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I find it difficult to come here because it reminds me that Butch is no longer with us.  We didn't have to meet for me to feel a sisterly love for him.  I pray that he has found the peace he was seeking.

I think of him and his family very often.  So much love was there but for whatever reason that love wasn't meant to save them all.  

Most of the time I had some one or some thing I could blame for the death of a person I care for.  In this case I can not find blame.  I know that sometimes people blame the person who completed suicide but I do not feel that way about Butch or my husband.  My heart breaks for them that the pain was too much for them to bare.  I can be angry with Cancer or impaired drivers, etc.  But to be angry because someone was hurting so much - I cannot feel that..  

To you Butch, I miss you and I am hopeful that you are where you want to be.

To my Gord, I pray you found the peace you were seeking.

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Oh, Marita, I too am missing Butch.  It is very hard to open our hearts to others and to have them just gone.  I also believe that the pain was just too much for them. 

May you find a peace that helps you.  

Anne

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If there's any villain, it's circumstances.  We like to feel like we can control things and it's hard when we can't.

I, too, miss Butch.  I appreciate your expressing yourself here, it has been hard.

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We all saw his first pain, and we understood because we all shared it.  Then it kept coming on him in not waves but storms he could not contend with and I do not know if I could have either.  Those that are left behind, his loved ones, can only ask why.  I honestly thought we would lose him in the heart hospital, but he came back and kept getting knocked down.  I think the  pain sometimes is too  much to bear.  My heart is with his family, the little grandsons that are left, his son and daughter-in-law who have had to take more pain than any one family ever should.  My heart, my prayers are with them and it is so little we can do.  

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I miss Butch almost daily.  When you have been as close to suicide it truly changes you.  

I'm frustrated that the stigma and other misinformation about suicide are so rejected.  It is going to take a very long time trying to educate people.  We know how un-helpful comments hurt us.  Fortunately many  people here haven't had to deal with the un- helpful ones after a suicide.  

My husband was not selfish.  My husband was not a coward.  My husband was not a bad person.  My husband was a kind man with a huge and brave heart who would do anything for his family.  His action to end his life was a total surprise.  His illness (whatever demons were in his head) took over him just as cancer eats away at others.  The ignorance surrounding mental health prevents so many people for looking for help.  Add to that a waiting time of over a year to be seen by a psychiatrist.  Sorry for the rant, bad day. 🙏 For healing for everyone.

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Gosh Marita, I have reread my  post and hope I did not put any thing.  I am here only by miracles.  I have two bipolar children and have fought suicide all their life.  It is a never ending battle.  I have had my son tell me he saw no reason to live.  I went to my daughter's psychiatrist and told him I was worried about her committing suicide.  He told me that if that was on her mind, there was nothing I could do.  I sure didn't want to hear that, but he, himself, committed suicide about seven months later.  I suffer from chronic depression, from as far back as I can remember.  I remember beating myself in the head out of frustration as a teenager, at my mom, and the brush broke.  I got fussed at because brushes cost money.  My dad most positively was bipolar.  He would sit with my son and he said, sometimes the skies are blue and sometimes seem so gray.  He used yoga to combat his depression.  I had a prescription for amphetamines when they were legal and took them for seven years.  The doctor was investigated by the feds (in the office next to where I was waiting for a refill (which I got one time), and then he switched us to something we were not used to so I went cold turkey and nearly killed myself, could have killed Billy and destroyed the house before they hospitalized me.  I can remember where I was as a teenager when the feeling would hit me, the feeling of morbid depression, and I could not go around  the places when the mood hit me..  Sounds so innocent "mood hit me" but it was not as innocent as "mood" sounds.  I would have feelings of death, morbid feelings and when I was hospitalized, I continued therapy with one doctor for 15 years.  Antidepressants put me into a "walking dead" mood, but I put up with them for years until I decided even living depressed was better than living dead.  I then got cancer, and fighting dying seemed to cure me of any suicide wish, I wanted to live.  But when Billy passed away my impulse was to follow him.  I made plans, and then in three days after his death, I found this place..Now, I have a granddaughter that I just have to carry on her therapy to make her want to live.  

