he refused. So I kinda chuckled and remarked it wouldnt be good to sleep in his chair, and he says he could always crawl to bed...and he was serious. Then he made it up and made a sarcastic remark and trhats the only time ive seen him smile in months. like he beat me or showed me up for some reason. I just kind of shrugged. Dont know why he would ever see this as a competition. 

But this morning he was too weak to push his walker, so i convinced him to get in his wheelchair and he plopped into his TV chair and now feels better. When hes stuck hes desperate for help and its 'where were you?'...then he feels better and its 'how dare you try and help me, go away'. So I will help if asked. 

Reading what you say about your Mom and hiding it. maybe thats what my dad is doing. he was taught not to accept theres anything wrong w/ him, not to ask for help...cause theres nothing wrong. I watched a video on narcissism last night and they covered the points from the medical guyidelines as for what makes a narc..and darned if my Dad didnt nail about every single one. But if you just knew his outside he'd fool ya. 

But my big revelation this week is to back off and disengage, help when asked but otherwise let him be. And to not be emotionally engaged or involved. There is a technique called Grey Rock method. Narcs thrive on emotion and reaction and if you do they will keep going and try again, and you get deeper and deeper and more upset. This method is stoic and just teaches to be like a rock and dont give them anythuing to feed on. have known this just hard to do sometimes, but this also I reaffirm to be perfect at. My life depends on it. 

I dont know if I was working if that would be worse or a break lol. But yes you were superwoman thru all that. My dad doesnt believe in God. His sister one time tried to talk to him about it and later dad told me and laughed at her. I just stared at him like he was an idiot. most people think man created god. While in truth God created Man. Told him to gather in Church and worship and suport each other, which man messed up to an extent. But tbh I think my dad sees himself as god. he thinks he knows all and whatever he says is gospel. So dont ever contradict him. The ways I describe him is as he has always been to my memory. Some of his actions make clear sense now I know what he is.

And this is what I fear. I fear to see how the next downswing goes. The last two have been real difficult so if hes progressed that badly then I will need some help. The good days other than him being a jerk are fine. but the downtimes here lately are a circus. But I really dont want to see him go into a home. Goodness, i dont know how id explain to him getting someone to evalluate him or come help with him, lol. 

Did your Mom have a sense of humor? I meant to ask before. Thats one thing I noticed after his stroke, and there wasnt much of one before. But after his stroke up to now, no sense of humor, never smiles, looks in judgement upon all. Always finds it wanting. really creepy. 

My best time is after the nightly news, he goes to sleep and I get a couple hours for me. 

I consider at times how God must see my dad. But I cant because I have such a hard time seeing the good in him anymore and God sees him as his child and is a loving Father. My dad as far as I know isnt saved and never would be. he remarked one time about Christians' behaviour and I explained to him about God created Man, and that they still have their freedom so they can still sin. And some other things. he just kinda stared at me then changed the subject. I know Mom is in Heaven. She had a sould akin to mother Teresa. hah, here I am preachin. 

Going to take it day by day and focus on what i need to do. Will do my best for my dad, whatever that entails. maybe I just needed to regain my focus here. Thankyou for helping do that. 

Need to ask a question. Dads floorlamp broke. At first he didnt want another. then he tells my bro he wants another. So me being entirely stupid start showing him lamps on amazon. He is utterly incapable of making a decision. and I know tghis is his conditions. I show and I ask and he says nothing. When he does say an opinion all of it conflicts. I know he needs one to read by. Noramlly id ask questions to narrow itr down, but its not helping. Any ideas on how to make this work? Thx

[Tachi]

Tell ya what and I apologise for posting again. he has such trouble getting up to his walker, he teeters and fals back into his chair. he makes it upright but cant make the transition and hes about to lose balance. I went over to steady him and he gets mad at me and doesnt want help. If a nurse were there theyd be all over his attitude and theyd be helping him. I gently placed my hand on his back and that was enough to help. When I removed the pressure he was swaying back. I will try and talk to his doctor tomorrow and if she cant find the time look into social services. Im not asking him to allow being carried or babied. but there is a right way to do things to be safe and its not him teetring trying to keep his balance. Maybe im an idiot for trying to help. But I cant help but think a nurse would be doing what im doing. My only alternative is to just walk away when he tries to get up. I cant help but also conclude that he hates me, and if its true that he refuses help because its me then I need to leave. I'm just fed up with us not taking the basic common sense precautions that are standard. And i dont understand.

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Tachi said:

But if you just knew his outside he'd fool ya.

