Anticipating the worst hoping for the best tomorrow

[Rldownes]

Tomorrow is going to be hard  it is the two year mark of Kevin's passing am already preparing myself for the  fact that tomorrow will be a hard day luckily have off tomorrow I hate this day the day that changed my life forever that robbed me of my soulmate, this is the one day out of the year that will always bring pain, and sorrow, I keep telling myself you will get through it Robin you get through everyday it just sucks and hurts,

[Gin]

It sure is very hard.  Not much you can do to get thru it easier.  I lost Al  going on 3 years and it is very hard still.  In fact, the 4th of every month brings pain.  Thinking of you tomorrow.

 

[Cookie]

Yes, I would like to be able to say it's better, but it's still hard.  John will have died 3 years ago on June 13th, and is very painful just anticipating it.  Thinking of you all....Cookie

[Gwenivere]

We’ve all added another day to remember that we didn’t want.  It’s not shared with the world like holidays or close people like birthdays.  It’s a lonely, dark day that is just ours.  You can tell people about it out there, ad they may offer some sympathy.  But we’re still alone every day after being reminded of when the world stopped making sense.  No wisdom on how to handle it.  I think I’ve gone numb on that day to have it hit me later.  Let us know how you feel if you are up to it.  💖

[Shoosie2]

RLdownes

I'm sorry all of us have to go through crappy anniversaries like what you are preparing to do. I'm almost 6 months out, but when my first year comes without my Rick, I will rejoice that he's not here in pain and suffering, and I am grateful that his cancer journey was blessedly short. Of course we all miss our sig. others/spouses, but I don't think there's one person here who would want them back if they still had to suffer. Sure, it sucks that Rick got cancer, but at least he was able to get out fast. I know he didn't want to leave me, but his body gave out. I try to visualize him being happy and healthy again, and I know that he's happy being reunited with his deceased loved ones. We all will get reunited again, and now I'm trying to live for Rick, too, since he can't be here in the flesh, but I know he's here with me at times.

I wish you peace tomorrow, Robin. Maybe something totally selfish would be in order, like a spa day to pamper yourself to help get through the day, or some retail therapy.

Steph

[mittam99]

Robin, my heart goes out to you. It's not easy. I think sometimes the anticipation of these anniversaries is actually the worst part. Not that the actual day is easy, it's certainly not. It's more to the point that all of our days since we lost our beloved are already incredibly painful and challenging. Hoping you can find some semblance of peace and comfort tomorrow.

[kayc]

Robin, you're in my thoughts and prayers today.  I know how hard June 14th is for me, it is never easy, the reminder of the day they are gone from us.  Don't know an easy way to do this but I hope the day goes fast for you and that you have distractions.

[brat#2]

Robin, you are in my thoughts today as I know it is a day you don't want to remember.  Hoping you find a little peace today.

[MartyT]

I thought of you, Robin, when I read this just now: 2 Years: Gone Today and Everyday ❤️

[TomPB]

Robin all I can say is I know what pain these anniversaries bring and I'm sending my Best Wishes for getting through it.

[Margm]

I hate numbers Robin.  I mean I have arithromophobia.  But, since it is the 17th, I guess I have to count up and Billy has been gone 31 months today.  I still cannot believe it.  I see him in the clouds.  I talk to him in the moon.  I ask him where he is and he never answers me.  I ask him to just show me a sign.  Billy was not superstitious and somehow my miraculous, magical, mystical imaginative life disappeared with him.  Maybe C.S. Lewis is right.  This year I did see and smell the fragrance of spring, which I had not done since the spring of 2015.  It was not a huge breakthrough, but I did not even see them last season, or the one before that.  Little things.

My heart is with you. 

[Rldownes]

Today is almost over it was a mixture of emotions, me and my daughter went to see Kevins mother we haven't seen her in almost a year I thought she would like to see someone on our side of the family it was nice believe it or not no tears shed there we just talked about everything from past to present, I went from crying in morning to just feeling empty, to feeling happy , just another typical day of grief, just another new normal day , thank you for the article Marty it makes so much sense and I totally relate, my daughter wanted to sit around and listen to sad music all day I told her I didn't want to sit around and cry all day that I don't need a special day to cry , I did listen to some music and yes shed some tears I felt she needed it but I didn't want to cry all day, so made it through another year with many more to come but slowly learning that holidays, marker days , everyday is the same I must live without Kevin physically now, no day is truly anyworse hugs to all

