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Looking back at when this journey started


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Last night I started reading my old posts trying to see how far I have come since this journey started a few weeks ago I would have said have come so far but lately I feel exactly like that hurt,lonely empty person again, I feel like was just told the horrible news, I haven't really had any signs in forever from Kevin kind felt like he left me  he always used to use butterflies, about 2 days ago I was listening to the song I posted if only tears could bring you back crying my heart out a blue Jay came into the tree right next to me  and was talking , I can't shake it this time just keep missing him and what we had, I listen to the music and just feel an empty bottomless hole in my heart,I feel exactly like the woman who come here two years ago it really sucks to be living this life none of of wanted or asked for,  I just miss him sooo much 😢

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For me, at over 3 years and finding the fallacy of it getting  less consuming just that.  Time passing is making it worse so sometimes I feel like a loner even here as I read progress made by others.  I am happy for them but know we are all different.  I’m also facing big medical issues and I know that is contributing.  We never had any big goals, just lived day to day like most folks, but now that he’s gone it has become trudging thru the days knowing I face them alone.  No one to add some spontaneity or share routine things like meals and outings.  No one interested in where I am, what I’ve experienced or would notice if I am late or merely wonder if I disappeared.  I now have this feeling I am waiting for something, but I don’t know what because life is so empty.  Before just living with him was enough, the rest took care of itself.

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Gwen, do not feel like a loner. I stopped making progress a long time ago. I am simply resigned to the fact that this is probably what my life will be until the end. I suppose my only goal remains moving out of this area to the mountains someday which will be sad , in a way, because Ron loved the mountains. I guess that it is good to have a goal of some kind, but it doesn't help the loneliness or emptiness.

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Robin,

Maybe that blue jay was a sign from him.  They say a lot of times we miss their signs because we don't recognize them or believe it.  I've learned to take a lot of this journey on faith...the believing in something you can't explain or see.

Yesterday I saw my daughter, it had been almost two months since I'd seen or talked to her.  I found out why.  Her "husband" (and that's a stretch given how he's acting) is acting like an estranged angry roommate...he pays half the expenses but it is so not worth it having him there.  He disappears for days/nights without explanation yet he accuses HER of cheating!  She's never cheated on him or given him cause to think so, but he's acting like a crazy person.  I told her that's what they do (husbands on their way out), go on the offense and accuse you of what they themselves are guilty of!  I reiterated my offer to pay for a divorce and added in restraining order.  I found out he's on the lease now, which makes it more complicated...this is a hard area to find a decent place to rent at a price you can afford, I know she wants to stay there and with her name on the lease she can't up and leave.  She's going to talk to the property manager, whom she's befriended since she just came out of a divorce.  I hope she gets some helpful advice.  Don is listening in on her phone calls and going through her phone since he's being nuts, which is why she's not comfortable using it right now.  I told her I've been through this more than once in my life and that I used to wake up, look in the mirror, and tell myself, every day, "It won't be like this forever."  And it wasn't.  She looked at me with surprise and said she tells herself that every day!  Survival technique.  We learn a lot of them.  My beautiful wonderful intelligent daughter...I hate that she's going through this and I wish I could kiss it away the way I did when she was little and skinned her knee.  I don't know why some people are singled out to have a rougher life with hard places in it while others seem to have smooth sailing, but I do know she will learn a lot through her experiences and it's no wonder she has such a compassion and understanding for others, she's been through a lot.  As for my son-in-law, I look on their wedding photos fondly and remember the Don she fell in love with...he does not resemble the drunk Don he has become, the crazy man that is tormenting her life now.  What alcohol can do to an alcoholic!  Little did they know way back then what would happen...that was before his first drink.  The moment he started the job he has now (serves alcohol) everything changed for them.

Funny how life can change in one moment in time...just like for all of us, with one moment our loved one was removed from us, forever changing the rest of our lives.

If George was alive he would do something about Melissa's situation.  I don't know what, but he would do something, he was a man of action.

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Robin, Gwen, Robin,. I feel the same way.  No hope of things changing for the better.  Just more health issues on the horizon.  The loneliness is the worst.  I miss Al so much.  More and more health problems to face without his support.  

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Gin,

That seems the worst, when we are most helpless and they are not there to help us through what we are going through.

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Feeling a little better today sad but no tears these last few days have been s true test of me to keep moving forward would be do much easier to just slip back into the darkness and hide there but that's not me I can't let my losing Kevin consume my entire life again, I know I will always feel loss and empty at times but I can't stop living or loving because of it he wouldn't want me to hurt so much. He always tried to protect me from things that would hurt me  , like you Kayc so much going on in my family that Kevin would have an answer for, he was the glue, well time to see what the day holds for me. I know for whatever reason I can never give up gotta keep fighting on breath at a time hugs to all

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I know it takes a long time to begin to overcome grief and that's just what has to happen. It has to be overcome. The problem is that we are too weak and helpless to even contemplate overcoming. We need something bigger than ourselves. Something or someone who has strength for us to draw on. This is what I will be praying for you.

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If overcoming it doesn't work, try embracing it.  It is now my lifelong companion.  Does that mean I'll stay in as much pain as I was in the beginning?  No!  Grief evolves throughout our grief journey and we begin to adjust and learn to cope little by little as we put effort into our grief work.  Grief does not stay the same nor in the same intensity.  But there will be times it will rear up and kick us in the butt, wrestle us down...but those time become less and less frequent and stay for smaller increments of time.  Often it's when we are going through something else that it strikes, like when we have surgery and our loved one isn't there to turn to...it becomes more noticeable.  Or when we lose a job or have a major decision to make and they aren't there to help us work through it.

It's been nearly 13 years for me, I am still grieving, I have accepted that I will always miss him, but I have also accepted that this is my way of life now and I'm doing it.  I don't think of myself as an overcomer because it's still there to deal with, but I'm a survivor, and I've learned plenty along the way...mostly here along with all of you, my companions.

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