They can be masters at that.  From what I've learned, Narcissists don't love, they imitate.  It's sad, really.  My last "husband" was a Narcissist.  When he was three his dad (a Portland Police Officer) put a gun to his head to get his mom to do what he wanted).  I believe that did something to him, but there was much else in his upbringing that was horribly wrong starting at birth.  I can't even call him a husband, he was a con that stuck me with his bills and never lived with me, never loved me, he only used me for what he could and discarded me when done.  I called it done and divorced him...at that time he was living in our new motor home with his GF, she was 16 years younger than me.  He never married her but she died after two years and he never paid to get her ashes.  With a Narcissist, what is on their agenda is what is important to them.

14 hours ago, Tachi said:

have known this just hard to do sometimes

That's because we're not wired the way they are.  We have emotion, normal responses, it goes against our grain and we have to work at not reacting.  My son is one of those people that is very calm, deliberate in his actions, thinks before he speaks, amazing at it, great self-control.  We called him Spock when he was little or Little Man, he acted grown up when he was two.  His wife and daughter have extreme out of control emotional displays so his personality has been great at dealing with that but even so he admits it's hard sometimes.  His daughter is five next month, she can have meltdowns like my kids never had.  And I've witnessed his wife's outbursts too.  I pity him but he's handling it as well as he can.  It's too bad we end up with people testing us but maybe that's part of the sanding we get to hone our skills.

14 hours ago, Tachi said:

But tbh I think my dad sees himself as god.

Yes, I can see (XH) John thinking that too, he fooled me before we were married, told me he believed.  Six months later told me he didn't and when he made than determination (years before, so he obviously lied) wish I'd known sooner so I could have annulled it.  (I don't believe in marrying outside of my faith as it pulls in opposite directions, hard to be a team.)  He laughed when he deceived people, saw them as weak and at fault for falling prey to him.

My mom was not born with a sense of humor.  My dad was known for his sense of humor and we all got ours from him.  In living with him she developed a little bit of one over the years.  She would try to make a funny and be so tickled with herself!  It's a good memory...

You know, living with someone with Dementia and Narcissism, it's a lose/lose situation.  In other words, you can't please him.  You can try until the cows come home but he's not going to give you positive accolades.  You try to get his preference, he doesn't give it to you.  I'd buy the lamp, he can use it...or not.  Up to him.  How bad does he want to read?  But I'd get rid of the old one before he tries working on it since that could prove dangerous.  What can he do?  Bellyache.  Let it go, again, like dross to the wind.

You have given him salvation's plan.  That seed was planted inside of him.  Now it is there as a tool that he can use if he ever chooses to utilize it, same with my XH.  We can't force people to accept God, they have free will, as you mentioned, as much as we don't want to see them lose out, that is between them and God.  We can pray for them, and hopefully on their deathbed if not before, the thought will enter their brain and they'll make that decision.  My dad was one of those.  Three days before he died, he was in the hospital on his deathbed.  No idea how many people make that decision when facing eternity, it's sad they miss having that Helper during their lifetime, but at least they did at the end.  One can always hope.

I'm not sure that a Narcissist hates...hate is like the flip side of love, not sure you can have the passion for hate w/o love & hurt.  He reacts because that's his response.  Not sure he'd be docile and compliant with a nurse or aide.  Doesn't seem in his nature.  My mom gave some fits to the dementia care place too until she was stage IV, she was too far gone for that then.  She changed between medications and getting beyond knowing anything.  She actually displayed appreciation in the end times of her life, first time ever.  I never was able to please her, whatever I bought her she'd dis.  If she liked it, she'd attribute it to my older sister getting it for her.  I took that as a compliment and let it go.

8 hours ago, Tachi said:

i dont understand.

Not sure that we can.  It all feels so foreign and alien to us.  My mom was the most challenging person I ever met and wouldn't you know that's who I'd get for a mother!  Spent my life dealing with her.  But it's not 100% bad either, I look at what all I've learned from what I've been through, I guess you can view that as a gift, although it seems anything but at the time.

I know it's a struggle, hang in there, hold onto your sanity, it feels like it'll fly away like a hat in the wind sometimes, so hold on!

 

 

 

 

[Tachi]

Hope you're getting some decent weather. Our garden has really been growing. Too bad I dont have more time to go play. Need to run get a couple vining flowers like Honeysuckle or jasmine. 