[MartyT]

Yes, dear Robin ~ exactly ❤️

[CairnLady]

This is my first time posting here as I have spent the last week reading much of what others had posted, and recognized myself in each of you in one way or another. I’m not very good at expressing my thoughts and feelings, putting them to words, but I am “glad” I found this forum. My beloved husband Michael was torn away from me July 10, 2016. On July 5th he came home from work, and less than an hour later suffered a massive stroke. I’ll never forget the look of terror and bewilderment on his face, and my feelings of utter helplessness as I called 911, kept telling Michael to hang on (he was fading fast, couldn’t speak, his eyes rolling around wildly.). Then watching the paramedics work on him, wheel him out of the house to take him to the hospital.

i had gone into shock and my heart went into Afib, so next thing I know I’m in another ambulance too, them thinking I was having a heart attack. All I could keep saying was please take me to same hospital as my husband. I had to stay in the hospital overnight, took awhile to get me out of Afib, but I didn’t have a heart attack. All the while all I told was that my husband had a stroke.

Next morning I was released and frantically went to where they had my dear Michael and went I walked in the room I almost passed out, he was hooked up to all these machines, not conscious. Couldn’t find anyone who could tell me anything.

jumping ahead a bit and to shorten the story (as it makes me ill to recall these events) at 6:30am on July 7th (which was our wedding anniversary and the anniversary of the day we met) a doctor whose name I can’t recall called me and callously said “you’re husband is going to die”. I simply collapsed repeating “no, no ,no”

the stoke had destroyed the left side of his brain, the cognitive side. I had to sign the paperwork for DNR and take him off life support. I was with him when he died, never having the chance to say goodbye. Shortly after the funeral came the panic attacks. I was diagnosed with PTSD and severe anxiety disorder.

like others who have posted here, I received no support. It was like I fell off the earth myself as far as “friends”. Never heard from them after the funeral. My own family showed no support, only the cruel judgement of my grief. I need to fix myself, I’m too negative, it’s always about me, I need to pull myself out of it, we all have it tough, etc, etc, etc.  I thought I was the only one who was being treated that way and I couldn’t fathom why. That’s how I found this site, by searching on abandonment after losing a spouse. It broke my heart even more and sickened me as I read so many posts from others who experienced the same treatment.

Theres many more details to my story, but I’ve gone on long enough. Like the rest of you, I am broken and oh so lost, struggling each day, and so alone. 

May 25th is my beloved Michael’s birthday. He would have been 56 this year. This July will mark 2 years since he was ripped away from me and my life destroyed. 

My only real love and support come from my 2 dogs, which Michael and I went and picked out together as puppies a mere 10 months before he died. They loved him so too, and they too grieved when he didn’t come home anymore. 

Thanks for the opportunity to share a bit of my story. I wish peace and love to all who are suffering the loss of their loved ones.

[TomPB]

CairnLady, reading your post made me cry. I also lost my soulmate with no warning, on 3/31/17. We couldn't even say goodbye. So I know very well what this kind of traumatic grief is like and I feel for you.  I've had some people who I thought would be supportive disappear, but on the whole I've had a lot of support. I've been in so much pain that it's hard to imagine anything worse, but I know it would be even worse without my friends and family. Now I get the most from relationships with those who are also grieving, here but also in the non-virtual world. I hope some materialize for you. People tell me that I'm doing everything possible to survive grief world. However I just miss her so much that I wonder if all the reaching out and spiritual and psych stuff can ever really help. My wonderful counselor, who lost both her husband and daughter,  says it can so I'm not closing the door....TomPB

[Gwenivere]

My husbands death as not sudden, CL, so others will have better supportive input on that.  But I do know the isolation that can happen.  The very few people I thought were friends disappeared for many reasons.  What is left ofhis family don’t include me.  Something he would be very disappointed in.  I didn’t really notice or care, I guess, that I didn’t see it sooner as I had Steve.  He had so many people in his life that filled our house that there was never a lack of human contact.  When he left, they did too as the bond was to him.  I enjoyed the company around, but the true friendships were his.  All I have now are my furry kids too and counselors.  I volunteer, but at a nursing home so getting close to people is easy, but they can slip away so quickly.  I had all I needed with him and our dogs.  The rest was icing on the cake.   Without the cake I often feel I am going crazy.   Home is cold now.  So quiet and missing life that all it takes are two people and love.  I’m still trying to figure out how to be in love alone after 3 years.  To have that in you with no one to give it to and have it flow back and fill you.  To give life meaning by its very existence. 