Dr. Kevorkian came up with the idea and plan for assisted suicides.  If it had been possible to end my father-in-law's pain and my own dad's pain, they deprived them of water or food until they finally died.  We treat our animal pets better than we treat our human loves. My dad would have the morphine's Cheyne-Stokes breathing and we had to pray that he would not breathe again, the morphine did not cover the pain.  I saw my sister-in-law just wind down like a clock, no grimace, no pain, just sleep, and I wish we all could have seen this in all our loved ones and not the things we have all had to see and try to let our mind keep them in some part of it to save our sanity.  

My heart is with you  Marita.  I was admitting to my new GYN doc before the cancer,  (it was a GYN doc that got me started on the biphetamines), that Dr. XXX had me on the biphetamines so long and he admitted to me, yes Dr. XXX got a lot of our women addicted to this drug.   

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TAPS
Institute for Hope and Healing

Free Webinar

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Understanding Why People Die by Suicide

Noon-1:00 pm ET

featuring

Carla Stumpf-Patton EdD, LMHC, NCC, FT, CCTP

Director, Suicide Postvention Programs

Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS)

When someone we love and care for dies by suicide, it can be overwhelming, confusing, and bring with it many emotions and questions. It can feel like our world has been split into countless fragments where we become detectives trying to understand how and if it will ever fit back together again, which often includes an endless list of questions around why and how this could have happened. 

While we may never fully understand the exact thoughts in the mind of our loved one at the time they died, researchers and specialists in the field have come to learn a lot about the suicidal mind. Understanding more around this subject matter can often help survivors of loss in the grieving process as they struggle with the self-directed questions of blame, guilt, doubt, and regret.

This session will address some of the prominent theories around why people die by suicide. It will also explore some of the contributaries and risk factors that can come together in forming the “perfect storm” that leads to suicide, and how survivors of loss can continue to heal with this knowledge. 

About the Speaker: Dr. Stumpf-Patton is the surviving spouse of Marine Sgt. Richard Stumpf. She holds an Ed.D. in Education Counseling Psychology and is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, National Certified Counselor, Certified Fellow Thanatologist. and Certified Clinical Trauma Professional. 

This webinar is open to the public.

Learn More and RSVP

About the TAPS Institute for Hope and Healing

Through an alliance with HFA, the TAPS Institute for Hope and Healing serves as a resource and training center, providing programs for both professionals working in the field of grief and loss and the public.The TAPS Institute for Hope and Healing was launched in March 2018.

Have questions?

Call 800-959-8277 (TAPS) or email Institute@taps.org.

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19 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

My husband was not selfish.  My husband was not a coward.  My husband was not a bad person.  My husband was a kind man with a huge and brave heart who would do anything for his family.

Marita, and that's how we need to remember people, by who they were, not the last action they took in their life.  We can't get behind their skin and know what they were feeling.  It's important to give them grace even when it's caused us pain.  They didn't intend to hurt others!  They only wanted out of their own pain.

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Today I am revisiting this thread because I do still miss Butch.  I am praying that he and his heavenly family are watching over Katie, the darling to come and the boys.  None of us will ever really know what caused Butch and Allen to leave the earth in the way they did but I know they loved their family here on earth.

I hope they know they are not judged; that we here in this family are doing what we can to encourage, guide, and provide our loving support to Katie.  And, I hope that they are able to help Katie during this very difficult time of grief.  

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I feel that way too, Marita.  I do still miss Butch, I was just thinking about him yesterday.  I'd always hoped to meet him although the likelihood of that from CT to OR wasn't likely, but I cared about him and wished he hadn't made that decision, I think Allen would still be here if he hadn't set the stage the way he did.  Such a wonderful family, it's very sad.  Sometimes there's just too much heartbreak in this life.  :(

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