That I learn, and its ongoing education. the kind you know but can only learn by doing. Grey stone method. Also known as Stoic method. Do not engage emotionally. Can be used both with the narcissist and with the struggles of caregiver. Its going to just get worse. You cant win in that there is no cure. They are falling towards their death. Sometimes slow and sometimes faster. You cannot invest too deeply of yourself or you will be pulled in and fall yourself. So you must learn to step back and make good nonemotional decisions.

You must make time each day just for you. learn to separate that time from care time and dont let the struggles and frustrations bleed over and ruin your own time. there will be a life after this and you cant be a basket case when that comes. Understand the final outcome is tragic no matter what you do, enable the journey. 

Beware giving open choices. instead offer two alternatives. Or if you know what they like go with that. Chances are they will be happy and not even notice. 

This last downtime, less than a week ago he couldnt get out of his chair. Ive learned to not try and force but to watch, lightly assist and when hes had enough, like this, i get the wheelchair and help him to bed. That way hes tried valiantly but he makes it to bed. For a couple days about all he did was sleep. today he was in his chair after brunch sleeping, I woke him up to ask some questions and offered to find a movie for him and he at least watched TV this afternoon. he says hes tired and bored and hes also depressed so he just sits and sleeps. But maybe if I offer to get him started on something he will stay awake and be somewhat engaged. On the one hand hes bored but on the other he isnt interested in anything. And with this virus hes stuck at home. he misses people.

Ok, wondering how the puppy is doing? Must be heaven with all those trees

Take good care of yourself.

 

 

[kayc]

It is beautiful this time of year...except the tree pollen is horrendous this year, many of us suffering with allergies...throw in the pandemic, you do NOT want to sneeze around people!  You're afraid they'll burn you at the stake and give you their most glaring looks!  

Kodie keeps my sanity.  He gives me someone to interact with and love.  And DEFINITELY keeps me busy!  It's like having a baby/toddler in the house!  Up to, into things all the time, requires constant watching, always learning (both of us).  I don't know what I'd do without him.

It got to 86 yesterday, was 30 just a nights ago, the swings make it hard to adjust.  Will be 80s through Sunday then back to 50s, crazy!  Supposed to have thunder and rain Sunday along with the heat so will be humid.

I'm glad you're going to get some trailing vines, honeysuckle is one of my favorite scents, always has been.  Right now my lilacs are in bloom, they fragrant the yard!  And for the first time I'm getting wild strawberries in my grass, will let them grow, maybe I'll get enough to bake something with them.  The best pie I ever made was a Wild Strawberry Pie!  My kids were little, I was babysitting, I told them "If you get enough to make a pie, I will bake it for you."  They did.  My kids still remember that, it has a flavor like none other!

On 5/7/2020 at 4:45 PM, Tachi said:

he misses people.

Don't we all!  This is hard for folks who don't understand, so many can't get visits in nursing homes, assisted living, hospitals. 

 

 

[Tachi]

16 hours ago, kayc said:

It is beautiful this time of year...except the tree pollen is horrendous this year, many of us suffering with allergies...throw in the pandemic, you do NOT want to sneeze around people!  You're afraid they'll burn you at the stake and give you their most glaring looks!  

Kodie keeps my sanity.  He gives me someone to interact with and love.  And DEFINITELY keeps me busy!  It's like having a baby/toddler in the house!  Up to, into things all the time, requires constant watching, always learning (both of us).  I don't know what I'd do without him.

It got to 86 yesterday, was 30 just a nights ago, the swings make it hard to adjust.  Will be 80s through Sunday then back to 50s, crazy!  Supposed to have thunder and rain Sunday along with the heat so will be humid.

I'm glad you're going to get some trailing vines, honeysuckle is one of my favorite scents, always has been.  Right now my lilacs are in bloom, they fragrant the yard!  And for the first time I'm getting wild strawberries in my grass, will let them grow, maybe I'll get enough to bake something with them.  The best pie I ever made was a Wild Strawberry Pie!  My kids were little, I was babysitting, I told them "If you get enough to make a pie, I will bake it for you."  They did.  My kids still remember that, it has a flavor like none other!

Don't we all!  This is hard for folks who don't understand, so many can't get visits in nursing homes, assisted living, hospitals. 

 

 

We used to spend summers in Arkansas with relatives when i was a kid. the pine forests there were amazing. I cant imagine the wonderfull walks you must have. I think I would be tempted to just sit outside and dream.