Im so sorry it was sudden for you.  We had the chance to make the best of what time we had.  I really don’t know what is harder.  We lived under a dark cloud for years.  The end was horribly drawn out.  Death does not give us options now would we want any of them anyway.  Your Michael was ripped away at a young age too.  Steve was 61.  He was still vital and full of dreams and his love of music.  I see more contentment and acceptance at the nursing home as the people had long fulfilled lives.  It’s a natural transition.  

I hope you will continue sharing even if we can’t be physically there for you.  🌺

[Rldownes]

I am so sorry for your loss , as much as I hate what brought you hear an glad you found this group it is full of people who understand what you are feeling, I lost my husband 2 years ago suddenly to a drug overdose  , unless someone has lost their significant other they will never understand, and I have stopped expecting them to I honestly feel bad for some one who does understand because it is a long hard lonely road sometimes, as far as fixing yourself you are not broken you don't have a disease  no one has the right to tell you how to grieve or the right to tell you you should be getting over it we all have our own grief journey, we will  have this loss for the rest if our lives, the hope is that in time the pain gets less, the tears flow less, we learn to smile at their memory instead of just crying, we learn to live again with them in our hearts but all that takes time, this is the perfect site to voice all your feeling and know you truly are not alone in your journey hugs

[CairnLady]

Thank you all for the responses and kindness. I’ve known very little kindnesses or compassion since I lost Michael. I too have given up expecting my “family” to understand and I’ve decided to remove them from my life, which is easy since they don’t bother with me except to insult or judge me anyway. I don’t know why I expected anything different from them, as they have all always been so very selfish and unable to have empathy or compassion for others. Desperation on my part I guess. I simply cannot carry my grief and all the hurt they dump on me with their callousness and cruelty. They are toxic and none of them have ever been able to have a relationship with anyone like Michael and I had (we were together for 27 years, inseparable from the day we met, love at first sight, we said “I love you” to each other everyday). I miss him so, cry every single day. Mornings (and weekends) are the worst, like many others I don’t sleep well, but when the mornings come I am riddled with anxiety and just cry my eyes out having to face Michael being gone over and over and over again. How is it possible to cry so much for so long? 

My heart and my mind just ride around in the empty vessel that used to be me. Like Humpty Dumpty, broken in so many pieces I don’t know how to put myself back together. My sweet loving dogs (which I call my babies, Michael and I had no children, our cats and dogs were our kids and we loved them as such) are the only reason I am still here and get out of bed. They give so much love to me and always try to comfort me, so I must do all I can to give them the best life that I can.

Peace and love to you all. Here’s a photo of my babies, Loki and Nugget.

 

 

[kayc]

21 hours ago, CairnLady said:

This is my first time posting here as I have spent the last week reading much of what others had posted, and recognized myself in each of you in one way or another. I’m not very good at expressing my thoughts and feelings, putting them to words, but I am “glad” I found this forum. My beloved husband Michael was torn away from me July 10, 2016. On July 5th he came home from work, and less than an hour later suffered a massive stroke. I’ll never forget the look of terror and bewilderment on his face, and my feelings of utter helplessness as I called 911, kept telling Michael to hang on (he was fading fast, couldn’t speak, his eyes rolling around wildly.). Then watching the paramedics work on him, wheel him out of the house to take him to the hospital.

i had gone into shock and my heart went into Afib, so next thing I know I’m in another ambulance too, them thinking I was having a heart attack. All I could keep saying was please take me to same hospital as my husband. I had to stay in the hospital overnight, took awhile to get me out of Afib, but I didn’t have a heart attack. All the while all I told was that my husband had a stroke.

