My Sweet Beautiful Sister Kathy

[Sharon Lynn]

I lost my sister Kathy just one month ago from a 22 month battle with pancreatic cancer. She was my big sister only 54yo I am 53yo. I have NEVER felt such heartache I am crushed. Kathy has always been Strong and Courageous she was the middle child I am the youngest and our brother Mark the oldest  passed at 32yo from a heart attack., that was 24 yrs ago. Losing our brother was tragic so young and suddenly without warning. I don't want to compare the losses they are both so very sad but losing my sister after a long battle with cancer has devastated me. We were close I was with her throughout her battle she ALWAYS remained positive and upbeat and she survived much longer then most with this particular cancer. 

Once the cancer spread it was quick and she was transitioned to Hospice and told just a matter of days left ... she held on for 27days. Kathy was alert and aware the first week to ten days I took leave from work and Mom and I NEVER left her side ... it was agonizing and I felt tormented just waiting and thinking maybe a miracle would save her knowing it wouldn't. 

I held her loved her kissed her read to her sang to her comforted her in every way possible she knew we were there she faintly whispered "I love you" close to the end. When she passed I felt numb and empty lost angry and so very sad.

Why would God take my Brother at 32 and now my sister at 54 from Hideous Cancer .. I am scared it's just me and Mom .. poor Mom 80yo and healthy but this has hit both of us hard .. she was a huge presence in the family so kind loving a mother a sister a daughter. I am so depressed I feel like I'm a walking zombie crying daily. I took 2 months off work just returned 2 weeks ago - it has helped but I am empty without her everything I do everywhere I go reminds me of her. I miss her so much her voice her smile her warmth - I work and come home climb into bed sleep cry and do it all over again each day !

I will never feel the same be the same without her in our lives - I'm simply heartbroken I just don't feel anything but sadness I put on a strong front but i'm crushed ... will i ever feel happiness again will I ever feel anything again ? God I miss her my Sweet Beautiful Kathy I love you forever plus a day❤️ 

Sharon 

[MartyT]

I'm so very sorry for the reasons that brought you here to us, dear Sharon ~ but grateful that you've found your way to this warm and caring place. We welcome you with open arms and caring hearts, and we share in your sorrow at the deaths of your sweet sister and your dear brother. You are not alone in your pain. ❤️

[Sharon Lynn]

Thank You !!

[kayc]

Sharon,

I am so sorry for the loss of your sister.  Sisters are those built in friends we've had all our life, at least mine have been.  I lost my oldest sister, Donna 3/23/18.  I've lost my husband, my parents, grandparents, most of my aunts and uncles, a niece, a nephew, countless pets, friends...and now it's starting on my siblings.  It's hard.

You ask if life will ever be good again.  Yes, it can be, it can be whatever you create it to be.  It will take a good long while, this is a long journey, you'll have ups and downs, good days and bad days, but when you find yourself start to smile again, give yourself permission to.  Sometimes we can feel guilty for smiling after loss, but we have to recognize that it's not only okay to smile, but to be coveted and embraced.  It doesn't mean we don't still miss them and aren't still grieving, it means we are progressing through this the way we're meant to.  It is our love that binds us to them, not our grief. 

I'm glad you still have your mom.  I can't imagine how hard this must be for her.  It just doesn't feel like it's supposed to happen this way...but sometimes it does just that.

Take good care of yourself, even when, especially when you don't feel like it.  Be your own best friend.  Be understanding and patient with yourself.  You were there for her, now you'll need to be present for you.

One of the best pieces of advice I got after losing my husband was to take one day at a time.  Not to look at the whole "rest of my life" but to just take on this day.  That is enough.  Sometimes we have to break it down into an hour or a minute for even a whole day can seem more than we can handle.  Realize that it won't stay in this intensity forever, our bodies are amazing and we adjust to even the unthinkable...I am in a different place now than I was nearly 13 years ago when my husband died.  At that time I didn't see how I could survive a week, let alone the rest of my life...and soon I learned just to take on a day.  I do that still.  

This is a good safe place to come to and I hope you'll do that as you need to, we're here for you.  We're listening.

[Sharon Lynn]

kayc, 

thavk you! I do appreciate your kind words and I am sorry for your losses as well. One of the hardest things for me is when people say "she's in a better place now" i understand that but a better place would be here with us her family it's too soon for me to hear that. 

I'm taking it one day at a time for sure it's not easy as you know but it's the only thing i can do.Im not ready to go out yet for "fun" i know kathy would want me too but it's difficult to clear my mind and be in crowds ... in time i guess for now I exist the best I can. 

Hugs Sharon 

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Sharon Lynn said:

"she's in a better place now"

That is the trouble with cliches, they are inappropriately used.  To every cliche we can have a "but" retort.  See this list http://www.griefspeaks.com/id9.html

In those early times of grief there is no way we can go out and have fun.  Just not feeling it.  It's not something we can force.

You are right, for now you're existing the best you can.  I wish it weren't so hard, but it is.  It will get better but the missing her will always be there, it's something we learn to live with.  They continue to exist inside of us.  I know their spirits don't die, it's more like a transformation, they go to what is next so that comforts me, we'll be together again...but oh gosh how hard the wait seems!

 

[MistyB]

Hi Sharon,

My sister just turned 55 and she just passed in February from Colon cancer. My story is so similar,because I am also going through this terrible grief while trying to help my 80yr old mother get through this also! It is the most terrible feeling watching my mother suffer, and me also trying to work through my grief as well. I want to know how you are doing! I hope you are taking some mental time for self. Hugs to you. 

[UrbanLegend711]

Sharon, 

I am so sorry. I lost my brother 9/27/18 suddenly and unexpectedly from Neuroendocrine cancer.  He went in his sleep at 27 years old, less than a year from becoming a lawyer....

I'm still reeling.  His service is this Saturday. My heart breaks for you and all of us here. I'm sending you hugs and care. *hugs* 

[kayc]

@UrbanLegend711  I will be thinking of you and saying a prayer Saturday.  I lost my oldest sister, Donna in March, and very nearly lost my next sister, Peggy in the months since.  

Your brother was so young.  I wonder if they couldn't issue him an honorary degree, sometimes universities will do that, I'd ask about it.  Wishing you peace...