Lol, i try so hard when im in public not to clear my throat, and I have chronic bronchitis. i guess im crazy because im used to not going anywhere and im fine with it. Its the big temp swings that get to people I think. Its like when you forget and sleep with a window open and get sick. We used to get that in west Texas at times. just dont get sick, they say lots of Vit-D and C. 

Kodie sounds like a sweetheart. Theres nothing like that innocence to remind us of who we are. its like a breath of fresh air for our hearts. We just have some lizards and a neighbors cat who visits once a few weeks. Thats all our excitement. other than the neighbor out back who has his granddaughter over and they play Pirates, funny as can be . 

I treasure our rain. Seldom get it but theres something about the smell and feel of the air when we get cool and it rains. It feels like longlost home. I consider that one day i will have no attachments here but in reality theres no other place to go. 

At my old house I had a side door. Planted a honeysuckle and a jasmine and they grew together for a couple years. the scent went all thru the apt. I just like to let things grow. the more natural looking the better. 

Ah, that pie sounds like heaven. those are the things that are special in life, that you never forget. My mom got arthritis in her hands so she had to give up many things like her painting and alot of baking. My cousin came up with her husband to visit and he tried talking his way into Mom making him a pecan pie, jerk. he didnt know it but he did well to leave with his tongue attached lol. he was a deadbeat anyway and my cousin divorced him a few years later. Lol, my mom was a good cook and baker. her cookbook was a Presbyterian one the family had for decades. Grandma gave it to her. many handwritten recipes in it. A cousin from Cali had wanted it and since no one else did I worked a deal with dad that allowed me to send it to her. She sent me one or two real nice emails at that time acting like she wanted to be in touch with family. I havent heard from her since. So she got what she wanted and doesnt need me aftwards. made me very sad. I had wanted to get in touch with that side of the family. But i guess they arent family after all. 

Too bad you cant teach Kodie to gather wild strawberries for ya. have fun and take good care of you and Kodie.

[kayc]

This morning I took Kodie out to do his business and discovered the lawn guy weed-whacked my new little cedar tree like it was nothing.  Nothing left in it's place.  I even had a stick marking it so no one would step on it, whacked it up too!  I'm just sick.  I know, no one but me would be upset over a little tree's life being cut short.  It lived through a humongous storm, just to have it's life snuffed out in the end. 

I remember your sending the cookbook, I'm sorry she took advantage under false pretenses.  I wish you'd kept it for yourself instead.  So sad!  But like me, you have your mom stored in your heart where no one can rip away the memories, even if all physical reminders are gone!

If only Kodie could gather the wild strawberries, but like a previous dog I had, Fluffy, he'd eat them all!   He's quite the little munchkin, he loves all foods!  He'll even eat Kale if it's cooked. 

This morning, 6:30 am, we saw a mobile home being hauled down the street, Kodie was fascinated.  You wonder what's going through his mind, if he wonders if ours is next!

I hope your Mother's Day is filled with treasures of the heart and good memories surface...

 

[Tachi]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

This morning I took Kodie out to do his business and discovered the lawn guy weed-whacked my new little cedar tree like it was nothing.  Nothing left in it's place.  I even had a stick marking it so no one would step on it, whacked it up too!  I'm just sick.  I know, no one but me would be upset over a little tree's life being cut short.  It lived through a humongous storm, just to have it's life snuffed out in the end. 

I remember your sending the cookbook, I'm sorry she took advantage under false pretenses.  I wish you'd kept it for yourself instead.  So sad!  But like me, you have your mom stored in your heart where no one can rip away the memories, even if all physical reminders are gone!

If only Kodie could gather the wild strawberries, but like a previous dog I had, Fluffy, he'd eat them all!   He's quite the little munchkin, he loves all foods!  He'll even eat Kale if it's cooked. 

This morning, 6:30 am, we saw a mobile home being hauled down the street, Kodie was fascinated.  You wonder what's going through his mind, if he wonders if ours is next!

I hope your Mother's Day is filled with treasures of the heart and good memories surface...

 

Happy Mother's day! Hope you have a nice one. I have so many good memories of my Mom. She was like the part of life that was always loving and safe. She never judged but always accepted. The good things about my artwork i have her to thank. Still have the painting she did for me long ago when the arthritis forced her to stop painting. The ladies in the family were always so nice. Grandma on my dads side lived in the same house in a small town in Ohio. I remember sitting on the porch as a kid and we could see downtown a couple blocks away. 

Kodie sounds like a true hero. Just be glad he wont be asking for the keys to the car, probably. Good to have a true heart like that around. Reminds you of whats important in life. yes, i have often wondered too what animals think. Do they feel something special, is it their natural curiosity? like when cats stare at the full moon. guess we'll never know. But maybe theres more there than what we give them credit for. 