Next morning I was released and frantically went to where they had my dear Michael and went I walked in the room I almost passed out, he was hooked up to all these machines, not conscious. Couldn’t find anyone who could tell me anything.

jumping ahead a bit and to shorten the story (as it makes me ill to recall these events) at 6:30am on July 7th (which was our wedding anniversary and the anniversary of the day we met) a doctor whose name I can’t recall called me and callously said “you’re husband is going to die”. I simply collapsed repeating “no, no ,no”

the stoke had destroyed the left side of his brain, the cognitive side. I had to sign the paperwork for DNR and take him off life support. I was with him when he died, never having the chance to say goodbye. Shortly after the funeral came the panic attacks. I was diagnosed with PTSD and severe anxiety disorder.

like others who have posted here, I received no support. It was like I fell off the earth myself as far as “friends”. Never heard from them after the funeral. My own family showed no support, only the cruel judgement of my grief. I need to fix myself, I’m too negative, it’s always about me, I need to pull myself out of it, we all have it tough, etc, etc, etc.  I thought I was the only one who was being treated that way and I couldn’t fathom why. That’s how I found this site, by searching on abandonment after losing a spouse. It broke my heart even more and sickened me as I read so many posts from others who experienced the same treatment.

Theres many more details to my story, but I’ve gone on long enough. Like the rest of you, I am broken and oh so lost, struggling each day, and so alone. 

May 25th is my beloved Michael’s birthday. He would have been 56 this year. This July will mark 2 years since he was ripped away from me and my life destroyed. 

My only real love and support come from my 2 dogs, which Michael and I went and picked out together as puppies a mere 10 months before he died. They loved him so too, and they too grieved when he didn’t come home anymore. 

Thanks for the opportunity to share a bit of my story. I wish peace and love to all who are suffering the loss of their loved ones.

It's good to "meet you" although I wish it was for another reason...still, you've found a good place here with people that get it and care.

What you wrote sounds similar to my story, only my husband had a heart attack, we hadn't known he even had heart trouble until that weekend.  I was away at my annual sisters' reunion when he had a heart attack and drove himself to the clinic, where they gave him nitroglycerin and called an ambulance.  He went to the hospital in a city 60 miles away.  Meanwhile, I was 4 1/2 hours from home, not knowing what happened, he wouldn't let them tell me, didn't want to ruin my weekend.  !!!  When I found out, my sister wouldn't bring me to the hospital, she wanted to stay and gamble.  Took two days for her to bring me to see him!  When I at last saw him, there were lots of people there, we didn't get any time alone, then they moved him to another floor, when they allowed me back in, he was asleep...he woke up having another heart attack.  I ran for the nurses station, they called the code, doctor's came running, a nurse threw me off the ward, locked the door behind me.  I remember crying out "but I'm his Little One!"  I found a little room and prayed for him.  I don't know how much time went by...an hour?  Time holds no meaning when you're going through stuff like that, it's warped.  I saw four doctors coming towards me, I knew what they were going to tell me.  They didn't have to tell me.  I screamed, "Not my husband!!"  I'm sure it was heard all over the hospital, my pain and anguish.  I never got to have "that last conversation" with him.  My daughter had just left me to drive home so I had to wait for her to turn around and come back, another hour.  There was a terrible thunder and lightening storm, I later found out there was a triple rainbow when George died, amidst the T & L, she sent me a picture of it.  One of the rainbows was too faint to detect in the picture but she said it was there.  George entered heaven with a big bang.  He would have chuckled at that.

After his funeral, all our friends disappeared.  I never would have thought it.  I don't get it, still.  I never would have done that to a friend.  It's been nearly 13 years and not a day goes by I don't think of him and miss him, he's always on my mind.  We were supposed to grow old together, instead it's me growing old alone.

All of the animals we had are gone now, I have others now, an elderly cat and dog.  My George was barely 51 when he died, I was 52.  Now I'm 65, retired.  I've had to build a life for myself that I can live, but it's nothing like it was before.  It's taken hard work.  I know you aren't new to your loss but I also know that we aren't ever "through it".  I wrote the following based on what I've learned the first 12 years of my journey, I hope there's something that you can relate to or that it can be of some help to you.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of it's own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs))) Praying for you today.

 

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

What is left ofhis family don’t include me.  Something he would be very disappointed in

George's family disappeared too.  His dad called a year later bad mouthing him...I reminded him how good George was to him and told him when he had something nice to say to call back.  He never did.  He died a few years ago, no one notified me.  I know George would be disappointed in his family as I was the most important person in his life and he would have cared how things went with me.  Thankfully I have my sisters and kids but they don't live nearby except one sister and she needs my help so isn't able to be of help to me, she's 8 1/2 years older than me and hasn't taken very good care of herself.  I visit her, she never visits me.  Weird how that works.