Unfortunately that was the last family i'm willing to reach out to. She was saying if I was ever up that way, and when they come down next year etc. nah, I dont think so. I dont have family. Would be nice to have what the dream says but Life turns out to be nothing like the dream, like what it should be. Thats what it is tho, have to find what joy we can find. I keep saying im doing some artwork but things always happen. worked for a few hours the other night and it crashed lol. 

Anyway, take care of yourself and lil Kodie

[kayc]

Discovered he got my DF tree too, it was about 14" high, the Cedar maybe 8". 

Unfortunately it was the worst Mother's Day I remember.  Didn't hear from my kids until bedtime, so was up three hours later than usual, didn't sleep much last night.  It's going to be a long day.  Might get a thunder storm, hope so!  I love them!  Just hope not when I'm out walking the dogs!

I understand (family), keep your heart open, maybe someday you will find someone who will be family to you, maybe share theirs.  You never know.  I thought about you missing your mom yesterday...so many are.  Even me, even with all the struggles she gave us.

Had "drive in church" yesterday, the sermon and song special were really good, just wish I could have talked to the people!  These people are family to me and I miss them so much!  Life without people in it doesn't seem of much value.  I like solitude but this is carrying it to a new extreme!  A bit much.  I thank God for little Kodie.  He's the sweetest most loving little dog!  If I have to be holed up, I'm glad it's with him!

I hope you have a good day today and your father's middle name is Cooperative today!

I don't care for still shots of Kodie as well as videos but I'm not good at it...it's his personality that I adore!  Watching him run with ears back (we call them happy ears!) tail curled up, constant movement, happy to see anyone/everyone!

 

[MartyT]

Still pictures are better than none, Kay ~ What a cutie your Kodie is! ❤️

[kayc]

But you don't get the essence of him in a still picture, he is constant motion until he drops over, asleep!

[MartyT]

Like any mom with a new baby, Kay, I hope you take your naps at the same time Kodie does! ❤️

[kayc]

I don't nap but I do kennel him at night.  He has yet to have ever once peeped or kept me awake at night!  So although he wears me out in the daytime, I can handle it as long as I get my sleep!  

[Tachi]

On 5/11/2020 at 7:42 AM, kayc said:

Discovered he got my DF tree too, it was about 14" high, the Cedar maybe 8". 

Unfortunately it was the worst Mother's Day I remember.  Didn't hear from my kids until bedtime, so was up three hours later than usual, didn't sleep much last night.  It's going to be a long day.  Might get a thunder storm, hope so!  I love them!  Just hope not when I'm out walking the dogs!

I understand (family), keep your heart open, maybe someday you will find someone who will be family to you, maybe share theirs.  You never know.  I thought about you missing your mom yesterday...so many are.  Even me, even with all the struggles she gave us.

Had "drive in church" yesterday, the sermon and song special were really good, just wish I could have talked to the people!  These people are family to me and I miss them so much!  Life without people in it doesn't seem of much value.  I like solitude but this is carrying it to a new extreme!  A bit much.  I thank God for little Kodie.  He's the sweetest most loving little dog!  If I have to be holed up, I'm glad it's with him!

I hope you have a good day today and your father's middle name is Cooperative today!

I don't care for still shots of Kodie as well as videos but I'm not good at it...it's his personality that I adore!  Watching him run with ears back (we call them happy ears!) tail curled up, constant movement, happy to see anyone/everyone!

What a cutie Kodie is....saw this toy and thought it was fun https://ciderblitz.com/products/tug-o-war-chew-toy?variant=31321891995750&utm_medium=cpc&utm_source=google&utm_campaign=Google Shopping&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI2L7pof-v6QIV1uDICh0wzg42EAQYASABEgIQmvD_BwE

sounds like good company. He needs some Scooby Snax

I guess im a bad person because the ringer on my phone is off most of the time. Almost all the calls i get though are spam with some medical concerning dad. Ive tried getting all his doctors to call me since if he does hear it and pick up he probably wont hear it or understand it. 

Hopefully you can catch up on sleep. very important thing sleep. In researching thing related to Dad ive found many interesting things. 

We were supposed to get rain earlier today but it went around. When it rains it lets me slip out of this world for a time and do some creating. We never get enough of it. 

Once upon a time i thought this was the perfect family. oh well. At least I had a wonderful Mother. Today is dad's 7th good day in a row, so he is due probably tonight or tomorrow night to get little sleep and start a run of 2-3 bad days. Anyway, I dont know what to call myself. I say realist but thats not it. I just think that worrying is a waste and even tho i may fear what tomorrow brings tonight all is quiet and well. So may as well enjoy what time I have. At this point I consider that I dont have family. It would be nice to have the fairytale but that didnt happen so will go with what we have. I also dont see getting married again ever. But you never know what life will bring. I do enjoy talking with people so maybe my next job I will be facing the public again. 

It saddens me very much to see the things going on. It used to be we would joke about the very things that are happening and they were conspiracy theories. Now its happening. never in a million years would i have believed it. Drivein Church will have to do for awhile I suppose but we must never lose our right to worship. I figure if you distance and all that then there is no reason not to. 

Take good care of yourself, and Kodie. Enjoy the rain.

[kayc]

I guess it's back to online church the next two weeks as it's raining every day.  The state may open up here to 25 but we need more than that to have church.

I didn't have a Beaver Cleaver family either.  At least you had a good mom.  My mom was good at some things, like teaching us to sew, she was good at landscaping, a hard worker, life was structured, every Saturday she did the laundry, we all ironed our own clothes and made them ourselves when we reached about 12.  But she didn't afford privacy, we couldn't talk to her about anything, she had a horrid temper and was nuts.  My dad was sweet but an alcoholic, he was very weak, never stood up for us kids even when she was beating on us.  I'm glad you had a good mom.  Every child deserves good parents, I feel mine failed.  But everything I've been through has shaped and molded who I am and how I respond and choose to be, including my being a mother.  

Yeah it's true, never say never.  My friend Beth married at 84 and was the happiest she'd ever been.  Her husband took care of her when she got cancer.  Then he got it and his kids took care of him.  At least they had bliss for a while.

[kayc]

I bought the tug-O-war toy, hope he plays with it at $26!

[Tachi]

2 hours ago, kayc said:

I bought the tug-O-war toy, hope he plays with it at $26!

Let me know, hope he likes it. hopefully keep him occupied here and there. Ive even seen people do something like that in the backyard . they run a clothesline and attach the toy on a rope so the dog can run it up and down the line. Whoever came up with that had a good idea. 

frustrated with dads Pharmacy. he has 4 meds he takes and some that are old, still in their system and they still fill. So i made a list of what to keep filling and asked them to delete the rest, i explained and they said they understood. They deleted all of em. I made another list and I explained again to plz call the doc and get these scripts filling again. They said they understood. Checked today and they had done 1. Two will run out next week, BP and Sleep and both are critical. So I explained again and gave them a list to call his doctor and setup again. Tbh I dont understand why they dont get it. I think I may run over to the docs on friday and see if I can talk to someone and make sure it gets done. 

Honestly, you have turned out such a good person, I cant imagine what you grew up with. Guess it just goes to show there is no fairy tale youth. I was very very blessed with Mom. Thats where i get my quiet and my inner fire, my creativity and my love of myth and legend. This sounds odd but altho I miss her very much I am thankful she isnt here to see all this junk going on and to see dad as he is. 

Church....seems to be various politicos are targeting Christian worship. Do what you can. If its 2 or 4 or 6 or 8. I know it feels more when theres more. But wherever there are two or more in His name theres Church. Eventually things will settle down. hang in there and enjoy the rain and scratch kodie behind the ears for me.

[kayc]

Right now Kodie is in trouble for chewing on the rocking chair.  He just got in trouble for it a couple of hours ago.  And he knows he did wrong because when I looked over at him, he ran.  I think it's a case of knowing what to do, what not to do, but being a puppy they don't think about consequences or on down the road, they live in the now and they forget....until they see you.  He'll learn.  I may not have furniture left by then, but he'll learn.

My friend hasn't passed yet, but his wife says he hasn't long. 

I credit my sisters for how we turned out, we all had each other and were supportive of each other.  My mom treated the boy differently.  None of us hold it against him, I guess it's how she was raised, but she didn't like it so it's surprising she'd turn around and do that to her kids.  But I'm proud of him, he turned out well in spite of things.  My sisters mean the world to me.  

I went through hell the last time I tried to renew Rxs.  It took a month and 17 calls to the pharmacy and a few to the doctor's office to get them all.  They kept bungling and bungling, if not the pharmacy, then the doctor's office.  The doctor is about 55 miles away from me, the pharmacy is mail order.  I dread having to go through it again next month.  Three months rolls around too quickly!