[kayc]

50 minutes ago, CairnLady said:

Thank you all for the responses and kindness. I’ve known very little kindnesses or compassion since I lost Michael. I too have given up expecting my “family” to understand and I’ve decided to remove them from my life, which is easy since they don’t bother with me except to insult or judge me anyway. I don’t know why I expected anything different from them, as they have all always been so very selfish and unable to have empathy or compassion for others. Desperation on my part I guess. I simply cannot carry my grief and all the hurt they dump on me with their callousness and cruelty. They are toxic and none of them have ever been able to have a relationship with anyone like Michael and I had (we were together for 27 years, inseparable from the day we met, love at first sight, we said “I love you” to each other everyday). I miss him so, cry every single day. Mornings (and weekends) are the worst, like many others I don’t sleep well, but when the mornings come I am riddled with anxiety and just cry my eyes out having to face Michael being gone over and over and over again. How is it possible to cry so much for so long? 

My heart and my mind just ride around in the empty vessel that used to be me. Like Humpty Dumpty, broken in so many pieces I don’t know how to put myself back together. My sweet loving dogs (which I call my babies, Michael and I had no children, our cats and dogs were our kids and we loved them as such) are the only reason I am still here and get out of bed. They give so much love to me and always try to comfort me, so I must do all I can to give them the best life that I can.

Peace and love to you all. Here’s a photo of my babies, Loki and Nugget.

 

 

Your dogs are very adorable!  I'm sorry your family is not there for you.  I've found the one that I can really count on is me.  Which makes it hard when you really need someone, like in Gwen's situation right now, there's times we need someone to help us, be there for us, and if we have no one, that's really really hard.  I remember when I had surgery, the neighbor who'd said he'd be there for me wasn't, he dropped me off at my house, didn't even bring me a glass of water, never stoked the fire, nothing, just left and never came back.  I couldn't cook, couldn't bend, reach, nothing, didn't even know if I could get back up once I sat down.  Somehow we live through this stuff, I don't know how.  A day at a time, a moment at a time.

[Gwenivere]

20 hours ago, CairnLady said:

 together for 27 years, inseparable from the day we met, love at first sight, we said “I love you” to each other everyday). I miss him so, cry every single day. Mornings (and weekends) are the worst, like many others I don’t sleep well, but when the mornings come I am riddled with anxiety and just cry my eyes out having to face Michael being gone over and over and over again. How is it possible to cry so much for so long? 

My heart and my mind just ride around in the empty vessel that used to be me. Like Humpty Dumpty, broken in so many pieces I don’t know how to put myself back together. My sweet loving dogs (which I call my babies, Michael and I had no children, our cats and dogs were our kids and we loved them as such) are the only reason I am still here and get out of bed. They give so much love to me and always try to comfort me, so I must do all I can to give them the best life that I can.

Our relationship began as an affair 40 years ago.  Not something we were ever proud of and came to regret the pain we caused others later.  But there was something there that would not free us.  When we both were free, we continued on, not the usual loss of interest because the secrecy creates a seductive illusion of perfection.  I had no illusion we would marry and make a life with that kind of start.  But what we thought was lust bloomed into love.  The most intense I ever felt.  Our marriage was not perfect, none is, but it was for who we were.  Nothing could break it and there were 2 times we almost ended it.  But the reality of life without each other, that love, always won and made us stronger and more committed than other marriages I have seen.   My point being is no matter how it begins, if there is that love like no other, it becomes your reason for living.  You had the love at first sight experience, but we all ended up in the same place.

i don’t invalidate anyone else’s marriages or partnerships.  At 62, I’ve observed all kinds and have seen the ones that people carry on after losing their mate and do well.  I also see that something was different in their love.  I’ve had one person tell me they know that they will not have had the love Steve and I found and it makes them very sad.  It’s a very steep price we pay for what we were so fortunate to find.

My mornings, days and nights are like yours.  Empty and filled with anxiety and a loneliness I can find no words to describe.  His very existence was all I ever needed.  I wander now too, broken and isolated from the enjoyments of life.  I live with panic disorder which I got 5 years into the marriage.  He resented it at first but became my biggest advocate to those that didn’t understand it.  Just as I did for him thru the cancer and his hiding his pain and fear from others.  Arguments with doctors that caused him more suffering, cancelling treatments that may have prolonged his life, but sapped the quality from it.  We make these choices from that love.  We don’t push them to more pain to selfishly keep them.  