My mom may have been mentally ill, but I still love and miss her.  I know that doesn't make any sense.  There were MANY times she drove us all nuts but we forgave her every time.  I realize she's not responsible for herself, even though I never understood it.  Some things are hard to understand.  My parents were deficient.  They weren't into self-help or counseling back then.  Too bad.  I've learned a lot through both.

Good luck with the pharmacy!!

[Tachi]

On 5/13/2020 at 4:53 PM, kayc said:

Right now Kodie is in trouble for chewing on the rocking chair.  He just got in trouble for it a couple of hours ago.  And he knows he did wrong because when I looked over at him, he ran.  I think it's a case of knowing what to do, what not to do, but being a puppy they don't think about consequences or on down the road, they live in the now and they forget....until they see you.  He'll learn.  I may not have furniture left by then, but he'll learn.

My friend hasn't passed yet, but his wife says he hasn't long. 

I credit my sisters for how we turned out, we all had each other and were supportive of each other.  My mom treated the boy differently.  None of us hold it against him, I guess it's how she was raised, but she didn't like it so it's surprising she'd turn around and do that to her kids.  But I'm proud of him, he turned out well in spite of things.  My sisters mean the world to me.  

I went through hell the last time I tried to renew Rxs.  It took a month and 17 calls to the pharmacy and a few to the doctor's office to get them all.  They kept bungling and bungling, if not the pharmacy, then the doctor's office.  The doctor is about 55 miles away from me, the pharmacy is mail order.  I dread having to go through it again next month.  Three months rolls around too quickly!

My mom may have been mentally ill, but I still love and miss her.  I know that doesn't make any sense.  There were MANY times she drove us all nuts but we forgave her every time.  I realize she's not responsible for herself, even though I never understood it.  Some things are hard to understand.  My parents were deficient.  They weren't into self-help or counseling back then.  Too bad.  I've learned a lot through both.

Good luck with the pharmacy!!

Poor kodie, he probably wants to chew on everything he sees. At least he will learn. There have been people ive known who never could. me sometimes too. But he makes up for it in many ways. Hopefully he likes his toy. He lives in a kind of ignorant bliss i think we all in a way wish for. Once we grow up and see, we want to have some control in Life and worry. We seem to lose that innocent joy. Good thing for you is that you have an ample supply of wood for furniture. 

Im very sorry about your friend. Its never easier knowing its a part of Life. My prayers are with you folks. 

I am curiously watching my dad and waiting to see what happens. normally he gets 5-7 good days and 2-3 bad days and the last few bad runs were bad. But today was day 12 of good. I am hopefull and gratefull this trend may continue. now just have to solve his diet, hes getting mild digestive issues. 

Good that you had siblings, sounds like despite it all you all came out well. The human spirit is amazing at times. 

I worked for walgreens for about 15 years. There were awesome and sweet people at times and then some total idiots who couldnt care less. Overall this one has just dropped the candle. They fixed one more script and one left to go. I even called the doc friday but nothing yet. Good thing this wasnt his BP or sleep meds or he would be in the hospital now. Ive learned my lesson. I'll let them fill old scripts and just refuse them. 

I think a parent is a parent no matter how they are. Maybe its just such a deep instinct in us we hold to them based on what should be. I cant really say that I love my father anymore tho he will always be my dad. I will never again be close to him. And for all the times in the past couple years ive tried helping him just to have that used against me hes lost that as well. Ill keep him safe and give good counsel if asked. But at this point his delusions, well, hes welcome to them just leave me out of it. And thats where there must be a separation lest I be pulled in to his insanity. 

But then it seems that in the end many things are smaller than they seem. And mean much less than at the moment. 

We had 60s and rain for a couple days and it was like heaven. Probably the last rain and cool temps for 3 months but thats Texas.

Take good care, hopefully you get some sunshine for Church, if not then try and enjoy Virtual. 

[kayc]

On line church is not all it's cracked up to be, it's missing an important element, that of fellowship...people.

Have to drive to the doctor tomorrow about 105-110 mile round trip, plus get groceries.  Prices are skyrocketing.  Hoping I can get meat and t-paper.

Of course Kodie will spend the day digging and with the rain will be mucky, will have to come home and fill in the holes...again.  