 I never knew what I would do when he left.  He was the focus at the time.  That is gone and there is only me and our furry kids that were always our babies.  I do the best I can for them, but some days not even they are enough to soften the inner pain.  Now I grow older and heed his help and get angry he never had to experience that.  We shared everything and I know he would understand my anger.  He never had to cry alone.  I have to and it is gut wrenching.  It doesn’t release the pain like having him here to soothe me.  I know that is why I cry so much more and so much.  Can you imagine how different it felt thinking back to times he held you thru emotional pain?  They make things safe because they are there to stroke your hair or whisper it will be OK.  

People around me say they care because they want me happy and the person they knew before.  They don’t understand she us gone and never coming back.  The most I can hope for is some peace now and then and I’m still waiting since his diagnosis in 2009.   We are reminders that this could happen to them and will and that scares them so much, they with draw.  There is no good side to any of this.  There are no answers to why us beyond the cruelty of nature.  There are times I wish I never loved him so much.  But that was not in my control.  So now?  I live broken.  I don’t and never wanted to be an expert about grief.  End of novel of the day and off to another long day with hours to kill.  Can’t even look forward to sleep.  Worst, no one that understands but my family here.  If it weren’t for this refuge, I’d have been gone a long time ago.  

[CairnLady]

All relationships have their rough times. We are all only human and not everyday is all Skittles  and unicorns in a marriage/relationship. What makes the difference is that you work through the rough patches, because the love is worth it. I was always proud of the fact that Michael and I were together for 27 years while everyone else (except Michaels parents) around us (friends / family) couldn’t manage more than a few years before they all bailed out of their marriages or “serious relationships” because the waters got rough. I remember thinking before Michael died at times how grand it was going to be when we could celebrate our 50th anniversary as his parents had done before they passed. Alas, it was not to be.

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Our relationship began as an affair 40 years ago.  Not something we were ever proud of and came to regret the pain we caused others later.  But there was something there that would not free us.  When we both were free, we continued on, not the usual loss of interest because the secrecy creates a seductive illusion of perfection.  I had no illusion we would marry and make a life with that kind of start.  But what we thought was lust bloomed into love.  The most intense I ever felt.  Our marriage was not perfect, none is, but it was for who we were.  Nothing could break it and there were 2 times we almost ended it.  But the reality of life without each other, that love, always won and made us stronger and more committed than other marriages I have seen.   My point being is no matter how it begins, if there is that love like no other, it becomes your reason for living.  You had the love at first sight experience, but we all ended up in the same place.

Gwen,

I'm not explaining or justifying anything, only that I've observed over the years that sometimes if a marriage is lacking in some way, it doesn't make it and both of your previous marriages may have been in that situation.  Marriage takes a lot of effort on both people's parts.  And sometimes it's comprised of the wrong two people to begin with.

You found over your lifetime a love that sustained the ups and downs, you made it work because you WANTED it to work, you had that spark between the two of you, your interaction was good.  Otherwise you would not be missing him so much as you are right now.  I experienced 23 years of a loveless marriage with a controlling man that didn't always treat us well, and even though he was highly respected by society, church, etc., I knew who he really was and living that was really hard.  Then I met George.  We never tried to control or change each other, we communicated well with each other, related to each other, CLICKED!  And oh yes, the spark was there too!  He was the one for me, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.  I had no idea it'd be cut so short.  But even with all the pain his death has meant for me, I'd choose him in a heartbeat.  The all too short years I got with him sustain me...they have to...the rest of my life.

[Gwenivere]

I’d choose Steve in a heartbeat too and did as we caused each other pain over the years, but once in a lifetime love is a rock solid foundation.  Having lost that, I now feel I loved him too much.  I sometimes wish it were like other men I 'loved', broke up with, cried, played some sad songs and over it in a couple months.  That is desperation for some relief from the pain. I know many say it is worth it and deep inside I probably do too, but because I am beaten down with physical problems with no motivation to fix them to still be alone, I can’t help but wonder if freed from that love I could find meaning to do more than see the repetitive days ahead of loneliness.  Yes, I’d be able to do more which I used to and that really helped.  Getting old alone was not the plan.  As the saying goes, man plans, god laughs.