I'm glad your dad is having a run of good days.  Of course you don't like your dad's behavior, but some of it I would imagine he can't help.  My mom hit stage IV dementia, she was completely out of it by then.  I remember taking her to Subway once and she proudly announced to the person waiting on us that she is 400 years old!  I laughed as it caught me off guard.  She looked hurt and asked if she did something wrong.  I said, "No, we all FEEL 400 sometimes, you're 92."  Usually I didn't argue whatever she said but this caught me way off guard and her hurt look demanded an explanation from me.  It was actually easier for me to love her with her mind gone and on medicine.  The rest of her life she'd been controlling and sometimes very nasty.  She made it easy to forgive her in the end, I know she wasn't responsible for herself, she was as much a victim in all of this as we were.

[Tachi]

3 hours ago, kayc said:

On line church is not all it's cracked up to be, it's missing an important element, that of fellowship...people.

Have to drive to the doctor tomorrow about 105-110 mile round trip, plus get groceries.  Prices are skyrocketing.  Hoping I can get meat and t-paper.

Of course Kodie will spend the day digging and with the rain will be mucky, will have to come home and fill in the holes...again.  

I'm glad your dad is having a run of good days.  Of course you don't like your dad's behavior, but some of it I would imagine he can't help.  My mom hit stage IV dementia, she was completely out of it by then.  I remember taking her to Subway once and she proudly announced to the person waiting on us that she is 400 years old!  I laughed as it caught me off guard.  She looked hurt and asked if she did something wrong.  I said, "No, we all FEEL 400 sometimes, you're 92."  Usually I didn't argue whatever she said but this caught me way off guard and her hurt look demanded an explanation from me.  It was actually easier for me to love her with her mind gone and on medicine.  The rest of her life she'd been controlling and sometimes very nasty.  She made it easy to forgive her in the end, I know she wasn't responsible for herself, she was as much a victim in all of this as we were.

Ive heard that prices are up. I have noticed theres no sales on food here anymore. dads food money doesnt stretch near as far, tho he doesnt understand. One thging hes done that is good is tell me that if I need something for the house just get it. hes a member of a couple sites like amazon and sams and walmart so I order him things and if I need to run buy his meds etc I transfer that money into my acct end of the month. Makes things alot easier. He hasnt really shopped etc for years. Mom did all the shopping and cooking. The only time ive been sick since Mom passed I had to get up and fix him dinner, he didnt know how to warm up a microwave dinner. With his tremors he cant anyway. I'm waiting to see if theres a bad run. I pray not. One thing ive noticed is that he always has to be finding a way to fix things, even when theyre not broken. Even when it doesnt make sense. he told me tonight something about making a handhold for the doorframes so he can grab them and help him walk. We have some grab bars we can affix but it always has to be his idea. 

I know that probaby alot of my dad is from the dementia, alzhiemers etc as well as declining everything. Throw in the narcissism or whats left of it and hes a mess. Tbh I think his mental state fluctuates and he is often coming up with ideas that arent needed or not practical. he seems to want to do things so he feels normal. It comes I suppose from just sitting all day and trying to think. 

I guess the downside to living in the country is tat long drive to civilisation. Hopefully it doesnt rain on ya. Isnt that true about your mom and i see it in my dad. On those days when my dads mind is real loose he becomes a almost nice guy. I dont like that hes feeling bad to get that way. Its like the messedup part is either gone or stuck somewhere else inside them. Im glad you had some of those better times with your Mom. 400 years old, makes me laugh thats so cute. 

Poor Kodie, just trying to do what puppies do .....must have alot of mischevious spirit. But for all the trouble he is a fun lil puppy. 

ok well you take good care of y all.

[kayc]

Kodie was a Tasmanian devil last night.  OMG, I couldn't wait for his bedtime!  I could not sit and relax at all, he used me as a springboard, he was absolutely nuts and I couldn't get him to calm down.  It's always between 5pm and 8pm that he's his worst.  Then it started POURING rain last night, so loud I couldn't sleep for hours!  I was worried about having to drive the highway in it, but am hoping it doesn't do that today.  More branches down so must have had wind again.

Yeah, those were my thoughts too about your dad, trying to be useful, seem normal.  My poor mom...I think back to her last year of living at home alone, scary.  We were trying everything to change that, she refused to go to assisted living or an apt. we were having to drive long distances to help her all while still working/commuting full time.  We were scared she'd step out in front of a car, I imagine everyone in the neighborhood was relieved when we finally got her into the dementia care facility.  People calling the police/fire dept on her, they knew she wasn't right.

Yeah at least there were those funny moments with dementia, I think we get those to lighten the mood a bit, it's hard going through someone's dementia journey.